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still fighting codependency
August 29, 2005
10:56 am
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gayle
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My boyfriend of a few months and bestfriend of several years suffers from depression. We are in a long distace relationship and see eachother every other weekend. I have two sons and am fairly recently divorced. We have decided to hold off him coming around the kids until they have had more time to heal from all of that. I will say that my boyfriend was not the cause of my divorce, my ex husband was verbally abusive and I have been in therapy for about a year. I haven't been to my therapist in a couple of months and have called for an appt soon. The struggle is that when my now boyfriend was just my best friend he was a mess. He and I even stopped talking for awhile b/c it was too hard for both of us. He was in therapy for several months and his therapist moved away just a few weeks ago and he hasn't found a new one to go to, also at the same time he started becoming extremely jealous and suspecting of things that weren't even happening. We talked about it and he said he is working on it but I think he really needs to get back into therapy. I love him deeply and know I can't fix him, its hard on me when he struggles with stuff and I am trying to break myself from trying to own his problems.

August 29, 2005
11:10 am
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StronginHim77
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Warning bells of codependency: (1) "...it's hard on me when he struggles with stuff;" (2) "...trying to own his problems;" (3) "I think he needs to get back into therapy;" [key words here: I THINK HE NEEDS] (4) "...my boyfriend suffers from depression" [codependents are attracted to partners with PROBLEMS that we can "fix/rescue them from"].

Ok. There are the warning bells that I could spot. Mind you, I am new at this. I, too, am in recovery from codependency. Sounds like an unhealthy relationship in the classic codependent pattern. Glad you are returning to your therapist. Fresh, objective, direct input will help you to sort through the obvious here and get to the bottom line: YOU. I am proud of you. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

August 29, 2005
11:16 am
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gayle
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Strong-
Thank you! I needed that! I agree, I reek of codependency! I can do this- I have come a long way from the person I was a year ago. I am going to spend some time for me, make myself happy and all I can do for my boyfriend is pray for him and love him. He has to decide for himself what he wants and how he wants to get there. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the warning bells! I look forward to my appt, it has been too long.

August 30, 2005
9:25 am
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gayle
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Having a tough time today, about a week ago he said something was on his mind and he needed to work it out, we took a little time that evening to just chill and think and then talked some that night. I have tried really hard for the last week to put on a hppy face and not ask him to talk. I am trying to give him the time to talk when he is ready and not when I am, this is his issue. He said it wasn't anything I did just something he needed to work on. Each day its a little harder for me to basically pretend everything is ok. I want him to get on with it and tell me what the deal is. We still say we love eachother and talk about what we are going to do this weekend and how we are going to see coldplay next month. It doesn't seem like whatever this is will end our relationship. We were going to talk last nignt but her got a migraine- he gets them frequently and this morning said it was because he was over stressed about talking about WHATEVER this is. I feel extremely codependent right now and I want to break this cycle I am in and get rid of my anxiety, this is HIS problem, I didn't cause it, it is his stress not mine, I don't and wont own this and I want to let it go. I have a voice and I can use it. I love him and he loves me and I am not going to be his victim, I can't fix him and can't make it all better, his issues are his to work on and I can listen but I don't have to do anything. He can't make me happy only I can do that. He can't love me more than I can love myself. I have children that need me to take care of them instead of fociusing all of my energy into a guy that isn't even there all of the time, we aren't married, he is 4 hours away and even though we want to eventually get married, he has work to first just like I do and only he can do it. I am going to focus on myself and find ways to make me happy. I just have to figure out how to do that. I am getting back into old patterns and I don't want to do that. I am not going to do that. I am going to love me first and him second. I am giving all of this to God, He will work it out as He sees fit for my life. I am not a victim of a man suffering from depression and it is not my job to do anything. He doesn't control me, he is not in charge, I am, I am in control and I am in charge. Its hard to believe that sometimes...

