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Still in Denial
March 31, 2009
1:51 pm
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LoveSandy
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good day
In working with a therapist over the past two years, she has come to discover that I am a victim of sexual abuse. Because it was family members mainly and did not include vaginal penetration and because it was consentual (even though I was young) I am haivng a hard time calling it that even though all roads lead to that with regards to my behavior over the years and with regards to my self esteem and many other issues. Anyway, I am going thru a work book she recommended called The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis but often times it's VERY hard for me to get into because of this denial. I guess I just need some support as I won't heal if I don't reach out. I've tried reaching out to friends but I can't quite do it out of fear of being judged.

March 31, 2009
3:22 pm
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CAMER
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hi Sandy...do you want to talk more about it??? only if you feel comfy??

April 1, 2009
12:50 am
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sunshine88
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hi Love Sandy, my people on this board may have experienced one way or another similar situation, so they are likely not to judge you. you can speak your mind here, to help you think, to help you accept, and we do do our best to understand and support. that's what we are here for.

i hope to find you here again. we look forward to hearing more from you.

hugs to you.

April 1, 2009
8:07 am
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LoveSandy
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Thanks for your support Sunshine and CAMER, I am ok with that.

April 2, 2009
6:35 am
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sunshine88
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any insights from your reading? i'm getting over somebody too, maybe i can learn from you...

May 4, 2009
9:07 pm
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LoveSandy
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Hi Sunshine. sorry for the delay.. I am in the beginning of the book as it is taking me a while to really get into it..these first chapters are all about a support system. finding who you can trust and learning how to create a safe space for your self. I will keep you posted... but this book is more so for one who has been sexually abused although i'm sure you can gleen some insight

May 8, 2009
1:58 am
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sunshine88
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hi Love Sandy, how's it going? i was looking, looking, looking for this thread, hahaha... how have you been, my dear?

you know, last night, i saw my ex online. i was online too, and it made me sad that he was online, but not with me. i decided to remove his address from my IM so that i would never have to see if he's online or not, and not get hurt like that.

i didn't cry though. i was just sad, and was struggling to put it away from my mind.

it's never easy LoveSandy, but with a little help of friends, we get by. that's why whatever it is going on with you these days, am here for you.

keep posting!

May 17, 2009
11:27 pm
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LoveSandy
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hey there sunshine.... thx for looking. that means a lot.. i'm good. i think its good that you removed him from your IM. I may need to do that with my X but i'm so not ready. we broke up a couple of months ago and I am sad because he is my neighbor. so I have the pleasure of wondering where he is and who he is with whenever I dont see his car outside. so sad but I miss him soo much.. i guess this too shall pass

May 18, 2009
6:21 am
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sunshine88
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Hi Love Sandy, i think that the sooner you do remove him from his IM, and stop yourself from wondering about his whereabouts, the sooner it will pass.

it hurt me a lot to delete and block his address. it felt like i was totally removing him from my world already. but i told myself, wake up, sunshine, he's already gone from your life. and maybe i was the only one keeping him from my life, but i was so out of his.

so for the sake of being fair to yourself, sweetie, have your own life, and this time without him in it. and fight the temptation of fancying about his whereabouts. fancy about your plans for the day... do a lot of nice things for yourself.

not long ago, friends from this site are the ones telling me this, and now i realize fully what it means. It is like pulling a rotten tooth. it's gonna hurt, it's dead, but once it's gone, you start being healthy.

please keep that in mind, and i hope that helped a bit. otherwise, here's a hug for you. (((love sandy)))

May 18, 2009
8:29 pm
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LoveSandy
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it did help sunshine...stung me a bit but helped nonetheless..I guess I'm in sort of a denial about he and I as well. i dont want to believe that its over for good. but i know i need to let go. i dont want to pass up something else in hopes that he turns around and wants to be with me. deep sigh. anyway thanks for the e-hug i needed it... 🙂

May 19, 2009
12:27 am
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sunshine88
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hi LoveSandy, yup cyberhugs are just about what i'm rich with!

am very happy for you! way to go, girl!!! that's a good start. you know, one of my friends in this site taught me that sometimes we dont realize it, that we do, at the back of our mind, stick around, and the words my friend used was, "waiting for crumbs my ex will throw my way."

that insight made me realize that i'm still holding out for him, just in case... just in case... i know the feeling very well. i taught myself to stop wondering about what's he doing, and who's he's with and why, why, why... it was a violent struggle, but after some time, your mind gets more disciplined, and your heart starts to love YOU more, and starts to take care of how you are, instead of how he is.

keep posting, i hope to be here for you as much as i can. another e-hug coming your way ! (((LoveSandy)))

May 19, 2009
1:05 pm
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atalose
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Ladies,

I think you both should feel proud of yourselves for getting out of un-healthy relationships that were just never going to work for you, least not in a positive healthy way.

