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Still dreaming, fantasizing, missing ex... after how long? Can you top this?
June 29, 2007
12:34 am
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hopeful-

Wow. I don't know what to say. I hope you are one of the couples that make it.

My ex probably won't come back now. I really made sure he got the message. It has been six months (he's come back after longer- but I was pretty serious about him not returning). It still makes me sad. To do what you know is best for yourself, and not feel better yet... well... I'm sure I do in a lot of ways... but I want more progress faster. I guess I'm not ready for a new man, but I feel ashamed I haven't gotten to that point yet. I feel like I wouldn't want my ex to know that I've been alone. I doubt he has. Isn't that the killer though? NO matter how much drugs he does, how much he mistreats those around him, he always finds people to take him in- to want his company. I was IN LOVE with this guy. Damn. I'm sure the people he hurt were like WTF? What's wrong with her? After so much drama even my drug dealer, who knew him said "So what's the deal with him? What's so great about him? Does he have a really big [email protected] or something?" I said "You know, I really don't know what it is. I just love him." How freakin' pathetic. If I had enemies, my worst enemy probably wouldn't have wished a relationship that damaging on me. Yet I still obsess over it. I need to get a grip.

-ella

June 29, 2007
12:37 am
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(That is six months since he last tried to get me to talk to him. I left him a year and a half ago. Spoke only once.)

July 1, 2007
4:51 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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This is happening to me again too. I have been in no contact since Jan.07 and moved to another town to get away from him. The first few months I though I would die for sure. Then it got better and the past week I have become obsessed again. I too felt that connection with the souls... Kinda creepy because I now feel he was trying to kill my soul and spirit. I cannot forget him and it is stupid to not. I was in love with this illusion. Because I could see his struggle of good versus bad and how tormented he was. He was a raging Nacissist and maybe other disorders. I thought my love would save him..Give me a break people ! I still think I can ! Maybe tomorrow I will switch back to a normal rational person. I hope. I was getting kinda worried until I noticed this thread and it has helped some with these insane feeling. I am just venting here and at the same time hoping just confessing my disturbing thought will help my heart mend...Truly and for real, horsefly

July 1, 2007
6:00 pm
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horsefly-

Hindsight is 20/20. I know what you mean about the creepy soul killing thing, but you at least were able to get yourself some clarity and break free. Sometimes we get so enmeshed in that dance with our sick selves and our sick partners that we move further and further from a way out. It is not that it is "stupid" not to forget him, you can't help it, but you can do what ever you can to gain coping skills. Many HEALTHY people do not forget loves from their past, but they move on- as we will some day do as well. These relationships were a big deal once. It would be weird if we got selective amnesia. (You know that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" with Jim Carrey..interesting). Plus, if you forgot about this relationship and how much recovering time it is taking, it would be easy to repeat the same mistakes, right?

Actually, when I started this thread a short time ago I was feeling much worse. Obviously, I still have the same issues, but venting them here lightens the burden in a way. I don't carry it the same way as before I could share with others. For a long time on AAC after I started no contact and was successful maintaining it... I was doing okay. But sometimes I get sad over my ex and am afraid to share about it even here. I get ashamed. But I realizze that it is unfair, or even dishonest, not to present myself in a truthful manner on this topic. How can I share with others about their struggles in the future if I never truly was honest about where I am now? But more importantly, am I really dealing with it if I am so ashamed of my own thoughts?

NA says, "You are as sick as your secrets." Maybe this is what they mean? Can anyone shed further enlightenment on that phrase?

-ella

July 1, 2007
6:58 pm
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Ella~

When I read the title...I laughed coz I related to that so quickly. Aren't we all in the same boat.

I was dating an unhealthy man about 3/4 years ago and beleive it or not when I came here it was about Xmas 2003 I posted a thread about him and was SO obsessed about him. Since he lives in my area, I even find it hard - even tho I maintained no contact with her ever since - I just find it so hard not to think about him. I know that he's drenched in depression, unemployment, living off a very codep gf filled with low self-esteem who takes care of him.

The more we voice our pains and connect with others, the more we heal and forget them even if lil by lil.

Hang in there, every day, things get better!!!

