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still cant move on
November 5, 2001
2:55 pm
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Shelly26
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I posted a few weeks ago about not being able to get over my ex boyfriend...well last night i had another very bad night,he and i were chatting (we are still friends) and he said he has 3 different dates lined up! i didn't understand this,since he told me that he didn't want a girlfriend,and that is why he quit dating me. well now i find out he's been looking all along,even though we were dating for a few months. we went out previously for almost 3 years,and lived together for 2. i just cant get over how just 2 months ago he wanted to get engaged with me and buy a house. now he said,"i guess i just didn't want to be with YOU." so he's got 3 new dates lined up. after hearing this,i cried all night and i've been crying all day and i cant eat. i dont want to go to work because he works with me and i have to hear all about these girls. i dont even want another boyfriend now becuase i dont have the strength to be in love and lose it again,i cant handle it. i've lost interest in everything but thinking about him...what can i do to get over this!? i know this sounds like your typical "how do i get over him" problem and i'm sorry,i just have to get this out and my friends will only call me weak because they dont see how i loved him in the first place.

November 5, 2001
3:23 pm
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Starbaby
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Hi Shelley. I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time right now. Believe me, I've been there! Your post reminds me of a break-up I had. I was with someone for a year and loved him so much. He broke with me, saying that his feelings for me had changed. I was devastated! We had a "civil" break-up and decided to remain friends. It was going along ok until I went to his apartment and saw a note on his dresser from another girl, who had signed it "Remember how much I love you.." (I can still recite the whole note. Its burned in my mind. 🙂 When I saw that, my heart broke even more, especially since we had only broken up a few weeks before! So what did I do? I left his apartment and ended the "friendship." I know its a hard thing to hear, but you may want to consider doing the same. Its just way too hard to get over someone when you are still maintaining a close connection with them. You need time to yourself to heal. The last thing you need is to hear about his new dates. After I read that note, I realized that I was continuing the friendship with him because I was secretly hoping we would get back together and that wasn't going to happen. Do you feel the same way?
After a break-up, I find its best to distance yourself as much as possible and fill your time with as much as you can. Remind yourself everyday that the pain will lessen.
I know its harder for you since you work with him, so maybe you should try to stick to work-related discussions. Don't come in and say "How was your weekend?" because you are only opening yourself up to more hurt if he goes into his current exploits.
Its possible that eventually you can be friends, but give yourself time first. I remained friends with an ex of 3 years, but we didn't talk for almost a year after the break-up. We needed time to do our own thing.
As for your friends...what kind of response is that??? Friends need to be supportive. Even if they don't understand why you were with him, they should still acknowledge that you care about him and are hurting! You are not weak..you are human and we've all been there!
All the best to you!

November 5, 2001
3:25 pm
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Ladeska
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Shelly...geez, I don't know what to say here. Things are as clear as the nose on my face, but it's obvious you are liking your situation of self-inflicted, self-indulgent pain.

Sweetheart.....If you saw a train coming at you - would you still stand in front of it and go - ya know? Ya think it might move and not hit me if I look the other way and ignore it???

DING, DING, DING! Lights are flashing like crazy here and you're just mowing right over them, asking why did you get hit by the big, bad train??? Um, because you walked in front of it and didn't listen to the warnings when they blared in your ears maybe?

Well, you might oughta listen to your friends, too - they have a point? Why are you spinning over him like this? Wearing the martyr outfit - isn't becoming to you and you know it. He's an arrogant self-centered pig who is pulling you around like a little pull toy...and you are allowing it. Why are you allowing it? Who knows, but you need to find that out before you go any further.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to be in love again - if this is what you pick as someone to be in love with. Shelly....wake up, smell the coffee burning here. You made a bad choice. And - It's okay to admit that and to move on, learning something from all this....

But, what I see you really wanting to do instead - is to wallow around in all this and talk to him some more, think about it alot, lose sleep, don't work, don't eat....'for what exactly?' What's your point? I know there is one here - but you need to answer that question - to yourself...

Why are you jumping through all these hoops and looking like this wild martyr all for the love for him, the asshole? Why? What are you getting out of it? And if it's poison - why are you compulsively looking for it and then eating it like it was - really good for you - only to complain later when you have a nasty stomache from it?

At least, if nothing else - admit to yourself that you are allowing all this in order to get your daily portion of B.S. and pain delivered to your door. At least - admit that one, because you ARE doing that. Then maybe move onto the next question of why you "won't" assume responsibility for your own actions here by staying in this?

You can move out of this - but you aren't. That tells me - you like it for some twisted reason. Some people really do like pain....makes them feel alive in some weird sort of way. So, not sure I'm one to say stop it - if you're getting something out of it. Not sure it would do any good even if I did say stop it. You have to want to and you have to want to be - honest with yourself. You're in this situation because you want to be. And you will be out of it - just like that - when you want to be.

