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Still dreaming, fantasizing, missing ex... after how long? Can you top this?
June 26, 2007
1:00 am
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Okay, I am regressing... and there has been NO CONTACT since January 2006. Isn't that a year and 1/2? What is wrong with me?

Today I cam home from class and fell asleep, I had the most intense dream about my ex and when I woke up I felt like we had just seen each other. I was devastated when I got my bearings. You know that part when the grogginess fades and you think- I only feel good because I had that dream? Now I am really down.

I know reality with him was more like a nightmare than a fantasy, but I don't know why I can't move on and let go. I miss him. It's making me so ashamed. I hate myself for it.

Yes, I am lonely, but I am not interested in dating other people. The last person I was attracted to, and had fun with, turned out to be in his early twenties and kind of a jerk (duh, go figure). I'm not interested in hooking up with men who are jerks, (even if they are my age) no matter how attractive and fun they are. I feel like I have been burned so bad. Plus, how fair would that be to a new guy if I am still thinking about my ex?

I am too vulnerable to casually date, yet I would like male companionship. I am too wounded to have a new relationship, yet my sister insists that is what I need to get over the last one. I think she is wrong, but what WOULD make the attachment and pain go away if this much time hasn't?

It sucks that something that felt like the love of my life turned out to be such a sick relationship. There were a lot of problems, but being with him was one of the only times in life when I didn't feel empty, when I felt beautiful, when I felt like I loved someone that much.

I hate this. I thought I'd be SO OVER this by now. I'm sure he is.

-ella

June 26, 2007
1:07 am
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kenyatta
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I know exactly how you feel. The only difference is that I am married. I feel the same way about my ex. I miss him also.
I am trying to move on and forget about him.

June 26, 2007
1:17 am
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~mzrella,

I know you probably hear this often, but I trully know how you feel. I broke off ALL contact with my ex-girlfriend in March. I went to the extent of changing my cellphone number to make sure she cannot contact me. It was getting to the point that her contacting me and just wanting to have sex was driving me to the point of insanity. I felt like there is no other way out of it than just cutting her off completely.

I know that it's only been roughly 3 months that I have talked to her and that is no where as close to your one year and half. But I trully do understand what you are going through. I dated girls after her trying to move on but it did nothing. It gave me the instant gratificationg but in the long run it only made me think about my ex-girlfriend. I have some nights where I dream about my ex-girlfriend that when I wake up and turn around I expect her to be laying next to me... only to realize that she is not there and will never be there.

People expect me to be already over her, but I just don't understand how my friends/family cannot understand what I went through. Finding your girlfriend while having sex with your bestfriend is not an image that can be earased/blocked out of your memory simply. It's been one year since that happened and I still remember it like yesterday. My relationship with her was definitely a nightmare just like yours and yet I cannot think of the bad things and make myself stop thinking of her... when she was with me I felt complete.

Anyways, good luck and stay strong. I wish I knew a way to help you but I'm stuck in the same situation as you are. All I can say is that you are not alone in this.

June 26, 2007
1:21 am
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Kenyatta-

Do you mean you are married to your ex, as in separated? Or are you talking of a previous lover? If it is the latter, than in a sense by marrying someone else, you have moved on. I think to some degree there is always a place in our heart for our past loves. But when the feelings paralyze you... that's the problem.

-ella

June 26, 2007
1:29 am
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Antagonist-

"But I trully do understand what you are going through. I dated girls after her trying to move on but it did nothing. It gave me the instant gratificationg but in the long run it only made me think about my ex-girlfriend. I have some nights where I dream about my ex-girlfriend that when I wake up and turn around I expect her to be laying next to me... only to realize that she is not there and will never be there." EXACTLY. No gorgeous, charming twenty-something guy can truly make up for the loss of my ex. Sick as he was, he did have qualities that I fell hard for, and I loved him.

I'm sorry for what happened with your ex girlfriend and your best friend. I hope you have better friends than that now. That is a double loss.

