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Still dreaming, fantasizing, missing ex... after how long? Can you top this?
July 3, 2007
4:44 am
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Worried_Dad
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It can be really hard to fall out of love.

July 3, 2007
9:39 pm
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Awwww, (((Ella)))

Visit me anytime at the thread "Suspicious but looking forward to the next day of my life"

hugs and hugs

July 3, 2007
9:44 pm
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WD-

This is true. I guess pretty much when we start these relationships they don't start off abusive, and things happen so gradually and our lives and emotions are so enmeshed it's not simple to get out.

That's why I mean we shouldn't think in terms of "fault" but seeds... what led us there... REASONS I guess.

-ella

July 3, 2007
9:52 pm
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Antagonist-

Yours was the last post I read last night and I was thinking about it today at work. What I was thinking was about how first of all, you cannot change the past... but if you could try, would it work in the same circumstances with the same person? I'm not sure I think it would. If you've ever broken up with your significant other and gotten back together more than once you know what I mean.

In the past when thinking about my ex I used to feel horribly guilty as well. Just like you do and sometimes I still do. I look at my end of it (because that's the only part I could control) and I say "If I never lost my temper and always been as sweet as the day we met, if I let him back in the house the nights he went out for drugs, if I just even IGNORED his drug problem- would things have gotten better between us?" The answer, I'm pretty sure, is no.

This is not to say that there aren't better choices to make in bad relationships, there are. But usually the best one for use ends up to be getting out. It's just the hardest one to make.

-ella

July 3, 2007
9:56 pm
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hi sininho... be looking for you.

July 4, 2007
2:07 am
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~mzrella,

I know what you mean, I always try to remember different situations/fights with my ex and try to fool myself by telling myself maybe things would have been different if I acted differently. The truth is that the outcome would have been the same. I made stupid decisions, I made silly mistakes, I am not prince charming with no flaws but my mistakes were nothing drastic to make me deserve what I got.

Funny thing is that today is exactly one year from the night that I caught her with my best friend. I remember that night like it was yesterday. What makes me sick is that she most likely does not remember a thing and if someone asked her "hey what happened last year tonight" she would not remember, and yet I kept replaying everything in my head throughout the day. She is the one who should feel guilty and yet I am the one who is bringing all this to myself. I don't understand how she can not feel guilty for what she did.

July 4, 2007
12:30 pm
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Antagonist-

We will never truly know what drives other people to do the things they do. I know I used to, and still do (unfortunately), spend a lot of time thinking about that in regards to my ex. It is especially puzzling when you contrast the negative things they did with the beautiful things they did. There are some things my ex did that were so loving, so sincere, that maybe those confuse me more than the things that hurt me because I think "How is a person capable of doing both?" I know it helped me when I stopped thinking of my ex as completely evil or something, but that was only possible after I was strong enough to stay away from him and keep reasons of self preservation in mind. It's hard when I am feeling weak.

I don't know that we will ever "figure out" our exes. But as we are working on ourselves, as these relationships become more distant, more part of history and less something that impacts us emotionally- we might be able to put it in perspective and see it more clearly, I don't know. It seems you are starting to do that too. I know that if that process hadn't begun, I would still be in the relationship. There are a lot of things that have clarified since I left my ex. But it took time for me and I'm still healing and working on it. It took a lot of facing things I didn't want to face, doing things I didn't want to do. I know you have had to do that too.

The truth is, you will never know if she feels guilty, and she might not. My ex felt bad about somethings. He did. But he was hurting himself more than he was hurting me, and that's what I try to look at now in the big picture. I know your story is different- and I do not know what led your ex to hook up with your friend. I do know that your friend lost someone because of it, and that maybe they both have problems that do not allow them to forsee consequences. Again, I'm not making excuses for them- I do not know them or your whole story- it just sounds like your ex was a troubled woman- with or without your relationship. In fact, with the franticness, she reminds me of me (without the cheeting part). She sounds very much scared that she is not in control of her situation (the relationship).

Sorry if I'm not making much sense here, you can tell me more of your story to get me on the right track if you wish.

-ella

July 4, 2007
1:30 pm
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Dear Ella,

Get the popcorn out and make yourself comfy, this is going to be one hell of a story. Maybe reading this will somehow help you out also. Sorry that you will have to waste your time reading it.

The story behind this chick goes back, approximately 4 years. I was interested in her way back when. I hung out with her, tried to run into her at school, I can tell I liked her so much from the beginning. Anyways, back then she invites me to an event to her house and later that night she calls me and tells me "she is not looking for a boyfriend and I have got the wrong idea"

Telling me that I ended up just not talking to her anymore. I felt like I was used and toyed with. I ended up going after another girl and ended up with a relationship with the other girl. This is where things get interesting. This girl (the one that cheated on me) waited for me until my relationship of 2 years ended with the other girl. Within the week of breaking up with the other girl she shows up and ends up wanting to "hang out" Then she tells me how she made a mistake and waited for all this long. Her parents told me how she would talk about me etc etc.

