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still afraid
November 12, 2009
8:21 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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When I was about 7 or 8 the worst of several incidents of childhood sexual abuse happened to me.
My family went to visit a deacon at our church's ranch to ride horses. My Mom and brother rode on a horse in front of me and the deacon. My Dad stayed behind.
The deacon molested me on the horseback ride. I could see my Mom's back, I could see my Mom!
I kept trying to pull away but it didn't work. I don't know why I didn't just cry out to her- its what I should have done. I'm a shy person, shy and afraid to this day.
This deacon I think planned this encounter. I think he targeted me before the actual day it happened.
I was happy when he died.
Still am.
Despite the fact I've been hurt badly, I have never turned into a molester. So when people say people who have been molested grow up to molest children, its just not true. That makes me angry when people say that. I would never hurt anybody unless they were after a loved one of mine.
What sucks is I'm traumatized still, I still blame myself, and I believe the early year abuse set me up to be a victim my entire life.
I am just coming out of that victim existence.
Thank you so much for having a safe place like this where people can share without revealing their identity.
What really makes me mad is I believe that as a result of the abuse, there is a dark side to my sexuality--I don't believe I would have this darkness if not for the abuse.
I feel like my abusers took everything- I'm not a virgin, and I've never been married.
I hate those people sometimes, and I blame them.
If I was God would I forgive some perv who touched someones kid 10 feet away from them, some perv who pretended to be a good man to my parents- Why should people who hurt children be forgiven?
My lifes been a messed up drug addicted bad relationship getting beaten and verbally abused type of thing, and only thru Christ, God, and Mary can I let a lot of my hate go and begin the healing process.
I am finally in a woman's group and I dare to dream maybe one day I will be able to get married, have a family, and live a normal life.
My darkness tells me I am worthless, stupid, ugly, deserved it, or maybe I imagined my whole freakin' life.
I also feel bad because some victims are tortured, beaten, killed. I am grateful I still have my life, but if I can't be pure entering a marriage, what kind of a woman will a nice guy think I am? Won't a guy think I'm dirty if he knows what happened to me?
Perhaps in heaven I will not feel this pain that never lifts. It is heavy on the heart. Thank you again for the outlet.

November 12, 2009
10:24 am
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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I'm so sorry for your experience. Thank goodness you're in a support group.

I was also molested and cried from relief at his burial.

As a survivor, I'm hearing some language in your post that I used myself. A lot of should haves - should have told, should have cried out, etc. I wonder if you could consider leaving the blame with him? None of it was your fault. You were the child.

I hope you continue to heal because he is still terrorizing you from his grave by stealing your ability to feel safe, etc.

November 12, 2009
11:13 am
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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It would be really helpful for you to get into private counseling for this trauma. You are carrying alot of (totally undeserved) guilt. Counseling/therapy will help you get free of it.

And no...a decent and kindhearted man who loves you will NEVER think you are dirty, "spoiled goods" or bad in any way because you were molested as a child. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your choice. You were a child. The molesters were criminals. CRIMINALS. You are the traumatized victim in this and completely innocent.

Do keep posting. I am sure there are many others on these threads who have had similar experiences and may be able to give you the support and encouragement you need to press ahead in your recovery.

- Ma Strong

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