July 1, 2007
8:05 pm
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Ella-Don't feel stupid or weak. I'm right there with you. I've been thinking about my ex all the time lately. It's driving me crazy. I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe I'm feeling like I'm really moving on with my life and leaving my old drug life behind now that I'm coming up on a year clean on the 4th of July? Maybe I'm grieving the loss of my past which included my ex and it was very depressing and horrid at time but it was comfortable because it was what I had come to know unfortunately. I know that if we were to get back together things would be crazy and crappy within a very short amount of time. He would get on my nerves and I would get all resentful and revert to being verbally abusive which is what I do when I'm resentful and repulsed. When I'm mad for disrespecting myself and being with someone I cannot respect.

My ex used to pull tricks and so did I. I worked as a stripper, in porn, in massage parlors, escort services, and then when I hit bottom I couldn't hold a job at any of those places and ended up walking the streets. He would wait in the car while I walked the streets to make the money for the dope in the end. We had this weird bond though. We would finish eachothers sentences, we would be thinking the same thing at the same time. One time this trick was getting weird and tried to grab me by the throat and my ex comes pulling up and I jumped out of the car and made a mad dash for my car with my ex in it. I told my ex what happened and he said that's why he drove to the spot where I turned tricks because he had a bad vibe. He had never done that before and I never had a bad incident before that. Weird stuff like that.

It's hard because we have a son together. We never thought we would have kids. I didn't want children but when I got pregnant with my son I couldn't do the abortion. I made several appointments but I couldn't do it. My life has totally changed and I really love my son. So does my ex but his drug problem comes first right now. It's like I don't want to be with him but I don't want him to be with anyone else either??? Or I do want to be with him but not really because I get angry with him for being all messed up? I don't know. I know that I've set up so many things in my life so I cannot back slide and I'm thankful for that. When I feel weak I share on here and in my support group and I end up feeling better. I was doing well for awhile but just lately I've been feeling all obsessed with the illusion once again. I hate codependency!
AQueen

July 1, 2007
8:43 pm
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Hi mzrella

I have to tell you that my breakup was the same month and year as yours. I can't believe the heartache I went through. I am OK now. The no contact gave me space and perspective, but yes I still miss him, and I still have the occasional dream. We also live in the same neighborhood so I have run into him here and there and I literally run into my house to avoid him. I do miss what I thought was my "best friend", but he really was very self-serving and not as kind as he should have been.

Have you got rid of all the momentos? I am a saver - yet I tossed every picture, every card, everything that had to do with him, and that helped. I would recommend it if you are ready.

I'm not sure your sister is right. I think I will always have a little place in my heart for this man I loved who lost his son, and the terrible times afterwards that only he and I know about. I have not dated at all, I don't trust my own judgement in men. One reason is when I look back, there were such glaring problems that I excused too readily. Can you see that? Lies, even "little white ones" where there was no need, (let alone the big ones), substance abuse, did that play a part? Cheating? Manipulation? Try to think of these things, in perspective, not overdoing it nor underemphasizing it, just "as it was". Then try to file it away as a gift you were given, a chance to grow and feel heartache so you can feel happiness again. That sounds corny as I write it, but one thing I have realized is thst I had to let go of resentment, the last tie that binds, it is a pure waste of time, and it does keep you stuck in a bad place. Are you resentful? I sure was. "The best years of my life" and all that. I don't feel that way now, the best is yet to come, and I would like to have a companion, too, but not a loser, drunk, mooch like I had. (Just stating the facts, not bitter).

Good luck, you are not alone.

SO

July 1, 2007
9:03 pm
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Rasputin-

Yeah, I guess most of us here have at least been there, or are there now as far as missing the person we shouldn't be with. I guess my problem has been being in a lot of denial as far as how much that is haunting me, and not talking about it. I was ashamed. Especially since I have had no contact it seems so long, I felt like I should be figuring this out or something to the degree where I can make it go away. Funny, I would NEVER expect or advise someone else that way- but I place these demands on myself like I am some sort of theraputic slacker. I mean, what more can I do? My sister's advice about dating is the only one that is something I am NOT doing and I do not agree with it at all. I don't want to date strangers just for the sake of distraction. The best thing that could happen is that I DO meet someone I like, but if things progress and I'm not ready- what am I gonna say? "Oh, I really like you and things have been great for these few months but I'm still not over my ex? Hope you don't mind that I still have intensely sexual dreams about him and think about him when I go to 80% of the restaurants we eat in." I want this guy to be history before I move on to another. I want to know I won't fall for the same type. I guess the "jerk" thread is pretty helpful... no unemployed drug addicts slims the possibility of that happening...