November 6, 2001
1:28 am
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Shelly26
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Ladeska...
I dont understand how you think i am choosing to go through this...why would I or anyone WANT to feel this pain? I WANT him to love me back the same way i love him,and when he says we have a history together,and he wants to marry me,that is what i believe! I know deep down he has feelings for me and cares about me. He has never stayed friends with an ex before but he is with me. I choose to keep in contact with him because 1)i dont like losing people from my life,especially someone as important as my first love...and 2)we work together so we have to get along. I dont choose to get hurt,i had no idea that there were other girls in the picture,so i had nothing to go by except he was confused and needed time to think before plunging into marriage. well,i guess now i know the whole story so...if i loved this pain so much then i wouldn't be asking for a way to end it. but unfortunately,the only option people bring up is a little impossible to do. Even though we work together 5 days a week,i miss him more and more every day,and it gets harder,not easier. the more i think about how wonderful it was when we dated recently,the more sad i get because i beleived we were going to be together at last. and after hearing him praising our 3 year history,it would be odd if i DIDNT try to save it. i am just not a quitter and i hate giving up,and i hate losing people from my life. so,i guess i answered my own question here...i cant get over him because i care too much to fully let him go. But the pain of losing him completely would be worse than this,i'm afraid.

November 6, 2001
12:20 pm
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Molly
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I heard once that some people come into our lives to teach us things, perhaps this is a lesson opportunity here for you. the question you have to ask your self, is if it hurts is this right? Like the fire, you know it burns, so you keep putting your hand in it until when? some people aren't ready for a committed one on one relationship, they are casual, a little here a little there, and some go from a date status, to friend status, its human and normal. No matter how much you hurt, how hard you try, how good you are, or not, its not there for him, so why?
Perhaps you should look at what your pay off is. there has to be a reason for this, I understand keeping people in your life, but at a different place, you know make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold. But to continue useless heartache, when its clear that is all your going to get, you just have to ask why, can't turn a circle into a square.

November 6, 2001
12:49 pm
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Ladeska
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Well, I wish you the best, I really do. I think you will answer your questions, as we all do - via the journey.... We do take certain paths in life, horribly painful as they may be - in order ot either arrive at an answer or to try and destroy a part of ourselves that we intensely dislike. Sometimes, the latter - pulls us under.

We do choose our own poison, but really, really hate to own up to that one. And it either cures us, or destroys us.

I don't think we consciously look for pain....don't get me wrong. Most of us are big babies in that regard. But...the track records are there for the viewing. Look around you. Consciously or unconsciously - We do - do it. When the train is coming and we see it and yet continue to stand in front of it - we choose.

It's just that people don't want to assume responsibility for that.....and they bark at anyone who mentions it. (smile) But, consciously speaking... being a martyr is rather romantic and in the end - illumines the one who "hung in there" and took all the abuse with an angelic glow... Um....well....nice thought, but what usually happens is - you feel like kicking yourself about twenty times right in the arse because - the investment - didn't match the returns...and the glow is more like a dense fog that takes years to fight your way out of.

But, maybe it's worth the effort for you to hang in there, I don't know. Time will tell. Maybe you came here to get a pat on the back for sticking it out with this person and maybe he is absolutely worth it. In that case, I understand better what you are looking for in the way of feedback.

Btw....what do you see when you look in the mirror and consider what it is about you that is worth being loved?

November 9, 2001
11:07 pm
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Maribelle
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Shelly you need to understand that while some people Really mean it when they say "i love you" but on the other hand others can turn off their emotions as quicly as a light switch. I have posted on this board saying how I'm sick of my ex boyfriend hurting me and I want to get out of it.. only to not even listen to my own words and take him back when he decides he wants me again!

I know everyone tells you that the guys a jerk.. just get over him..leave him.. you must want this hurt if you're still letting it happen. But unlike him .. and unlike with my ex. We can't just turn off our feelings! We WANT this person to love us and WANT them in our lives. So if they give us an inch.. Like bring up the good times, Say how much they still love you, or of course still offer to stay your friend., we take a MILE and We think maybe If we can just Stick by and show them how much we love them.. they will come to their senses and realize how great we are and just Make everything alright.

I don't want to lose my ex either.. Afterall i wanted to marry him. He was my first love and the only thing found meaningful at times was me and him. But he Seems to only come to me when it's convenient to him.. He's cheated on me and even now is cocky about it.I know he talks to other women..he makes it obvious.. but i let him back into my life when he promises to change because I want to believe he does love me. and like you i don't want to just not have him in my life.. I love and care about him as a human being. even after all the horrible things he's done! I need him.
and i've tried the cold turkey giving up thing..and you're right.. it hurts alot more then keeping in contact And seeing him sometimes.