-ella

June 26, 2007
1:30 am
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fantas
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(((Ella))) Hang in there. It's not unusual to dream about the good old times or to think about a soul connection that you had. It totally makes sense. Here is how I explainit to myself...our souls are pure and untainted by any of the dramas that we have gone through, therefore, they connect with their perfect soulmates when they cross paths which in my opinion is those rare intense, spirit, body and soul connection we sometimes experience. Now, the shell that houses the soul, namely the body and mind is greatly influenced by our growing and living experiences and since we are rarely taught how to honour our soul, we live lives that are guided by the lesson we have learned and acquired. Therefore, when our souls connect, that is real and authentic, whether or not we are able to hold on to and nurture that love is determined by what we have learned. I think this is the case with you ex. Your souls are perfect for each other but your lived experiences will not allow you to stay connected in the physical sense, but your souls will keep calling to each other, hence the perfect dreams and thoughts. In time we learn to ignore it or discount it until it fades away in our memory. Many years later you still may dream and think about each other. So please do not feel bad because your souls remembers and longs for the connection you had. I think it's sad that life and circumstances are such that you may never be able to reconnect in this physical world. Hang in there...be strong and cry a little 🙂

June 26, 2007
1:43 am
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fantas-

"Love is touching souls." - Joni Mitchell

That was a beautiful post fantas. Very philosophical and wise. These bittersweet things in life are what make it both painful and beautiful I guess.

thank you,
ella

June 26, 2007
8:27 am
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I know how you feel. I have not seen my ex since August 2005. We have traded a couple of emails, just a few short brief ones. However, I think of him everyday. I have tried to date myself, only to end up with jerks. I still think of him but know that it was for the best. Like the post above, this was bittersweet for me as it is for you. Only time will let the longing feeling fade. I often feel that the only way to get over a guy that you feel so strongly about is to find a new love, that replaces it. I don't mean this in an unhealthy way as if you have to have someone. I have been working on myself for the past several years and have come to some peace but honestly having a nice relationship would be nice, someone to share life with and to me that is a need, a need that is healthy. I have been on the site for awhile, those that "find that special one" are the ones that have made it through the dark period. Very few of them end up single and alone. Being alone is hard. But it is not always bad either. It has it really good points as well, bittersweet you might say. If you are like me, and you feel strongly aoubt this man the way I do, I know in my heart it is not going to be easy with the dreams and fantasys. You ask how long; however long it takes. I know for me it will take longer than the 2 years in recovering over this. It may take longer but it will happen. And it will happen for you. Sorry about all the jerks you date. I have the same exact problem. Im tired of dating them. And even if I do find a decent guy to date, im gonna take my time. I see too many people rush into it and it ends ups being too complicated. If it isn't good, then I don't want it. Having some peace for yourself, even if you are single is better than being tortured emotionally in a relationship. You'll make it, but in time. Time is universal healer to all wounds.

June 26, 2007
9:07 am
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Mzrella:
How about focusing on the bad stuff, not romancing the good times. I think maybe grief counseling might help you. Do you want to waste your time letting him rent space in your head for another year and a half. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Pray for him, pray for the willingness to let go and allow yourself to get through the grieving process. I say with some counseling in 6 more months you will be ready to move on. Remember, a fantasy is always better than reality. Many of us tend to assign "magical" qualities to people we've loved. Can you relate?