At first I thought this will just be a friendship and nothing more, but things took a huge turn and it became a full fledged relationship. But man did things change after a few months of knowing her. The amount of immaturity was just outrageous. But I was stupid enough to think "hey I know I act older than my age, she'll probably grow out of it" Boy was I wrong.

There were so many things childish that she did to me. For example, we were going to the movies, end up getting in a little argument over how I was taking my sweet time and we are late for the showing. I told her we can see another movie etc etc and she blew up. Asked me to take her back to my house so that she can leave (her car was there) I bring her home and she leaves without saying a bye and just drives away. I end up driving to her house but what you know, she is not home. She calls me and threatens that she just told her younger brother (3 years younger than me) to kick me off the porch and threatens me that he will shoot paint balls at my car (wtf, are you joking?). I tell the guy to go back in the house and try to talk to her on the phone, she tells me if I want to talk to her I have to go to a grocery store, by tampons and chocolate and show up at her friend's house...while I could hear her friends laughing at me in the background...

She got a kick out of making me mad. Multiple of times she said "I love when you are mad, you are so cute!". Not doing things I would ask her was always something I expected. Getting pissed off at me for various reasons was a daily thing. Apparently I always look pissed off or mad so I was at fault for making her upset because of looking pissed off.

She would burp like a mad man, her burps would be louder than a guy. I would ask her kindly "please don't burp around me, it grosses me out" (not forgetting the fact that it's not very lady like). It took sooooooooo much time for her to understand that, and the best I got was 50% cut down on it. She would still burp at her house, and if I said something, I would get the reply "It's my house I can do whatever I want".

I would get slapped for not asking her to leave and trying to stop her from leaving angry at me. She picked up the habit of coming to my house, getting mad at me, and leaving like a mad man. Slamming the doors and everything. I started trying to make her not leave if she gets mad, so we could talk about it and fix whatever was wrong but in retaliation I would get kicked, slapped and threatened. She would threatened to tell her dad that I hit her. Ya I now realize standing in her way and not letting her leave was a stupid stupid decision. I should have just let her leave.

It's depressing typing all these things out. I can name two different situations where she was giving me a ride and actually dropped me off in a parking lot. Just getting mad at me for some reason.

I swear, with all honesty, I am not a bad guy. I never did anything to hurt her to deserve all the shit. Now a days I try to keep things both sided. I try to think of the bad things I got and try to realize what I did wrong to trigger it. But it does not make sense, even when I did not do anything bad I still go treated like shit.

She does not and wont remember half of the shit she has done to me. Hell she would forget all the crap she did to me the month prior. I remember everything perfectly, like it was yesterday. It's sad knowing that she will never remember how she treated me like shit. 2 years of absolute crap. I regret all of it. Ya I know, I learned from it and got experience, but for what? the outcome was clear, I ended up in therapy, went on Prozac and for the first time after catching her sleeping with my best friend I started drinking.

July 4, 2007
1:59 pm
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Antagonist-

Don't think for one minute you are wasting anyone's time, especially mine- I don't know if you have seen the actual VOLUME of my posts on here lately. And I haven't been even talking about the stuff that I originally came back to the site to talk about! Maybe that's why all the history with my ex is on my mind, it is easier to fathom than the stuff with my family which is more upsetting. People here have been very kind- I've done my share of sharing!!!

Anyway, I just tell you that to let you know that talking about this stuff IS uncomfortable- and sometimes it sucks to do it. Maybe those are the things we need to talk about most though? The things that hurt to talk about? Writing it here might help you more than you know. Not so much because you will log on one day and find the answer to solve all your problems (although there are a lot of wise people here, with great advice) but because writing things makes you concious of things you didn't realize before. Also, it frees you. You might notice, you can vent here, and then- sometimes it doesn't infect the rest of your day as much. It's like purging it from your mind for a time- it's not a permenant fix- but getting things off your chest sometimes helps. Also, people here will tell you stuff that you wouldn't have seen yourself. That is important. I don't know how easy it would have been for me to break up with my ex without this site. I wasn't getting much out of al-anon. I felt their shares were too abstract (the groups that I attended). Here, I could relate more.

Since this relationship ended for you were you able to figure why you loved such an abusive person so much? What were the qualities that drew you to her? What kept you in the relationship when it was so destructive? These are the things we have to look at. I am still wondering, but getting a better idea as time goes on. What has been revealed to you, not about her, but about what inside yourself it was that made up the other 1/2 of that couple?

Unless you are a child and speaking of your parents, these are relationships that we choose willingly- but why? Maybe we are not well to begin with, and that is why our choices are not good ones. This has to be looked at in order for change to happen. But the positive thing is, that CHANGE CAN HAPPEN... as painstaking as it can be. If we can face the pain, if we can look at the truth only then can we see what led us into those places where we allowed some other person to abuse us for so long, and why it was so darn hard to get out. I believe it's possible not to repeat that. We will heal, and when we do, what could be more important than knowing how to avoid the same mistakes again?

