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STILL in Love with his ex of over three years ago!
August 21, 2006
5:48 pm
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Have been seeing etc a guy for just over three years. And no I did not flirt with him or anything before she moved away and he was single for a couple of months. Then we have had most of the time a tempestuous relationship, and yet connected really strongly and healthily around music, sex, in just hanging out and careerwise (both doing the same kind of work).

Always felt that something wasn't quite right, and yet in many ways that seem to bring the best out in me (I tried harder)

In the beginning he has talked about his ex in what seems to me to be extreemly glowing terms. After a few more times of calling her his angel, his soulmate and little stories of events that happened between them I offered to pay for him to go and see her to see if he could somehow patch it up. He refused. After that if he started talking about her or singing one of their songs, I would just quietly leave and go home.

He, I think, has grown in some ways because of our relationship and I know that I certainly have! I feel more alive, I have lost forty pounds, my sexuality is more a part of me than it has ever been, and in many ways life is good.

This past Saturday he phoned and told me that he still loves her, would drop me in a second if she came back, and was still her soulmate. Of course after this was said I hung up and am looking toward the future. It seems to me that there is no future with a man who lives in the past emotionally. And I really hope he doesn't ever share our relationship with anyone. It is just ours.

Have felt and in some perverse ways wanted the end of our relationship for some time now yet have always "caved in" when he calls.

Please please, give me some words to practise and to say out loud and be strong for the next time he calls.

And P.S. I have the phone beside me at this moment so I also know that I am weak.

Many thanks

August 21, 2006
5:54 pm
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southgoingzax
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I will tell you what others may say, although I am not following this advice:

block him from calling, or change your number, or don't answer if you have caller id. It's not up to you to resolve this problem for him. You have to remove yourself from the picture entirely so that he can't have his cake and eat it too.

WAY easier to say than to do. I can't manage it. You'll decide when it's right for you, and then it will not be as difficult.

zax

August 21, 2006
5:57 pm
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Thanks zax for the input.

It really helps. I am posting since I recognize that I can't or am unable to do this on my own. I am weak. Just knowing I am not alone at this time helps a lot

August 21, 2006
6:00 pm
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southgoingzax
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littlespirit,

this board is great for not feeling alone, for support and suggestions and advice...but you are okay. You will make the decision when it is right to do what's best for you. Don't beat yourself up because you don't feel strong enough to do it now.

zax

August 21, 2006
6:09 pm
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But zax ...

When I have resolved before for no contact, with perfectly 'good' reasons, I still answer his calls and give in if you will.

I may not be 'okay' right now but I have learned that this too shall pass.

Again I need to have contact and support from others in order to get through this in a good way.

August 21, 2006
6:12 pm
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Give me some ways of handling this on the phone, even some words to say, and I know I will get through this

August 21, 2006
6:27 pm
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Still asking for in put

August 21, 2006
6:29 pm
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southgoingzax
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littlespirit,

you must still be getting some of your needs met through contact with him - that IS okay. You have to want to end this with your whole heart or it just wont work - it is an addiction (lord, I should know) and you can't quit if you only sort of want to. You sound like you need to assess what you are getting out of this and why you can't/wont look somewhere else...I know for me, this is the key to not allowing myself to be treated like crap.

If you really are ready to be done with this guy, have you told him so? Have you told him not to contact you? Then you have to stick to it - if you answer the phone and it's him you have to repeat that he not call you any more. Say, "I'm sorry, but I just can't be here for you anymore" or "I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but this is your problem - I can't help you" or "Until you resolve this issue, I just can't help you/be with you/talk to you".

I think the best thing is to just not answer, or just not be around. If you're not dwelling on him, if you are out filling your life with new or fun activities, friends, and such, you can start to let go, little by little.

What I have realized is that I allowed my personal life to suffer while I spent too much time w/ my SO...I became codep on him because he was all I had because I stopped trying to make other areas of my life better - don't make the same mistake, if you can. Keep enriching your life and you wont feel so lonely.

I know you will make it through this, but have patience with yourself. You are only human, and it's only human to want to be loved.

zax

August 21, 2006
6:40 pm
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Thanks again zax

You are so right and I truly appreciate your help.

I especially like your third suggestion about,

"Until you resolve this issue I just can't be in a loving relationship with you" That is the truth and I can and will say that with conviction.

I can only speak my truth

August 21, 2006
7:49 pm
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sdesigns
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Littlespirit: I feel so badly for you. Time for you to put things in perspective, and I hope this doesn't come out too harshly.