But here's the thing.. We're chasing after men who do not care about anyone but themseleves! You may believe that he loves you and maybe he does.. But not how you want or need to be loved. IF he is already dating others and knows it is hurting you, yet still tells you about it, Then you need to accept this. He doesn't care for your feelings. JUST HIS. And if you keep sticking by like this..sure he may come back, but do you really want those few moments of being with him knowing he can leave you again and be dating 3 women when you've only been broken up 2 months??

My boyfriend slept with another women when he considered us on a "BREAK" or to him broken up.. AFTER 2 days! How could he do this? don't know.. will never know. I don't think i want to. I just want to end it eventually or know i can trust him again.. but i'm afraid Thending it part is my best bet... It's just the hardest one.

The people on this site give good advice.. so keep it in mind. But I know you won't just take it.. you have to realize what you want to do on your own. But i could use someone to talk to since i'm going through a simular situtation, . Leave me your email if you want to talk more about it!

November 10, 2001
3:18 pm
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SuzyQ
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Shelly,
I know your situation sucks. Especially when you have to work with him. Why can't we change people anyway, damn it? Everyone here is trying to be helpful and is responding to the info. you give. Several years ago I worked with a guy and we dated for a few months. A new young girl started working there. Allegedly, she had never even had a bf before. He had been passive-aggressive in not calling me, but I would usually see him once or twice a week at work (fortunately not daily). I would hear through the grapevine that they were at a party together and he even helped her move. I was hurt deeply and was even too afraid to confront this head-on. Once I called him and he said that we were just too different. I was depressed & couldn't eat or sleep. She always looked guilty and seemed shifty as well. Other people who worked there knew what was going on, had encouraged it and were all trying to keep it from me. I heard later that they got married which is fine. They also both were fired from the job for not showing up to work at different times. I'm glad I know this now and can't understand what I even saw in him. Shortly after our break up, he would call (I imagine) anytime she was not around. One time he called and I saw her caller ID show up on my phone. I confronted it right away and he was uncomfortable. I truly think that he thought I didn't know. If he could be that sneaky and deceitful to me, you know he can be to her too and maybe is.

I know your situation is different because you had been talking marriage. If he keeps this up, you may decide to move on. Think of your needs and not his. Maybe you need to take some time where you don't talk to him on the phone for awhile. Not all exes can become our friends. If this continues, time will eventually help to heal you. You might need to focus on other things. I don't know your job situation or his, so I can't give too much advice on that. Just make sure to take care of yourself.

November 11, 2001
5:25 pm
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Maribelle
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One word of advice.. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater! And another.. If he says " I will change.. " Make sure he changes FIRST.. THEN believe him! GRRRR... This place is good for letting out frustration don't you think?

November 12, 2001
2:09 am
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Shelly26
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well things have taken an even worse turn,recently. Friday night at work we were sitting together on break like we usually do,and he proceeds to call his new woman on his cellphone,right in front of me! He tried to be sneaky about it by stepping away from the table so i couldn't hear who he was asking for,but i know it was her. i was upset for a while,he finally got it out of me why (i was hesitant to talk about it there cuz there were 3 other people sitting by us,working). He quietly said to me,"you just gotta get over it,i did". well then my friend sat down and i got up for something,and i guess she asked him why i was in a bad mood,and he goes,"she's just mad cuz i called a girl and she's jealous!" Real nice huh! He blabs this in front of 3 people,now the whole place is going to hear about it (everyone there gossips and knows everything about everyone),and they're all going to think i'm this jealous posessive psycho ex who cant get over him. anyway,i came back to the table and heard him bitching about me,he was saying,"i try to be nice to her,but all i get is attitude!" (hmmm,he gave me attitude too when i was dating someone new!) So...I sit down,and the whole table quits talking. i couldn't handle it,so i got up again and walked away. later my friend told me what he said,and i explained to her the real reason i was upset. sure it was about him calling her,but it's not just cuz i'm jealous,it's cuz i'm going through the break up process all over again and it's only been a month,and he expects me to get over it in that time,and be fine with hearing him talk on the phone to his woman,while he's sitting right next to me!? anyway...we sort of talked a bit,so i know he wasnt mad. but i still was,that he was telling everyone about me being "jealous" so,i emailed him when i got home and told him he should understand more than anyone how it is to get over somebody,he should respect that i take longer than him. i also said to please quit talking behind my back,he made me sound like a jealous freak. well,he never answered my email and it's been 3 days,he came online but quick shut his messenger off so i couldn't say anything! now he probably wont talk to me at work and it will be miserable. how can i get over him when we have to work together 8 hours a night!? and i have to hear him talk about this girl every night. i cant even eat,i have no appetite. Even watching movies or listening to music doesn't help,even hanging out with my friends doesn't help,as much as i try to put him out of my mind,it comes back. i cant quit my job and i cant make him quit,but i am going to go nuts if i cant get over him,this is just too much. if anyone wants to email me my address is [email protected],if you'd rather do that than responding in here.