I agree about sharing with others, thank you for writing.

love,
ella

July 1, 2007
9:32 pm
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AQueen-

We have some unfortunate things in common. My ex turned tricks as well. I was always a self medicator during depression with drugs, but just in the throws of a budding heroin addiction which took me under pretty fast. I was lucky to get into recovery after only six months. At the point I started recovery, I was looking for ways to make money. My ex was adamant about me not doing sex work, but I wanted to at least do peripheral stuff because I knew the money was big. I was asking girls that were in it about phone jobs, or working for escort agencies as a receptionist, clubs, etc... A friend of mine told me I could definitely strip, but oddly enough the thing that held me back from trying was that I didn't think I was a good enough dancer!!! My friend said "you don't have to know how to dance." My previous bf (not the ex I am speaking of) said to me "You know, I wouldn't do that if I were you. There are plenty of girls in this city better looking than you that are willing to take their clothes off for money." Sounds cold (it was), like an asshole thing to say (it was) but his point was taken. It's a good thing- I might have made money, but I also would have regretted it and felt ashamed in the future. Addicts get desperate though. My sober self is not exactly in love with her body so I'm glad I didn't get a chance to have this to look back on.

My ex had tricks that he would continue to see when we were together. He was ashamed of it, even cried when he came home once, but he made money and in his mind it was better than taking a risk of getting arrested for shoplifting. Funny how disease doesn't come into question when you are an addict? Things were so sick that he would go to this S & M guy who would pay him just to beat him and humiliate him. I started to worry about him, but also in a sick way I was jealous that he could make money so "easily." I asked if the guy was bisexual if he wanted a girl there. My ex said he was just into guys. I always wonder if part of his problem was that he questioned his sexuality, or if he turned tricks solely for the money. He would say that they "gave good h__D" and this would infuriate me.

Anyway, I really was weird about stealing. I had big issues with it. I couldn't do it. I would stand there (which is bad enough) and watch out for my ex while he did it, but I couldn't do it for myself. I just burned through all the savings I ever had. Then I started to think, well... how awful would it be to turn a few tricks? Maybe I could barter for drugs? I liked my connect. Maybe we could work something out. But you know how many girls were hanging out with him doing the same thing? He was my age and not bad looking. Did I really think that if I started hooking that those would be the men I'd end up with? Geeze, you just don't think when you are in that awful place. Drugs seem to make everything palatable.

I don't even remember what made me go to my first NA meeting of that year. I was horrified with myself though. I'm just glad I did. For all I know it was the free cookies. My ex went with me. I ended up clean, he didn't.

How did I put up with this? Why did I love this man? Why would I look back on that relationship with anything other than disgust? It made sense that we would love each other then. I was at the lowest point in my life. Now? I think I just miss some feelings with out considering the facts that surrounded them.

I know what you mean about "setting things up so you can't backslide." I have done that as well. I would never be able to recover if I went back to where I was. I'm not getting any younger and I feel like I was given a second chance and that is rare. I could never gain back the life I have now if I started to get high again and/or hook up with my ex. With codependency and drugs I had jail (and that was sober), and hospitals, it could be death next time.

