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Still going
August 22, 2005
1:40 pm
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Ian75
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We broke up about 4 months ago, after 4 years of dating, including one year of living together. I'm still thinking about her alot, and wondering what went wrong, and feeling like there are many unresolved issues with us. She doesnt seem concerned about any of that, at all.

When we were together there were some really great things about her that I loved. She's really intelligent, has alot of interests, likes alot of the things that I do. On many levels things were great with us...she helped me to remember to have fun and get out and do some things that I normally wouldnt do. She can be a very energetic, funny, and exciting person to be around.

But we always had difficulties when it came to sincerity, intimacy, and communication. That kept coming up again and again, and she always told me that not all people like to talk about things, or talk through things the way that I do. Sometimes she would all of a sudden get very cold or distant, and it always took a lot of prying to get her to tell me what was going on. I was always the one to initiate discussions or try to solve relationship problems. She generally didnt want to deal with things like emotional issues, etc. She tended to view such things as unimportant, weak.

Early on she told me that she had trouble getting close to people because of her father, who was a severe alcoholic. She was very averse to expressing or dealing with her emotions. Talks about that were like torture for her.

Despite the problems, just a little over a year ago we moved in together. Things were really nice in alot of ways; I liked living with her and being around her. We really got along well, on certain levels. We worked hard together, and helped each other out in school, and spent alot of time together. But after a couple months I started getting really tired of the pattern where I was the one who dealt with and brought up any emotional issues. I really started to give up in that department, and it started feeling like things were stalled. I had wanted marriage at some point, but I started feeling like that wasnt a possibility considering how we handled things differently. We had one talk where she admitted to me that she knows she has issues with intimacy and being close, but when I asked her if she would do something about it (counseling), she said that she wasnt ready or willing to do that. I made it clear that it would be me and her going to that, but she was never into it. I had brought up the idea before as well, and this was the last time. For me, that was where I gave up in that area for the most part.

We stayed together for a while, and things got worse. We really started drifting apart, and I didnt want to be the one to save it like I had every time in the past. She could tell that something had changed for me. We both went to different places for spring break. I came back from my trip feeling better about things, with a renewed interest in talking about the future, and about making things better with us. I thought maybe she was depressed because I hadnt been talking about marriage like I had before. When I got home to her I was all excited, and she was cold as ice. That lasted for a few days, when I finally confronted her and she told me that she wanted to move out. I wanted to stop her, but didnt. I let her go because she told me that was what she needed...to be alone. She gave me no reasons, and didnt want to talk about any of it. She said she didnt know why, or have any specifics. She packed her things and walked out the door. I felt like I deserved more after all that I had put in, and after 4 years of being together.

Of course she called, and kept telling me that she loved me and that I was her best friend. We slept together a few times. Later I found out that she was going around and making out with other guys at this same time, 3 within a few weeks of moving out. When she moved out I had asked her point blank if she was wanting to see other people and she said no. I found out about these others guys after the fact; she lied at first. That was pretty terrible to find out, since I had been thinking that she was taking the time to think about us and what happened. Not the case.

She kept insisting all summer that she loved me, and that I was her best friend, and that the time apart would be good for us. She also didnt want to talk about anything, and didnt call much. She never had any answers regarding what had happened with us, which was really difficult for me. I was wondering all summer. She just kept telling me that we would see what happens with us in the fall when I got back up there. At the same time she was out having fun and seeing other guys, and didnt see a problem with doing that and telling me how much she loved me and couldnt wait to see me (I've been down south working all summer). I spent some time with one girl, but knew that wasnt what I wanted.

I looked at it like my ex wasnt dealing with our problems, and she was using these other guys to feel better. She told me that she does deal with her problems, but in a different way than me. To me, it seems like she just doesnt address things and instead runs away.

In about a week I'm moving back up there since school starts back up. I wrote her a couple emails in which I told her that I am done being all angry about this, and that I care about her and wish her luck. I wanted to just bury the hatchet, but I feel like a pushover, like I let her off the hook. I'm still not ok with how she went about things with me, at all. She hasnt responded to what I wrote, and that bothers me. She still tells me that she's really confused, and that she thinks about me alot, and that I'm important to her yada yada yada.

When I try to be understanding of her side of things, I find myself feeling like I still love her, despite all that has happened. And that bothers me. Why would I still feel like that, when she has treated me like hell? What bothers me also is the fact that I stayed in this for so long when it was really unfulfilling on the deeper and more intimate levels. I stopped doing alot of the things I loved or got satisfaction from, and toward the end I felt dead all the time, just had no feelings at all about anything.

Above everything, it bothers me that I still have ANY feelings for this person, that she can still get to me. How is that possible and why would I be attracted to someone who has treated me like this??? This whole thing was really one sided in many important ways, and I dont want to get involved in that sort of thing ever again. I'm tired of it.

Sorry for being so long winded.

August 22, 2005
2:10 pm
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CAMER
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it sounds like she is taking the easy way out, by not responding to you.
She did tell you she "deals" with emotional issues in different ways, and her ways seem to be just covering things up, replacing men, and not dealing with her true issues.