August 30, 2005
9:56 am
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Anonymous
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I don't know this guy - so I will throw out the only thing I can think of -

could he be using emotional manipulation on you to try to suck you in and "help" him or "rescue" him?

perhaps he knows that if he is elusive and crying about being stressed, you will break down and try to help fix it and your "detachment" is killing him?

you are doing the right thing - detachment is soooooo hard - I'm still learning.

stay strong, keep reading your books, keep "talking" to yourself, keep posting here and keep reading others' posts.

you are on the right track - backing off and focusing on your therapy is going to be your saviour right now...it's hard, but you seem very strong and very wise.

go spend time with your kids - take them to the park, do a craft with them, go school shopping, bake a cake or cookies, rent a movie, read a book together - something that would REQUIRE mental attention - not something you can be passive during. (((HUGS))))

August 30, 2005
10:05 am
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gayle
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alicat-
Thank you I needed that, I am going to start living my life rather than waiting for something that might or might not happen, my kids need a full time mom and he should come second to them. I am going to stop thinking and start doing! I can do this! Its not the end of the world he is just a man. ((((HUGS))))

August 31, 2005
10:25 am
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gayle
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Well, its over, we broke up last night. Some history, he suffers from ptsd from an issue in his childhood, it was incestous in nature and initiated by him with his sisters and didn't know it was wrong until it was discovered. He feels he has ruined his sisters lives and hates himself for it. He attempted suicide several times as a teenager and was a cutter. He was in therapy for the first time in his life and aside from his therapist I am the only person he has ever told. He said it is always present in his life, his youngest sister has had terrible abusive relationships and he blames himself for it and the middle sister is a little better but also has never found happiness in a relationship. He can't move past this and said he realized after we started talking about getting married that he just can't do it. He said he feels he is meant to be alone. About a month and a half ago his therapist told him she was moving away and he hasn't been to see her since, he is not sure he can share what he did with anyone else, it was painful to hear him tell me what happened. I told him I understood he needs time to work on himself, we have been friends for 8 years and seriously together for about a year. I love him and he loves me and we just can't be together. How do I let him go? I can't imagine another man in my life, I was married for 10 years and got a divorce b/c he was verbally abusive and am in therapy myself. I don't want another man in my life. He said he loves me and feels he can't handle the responsibility of a relationship, I respect him for coming to terms with this but it really hurts and it sucks, he won't let me love him b/c he hates himself so much.

August 31, 2005
1:12 pm
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taj64
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We can still love a person but know in your heart that the relationship won't work or that is not good for us. Accepting of this goes a long way. And healing is a necessary process and time takes care of that. You certainly are deserving of something better. Work on what you can do with your life. Spend more time on being the best mom you can be, and other aspects that bring you happiness whether it be with or without a man. Choose a healthier relationship next time and look out for early signs of someone who had unhealthy emotional behaviors. Accept only what is best for you. I hope this helps.

August 31, 2005
2:07 pm
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gayle
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It does, I am really sad. He was (is) my best friend. I have other friends but it is not the same. I just hurt and feel so empty, I miss him and I know the best thing I can do is stay away from talking to him or I will never be able to get over this. How do you stop loving someone you thought you would spend the rest of your life with? When does the pain go away? I don't know how to make sense of this? I feel lost and alone and sad and empty and I want my best friend back and my lover back and I want to feel happy again. I know I should focus on my kids and I am going to try to do that more than I was before. This is the weekend the kids go to their dad's and I am going to be alone, I was supposed to go visit him for a long weekend and now I am not. I want this pain to end and I want him to get help and come back to me, I want everything to be ok and its not and feels like it never will again. I can't get out of this black hole. Help me....

August 31, 2005
4:18 pm
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gingerleigh
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This will pass. It's a dark moment for you right now, and there will be more dark moments, but just ride this one out for a few more minutes, ok? Can you take a break from the 'puter and pour yourself some tea or something? Just stand up and move and breathe deeply, pull yourself up out of the spiral you're feeling, even if just for a moment. Come on, sweetie, you can do it.

August 31, 2005
4:33 pm
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taj64
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Im sorry you are sad but it will pass. It will take a few weeks or longer for you to get past the heartbreak. But know that it will go away. You will be happy again. Try to keep very busy while the kids are away, clean your house, take a movie in, takes walk, paint a wall, do anything you can do, to take your mind off of it. Pamper yourself even if it doesn't feel quite right just yet. and live with the thought that he cannot hurt you anymore. Keeping distance though very hard thing to accept will actually help you in the long run. It is going to be OK!