be well,
ella

July 1, 2007
9:48 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Ella, I have seen the movie Sunshine ,with Jim Carey. I get it. My life has kinda more been like "Vanilla Sky "with Tom Cruise. Because I spent nearly 10 years with my ex and the denial was so deep and I am still relieving the whole thing over and over. Sometimes I don't know what was real with him or wasn't. I think you mention something about never getting out of the sick relationship. I had just mentioned this today with a friend here that I am lucky to have gotten out at all. We had such a deep molded pattern. Years and years together. Probably would still be there if I hadn't have found this site. I had done the reading but had no one to talk to about what was going on. I realize it will take time but I can be honest here because I have no one else that understands this as I do with the people here. I when through atleast 4 months of just plain horror of breaking up with him and realizing the dangerous game I was in with him. He is a scary person who had me in his web and knew it. That is why it bothers me that I get obessed with him out of nowhere when he isn't worth it. I have not one thought of finding a new relationship right now. I am disgusted, plus I not only have baggage , I have boxes and crates of issues this last relationship has left me. I feel like I was tangled up like a pretzel until I was a tie in a knot. Now I am unwrapping myself. Let's just see what is left. I am just so glad not to be alone going through this and there are others here that have been through the same as I. I couldn't even believe that at first. I feel lucky to not to still involved with him but it is still very sad. horsefly

July 2, 2007
1:21 pm
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Mzella-I was a stripper before I got addicted to heroin and all that. I started using heroin in 1999 and stopped in 2006. Methadone is what works for me. My ex used to say the same thing about the tricks giving good head. I still wonder if he was bi. You ex was right about guys that see guys not wanting a girl there. It's very rare for a trick to want a guy and girl. I never traded sexual favors for dope because that's not a good thing to do because the dealer will lose respect for you and end up getting over on you in the end. Plus you don't get what you're worth. A dealer isn't going to give you $300 dollars worth of dope for sex but a trick will if you work for a good service of have good clients you met on your own through the strip club. I always made my money and then bought my dope because it worked out better. My dealer respected me so whenever I was low on funds he would front me stuff because he knew I would pay him back and stuff.

When I was at my bottom I was walking the streets doing bj's for $70, handjobs for $40, and sex for at least $100. That was really low balling for me because when I had it together I didn't have to see very many people each week because I charged a lot. Sorry if my being graphic offends anyone. Anyways when I hit bottom I hit bottom for real. Life was bleak. I lost my aparmtent, something that had never happened before. I couldn't hold a job. I looked like crap. I had to take the bus. I fought all the time with my ex. There was never enough dope. Life sucked. My life is sooooooooo different today. I'm actually happy. I'm not super duper depressed all the time. I live in a nice place. I have a child and I'm now a mother. My life revolves around my son instead of revolving around my ex and drugs. Sometimes I think I miss something about my old life but when I ask myself if I miss dope the answer is no. Do I miss having to walk the streets, no. Do I miss associating with crappy people, no. So what do I miss? I think I'm still getting used to my new life and I still grieve over the loss of my old life sometimes. I was thinking about my ex again this morning and it was driving me crazy. Hopefully those thoughts will pass. I'm going to reach out even more and attend more meetings. I'm doing well in my recovery from codependency by attending counseling and support groups but I need to bump up the support in the drug addiction area. I need to be a bit more proactive when I'm going through a tough time in order to avoid relapse. Thanks for being there.
AQueen

July 2, 2007
6:08 pm
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AQueen-

Sadly, I wasn't thinking that clearly back then. There was no economic strategy. I was naive and desperate. These days I can't even believe I entertained those ideas and I realize how unrealistic I was. My life sucked too... I'm depressed now, but I guess it does put things in perspective to think where I could be if I didn't get better. I am 38. A 38 year old woman on heroin is not going to survive for long. I wasn't exactly a kid then either, just not experienced or hit by reality.

The drugs to me are a different story than the people. The drugs are the only thing I've ever encountered in my life that even temporarily obliterated my feelings. Even the good ones. And look what a price it took for that.

I don't miss associating and socializing with CRAPPY people either, but I miss socializing. I did it before then, but for some reason since then I have had a hard time. A lot of it is trust issues, relocating and starting over, work hours, but most of all... I just need more time. I always had a group of close good friends. It's hard to remember how those friendships were formed, so I assume that means it happened slowly and naturally. For quality, I will wait. But yeah, I get impatient. Sometimes I see the bar across the street teaming with people having "fun" and I think- I wish I had a place to go and a bunch of friends to hang out with again. Then I realize- I'm looking at a damn BAR!!! Much of what I am seeing is an illusion, even if it's not and those people are living a true to life beer commercial- that's not for me. I will find a niche... in a way, the discomfort of not having one is what keeps one searching. So it's a good thing not to get too complacent from where I am or I'd never leave the house.

