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still a little lost
April 28, 2009
2:51 pm
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lucky831
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Does anyone see nappy here anymore? I have not been here for quite awhile, I was just wondering how she was doing. I have missed alot of you. I got so lost in my own life, I just couldn't even talk about it any more. Nothing was changing, except the amount of time I was spending on my computer. I needed to step back. All of you had such kind words and support and advice. I still have not found the strength within myself to follow your wonderful advice, but I still have hopes. Still here in my home, still a slave to my husbands sexual needs, but at least he has sort of been kinder, sort of.

April 28, 2009
2:55 pm
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CAMER
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hi Lucky...nappy hasn't been on here in many, many months, not sure when she will post again, but i too miss her. I liked how she was straigh forward and gave the best advice, sometimes advice i may have not wanted to hear (the denial in me!).

If you want to talk...let me know 🙂

(((camer)))

April 28, 2009
3:03 pm
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lucky831
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Hi CAMER,

I know exactly what you mean about her advice or should I say words of wisdom.

Thanks for the post, I'm feeling a little lonely today, again I find myself drawn to the computer and not getting anything else done. The walls are closing in on me today.

April 28, 2009
3:08 pm
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CAMER
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do you want to talk about anything, that may be bugging you??

April 28, 2009
3:20 pm
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lucky831
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I just feel very confused right now.

I'm married to a man that most of the time I can't stand, that has an unbelievable sexual appetite and a control freak. I want so badly to get away, but then again, scared to leave the comfort of my home and life. Scared to plunge myself and my kids into poverty. I have no income of my own, I'm unable to find work. I redid my resume last summer and got it done, but no one is interested. So I feel trapped.

April 28, 2009
3:28 pm
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CAMER
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unfort. the economy stinks, and it seems like you could be up against 100's of people for that one job. I too am trying to get a 2nd part time job, but no one is calling.

How many years have you been married?? and are your children young or older??

I hope i am not asking too many personal questions....but was your hubby "always" like this, controlling and over sexed?? and how do you keep your sexual needs and his in order, maybe so you don't feel like you are a sex slave...i hope this makes sense.

(((camer)))

April 28, 2009
3:41 pm
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lucky831
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I do have my own business but right now it's not making any money, in fact it's in the hole and I have to dig out. So this is on my resume, not about the hole part anyway, but companies I think would rather give a job to someone that has nothing, not really considering the whole situation. Of course they don't know the situation.

I will be married for 15 years in July. I have 3 kids all under the age of 13, the youngest is 6 with a very mild case of cerebral palsy. So I need my husbands insurance for her.

You know I have done a lot of looking back, and I think that even when we were dating, I didn't realize it at the time how controling he was. And the sex then was very frequent, because it had been a while for me and it was new and exciting. Now it might as well be like folding the clothes or running the vaccum and now he wants it all the time. When he is bored, I'm his thing to do, his hobby. If I would give in, he would have sex 2,3 oreven 4 times a day. Makes me sick just to think about it. I really hate the weekends..

April 28, 2009
3:47 pm
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CAMER
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wow, so what happens if you tell him that you can only have sex say 2 or 3 times a week?

do you actually give into him with the sex as he wants it??

I went thru this issue with my bf...he wanted sex alot, and i wanted it less, and i told him I can't be his type of woman, cuz i feel depressed, living where i am living now, barely making enough money to survive, and the sex part, i don't know, i just don't have alot of spunk for it...but i was upfront with him and told him that i can only do it 2 or 3 times a week at the most....and heck, if he doesn't like it, it is not my problem, i don't want to be a toy to him, and fill his every need, well what about me?

So if you tell him you can only have it a few times a week, does he get all mad??

April 28, 2009
3:49 pm
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lucky831
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Camer,

Thank you for talking to me, I do feel a little better, helps to get it off my chest, there still more.

But I have to leave to help up at school, I'll be back here tomorrow morning.

Thank You for listening.

(((HUGS)))

April 28, 2009
3:51 pm
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lucky831
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Yes, he gets mad,"I don't love him, like I should" he fidgets and takes it out on me and the kids.

Gotta go,

again Thank you, hopefully see ya tomorrow.

April 30, 2009
12:41 pm
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lucky831
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Hi Camer,

I hope you are out there today, a friend called yesterday, so I didn't get on.

I learned a long time ago that my feeling don't matter and my opinion doesnt matter.

Are you still with the BF that you were talking about? Does he respect your feelings?