June 26, 2007
10:12 am
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I'm having the same problem. I've been thinking of him daily, many times a day actually. I saw him last Tuesday. It was the first time he had visitation with our son since I kicked him out 3.20.07. It was hard. He tried to kiss me and talked about getting back together. I told him that's not possiable because he's on drugs and he hasn't done anything to change his life. He acted all helpless like usual saying he couldn't get clean without me. I've learned that his fiended helplessness is a form of manipulation so that I will take on his problems and fix them for him which is exactly what I used to do. I told him he needed to go to a 90 day inpatient treatment center and then go to a clean and sober housing for awhile. He says he wants to go but then started making excuses not to. Bottom line is his drugs are still more important to him and I don't want to be with him when he's the way he is right now. Even if he were to get clean things still wouldn't work because he has so many issues that need addressing like trust issues, lack of motivation issues, lack of accountablity issues, and much more. I miss him sometimes but I really think I'm longing for a person that he just isn't. I would get sick of his crap within a couple days if we were to get back together. I miss being a couple. I do miss the good times even though they were few and far between in the end. I miss the beginning of our relationship. I'm codependent so I miss having someone that needs me. I miss helping him but in reality that gets old so fast when he expects me to help him with everything. I miss having sex with him, our sex life was always pretty good. We have so much history together it's hard to let it all go. To admit it's really over forever. No more chances, no more make up's, nothing because it's over. That's just heart breaking! I wish he could be the man I want him to be. But then again if he suddenly became that man I might not know what to do with him because I'm so used to being the caretaker in our relationship. It's hard for me to stay strong and not get pulled back into his life sometimes but I've taken precautions like with my living situation. I moved to an apartment that is totally secure to he can't just get to my front door and harass me. I entered the address confidentiality program so he can't look up my address. I let my apartment manager know I have a restraining order againist him so if he ever shows up to call the police. He doesn't have a clue where I live because of these safety measures. So I couldn't let him come over even if I wanted to. I couldn't ever put him back on my insurance because I took him off and told them the reason I was doing so was because I split up with him and got a restraining order so there is no way I could put him back on. I attend a weekly support group and all the women there have left their man and I get so much support to stay strong. If I hadn't been attending the group all this time I probably would've caved in long ago. I attend counseling weekly, one counselor I see is specifically for dealing with my relationship issues. I've cut other dysfunctional people from my life because I'm trying to get rid of all the chaos in my life. I was addicted to chaos and I'm still getting used to having a totally calm life that is free from drama. It's lonely sometimes but I'll deal with it. I joined the YMCA so I can get into better physical shape and because exercise helps with depression and self esteem. So I'm being proactive in my recovery from a dysfunctional relationship but I still think of him. You're not alone! I feel time will help me heal because as time passes hopefully I'll continue to get stronger and I 'll get used to being on my own. It's frustrating thinking of someone I will never be with. For awhile I didn't miss him or think of him in a longing way but that all changed about a month ago. I don't know why exactly. This site helps me a lot too.
AQueen

June 26, 2007
10:48 am
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StronginHim77
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Withdrawing from a toxic relationship is like withdrawing from ANY addiction. We will have good days and bad ones, good weeks and bad weeks, happy moments and sad moments. Overcoming addictions is a PROCESS. It requires a goal (i.e., recovering so that a healthy relationship is possible in the future) and a firm, inner commitment that we will not be governed or driven by our FEELINGS, but by our conscious CHOICE to stay clear of the addiction.

In this case you are withdrawing from a toxic relationship with a man who was UNHEALTHY for you, mentally and emotionally. You may have become caught up in the adrenalin rushes of all the chaos that relationship generated, as was the case with AQueen.

Set your goal: your own personal recovery. Write out the boundaries: No Contact with this toxic ex and the reasons WHY he was toxic for you. Then, re-read that list of toxic behaviors and mistreatment on his part, every time you get hit in the heart with a longing for the "false self" which he projected to get you in the first place.

He is not that person. He is who his subsequent behaviors SHOWED he was, after he knew he had you.

You are grieving for the loss of an ILLUSION. The truth is that he was not a good person and it was not a healthy relationship, or you would still be together. Be thankful that you are free and can move on.

And keep posting here. Sometimes, involvement in the problems and pain of others, helps us to see our own situations more clearly and recover our inner focus.

- Ma Strong

June 26, 2007
7:31 pm
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AQueen, it has only still been a few months. It is hard sometimes. Just give it more time. It is not going to just take a few months. It is painful loss for you almost like the death of someone. it is not going to be easy but you will recover. It is journey and journeys are just that long, good and bad journeys, either way take time. Hang in there.