Today I went to school. I am taking a language and it is FUN. Everytime I go it's like being on vacation because the class is hours long, we are not allowed to speak English and this building is gorgeous. I love it. I NEVER would have done that if I stayed with my ex. I would have ended up staying home with him and watching him sulk because he ran out of ciggarettes or something stupid. But how I forget these things! I want to write down all these awful memories of stories he would tell me, things that happened like when he got arrested, when I got arrested (more importantly) because I was stupid enough to fight with him when he was on crack, oh god.

But it sucks to think about those things doesn't it? So I guess that's what happens. We think about the good feelings, and that's how the mind works you know. I had major surgery on my spine. At first I thought I could remember the pain. You would be surprised how fast the brain shuts those memories out. THANK GOD! In this case, we at least need to know what we dealt with so history doesn't repeat itself with our invitation. Am I far off on that?
I am learning why this guy was so important to me, I need to learn why even now with all that's been revealed haven't I come further? Just tapping my foot, crossing my arms going "Ella, stop it!!!" isn't getting me anywhere... but I have to "Let go, and let god" to a degree and have faith that in time this will be a memory. Just like my surgery, a memory that might be part of me, but can't hurt me.

AQueen, are all your friends and acquaintances clean now besides your ex? It goes without saying that helps on the drug addiction front to cut people out, even though it's lonely. I didn't realize that until I left my ex. He was my last reservation, if that makes any sense.

be well,
hugs- ella

love,
ella

July 2, 2007
6:17 pm
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hi horsefly-

Oh I LOVE that movie Vanilla Sky. There is a version of that movie, which I think came out first, that is in Spanish. Penelope Cruz is in it but most the cast is different.

I know what you mean by not knowing what is real and what is not. I felt like that a lot, and worse when I look back on things. Missing a twisted relationship is a strange mind trip. I don't know why I still have any feelings of attachment (if that's what they are) at all because when I reflect I think "Well, he NEVER loved me, EVERYTHING good was a lie or a con, EVERYTHING was wrong that I saw as good..." It seems not to have grey areas, when I know that it does. My therapist strongly disagrees with me. She thinks it IS complex, that the passion and love were there but his sickness swallowed it. She was there for it, thinks he did love me, but as a true addict... certainly not as much as the drug. I feel it's pointless presently for me to try to figure it out. If I think he didn't love me and that's what keeps me from being with another addict so be it. But if thinking that way is preventing me from ever trusting again, maybe this needs to be looked at, I don't know. I want to move forward and as said by others- sometimes I feel like I have- time goes by and I feel okay and then I am ruminating over this stuff again. Taking a break from "working on it" periodically might help, much to the disagreement of my therapist. Sometimes I think your brain just needs time to settle, digest what it learned, and heal. What do you think?

hugs,
ella

July 2, 2007
7:10 pm
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Ella ~ Can you not relocate? I'm planning to relocate tho I don't know how soon. I've been waiting for a lil less than 4 years.

I think the best way to forget those jerks is...to move out of the area where we're living right now since they livle in the same neighbourhood. What do you think?

July 2, 2007
7:50 pm
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Rasputin-

Maybe you can leave them behind but as the cliche goes "Wherever I go there I am." I need to get stronger. Work it through. I'm doing it. I think my main problem right now is that I am impatient and I do not know how to look at the progress I made and not just see it, but FEEL good about it.

My ex's whereabouts are unknown to me unless I allow him to speak to me, which I don't and I won't. Even though he did "drop by" in January- for all I know it was to tell me he was moving to Florida. Again. He'll always come back here so long as he is on drugs though. But he may be done trying to contact me. I feel I have to reclaim my territory in a sense. I felt that if I changed my number, he would come to my job. By not answering his calls, by not coming to the door, I think I sent a clearer message which said "I'm here. This is where I LIVE. YOU ARE NO LONGER A PART OF THAT LIFE and are NOT WELCOME." I think he finally got it.

As much as I have the typical love/hate relationship with my city, I wanted to live here ever since I can remember. Visits here were the highlights of my childhood (we lived in the surrounding suburbs). I wouldn't leave this city to shake my ex. There are other ways. He's not going to hunt me down and beat me. I'm not in that kind of danger.

