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Still looking for my story....
October 9, 2004
5:27 pm
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gettingbetter
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I am new to Threads and have been browsing different threads in search of my story. I am attending Alanon meetings for codependcy issues and feel as though I don't quite deserve to be there. I am 43 years old and married 22 years. I have two children 16 & 13. My husband has always had an alcohol problem. I didn't recognize it so much in my earliest married years because I came from an alcoholic family - party, party party! When I became pregnant with my first child my husband became addicted to Cocaine. It was a horrible time for me...being pregnant and trying to "keep up the image" so that no one knew what I was going through. I left for a brief period after my son was born...and went right back...because I could fix him (codenpendcy!). I wanted to believe that we could be a "happy family". I would have jumped off a bridge if I thought that would make him quit and we could be "perfect little family" and know one would find out. Well, finally he did...only to turn to alcohol. He is not abusive, he works very hard, but over the years he has snuck drinking (because he knows I don't like it). He will go down our basement and have a beer and come up and look me in the eye and say he didn't. I know when he's had a sip believe me. Anyway, things are much better than they were during those horrible years...but the problem is still there...not all the time...but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I feel like I have fallen out of love. I tried to be honest and tell him this over 3 years ago...I was a very angry person then...I went to Alanon and would think "Why am I here..and he's home in a nice warm house watching TV"? I got nothing out of it...I wasn't ready. After I told him how I felt...like I had post traunmatic stress syndrome...he became depressed and sat up all night...and of course I worried he would do something to himself. I eventually went to counseling for my anger and now am in Alanon...which I have embraced so differently this time. My question is - why after all I've been through (and believe me it was 100x worse than it is now) do I want to throw in the towel? I just don't want to hang in there anymore. Can anyone identify with this? Alanon encourages you not to do anything for at least 6 months to a year...but this feeling is going on 3 1/2 years now. I would appreciate anyone's help, opinion or similar story. I guess what I'm saying is I don't see my life as being that horrible compared to some of the things I read here and hear in Alanon. I guess I just want to feel justified and not so guilty. Thanks.

October 9, 2004
8:24 pm
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CAMER
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I guess all stories are different, and I too used to think that others had a tougher life than I did....alot comes down to what you want, and what you think is acceptable or not...today, we all have choices, we can put up with someones bad behavior or we can get out and walk away. Alot has to do with ourselves and what we want out of life. I have been in so many "addicted" relations, been to al anon, going to coda groups now...and know that I cannot take any addictive relationships in my life (either alcoholics, drug addicts or gamblers) again, it is my choice. So you should dig deep down and decide what is acceptable, you do have the choices!
Camer

October 11, 2004
12:37 am
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mamacinnamon
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September 27, 2010
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Hi!

My first marriage was straight from hell. My second marriage that I was so sure and was so careful to watch for signs and we put everything on the table. He knew how I felt and I would not do another addict relationship. So, he lied to me.

Well, 12 years later, I am still here, and he still lies. He is a drug addict, pothead. I look at that and think it's not that bad and certainly not heroin, etc. He's trying to kick the habit again.

You know. I don't think it's necessarily the addiction that gets to me as much as it is the lying. The over and over constant lying. And they get so good at it.

Things now are alot better for the moment. Yes, I have the anger and the resentment. Even made him well aware that no matter how much I loved him I wouldnot have married him had I known about the addiction. Ouch, that hurt. After the first marriage I look and ask myself how I can even complain. He's never laid a hand on me. He honestly loves me I believe. But, that still doesn't take away the resentment and anger etc.

Throw in the towel? I think it's because maybe you can finally breath and you are so exhausted. And It's just not fair. Seems you always pay and he gets exactly what he wants. And in the back of my mind I know I am thinking "ok, he's clean, he's doing better, when's the next time gonna be". I am projecting and starting my hurt and resentment before it happens again. But, so far it always has so why be different this time.

Justification! You're thoughts and feelings and what you have gone thru are all very real. You have had to put forth so much more effort than he. Life is so unfair!

I do agree w/ working on getting yourself well and getting your feet set and your mind clear before you do make any decisions. Your life may not be as terrible as some things you have read about, but it is your life and it is real to you. It's not the degree of abuse that counts; it's that the abuse has happened.

Good luck!

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