Are you still drinking? This is difficult too, I know that makes things harder- you can talk about that on AAC as well- but need to get a lot of help on that one. It is important for your healing process to eliminate crutches such as alcohol or recreational drugs so that you have clarity.

July 4, 2007
2:03 pm
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this is an interesting thread, will read more when have i have more time. the questions on the thread title? ... if anyone figures it out let me know. i'm in the same boat, after almost 1 yr of being dumped by my xbf i miss him now so much. it hurts still. go figure.

July 4, 2007
2:16 pm
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PS, Antagonist, I don't know if any of this is helpful to you to read, but..

Something I forgot to mention, that is something I KNOW I am stuck on:

The issues that are preoccupying me with my ex relate to my family issues, which hurt more to think about. When I look at my ex, I realize that we were more a like than different. It is easier to look at him than me. But also, now that I don't have the same kind of anger towards him, I can look at him with a little more compassion- again not to excuse him- but to realize that he was not well and why he acted the way he did in our relationship. I say this is not as important as looking at oneself, but if it makes you understand YOURSELF better than it is not a waste of time. I see similarities in the way my ex was raised and the way I was, even though our families were completely different. This leads me to look more closely at my own family. It is very hard to look at parents that you still love and have loved your whole life and see things that they have done that are painful to look at. I know I sould like a child when I say things like "But I want to think of my father as a good person." Well, according to my therapist and some others- I have to look at the things that indicate that this isnt't 100% true. And that's hard. No, I don't want to be a victim, and I don't want to look at my father as being a bad guy. But sometimes you have to confront the truth in order to realize life is bigger than IT and then move on.

Sometimes now I realize why it felt so naturally for me and him to be together, dysfunctionality and all- because that is what we were used to!
Antagonist, does that sound like anything you can relate to?

July 4, 2007
2:23 pm
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~Ella,

I think the reason I kept sticking in that relationship was because I did not know anything else. I was in a 2 year relationship prior and was scared of being "alone" which is funny cause I used to be alone most of the time anyway.

I moved here from another country, I lost all my friends when I moved here. Moving to another country and not knowing the language is not an easy task. I had no friends for a good while. I guess just being scared of being alone again kept me going back to her. Not forgetting the fact that sometimes out of all the shit I got there were some kindness.

I'm not drinking anymore. I don't like drinking and it was not like I got addicted to it to the point where I could not stop myself. That night when I caught her I got plastered cause if I would not have done something to make myself pass out I would have killed someone. I almost got arrested for that shit. I will never forget, when they let me in the house, she was sitting on the couch calling me a "pussy". No one around me understands, all that left a deep scar in me.

I did so much for her, I went out of my way for her so much. From dropping off flowers at her house to surprise her. Showing up at work to cheer her up. Leaving romantic notes on her car when she was at school. I guess none of that meant jack.

Anyways, going back to your explanation, I learned a lot about myself in the past 4 months that I have not talked to her. When she started calling me just for sex, that was the end of it. Even after sleeping with my best friend, I tried to forgive her, being afraid of losing someone...a friend and yet she again started treating me like shit. Calling me names etc etc. Than she just started calling me for sex. I changed my cell number and never looked back. I can be friends with benefits with someone who has hurt me to that extent.

After all this I realized that I trust people too easily. Instead of giving them trust as time goes by, I give them full trust right off the bat. I am definitely co-dependent, I try to go out of my way for people to make them appreciate me more. I used to go so much out of my way for the ex hoping maybe she will realize that I am a wonderful boyfriend and not worth losing. I need to learn how to simply say "no".

July 4, 2007
3:19 pm
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You took steps already to rid yourself of this woman, when you could have just stayed with her and lived the same old patterns over and over again- you chose not to. You might feel hurt by her betrayal and/or even rejected- but don't think she wouldn't have tried to make you forget that she slept with your friend or anything else, in fact she might have turned it and "blamed" you for it. Sometimes dysfunctional people can blame others for everything that happens to them and everything THEY do. I had my ex blame me for his drug use more than once- curious since we didn't even know each other when that began. I don't want to say staying in such a relationship is easy, but it takes a lot more strength to get out of it, and you did that.

Is there a possibility that she was thinking "I'll show 'antagonist' that I can get his attention- I'll sleep with his friend." Sometimes this sort of dynamic between partners is an expression of the "hurting before someone hurts me" syndrome. I know someone like that- who actually stated "I think it's okay to cheat on men because they always cheat on us and I want to do this before he hurts me." To me, that is so awful and a sick perspective- that not only hurts the partner, but ther person doing it. Maybe your ex was like this, I don't know. But it is good you broke free from her.

If you were used to her kind of personality because of family or whatever, maybe it would be good to get counseling and really hammer out these issues? I think they can be life long if we do not face them.

"An unexamined life is not worth living"

and it is more difficult to endure, and certainly harder to appreciate, as well.

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