Memories will fade so that they aren't so potent and I will learn to identify each block of this city again with other things, and have them belong to A world that I live in, not the world I lived in when I was with him. Does that make sense?

Already a friend and I went downtown and ate at one of my favorite restaurants that I have been missing for years. And it was just delicious! My focus was on her company and our conversation, I was really present for the present. Do you know what I mean? I want more times like that. I look forward to them.

-ella

July 2, 2007
8:47 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Dear Ella, I understood everything you were saying.. I sorta think that he did love me the best he could. But it does not mean he did not use or abuse me. I all by myself let him. DENIAL is a scary thing. I do think it is a process too. Of course he but up a front to snag me, but after he got me the true colors start to show. We all know about that. I was isolated too. But I do agree I think it is fruitless to keep trying to figure it out. It is such strange relationship compared to the others I have had. But I still have to process it and heal , so it has only been 7 months and I am still shaking off the negative.I have watched alot , I mean alot of dvd's at the cabin. I could relate to Vanilla Sky the most. That has been the closest to the twilight zone I could ever have been in my life, was with him and leaving him. Take Care, horsefly

July 2, 2007
8:55 pm
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Yeah, we have to remember that we not only were willing, but that we LOVED these men at the time. I would do almost anything for mine so the healing process should involve a lot more of us concentrating on what was going on inside us to let that happen not what they were feeling. I disagree with my therapist on that I don't think she shoud assume anything about where my ex's motives where. Gosh, I don't think sometimes he knew why he did things. It's unhealthy to entertain it and she shouldn't encourage that kind of thing, as sick as those memories are- putting any kind of romantic light on them is not a good idea.

DVD's are the anti-drug are they not!!! A friend of mine in recovery told me that and I thought it was hysterical until I started watching a lot of movies and realized it helps. Even just to lose yourself a little. It's a mini vacation. Watch some that have NOTHING to do with your situation and you will feel better from it. I have some of those that tell my story a little too closely, but I haven't seen them in a long time. There's a reason for it!

hugs,
ella

July 2, 2007
9:02 pm
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Can I top this?

Its been 8 years, Im not remarried and Im just getting over severe depression!

Sorry for b*tting in without reading the thread. I didnt know we were here too, Ella! I´ll try read the posts, but anyway, I suppose you can see I wouldnt contribute much!

hugs,

July 2, 2007
9:16 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Ella, My Mother tried to defend my ex. last week. She said, well he was a good friend at times. I freaked out. Because I cannot look at any of it in a romantic or nice way , or I could never have left him and stayed away. The only thing I know for a fact in all of this is he was just not good for me at all ! horsefly

July 2, 2007
11:00 pm
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September 27, 2010
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MzElla-I'm 28. Anyways my ex called today wanting to see his son tomarrow morning as usual. We've agree to meet up once a week, Tuesdays being the best for me right now. So I'm taking the baby to see him at 9am. Get it over with nice and early. He claims he going to inpatient within the next couple of weeks, he's on the wait list waiting for an opening. Thats' great for him but doesn't change anything as far as us as couple go. I'm not getting back together with him. I can't. I have a no contact order and I be in the same room for one hour a week for visitation with our son but if I were to hang out with him and we got pulled over I could get into trouble for violating the order because the cops think you wasted their time filing a no contact only to break it. I'm happy I set this up so I can't relapse. Funny thing is once I talk to him I remember the crap and I'm not thinking so fondly of him today. It's like when we don't talk to them or have contact we tend to build these people up by only remembering the good times. Just like you said, we forget all the bad times. They become perfect in our memory sometimes. When I talk to him I remember what a pain my ass he was and I get a better grip on reality. It's hard having a child with someone like this. I have boundaries. If he whines, I leave. If he askes me to do things for him, I leave. He can visit with the baby but not use the visit to harass me. I'm feeling better today. When it's PMS time I tend to obsess a bit more, weird? That's passed. I see my counselor tomarrow so that's good.
AQueen

July 2, 2007
11:25 pm
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sininho-

Butting in? This thread is a bit much to read from the start if you just got here. I usually read the first post of such threads and skim. So don't think that way. I don't consider you or anyone else posting butting in!!!" Silly you.

