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Still Here: Why Do I Feel This Way?
August 27, 2006
4:27 pm
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SeeingStars
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Hi Guys:

Mamma C. TS... Theres so many more of you guys who reached out to me and made me feel safe for a minute.

For those who remember my previous posting: heres an update

I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face: Its summer time, the sun is shining, and i hear birds who sound so happy..

I stretch and i smile

The question i ask later on in the day is: WHY?????

Why am i smiling when i awaken?

my mother threaten to hurt me (in front of my nephew and niece)

My sister fails to hold her promise and spends her promise money on jewelry instead of helping me out

after my sister finds my hiding place and steals my 60 bucks

after my brother works over time and buys a Brand new laptop: yet he still hasn't given me a dime for watching his children

after i know for a Fact that my father hold off on paying my High school bill: for a whole year, and accused me of not wanting to move forward in life........

and as i watch another brother of mines: give me a glance that tells me he's disgusted that im content in living this stupid, horrible life. when in fact im screaming on the inside and smiling on the outside: because i know i cant be unhappy and bitter in front of my niece and nephew.

Why haven't i gone crazy by now?

Why do i still wake up with a smile on my face

like everything is OK

everything's HAPPY

My bday is coming up: I'll be 21

21... i feel so diggusted with myself..

I called up job corps. I'm seeing if i can go through the program.. And start the process of gaining a life: all by myself.

Of course i have no way of getting their right this minute.. No car, no money, just desperation.

Even though i have a "family", even though all my siblings has gotten through high school and good paying jobs: with no asked help from both of my parents: except for me.

Im like the evil black sheep or something.. and the scapegoat...

i dont know

guys

again

i need help

August 27, 2006
4:40 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi honey, I'm here.

I'm so sorry things are still so hard for you. Do you need anything but q wqy to get to the Job Corps? I mean do they pay your way once you are in? If so, maybe they will help transport you to them. Check it out ok.

I'd ask how you've been, but that is obvious. Care to fill us in on what's been goin on?

I'll sit w/ you for a bit.

August 27, 2006
5:12 pm
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SeeingStars
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Mamma C: Your here!

Thank you for your response: Job corps informed me that i can get a job once im in the program. There room and board, and school assitance for those who need to finish HS: or they can get their GED.

Im just uncomfortable with having to be in a room with 4-5 other young ladies. Most people who go to Job Corps have difficult lifes, and extreme problems.

i have problems and i feel there extrem enough for me to leave. But nothing like the people who are at this program. I dont know if fit in.

Well i just recieve all of my courses from my school: My father after a year and and a couple of months finally send them the $100, so i could get the rest of my courses.

I have 21 courses to finish so i can recive my HS diploma. This includes calculus and advance spanish. Its over whelming: plus

Im still watching my neice and nephew: their behavior is even worst: because of my mother telling them they dont have to listen to me.

I dont know i feel like my life will stay this way or get worst by leaving: im afriad of the unknown.

The program thats down here: i really dont want to go to: its much harder in the south, around the people that i know i will be expose to but i have no other choice.

August 27, 2006
5:35 pm
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mamacinnamon
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SS:

Let me ask you this. Do you think there will be folks out there that will purposely bash your head into a dresser and have others watching and doing nothing? That did happen to you didn't it?

I really don't know much about the job corps, but i want to tell you this. You make your way in life. You get in someone's face if they are bullying you or threatening you. You may get your butt beat once, but you fight back and earn the respect you deserve.

Now before anyone tells me I'm teaching you wrong... i will clarify this to everyone and to you SS. I do not believe that fighting is the way to go. I do however believe that if someone starts it then you have the right to finish it. That is how I was raised. I am basically a peaceable person, but there are times when peace does not work.

What I am saying to you honey is that if you go into the job corps and someone gets in your face don't run to the ladies room and cry. Stand up tall and look that person in the eyes and deal w/ the situation then. Most, not all, but most bully type folks will back down. Most bullies are bullies coz they are afraid and don't want folks to see it.

So, now that I've gone on for half a page on fighting... so sorry honey. How long will it take you to complete the 21 courses? Maybe if you are gonnqa be 21 a GED is a better solution. That you will have to decide. I just don't want to see you staying in the place you are. I almost feel it is more dangerous than in a shelter or in the job corps.

What do ya think?

August 27, 2006
6:21 pm
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SeeingStars
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When you put it like that: yea i guess no one will be bashing my head in... and all the other stuff i have to go through everyday. I'm not afriad of being outside: when i use to go to school, i would have to take the bus, and walk 2 miles, lol. So i dont mind that: being around people. That made me feel secure, safe even: like: its better out here than at my house.

You read through my words: and got right to what i was trying to move around: the beef. I cant stand this stupid, petty, always have my name in your mouth people: even the guys down here are that way. I know how to hold my own.

I just need people like you telling me there is no other choice: cause once im out there: im going to hate if theres trouble: im going to blame myself for leaving: even though my situation is horrible.

Im breezing through my double everything adavnce courses except the calculus and spanish: im going to need a tutor for that. Im pretty sure HOW to do everything: Except Stepping out the front door and getting to the program: I dont want to steal money: but the only job i had back 6 months ago: i gave my pathtic check to my parents: only $200 bucks. I only work 4 days, lol. So they have that, and we dont speak. So how will i even get to take a taxi to the place.

My sis said she wont do it, so i dont know. I would LOVE to have options, like so many people do. I just dont see any

Thank SOOOO MUCH Mama: Your the best

August 27, 2006
6:37 pm
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mamacinnamon
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SSL

Tell me honey, did you check into the women's shelters? I remember you did not want to make waves or cause any problems for the others left there, but honey, I think that they will eventually need the protection also. I know you said they are in no danger. That is now while you are there to beat on. What happens when you are gone? I promise you things will not go to a normal household. Someone will take your place. I'm not trying to put anything on your head. I just think you need to look at reality, as if you have not had enough of reality to last a lifetime. The best way you could leave is by getting the others protection when you go. They will also help you get to the job corps. Can you tell me where you are on talking to them?

Have you checked w/ a church and seen if they or someone there will help you get to the corps?

August 27, 2006
6:50 pm
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SeeingStars
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First need to go to is the admission office: they hold oreintations tuesdays and wednesdays 10 and 1 pm.

Once there they explain what job corps is, etc. I called last wednesday: to go to the oreintation: But I couldnt because my money gotten stolen.

The process is: They make sure im able to attend: no court dates, no children, etc. The i have to give them both my transcript and dob info. After that they'll set me up in a job corps program, : im sure i'll have to wai a couple of days before im actually moved in and stuff.

No i didnt check the women shelter: im seeing if theres any other way besides that 🙁

August 27, 2006
7:13 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ok honey.

I'll stop asking questions for today. I just care.

Please don't be a stranger. Keep us posted and let us know if we can help investigate options or be here for you emotionally.

August 27, 2006
7:20 pm
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SeeingStars
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<3 MamaC Thank U SO Much! <3 and i will!

August 27, 2006
7:34 pm
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cpt1212
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seeing stars,

i think that job corp is a wonderful program. it gives you a chance to test the waters of being on your own and taking the next step into adulthood and opening doors but with support. the people that run job corp want to see you succeed. if this is something that you want then don't let the doubts stop you. i know that there is an age limit, i just don't know what it is. you don't want to look back and regret it. as for the family stuff--they will take care of themselves. it is time for you to take care of yourself and create the life that you want---one with options, and peace and one that you can be proud of. you have taken the first step in being able to know that what you see around is not what you want and that you deserve better.

good luck to you and keep us posted

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