August 31, 2005
4:39 pm
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gayle
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Thanks ginger- I am very new to this site and have found the support here amazing. I don't want to be without him. maybe i just don't want to be alone. I have a therapy session tomorrow and have spent a good part of today crying off and on. I want to get this out and get over him and this. How do you let someone go that says they need to know you are ok and they love you but have realized that they are just not prepared to be in a relationship with anyone. For a long time he thought he would end up alone and was married and divorced had a couple of relationships after that and went about 4 years with noone until we got together. He said he really tried but realizes now that the issues from his childhood control him so much he will never be fully available and that my love has kept him going. How do I just stop when I love him and don't want to stop but also don't want to hurt anymore. I am lost and need to find myself. Mostly I just want my best friend back and he will never be back again. Its so easy to wallow in self pity and stay in this black hole but I am going to get out of it and I can be alone and be happy. and I can come here to talk. Thank you for your thoughts and care.

August 31, 2005
4:42 pm
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gayle
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Thank you Taj- I will try. Movies are out that was our thing, but I would feel good with a really clean house and I can do that! I don't want this to be real or happening. I want to be going to see him this weekend and having a nice romantic weekend together. The best sleep I get is next to him. This sucks.....

August 31, 2005
5:01 pm
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taj64
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I find it helpful to be doing the little things for my kids. I bought these two wicker baskets to put their school things in and plan to paint them. My pain was 3 weeks ago, felt just like you did. I am going crazy organizing things planning things, working on the yard and getting on this site to help others. It is much easier than sitting around and wallowing in my sorrow. And the biggest thing that help me was to not deny thing, accept them as they are. Acceptance goes a long ways. Let me know how you are doing tomorrow. Keep your chin up! You are not alone.

September 1, 2005
4:18 pm
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gayle
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Taj,
Today is better, I haven't really cried today, I go to my therapist this afternoon and kinda plan to lose it there in hopes I can figure out a way to deal with this. I think it is his issue from his childhood that is effecting me so much, I can't seem to put my mind around it and I don't want to. In a way it helps that we aren't really talking b/c I don't think I can right now I have to figure out a way to handle this first before I can deal with him. I hate that he hurts so much and I know that only he can fix it. I love him and pray for him to find peace and that is all I can do. I'll let you know how therapy goes tomorrow! Take care ((((HUGS))))

September 1, 2005
7:42 pm
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cathycsi
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Hello, i am new to this and i have never been to any therapy, not that i dont want to i just don't know where to find a good one and all that. but im currently in a relationship and we have been almost going out for a year, we both met at college and i absolutley love him to death he is the love of my life, but after a few months into the relationship he started to express his anger more openly and more frequently,( more in terms of a short fuse)and i feel that hes taking it out on me if something happens such as he cant find his phone or wallet or keys he blows up or gets mad at me and when im trying to ask questions to help him he gets short with me and it really hurts me alot when my mom will ask the same question to him he reacts soo nice and a respectfull manner and responds to her but if its me its like the other way.. i just dont understand it. hes more quiet and we used to tell each other everything and what were feeling and so on, and he likes to controll the situation or whatever is going on and has the tendicy to be right all the time and has to be perfect, his excuse for that is his father he says.. i can see that b.c his father puts alot on him and relies on him to do things well.. but the question is is it fair or right for him to treat me differently than he does to my family or people? i thought it was that you treat your family close friends with respect and a respectfull manner? i dont know anymore im confused and i have soo many feelings that i have tried to express to him and i have cried and it seems like its not getting him or he seems concerned ( not that he isnt) about his feelings. another thing is he has developed a good relationship with my younger 2 brothers and it seems that hes always with them and not me and if i come in im interupting something or that they have to retell everything that they said( i have a hearing loss) but he wasnt like this before when we started out as friends then seriously dating. i mean he also already gave me a promise ring? i just dont know what to say to him, or not what to say to him all i want him to change his pattern back to where he used to be i want my guy back...

September 2, 2005
4:26 pm
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gayle
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Ginger and Ali, How are you doing today? I am much better Therapy went really well and I appreciate your kind words of support when I needed them most. This weekend I am going to spend some time doing things around the house that I have been putting off and hang out with some friends, I am going to make it and keep coming here to talk to you and maybe do some helping of my own. ((((HUGS))))

September 8, 2005
8:32 pm
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HOLLY BERRY
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ME TOO - I'M NEW AS OF TODAY!