This guy has flat out told you he is in love with someone else- has been for a long time- and would take her back in a second. So where do you fit into the picture? As second best, waiting in the wings, until he finally gets her back ( and leaves you), or decides that you will do, if he can't get her back??

Wouldn't you rather have someone who puts you as Number 1? There is no way this can be a loving relationship- at least not a two way one- if he is hung up on the ex. For him to be completely available to you- which right now he's not available to you at all- he needs to put the past in the past.

Right now you are serving some purpose for him- but he's not doing a thing for you. Using you for sex maybe? A substitute til he gets what he REALLY wants? He's told you that isn't you.

Littlespirit, I know you are hurting but try to focus on how this man has devalued you, and you have allowed him to do that. And by staying with him, you are telling him that it is OK for him to treat you that way. I hope you know that is not OK. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect, and show that you are a priority in his life. Not second best, and not as a filler. You're more impt than that and deserve so much better.

SD

August 21, 2006
8:33 pm
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Thanx SD

That is how I feel ... as if I am second best to someone who has moved on and maybe he used the same lines on her too.

I will not be second to anyone because relationships can be win/win

August 22, 2006
10:22 am
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gofigure
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Hey littlespirit, You have said how much yu have grown in this relationship, how much you have come into your own. What I would hate to see is for you to regress because of his feelings for his ex. He has finally been honest with you about his feelings. I know how hard this must be, but convince yourself you are worth your wonderful self, be glad for what you have gained over the past 3 years but refuse to give it up by settling for someone who can't/won't be there for YOU. You are worth so much more than 2nd best.

August 27, 2006
7:03 am
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cloud nine
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i have the same problem , he is still hanging out, sleeping with her ex. just found out last week. We have been seeing each other for 4 years

my problem is that iam the one who is obssessing and the one who calls.Im desperately want him out of my head but im just want the contact. So i call him ...

but i know i have to end it even though i still feel addicted to him .

really upset .need to start to let him go.

how do i stop ringing him?

August 27, 2006
7:52 am
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This too will pass, the obsessing, calling and constantly thinking of him. Promise

When I saw my therapist yesterday she asked me if I 'missed' the crazy making behaviours? Of course I said no! She then said that I don't really miss him, its the thought and good things about being in relationship I miss. And she is right!

I am not much into astrology yet please allow me to share what is mine for today ...

"In a key area of your personal life, you lowered your standards and settled for second best. As a result Uranus has just delivered a little shock. It's a much-needed kick to get you demanding the best of life"

Talk about syncronicity, and things coming together.

Hoping this applys for you as well.

I am visualizing myself as a butterfly that is soaring on to the next flower. Be strong, let go, and don't settle for someone who does things that you would never ever do to him. It's not love!!

August 27, 2006
8:13 am
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cloud nine
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i am libra , what do they say about me?
the upsetting thing is that he doent call back and i want him to do it . i want him to do something but he doesnt.....is very sad that after 4 years he wont call me . I phoned him because i owe him some money but i was really upset and told him that he lied about his ex wife.
i went crazy last night texted him many times till had enough and had a valium and sleeping pill

i still have the urge to ring to blah him but im going to do do my utmost to stop enganging.

its not love , what is it ?

August 27, 2006
8:28 am
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For me its kinda like getting over an addiction (codependency?)so when I want to call him, I call a girlfriend instead, put on some high energy wild music and dance my buns off, watch a funny movie, or just about anything positive to take my mind off him.

I have practised this approach and it is getting easier and I am feeling better about getting away from his negativity. I say to myself that even an amoeba will move away from whatever causes it pain. I can do this too!!

August 27, 2006
9:20 am
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cloud nine
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is addiction ,codependency?
thanks for your words . this is my first day of trying no contact,

well i rang him and txted him already šŸ™‚

there is always tomorrow. eh?
thanks for your words , i feel less
distraught. how many days of no contact have you done ?

i m freeing myself from him, the thing is when we meet we have this brilliant chemistry, the best lover i ever had šŸ™

August 27, 2006
9:37 am
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StronginHim77
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cloud -

I am on Day #75 of No Contact from my ex-fiance. The healing begins when we initiate NC and then stick with it. No phone calls. No emails. No text messages. No letters. No "drive by's." Nothing. Block him from your phone. Block him from your email address.