April 30, 2009
1:13 pm
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CAMER
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hi lucky, yes, i am off work today so i'll be online for a bit.

Yes, me and bf are together, have gone thru alot of ups and downs, and i had to set some firm boundaries with him. I think after talkign to him and letting him know how I feel changed things....b4 i used to just do things to "please him"...but what about me?? then i started telling him how I felt, and what not...and so far things are going good.

Remember, your feelings do matter, you are worthy and your husband needs to know this. I'd hate to see you cater to his sexual needs, esp if you are not too into doing it a certain time or what not.

April 30, 2009
2:14 pm
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lucky831
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I'm so glad that the two of you could communicate your needs to each other. Believe me I have tried, but it just doesn't seem to sink in, like im talking to a brick.

Every time I have told him how I feel he just twists it around and makes me feel bad about myself, oike if I was feeling that way, I don't love him enough or whatever.

Tired of trying.

April 30, 2009
2:41 pm
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CAMER
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ahhh, i just typed up a huge amount, and went to send it then got kicked off...sigh.

here goes again....i hated when my bf used to want to have sex, and i'd say no, cuz i was tired or what not...he used to think that i didn't love him cuz i said "no"...well, its too bad, No is a huge thing you should learn toward setting boudaries, say NO to please yourself not YES to please him.

Trust me, we've gone thru our fair shares of sexual problems, which i posted in the past about....and finally i started setting boundaries....and finally I am at peace with myself and the relationship. Our problem was alot of times "things wouldn't happen" in the bedroom, well so be it, i told my bf I am not a machine or robot, and now I can feel ok if "nothing happens". I got to the point where i was sick of trying so hard, and getting nothing back except mean comments and fighting....And finally stood up for myself and my wants and needs.

If your hubby is not willng to listen to your, your wants and needs, then how can he expect the relationship to build and grow??

You may be tired of trying, so maybe its time to stop trying so hard.

((camer))

April 30, 2009
3:07 pm
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lucky831
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You have a good point, it would be OK if it was just me that had to put up with his wicked verbal abuse, but he also takes it out on the kids.

Starts screaming at them and verbally abusing them. I can deal with a lot, but I hate to see them suffer, because Mom didn't feel like it.

April 30, 2009
3:21 pm
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CAMER
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well Mom, Lucky831...be strong and tell him to knock it off, he has no right to verbally abuse your or your children....the more you let him do this, the more he will do it, cuz he will think its "ok" cuz no one told him not to.

Know that you are worthy, know you don't deserve ANY type of abuse, stand up for yourself & the kids and let him know this.

You can do this Lucky, now you just have to ask yourself...is this marriage worth staying in with your hubby being the way he is....or will he want to change on his own.

(((camer)))

April 30, 2009
3:27 pm
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lucky831
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I believe that he will never change, because according to him the problem is never with him, he is perfect, everyone else in the world is wrong.

He is ALWAYS right, about everything...

I have very rarely won an arguement. I'm not a fast thinker, clearly not as fast as he is. He can twist words like you wouldn't believe.

No, this marriage is not worth staying in, which leads me back to my original pickle, about not finding a job and a way to leave.

I guess I just came hear to vent and I thank you for putting up with me.

April 30, 2009
3:31 pm
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CAMER
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Lucky, thats what this site is for, to help eachother, in healthy ways.

So you basically want a divorce or would marriage counseling and HIM wanting to get help...help the marriage.

It sucks that he thinks he is always right, never taking responsibilty for his actions (such as verbal abuse).

Why not let him know this is the reason why you are not happy in the marriage, and if he choose NOT to listen, then maybe some day you can serve him divorce papers and he will realize that the marriage is not all about "HIM".

Keep looking for jobs, keep standing up for yourself, never ever settle for less, and keep your kids 1st & foremost protected and ok, esp. when your hubby may be lashing words at them.

((camer))

April 30, 2009
3:42 pm
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lucky831
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Thanks, I consider going to counseling for me, I would never go with him, things I would say in counseling would come right back at me and kick me in the teeth outside of counseling. The counseling even if we went together would be for what is wrong with me, he doesn't need counseling. I don't think our insurance covers counseling and we don't have the money to pay for it.

I will stay as strong as I can and let him know when he has gone too far, sometimes it does help and he will stop with the kids, sometimes not.

Anyway at least we will be away for the weekend (I think) and we won't be alone together too much. I will be a nice break.

April 30, 2009
3:44 pm
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CAMER
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keep up the good work ((lucky))) and have a peaceful weekend!!

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