What I meant by 'can you top that' is in how dumb am I? But that wasn't a fair thing to say about myself in those words and I'm glad some people are helping me get perspective.

I've never been married. I guess we women are often brain washed into thinking that should be our natural state. Truth is, as much as we think we might want to be married- our lives are valuable to others and can be full and enjoyed by ourselves even when we are (gulp) single. Why is single the new "s" word?

sininho, even when you just say hello that makes me feel good. You have always been sweet to me when I was down. I never forget that and I wish I could return the good feelings. Where is your most recent thread...

hugs,
ella

July 2, 2007
11:30 pm
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horsefly-

Ugh. What your mother said must have really felt like a twinge of betrayal or worse. My father said something similar when I wanted to breakup with someone once... I said "I think X is dealing drugs, and I know for a fact he's cheating on me... I want to break up with him..." My father said "Are you SURE??? He does so much for you, and it's not like he BEATS you or anything.." Well, up to that point he hadn't. Can you believe that? No wonder some of us grow up with a low sense of self worth. This stuff has to be flushed out in whatever healthy way possible. I can't blame my parents for being clueless, or for my bad relationship. But I sure do wish that they wished I had better.

July 2, 2007
11:49 pm
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AQueen-

You are so young! I know you must be feeling older than your age after all that history, but you got clean while you were still young and that is huge.

Good for you on setting up the boundaries. If the no contact legal thing helps you distance yourself, hey, there's nothing wrong with keeping that in mind.

I can't even pretend to know what it would be like to have a child at all, much less share one with an ex. It seems like such a big challenge. One thing about not forgetting the good times that when you are stronger and feeling maybe you can share them with your son if he asked how you met, why you loved each other, etc. Some kids never ask. Some do they want to know where they come from. It must be hard but like I said, I have no idea. You know what's weird though, I am around kids so much that I often think "We could have had a kid over 5 years old by now. What kind of conversations would I have with that kid about his dad?" So I have thought about it, but never could figure it out. I'm having enough trouble raising myself, so I have to give you a LOT of credit AQueen. Did you start your recovery because you got pregnant?

I can never have kids now, so forgive me if I sound nosey.

-ella

July 3, 2007
12:20 am
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I've been reading and keeping up with this thread. Trying to learn and expand from other people's experience.

It's been almost 4 months that I stopped speaking to my ex-girlfriend. Recently I've started to manipulate myself. I've started to actually think that all the outcomes and abuse I got from the relationship was my fault and I somehow deserved it. Anyone ever feel that way?

I keep remembering all the abuse I got, I even got abused physically by her. I was slapped numerous times and a few times she attempted to kick me below the waist. Getting threated that she would tell her dad that I hit her when I did not lay a finger on her. Kicking me out of her house and when I would actually walk toward the door, grabbing my hand and trying to make me stay. Humiliating me in front of her parents by yelling and cursing at me. She actually yelled at me at her graduation and told me to leave when I asked my work to leave early to just make it to her graduation.

I used to fantasize and miss the ex, now I have gotten to a point where I think I deserved all of it. Deserved getting abused and she had all the rights in the world to sleep with my best friend.

Tomorrow will be exactly 1 year from that dreadful night...and I am still not over it!

July 3, 2007
12:46 am
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Antagonist-

I know you feel like you "deserved" the abuse or the outcomes, and I'm familiar with that... but it's more like we just have to recognize why we found ourselves in these relationships that truly were of our choosing. When does it become okay for two people to hit eachother? I don't know. I've been there. Is it completely your fault? No. Is some of it, yes. Don't take responsibility for things that other people do, it clouds the issue and prevents you from seeing your part in it clearly enough. You are right to think it's time to look at your end of it, but wrong to think that you deserve abuse. No one deserves physical abuse. I've been involved in some crazy scenes too. It seems to surreal when you look back on it. You really have to just look at the seeds of what led up to it if you can. Why was staying there better than getting out at that time?

Just somethings I toss around too.
Will talk tomorrow.
goodnight,
ella

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