As you can see, this only works if you are really and truly ready. You will be in control of the relationship for the first time. Right now, HE is in control. He is still jerking your strings, luring you back to his bed and using you for his own benefit, while claiming to "love" SOMEONE ELSE. That's rather hard on your self-esteem, isn't it? I know it would be hard on mine. He obviously has very little respect for you and assumes you will always be there to (ahem) "service" him.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but your scenario really got my adrenaline pumped. I would give that man the boot, pronto. You deserve a man who puts you FIRST in his life. We all need and deserve to be unique and special to the man we love.

My question...do you "love" this man or are you settling for him because you fear being alone, being out of a relationship?

- Strong

August 27, 2006
9:54 am
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cloud nine
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yes i deserve better, I know .
75 days thats is great, you will be over him by now ...yes not its not love because it hurts and he is not here . is he?

yes i have tried to stop before but i came back because i guess i want some sort of intimacy.

why is the sex so good though?

but yes well said boot pronto. but im the one who rings him .is there anyway i can block my phone from ringing his ?

but yes its time to stop contact all together, sometimes i just feel compelled .
thanks

August 27, 2006
10:09 am
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I don't even count the days of no contact.

Somehow that feels as if I am waiting for him to contact me and that he is in control. Which I will not accept. And I will NOT contact anyone who treats me so shabbily.

If he should ever call or email me (and I am positive he will) I have 'rehearsed' what I will say so there is no chance of being sucked in or back.

It took me quite a long time to get to where I am today.

As for the sex, it was for me the best I had ever experienced too. This lesson will now be shared with my next lover, (if there ever is one again)

Specifically, about phoning him, I put little sticky notes on all my phones all of which said, "DO NOT CALL". A little thing but it did help. Good luck and be strong!

August 27, 2006
12:08 pm
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cloud nine
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yes
sticky notes . i guess that might help. thanks little spirit
im freeing myself from it.
it is like giving up a drug that you know it is not good for you.

he wont call me I know that. I told him not to contact me EVER ,

his ex is a very sick woman (epilepsia , manic depression etc and mother of his 3 children so he is busy looking after her /kids . they separated 7 years ago . We met when I separated from my ex -husband, 4 years ago at uni when we were both doing teacher training , he was uncommited all along but i went with it because we had such great time when we met... He is very affable, sexy ,good looking . we both teachers etc.and it was a contrast from my ex who was, controlling and abusive ....

Over the years i tried to stop many times because i knew he was not that into me but i came back and carry on .....Now i m determined because he slept with his exwife recently and that is more that I can tolerate. he said it meant nothing , but in that case he has no respect for her or me.

cloud nine

sad but true. had a valium earlier on to ease the angst

August 27, 2006
4:17 pm
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Please be careful with the drugs, any drugs, yet do take care of you. When I saw my therapist yesterday she offered me some medication. I don't think/feel I need it yet but it is a comfort to know its there if I need it.

Mine too was very handsome, sexy, and fun but adding it all up it really isn't worth it to be in relationship with a man who is only somewhat there, and only when it suits him.

I have always had a rule if you will, and it is that ... if they sleep with someone else ... its over, for good and I mean my good. It is simply something I would never do to someone I cared about. I couldn't sleep with someone I didn't care about if there was someone else in my life so how can they. If it meant nothing then why do it?

Its kinda liberating knowing they won't call. It feels like it's up to me and as hard as it is at times I will NOT call. I have even fanasized about if this were to happen or that were to happen (like a worse case scenario) and I will NOT call none the less.

Life is difficult enough as it is without being tolerant of a part-time lover.

You WILL find yourself on cloud nine but not with this man. Be strong, self repectful, and gentle with yourself. You deserve the BEST life has to offer.

I think I was a transitional relationship for him

August 27, 2006
5:28 pm
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StronginHim77
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During the height of my anguish, my doctor gave me an Rx for valium, to help me de-stress and keep my blood pressure down. It did help when the panic and grief would overwhelm me. Helped me calm down. I didn't need it forever, but it sure helped during those first, agonizing weeks.

August 27, 2006
7:03 pm
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cloud nine
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thank you both for you encouragement , yes i have seen the light , never felt used or abused
but yes i deserve a loving commited relationship with somebody who is there for me .

the last straw was sleeping with her ex , That is also one of my rules i feel ok now, I think reading your posts had shake the self denial, My only dilemma is that i owe him Ā£40 , wondering if i should give it back?

August 27, 2006
8:47 pm
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Mail it to him if you must yet with no card ... Simply a terse note using only his first name (no 'dear' etc). Here is the money I owe you.
Thanks, (and your name)

Well what do you think??

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