Ending are sad and filled with grief, and grief is filled with doubt. The key is not to allow that grief to control our actions. Just because we are sad and feeling lonely doesn’t mean the answer is to reach out to someone who’s caused us heartache. Those are bad band aid temporary solutions that end up causing us bigger heartache and deeper sadness.

We have all been there, over come by sadness and loneliness. Keeping the crazy thoughts and obsessive thinking to our minds instead of our finger tips (calling them) takes work, hard word for especially for us codies.

Sunshine……..keep up the good work, it’s great you have reached the stage where giving the NO CONTACT advise not only helps you become stronger but now you understand and can help others…..((sunshine))

LoveSandy………..put curtains up on those windows so you can’t see his car, remove him from your phone…all those things help remove him from your constant thoughts…keep yourself busy, mind, body and spirit….hang in there it really does get easier.. ((lovesandy))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 21, 2009
9:48 am
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sunshine88
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hey atalose, thanks for the encouragement. just the other day, i was missing him a lot, and i was very tempted to call him. i didn't call him, but i ended up crying myself to sleep. when i woke up next morning, i thanked the heavens that i didn't call him! woke up to my senses (at least temporarily hahaha...)

hi lovesandy, how have you been? any progress on your readings?

May 21, 2009
9:48 am
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sunshine88
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oh and here's to both of you (((atalose & lovesandy)))

May 21, 2009
11:20 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi LoveSandy, I read your first post on this thread and I relate to you. That feeling of shame. Of feeling like you did something wrong. Or you did something not knowing it was wrong. Congratulations on posting and working on yourself. That takes courage. It is difficult to expose yourself and put yourself out there. People may judge you. Its been told to me, you are as sick as your secrets. Tonight in my counseling session, I ratted myself out for somethings, and I feel kinda horrible, don't like owning up to my own mistakes, its scary, but I have to do it, as uncomfy as it is.

That is tough, having an ex as a neighbor. My ex did that, moved in 3 houses away. I finally moved!

I can totally relate also sunshine and atalose as well. so been there calling the ex. Focusing on his life rather than my own. Keep pushing forward. ((hugs))

May 22, 2009
12:53 pm
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atalose
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Sunshine88………I have learned over the years, NOT to be a re-actor allowing my emotions to control me. That’s good you didn’t call him, sorry you fell asleep crying but you know crying can be good, we all need a good cry, it releases a lot. I used to have the patience of a Nat, always re-acting never taking the time to sit, think and reflect. Today I have learned to control myself and my impulses which would have always taken me down the wrong road. Impulse control is the key especially when dealing with a break up and obsessing about him/the relationship. You are doing a great job, keep up that healthy work.

Lovesandy……thinking about you and how you are doing. Living so close has to be extremely difficult for you. I have never experienced that so I can only imagine. Hope you are doing ok.

Balancesekr……”you are as sick as your secrets” wow, how true that statement is, thank you for sharing it. I don’t think many of us like owning up to our mistakes. I know for me I did the blame game for a very long time never truly looking at that person who looks back at me in the mirror.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 24, 2009
12:13 pm
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sunshine88
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how have you been, LoveSandy? hope things are starting to get better.

thanks atalose for sharing your experience. i've been working a lot on that issue myself. but i've a long way to go.

yes balanceseekr, keep pushing forward. today, in the middle of my Tai Chi exercise, i suddenly felt sad. and i started to move clumsily. so i went here to relate to people in the same shoes to remind myself to do just that: keep pushing forward. no looking back. and music went: dare to live.... how appropriate.

lov u guys

May 24, 2009
2:53 pm
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LoveSandy
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Hey there ladies....I am loving all the encouragement and of course in need of it. As far as the X, I'm getting there. I love the reference of waiting for the crumbs sunshine because that is EXACTLY what I do. I've been here before with other relationships that have ended atalose and I've come out (not without tears and heartache) but I know that will be ok... each day even though I may not feel it I am getting stronger. Truth be told, I guess I am simply afraid of being alone. (for the rest of my life that is)

balancesekr, my therapist really wants me to get into a support group outside of therapy and I think I may be open to the idea. I believe it will help in the healing process.

I am going thru my book VERY SLOW Sunshine... for some reason, every time I try to read it, I allow myself to get distracted.. I know its the denial thing but like with other things, i'm gettin there 🙂

You all enjoy your holiday!

May 31, 2009
8:53 am
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LoveSandy
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things are looking up sunshine. i really appreciate your always checkin in with me... you rock! 🙂

everyday has its own challenges but each day i think im getting stronger

May 31, 2009
2:18 pm
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sunshine88
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hi there love sandy, i read your other thread, and i was like, omg, cpt was terrified of the book that he had to tear up the cover? i think i'm afraid of it already! hahaha...

i think i like Bitsy's suggestion of getting the book "Be your own best friend". i think if the book intimidates us, it will not work for us. it only gets us stuck in a chapter we might not be ready for. let's take a lighter dose, i mean...

all the best to you LS. i'm here for u 🙂

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