November 12, 2001
7:12 am
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janes
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Well, on the bright side this obsessing about this kind of fella can help in the diet department.

It's obvious you aren't enjoying this.
It sure sounds like he is though.

Next timehe tells you to get over it tell him you are....

I don't think any of us can tell you how to do this brreak up thing. We may have all done it but we are all individuals too.

You could write lists about what was so good about him, the things he did for YOU and what you would change about him if you could.

Then try to be objective about it and see what it is he can give you you can't get on your own.

I am still a firm belieiver in female independence and autonomy.

From my point of view you don't need someone that is this inconsiderate of a "friend".

Good luck...and maybe you should at least start looking at the help wanted ads - in front of him and when he asks tell him "with inconsiderate friends like you I don't need any enemies..."

but I bet if you could change jobs he would somehow show up in your face anyway. You are feeding his ego big time. He is loving eveery minute of this....lots of dates plus one pining for him.....what a stud.

November 12, 2001
8:23 pm
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Molly
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Gotta go along with Janes...... Haven't you always had some little part of you that wanted to be an actress? Don't give him the slightest satisfaction, you can dial one, and have a great conversation with Hanz. You know the guy your going to Switzerland for breakfast. If you don't want to go there, then at least pretend like you have Hanz, don't give them reason, be kewl. Hey, wear your shades, hangover from the last party, surely you can do this.

November 13, 2001
7:16 am
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janes
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Hey.......
I just noticed your email name "Ivy"...

Be Poison Ivy with this guy for a while.

Trust an "old gal"

What you really need to do is RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY AWAY AWAY FROM THIS CREEP!!!!

HE''S A CREEP AND A CRETIN WITH THE SENSITVITY OF A SLUG.

Beyond that if you were to marry him he'd cheat on you and be out all hours and you'd still be alone.

November 14, 2001
12:16 am
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SuzyQ
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Shelly,
Cheater, Creep, etc.. I agree with all these adjectives. Now I look back on the jerk I had been referring to before. I don't even know what I saw in him. I don't know what kind of job you have. It does sound tough that you have to work the same shift (plus, we all have to make a living). It might be a good idea to limit your interactions to what's absolutely necessary to perform your job. He's not your friend if he knows he's making you feel like this. He obviously needs to mess with you like this to bring up his own fragile ego. Hey, that's not your problem and you don't need him to bring you down. Maybe you can take breaks at different times, or is there somewhere else you can go? Bring a book or find others to interact with during breaks. He doesn't deserve to rent space in your brain for free.
Good Luck!

November 14, 2001
3:13 am
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Shelly26
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To suzy...
no,we cant take breaks at different times,it's the same time for everyone. and we do spend most of them apart,i walk around the building for excersize (at least i haven't quit doing that!),while he goes outside and calls his new woman. But this doesnt help because we are right back to work afterwards and i have to hear his lies about calling his "cousin",or the truth when he tells other people and i overhear it. (we can never be more than 20 feet away,on our job,so i hear everything he says to everyone else,too).
And about working in another area,that is about as possible as raising the Titanic. He has been trying to get on another shift but they keep giving him the runaround and finally one supervisor said "Just wait til next month,and we'll see..." Doesnt sound too likely. We cant just work somewhere else unless there is a bid up for another job,and you can only get the job if you are the bidder with the highest seniority. And 75% of the place has been there longer than both of us. All the good jobs get taken by people who have been there 20 years. So,we're pretty much stuck where we are.
Oh and i dont know who said he was a cheater,but he has never cheated on me. At least that is one thing he prides himself on,staying with one woman while he's with her. Even my friend (who he talks to a lot and tells her things he doesn't tell me) said he never cheated. He couldn't possibly have,we have been side by side 24/7 for 3 years! And even when he went somewhere alone,he would call me from the cellphone and give play by plays about what he was doing,where he was,etc. So i KNOW he didn't cheat.

November 14, 2001
6:58 am
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janes
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SO WHAT!!! He didn't cheat while you were together so that gives him permission to treat like dog shit NOW?

Doing the stuff he is doing is worse than cheating because he HAS to know how fragile you are right now.

He can cast you away so quickly and be so cruel.....

Forget the PIG - SLUG - CRETIN---

Instead of feeling so sorry for yourself you need to get ANGRY...he does not have the right to be such a shit and tell people YOU are jealous blah blah blah...

YOU need to look at this situation and the payoff you are giving him every time you react....

TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK OR START LIKING THE PAIN (or do you)

This break up may prepare you for how to handle the next one when YOU are doing the breaking up.

He is not the only man in the world and sounds to me he is even not the best

November 18, 2001
5:43 pm
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notorioush
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People change.

Better to quit the relationship that to waste the lady's time.

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