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still stuck on ex
July 2, 2000
11:25 pm
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holly2001
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Hello, All. Maybe some of you remember me from the spring, when I had a major crisis. I got through it, thankfully, but seem to be slipping presently.
I will have been married two years on July the 4th, "independence" day, of all days, how Ironic, but I still have MAJOR feelings for the ex I left for my husband. It has been 3 years since I left him, under the pretense of "wanting to find the right man for me" (I knew about the future husband but was a coward to tell the ex) and now we (the ex and I ) are talking and "picking up where we left off" but only on the phone. Whenever I go home, which is where the ex live(d), I get really obsessed with him and question my marriage as to whether it is right and everything. After 3 whole years, if I still have feelings and we still can relate on a "basic" (morals, religion, intellect, personality) level, is that not some kind of a sign that he is stil significant in my life? Can I just erase him totally? I have tried, but he keeps popping back up, as "friends" or to "keep in touch" or to "talk about things". I am confused. I have found insight here before. I'm counting on you ladies to help me out, even though I know what you're going to say. Maybe somebody out there has been through something similar???
Holly

July 3, 2000
8:45 am
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Spirit
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Holly: Sometimes the grass appears to be greener on the otherside, once there, you look over the fence and see a different shade of green you hadn't seen before. Stop looking over the fence. You left your ex for a reason. Examine that reason. If it is the man you married, and that marriage came about because the grass appeared greener, then you need to take some time for you, and decide where your true heart and self should be. We make mistakes in our lives by not fully committing ourselves to the person we are with because of the search for that perfect someone. That someone is not outside ourselves, but it is the person we are within. Be true to yourself, and don't let sweet words and attention sway you into another mistake. Know you and know your heart. Be at peace with your decisions, or change them, but do it for all the right reasons.

July 3, 2000
9:00 am
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Spirit
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Just went through and read your threads relating to others' issues. Seems to me you need to rethink being stuck on your ex, since you give insightful advice to others. Grab all the peace you can and fill your heart with it. You are on a journey that will lead you to your true self. The pendulum is swinging, but soon will settle into that gentle rythum.

July 3, 2000
10:28 am
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Cici
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If he offers you unwanted temptation, ask him to stop contacting you. I think in a way, that's better than staying in contact with ex's. Everyone has emotional baggage and memories attached with ex lovers and this isn't uncommon. For me, it was easiest to just remove the souce of temptaiton all togehter and just put my past behind me and quietly ask my ex's to let me live my life as I want it to be without unnecessary complications.

July 3, 2000
11:07 am
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holly2001
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Thanks, all, again. It's the same old story for me (some of you may remember from several months ago.) I need stop talking to him altogether, but it's hard when we really seem to be friends. Oh well, I think time is my biggest helper.

Yes, I know I have alot of advice for everyone else when I myself need to listen, and I don't want to seem like a hypocrite here. I have learned alot going through this crisis, and even though I still have weakness about my ex, I can see clearly what are the right decisions and when I (and others) are falling into the same old pitfalls of codependence and fear of progress. It just seems like women (and men too) are so easily lead into the same patterns, and that the patterns are common among them too, such as clinging to partners, having low self-esteem, staying with abusive partners, blaming themselves, giving up their talents and dreams for "the family" or whatever. I don't want to do it with my husband or my ex or anybody else, and I hope some of the people here can be "jolted awake" and see what they're doing to themselves in some cases. It takes a big jolt as far as I can tell.

July 3, 2000
6:24 pm
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heartfelt
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Sometimes it breaks my heart to watch my mind.......I've found as I've shared before that in most issues I deal with in my life are begun by asking myself, "what are my motives, what are my desires, what are my intentions..................asking just these three questions honestly to heart will give an indication , if not an answer, of the reality of the situatio, issue, problem, reaction, etc.......Take time to examine what's what and what is'nt....if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck..chances are it is a duck......

July 4, 2000
8:40 am
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Spirit
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Holly: You are not being hypocritical, you are being human. The phrase, Can't see the forest for the trees, is a good one to remember. The big, overall picture eludes us when we are stuck smack-dab in the middle of a situation. Its easy to see what others could be doing to help themselves, and most times that is a mirror for us to look into. Give yourself a hug and relax. Moments pass, and life progresses, whether we are ready or not. Breathe...

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