Talk about addiction - I may become addicted to this site.....so good to realize I am not alone with the demons that torment my mind.....

Talk to me! HB 🙂

September 8, 2005
8:43 pm
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gingerleigh
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This is a way better addiction than many we could have.

Welcome Holly.

September 8, 2005
8:51 pm
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Anonymous
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I am okay today.

was a struggle today - inner demons and all...but I kept my cool - tho I admit to letting some of the codep. thoughts take over a bit.

my mom said she couldn't watch my daughter today cuz my BF wasn't gonna be home cuz he has a possible interview. nothing was confirmed and i needed/wanted to go to work at my second job.

well, I tried and tried to reach him and could only get half an answer out of him via text messaging - which infuriates me - why can't he just answer the damn phone when I call - as usual, he has excuses.

anyway, once I got thru, he was like, I don't know for sure - why?...so I told him...he said he woudl call and confirm it and get back to me...then didn't call for an hour...I kept calling...again, infuriated of the lack of ability to communicate with him.

when we finally got to talk, he finally had a confirmed time - and could not come home - so I chose to come home instead - cuz changing an interview is a bad move if you are lacking in other areas already - which he is - he already has a job he wants them to work around, schedule wise.

so anyway, we kept losing signal, and couldn't reconnect...this irriting me to no end.

I came home with "something up my ass" kind of attitude, and spent the night ticked.

not only was it frustrating trying to contact him, but I know that this job will keep him out of the house from 3 a.m. when he leaves for his first one, until 7 or 8 p.m., and then every saturday and sunday. yes, it's short term, but we aren't strong enough to survive it - so not only do I need to find daycare for my daughter, cuz he won't be around and I need to work, go to therapy and coda meetings, but I have to worry about the future of "us"...but I can't obsess, and just roll with it and see what happens. at the very least I will have "me" time and not have to deal with him face to face - he will come home, eat, and go to bed.

that's not really what I want, but have no choice - like I said, the silver lining is having "me" time to do as I please and improve my situation as I see fit.

September 9, 2005
10:26 am
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gayle
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Ali- Sounds very overwhelming. Just remember to take care of what you have to do today. Its easy to spiral down, but you know what to do and you are focusing on yourself and taking care of your daughter. I am a single parent of 2 and I have to depend on my mom alot. Sometimes it gets very frustrating. Remember to do something nice for your self, take 5 minutes to have a cup of tea, or read a bit of a book you like, find a quiet place and regroup when you get overwhelmed. It sounds like you keep trying to talk to your boyfriend and it become more and more frustrating to do that. Is there a time that you guys can have for just the 2 of you? It sounds like you both work alot but even just a couple of hours to spend together enjoying eachothers company. Keep the faith and remember do what you can today and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. You can do it! Have a good weekend! We are here for you!

September 9, 2005
10:54 am
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I'm doing okay actually.

I am still getting the same reactions when things come up - but how long I let them stay in my head is changing.

each day I feel less and less "obsessed".

some days are better than others.

we have a special weekend coming up - he promised to take me someplace for my bday - a surprise destination.

I think I know what it is - but worry "can he afford it" - cuz he called out this week and hasn't found a second job and the car payment is due..yada yada yada.

well, it's hurting me and I know he is crabby and suspect it's cuz of the finances - but NOT GONNA LET IT RUIN my weekend.

I will trust that we are doing the right thing. I will relax and enjoy the trip. I will let go of my anxiety and trust that it will all work out the right way.

this is a hard exercise for me - cuz the old me would say "nope, we can't afford it, not going" - even tho I deserve it and he wants to treat me - and that would hurt both of us - would hurt me cuz I am denying myself the chance to be treated special and hurt him cuz he wants to treat me well and I am tellign him he is failing to pay the bills.

each day is a new triumph...I look forward to the day where I don't have to actively "work" to put these thoughts away - where they don't even come up.

but in the meantime, I will enjoy the fact that I am not letting them drag me totally under.

September 9, 2005
11:23 am
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gayle
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Good Job! Happy Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful birthday weekend! You deserve it! Each day is a gift and it does and will get better! That day will come and you are getting closer to it all of the time! Have a fun and relaxing weekend! 🙂

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