June 26, 2007
10:37 pm
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taj-

The problem is that I haven't dated. I FLIRTED but that was a totally unrealistic situation, and I never would have ended up being with that guy- he was young and immature- and he flirted with a lot of women. I just mention that because I know my libido is there, it gets kicked up, but I'm neglecting those needs. I did go on two dates with a guy in my building when my bf and I weren't seeing each other for a while. That guy turned out to be a mess. I just resent the whole selling yourself aspect of internet dating, or any dating, when in the past my relationships came from friendships and acquaintainces naturally. A few were just casual attractions, but most were guys I knew. I am so jealous that my sister just attracts so many men. I know she has a big slut streak in her, but that doesn't explain it. It's like a phenomena when she walks down the street and I've been living in her shadow forever. I really hate it. If you are that kind of person, you still meet a lot of jerks but numbers are on your side. A few of them will be decent and some will be gems. I am invisible.

I just want the ex back. Right now, I wouldn't sacrifice the progress I've made... but in a sick way I wish I never did do the "healthy" thing. I know that's stupid of me...

-ella

June 26, 2007
10:48 pm
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Obsessa-

"...a fantasy is always better than reality. Many of us tend to assign "magical" qualities to people we've loved. Can you relate?" YES.

I know you are so right. And also about focusing on the negative instead. In a way, it is done for me. I just picture what it would be like to have him back her, and I know all the things that would be different that I would have to subtract from my life- peace of mind for one.

Some of the things are trivial, things I take for granted, like material things. My computer that I got when we broke up, my iPod, my cell phone, all acquisitions I made after I left him. Not a coincidence. Not because I had more money. I didn't have a cent more than before. It was because I didn't have to worry about him stealing them from me to sell for drug money. When this happened, I was getting high too- so I "understood" and forgave him. Crazy huh? He hadn't done that sort of thing in years, but I hadn't given him much temptation either. I think I was living differently to be careful, and that this was unconcious.

Then I have to think about what else he does for money and I get ill.

Truthfully, I can no longer invite this man into my home for any reason whether I want to or not. Last time he tried to contact me, he came to the door of my building without calling in the MORNING. The security buzzed up, I told them no way did I want to see him. Gave them his picture so they could post it next to the menus of delivery services that are also BANNED from my building. I told them we are no longer to have contact but he will continue to try and didn't explain further. Last I checked, the picture was still posted and I haven't heard from him. I don't know if that' why. Of course, the perverse side of me that is missing him is feeling sad that I have to finally let go.

-ella

June 26, 2007
10:59 pm
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AQueen,

It must be hard when you have a child together because you can't cut have complete no contact. No contact makes it easier. You sound like you are summoning your strength and really working on this from the inside as well as making lifestyle changes.

Exercise is awesome, I wish I got home earlier from work. Tonight is my therapy night so I get home even later. You are right, it does help self esteem and mood.

I broke off with a lot of dysfunctional people as well. All that's left is my immediate family, and they are starting to get to me.

What you said about missing being in a couple, I know what you mean. I miss the silly things that are kind of mundane, like going food shopping or washing the dishes, watching tv together or making coffee. There is a big hole. But then again there is a lot less drama too.

At this point, I think my ex has been discouraged from keeping in touch. I also suspect that his last 1/2 dozen attempts had more to do with money or shelter than me. So I think he's not thinking much about me. Maybe he found a new doormat. I don't know. In my crazy way I am jealous. How's that for f*#$ up?

-ella

June 26, 2007
11:01 pm
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I so understand the longing, missing, dreaming, fantasizing about the ex.

In day 28 of NO CONTACT & what did I do? Called him today, cried like an idiot, begged to meet with him and apologized for throwing him out. How sick is that???

Totally an unhealthy relationship--has been for 7 yrs. Finally I get the courage to try to move on and I'm dying inside. The pain is overwhelming. I am so shocked at myself, so addicted. I am a strong woman in every other facet of my life, except this one.

What is wrong with me? He mistreated me with emotional abuse and now I'm begging for more? We are supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow night for 'one last time' as he says. I MUST call and cancel but am scared to death to do so--it's like getting a shot of coke. Gotta have him.........HELP.

I am grieving an ILLUSION too.

June 26, 2007
11:01 pm
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Ma Strong-

"You are grieving for the loss of an ILLUSION."

Right on.

Your entire post truly hits home. I think I need to print it out and read it over and over.

YOU ROCK.