I can see you still having feelings
for her, you were both together for 4 years....and that is a looonnnggg time, and you are most likely thinking of all the good times, and the good things of the past and the living together, and maybe what went wrong. So i think what your feeling is normal.

Sometimes we are attracted to people who don't treat us well is cuz we
think we "deserve this" or sometimes
we are so used to/comfortable with things and think this is normal, and try to persue it more, even when we
deep down know it is bad.

Keep posting & venting, its all good!

August 22, 2005
2:23 pm
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Ian75
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Thanks for the respose Camer...

It does feel good to vent about this and just go through it all.

Ya, I still clearly have feelings. I said alot to her, and I meant what I said, so its not something that is just going away. And I have been thinking about the better times lately and wondering what the hell happened.

Sometimes I think I let myself drift back to thinking about her out of laziness or something. I know it's not a good thing, and that I should be thinking of anything but her.

August 22, 2005
2:25 pm
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StronginHim77
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Run to the nearest bookstore and have them direct you to books for "Adult Children of Alcoholics." There really is such a thing and these people are EXTREMELY poor at sustaining intimacy. They will share sex with you, fun activities with you and "surface" chat with you, but they have huge problems with the emotional spectrum. In short, intimacy makes them extremely uncomfortable. Imagine what kind of mother a woman like this makes? I have known ACOA's who have gone on to marry and have kids. Their husbands were ACUTELY lonely and their children wound up codependent, substance abusers, etc. They are unable to GIVE of their inner selves, even to their mates. You are probably better off finding this out about her NOW, before marrying her. And especially before having children by her. They would have suffered.

I know you are feeling badly. She was the first, great love of your life and it is so painful to move on. But try your best. And you might even want to get some counseling for yourself, to discover why you were attracted to this type of woman, before it becomes a life-long pattern with heartbreaking (and permanent) consequences.

Keep us posted. We are here for you.

August 22, 2005
2:39 pm
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Ian75
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Strong:

Thanks. I have heard about ACOA and read a little about that whole thing. Maybe indeed a trip to the bookstore is in order.

Whenever I used to hear stories about her childhood I would really feel empathy for her, but that got me into trouble I think and I put up with things that I didnt like or feel good about. It became this big excuse. Dont get me wrong, I do have a great deal of compassion about what happened to her, and I was always there to talk to her about it all. But I never really seemed to get through to her, and she never really tried to address any of it or look at how if affected her.

It's weird. I havent been wanting to get back together with her, but I have missed her. I miss what was, and what I hoped could be. More than anything I feel cheated, like things are so unresolved and that I derserved alot more, even in the breakup. I have told her since we broke up that I'm not going to FORCE her to do anything, or talk her into anything anymore. Maybe my disappointment comes from my hope that she would have actually done something about me, which didnt happen. No calls, no big talks, nothing. It was like it never happened.

August 22, 2005
2:41 pm
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kathygy
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lan,

Your story reminds me of my marriage. Except that I was the one who wanted to talk things through and have a deep emotional intimacy. My exhusband wasn't capable of doing that. I told him either we go to couples counseling or I am gone. He buried his head in the sand soI left the marriage. Then he begged and begged me to go to counseling with him but it was too late.

You sound like a great guy. Its very positive that you wanted to talk things through and have a deeper intimacy. It sounds like your girlfriend has every little insight into her self and is afraid of intimacy. She's a very poor choice for a relationship. Your much better off to let her go and find someone who is willing to develop the intimacy you need and want. If you go back to your girlfriend it will be more of the same problems and frustrations. I suspect your love for her given all these problems comes from your childhood wounds.

If you can't have open and honest communication then you don't really have a relationship.

Whatever you do don't supress your needs. They are of utmost importance.

You have a lot to offer a relationship. Waste it on someone who is incapable of having a real intimacy?

love,
kathy

August 22, 2005
3:01 pm
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Ian75
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Kathy,

Thanks for what you wrote. Sounds like you can really relate to being with someone who didn't communicate. It was like talking to a black hole with my ex, really frustrating because I would expend all this energy and nothing really came back.

I'm on way way to moving past all this, but sometimes I hit snags and get drawn back a little. Recently I was up near her when I was looking for a new apartment. I hadnt really talked to her for a month or so, and she called me everyday I was up there. She wanted to meet up, and when we did she had no desire to talk about anything...she just wanted to "be civil" and meet, thats it. It was frustrating, like always, and since then I have been thinking about her a little again, wondering what she was trying to do. It didnt make any sense to me.

So I'm just trying to keep on track and not waste any more of my time. Thanks again for the response.

August 22, 2005
3:19 pm
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Ian75
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StronginHim77 wrote:

"And you might even want to get some counseling for yourself, to discover why you were attracted to this type of woman, before it becomes a life-long pattern with heartbreaking (and permanent) consequences."

Ya...thats something that I have been concerned about. I dont want to keep getting myself into the exact same kind of relationship. I realize that I have things to work on as well, and am definitely not scared of or averse to counseling. Thanks for the good advice.

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