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Still conflicted
August 3, 2007
11:07 am
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jastypes
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I say I'm done with the marriage. But am I? Confusion is one of the things I am experiencing. I've been hurt. I don't want to hurt him. I want my freedom. Will freedom suck? Will I miss him? Will I miss having a husband? Will I be more lonely than I am now? Is that even possible? Can I forgive him? Can I love him? Should I even try again? What will my life look like after divorce? Will he use drugs again? Will he never use drugs again? Does that even matter anymore? Will I love someone some day? Will I ever be loved again by a man? Should I get divorced when I feel so confused and conflicted? Will I ever really feel peace about a decision to divorce? Will I ever feel peace about a decision not to?

This is the ranting that goes on in my brain. Welcome to my world.

August 7, 2007
11:57 pm
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soofoo
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Oh Jastypes your brain does what my brain does! Sometimes I flip a coin and say if it's heads were over if it's tails were not. Just to sort of get an answer for a few minutes. I know this is very silly, but I do it anyway. I'll flip it like a hundred times.

Do I take the rock or the hard place? If I do this, will he do that? What if I do this? What if I wait? What if I call? What if I don't call? And on and on.

It's complicated because it hurts so much to let them go even when it's best for us.

I am in the same position as you except that I am not married to him.

I think relationships have lives of their own. This may be very anti-recovery theory I don't know because I am new. But I think so. I think it is hard for us to accept that because of the lack of control. It's hard to be in that in between stage where you could go back because it's early enough to forgive, but you don't know if it's optional because it doesn't make any difference if he's not sorry.

There is all this Unknown stuff. It can be exciting. Because we get to create anew. Fill our lives with what we want in them. But it's also scary because maybe we don't know what we wnt in them. Or maybe we're afraid to make the wrong choice. Easier to contend with someone else's problems than your own.

Sometimes, when I'm smart or sane or whatever it is, I forget about all the questions and just start doing something I like or enjoying time with the people who are right here right now.

Sometimes I just say God I have no idea what to do and give up and that's ironically when I actually do something. Then I might get a little taste of peace or joy. And that moment really counts for something, because I'm all there.I'm not thinking about my future or my past and it feels good.

August 8, 2007
12:57 am
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fantas
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Trust you instinct. Write down on paper all the pro and cons of your current marriage and then write down all the pro and cons of being divorced and see how things stack up.

August 8, 2007
1:25 am
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soofoo wrote: "I think relationships have lives of their own."

That really resonates with me. It's like that old saying, "it isn't over until it's over".... and only in retrospect can I see why it wasn't over the first time I thought it was, or thought it should be. Maybe the "life of its own" that the relationship has, comes from the unconscious dynamics that both partners are playing out.

Good luck with your decisions, jastypes. Hopefully as you get healthier you become more confident in your decisions, and clearer about what you want to do.

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