-ella

June 26, 2007
11:18 pm
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clownface-

It is early yet, and those were 28 days well spent and healing hard earned. It might not seem like it, but each day you move forward- even if you have later set backs. Those are days you do not have that person in your face, where you mind has a chance to have a little clarification... it happens slowly. You can start again. Most of us go through that. I went through MANY set backs. I went months, and got back with my ex. But you know what? It wasn't the same, and I'm sure it gave me strength to get away ultimately.

As much as I feel the way I do and expressed the things I did above, I still am living so completely differently than I could have two years ago. I just didn't think I could live without that guy. I suffered so many indignities. It was poison for me, I went to jail, my own drug problem spiraled out of control, I overdosed, my family and friends cut me off, and for what? Should I do that again? At the time I thought it was worth it, I was INTOXICATED by that relationship for what ever reason that is- sex, manipulation, drugs, codependency... what have you... not easy to just shake free and wake up on your own. I needed time away. You are doing it... it's not magic. It's not smooth sailing.

The fact that when you call him back you are feeling that there is something wrong there, is probably new to you right? I'm guessing that you did a lot of thinking in this past month?

So don't beat yourself up too much, but get back to looking out for yourself. It's too hard to continue to do that if you are busy kicking yourself for the mistakes. You are trying, and that's what matters. Each time it happens, I must warn you- it hurts more, and you learn almost automatically that you will not want to hear from him. There gets to be a point where you say "What good could possibly come from this?" And you realize that in your wildest dreams, there is no scenario that you will not walk away with regret and more unhappy from than before. These are the things I know and am trying to remind myself of.

I don't know why sometimes the feelings are stronger than others, this is when I find myself on AAC until all hours. (sigh). Thank goodness we have eachother here. This site helps a lot, I promise you. Keep coming back.

hugs,
ella

June 27, 2007
2:15 am
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fantas ~ your post is amazing, and it explains exactly how I feel about it and how I think it is. A while ago I was wondering how on Earth we still have that connection, how come I still feel when he thinks about me and how I know when he does not... Our relationship wasn't toxic... I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't meet him. The sad part is that I just recently realized that I partially brought the pain I went through on myself, by not believing in us.... It's a long story... but not an illusion... I don't think anybody can judge who didn't go through something similar. We know each other, we always did... Thank you, fantas.

June 27, 2007
9:42 am
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Clownface -

If you don't feel strong enough to make the call, just DON'T SHOW UP. You don't need to explain yourself to him. And I do believe that the past 28 days of NC have helped you, enormously. We don't always make it on the first NC attempt...or even on the second, third or fourth. But, we DO get stronger each round. We do. It took me many attempts to finally achieve complete, total NC with the BPD fiance I had over a year ago. Sixteen months of "on again/off again." I do understand because I have survived it. This most recent candidate for the "Who's Going To Screw Up Ma Strong's Head Award" turned out to be a raging narcissist. I have now been over two months in NC. It hasn't been easy, but I have made it so far.

You can always resume NC. You know this guy is toxic. You also know that he has not -- cannot -- change. And you have tasted the possibilities of life without him for 28 whole days. You had a bad day, called him and got set back. That doesn't mean you have to swing the door wide open and walk back through it. Close the door and resume NC. You can do it. You CAN.

- Ma Strong

June 27, 2007
12:29 pm
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AQueen
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Ella-Your story is a lot like mine. I got sober and my ex didn't. He's homeless running the streets smoking crack. We were both cocaine and heroin addicts. I couldn't have nice things either because he would steal them all the time. Expensive purses to electronics he stole them all. He's currently in jail once again for failing to show up at his probation appointments. Someone mentioned being in love with an illusion and that's so true for me. I have to let it go. He thinks he can run the streets while I go to school and take care of our son and then when he decides to get clean we can be one happy family again. He's wrong. Even if he got clean I wouldn't want to be with him because we have too much history. I hate going through this pain but it's like would I rather feel the pain now and get it over with or have it drawn out for years by continuing to see him and have him let me down.
AQueen

June 27, 2007
10:53 pm
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My EX and I have been apart for 8 years. I still have thought of him every single day. I had to stay away because he was on drugs and couldn't get away from them, it was destorying everything and everyone.

However he is the love of my life, the one who touched my soul. The only man I ever wanted or needed. The only one whos arm's I ever wanted to be in. I thought it would be easier if he had died, I could not get over the fact that he was walking around on this earth and we could not be together and it was his fault, because he chose drugs. I did the no contact as well and I felt like a crack addict trying to make it through one day at a time without the drug. I even remarried, but no one in this world would or could ever take his place in my heart, mind or soul. This is bad to say but even remarrying was a way to stay away from him, plus if I couldn't have the one I loved what did it really matter. Not that I didn't love my new hubby, but it was nothing the same, no soul thing.

I will always regret what we lost and cherish what we had, and atleast know that I did at one time have that feeling of love. And who knows what the future holds.

June 28, 2007
11:35 pm
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AQueen-

I can identify with everything, except we didn't have children... which is surprising because I was very careless and never used condoms. (Nice. With an IV drug using "former" male prostitute, huh?).

I also left mine homeless. He was homeless before so I don't feel bad. For a while he had a place with a bunch of guys, but I broke up with him anyway because that was when he was sober and then he got high one day. It was the last straw. He came over not one or two hours late for our anniversary, but 10 hours late. (We were supposed to have a day trip starting with brunch). I just lost it and said goodbye. He wanted to "talk about it" (while he was completely wasted) and I said no way. I never let him inside my house again. We only spoke once after that so I could give him a message from his sister and honestly, that wasn't necessary. I wish I didn't bother.

WHY AM I NOT OVER THIS ASSHOLE?????

June 28, 2007
11:38 pm
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Hopeful for change-

What do you think it is that keeps us thinking of our exes from so long ago? Not how nice they were certainly.

I keep wondering... is it physical? Was it the sex? Was it appearances? Was it how they made us feel? Or is it truly that we loved things about them that are good and even though those qualities are mixed with unhealthy ones- we can't find them in many/or any other people?

-ella

June 29, 2007
12:08 am
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Ella, for me...in my heart he is the love of my life. The good times, the way he was so romantic, so loving, the sex was the best I have ever had. But he made me feel like to him, I was the best woman in the whole world, He made me safe, love secure. We both had similar screwd up child hoods and so I also felt, he of all people understood me. All I ever wanted was a family, and although my kids weren't his, he thought of them, and still to this day thinks of them. He did all the things I wish I had, went fishing with them, took them camping, would go to dance recitals, to the park, the family things. That even their blood father had no part in. We were a real family, and I felt it. I was and am very sexually attracted to him. Like someone said above it was like our souls were meant to be.

I have never ever felt this with anyone else, not even remotley close. i even moved on and got married and tried to just settle for just having a safe, stable environment for the kids. But there was never the passion, the romance, the intimacy the family thing. He couldn't fill his shoes. All he could do was pay bills or be a financial supporter. But for all those years, I just gave up my hopes my dreams, my wants because I figured if I can't be with the one I love, that what does it matter.

Now my last h and I are going through a divorce, after seven years of a sexless loveless marriage, Its over, I feel like I am let out of prison. Maybe I was punishing myself.

Now, My love of my life ex has surfaced as well, and has been off drugs and is once again swooping in, and my gaurd is up, but the moment he put his arms around me I melted. I missed him so much, I never got over it, he is the love of my life..And who knows what will happen. But it is all still there....I think the few times I have seen him..I realize and cherish him even more for the things that I missed. That someone could love me so much, and make me feel that feeling of love, the family thing...all I missed. He doesn't make much money after his child support, and that doesn't even matter. Money to me doesn't matter. Money doesn't buy happiness. So either it will work or it wont' but I am not all the way giving in because I need proof that the bad parts have been learned and we can find a way to make it work.

Ya know that saying if you love something set it free...

Well time will tell really shortly if he is different in the ways that destroyed our marriage. I know he's dwelled on his mistakes for years. The bottom line is he was hooked on drugs, and it makes you have very bad decision making etc.

So maybe I am screwing up, maybe not. But I tell you He is the love of my life, and its like that never changed at all.

I just don't know.

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