Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Sticking to no contact
March 21, 2009
1:11 am
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Over a month ago the ex and I split up. Long story short, she broke up with me saying that I bring out the worst in her, she hates me and that she can find someone way better than me. It was hard but I accepted it, I mean, I forgave her for cheating on me two years ago and gave it all to make things work but if it must end it will end.

Nonetheless, I went a month without contacting her, I kept to my own things and struggled through it.

Here is my dilemma, about a week ago she sent me a text about someone calling her from a private number and if it's me I should stop. I replied and told her it was not me, and that from now on I have blocked her and she won't be able to text me. That was a bad idea, because she has been calling me none stop for the past week. I mean like 10 times a day. I am not answering, I don't want to answer.

But here is my problem, my mind started playing games on me, I'm starting to think "what if she is pregnant or something..." Should I answer her call? She has yet to leave any voice mails, she just calls and calls. Don't get me wrong, I have never had unprotected sex with her, but my mind is playing games with me.

What should I do? I know if I answer her I'm gonna be back at square one...

March 21, 2009
1:26 am
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The fact that she called and told you not to call her then calls you repeatedly makes it sound like she is mentally unstable.

It sounds like both of you do not have healthy communication skills. Sure you can get back on the merry go round, then you will be right back to square one and you know it.

March 21, 2009
2:00 am
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well I don't know if I lack communication skills or not, since I told her that if we break up I am not able to maintain a "friendship" with her.

Last time I talked to her, I told her that if we fall apart I am not going to talk to her anymore.

I made it pretty clear to her. Even if I do lack communication skills, at this point in my life I have other things I need to focus on, I am not looking for another relationship and do not intend to start another relationship.

I just don't know how to stop thinking about worst case scenarios. I don't want to get back on the merry go around, like I said I don't want to talk to her. I don't know why she is calling me so many times?! What could she possibly want from me.

March 21, 2009
3:42 am
Avatar
sad sack
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 78
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Antagonist,

I think you are doing great with the "no contact" thing (better than most). It appears that you are very strong.

Wouldn't you think that if it were the case that she was pregnant, that she would have already communicated that to you.

I agree with Destiny - that she sounds very unstable, emotionally speaking.

She will tire eventually and stop. If you give in, even for one time, she will learn that her persistant, irrational behavior yields the positive outcome(s) that she is hoping for.

Continue with what you are doing. If there is medical news for her to share, she could always find a way to deliver it. We do have a postal system and I am sure she knows your address. Even then, be careful, because people have been known to make things up just to get a partner re-involved.

You are doing wonderfully so far. I respect and admire that.

sad

March 21, 2009
11:16 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Antagonist...I too think you are doing very well with No contact. Each day it gets a little easier, and refusing to take her calls when she calls you repeatedly shows your strength and commitment to healing from this relationship.

It sounds as if she has issues of her own, especially given the fact that she cheated, and the things she said to you when you broke up. You deserve better than this, and you are taking the right steps to moving on.

Stay strong...

March 21, 2009
5:46 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Antagonist- You say you are done but mentally you are not.

March 21, 2009
6:10 pm
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar - I never said I was done. If I was "done" I would not be here, posting and trying to make some sense out of this. It is clearly evident that I am still connected to her. I simply can't cut everything off after being with someone for ~3 years.

I do want to talk to her and tell her how I feel, tell her how I wish I could see her smile again etc etc but I KNOW it's not going to change anything. At this point it's my heart fighting my brain.

Thanks everyone for giving me hope and support, but alas I am not as strong as you guys think.

March 21, 2009
9:28 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Its your decision to keep someone in your life who cheats on you, tells you she hates you, orders you not to call. In other words the type of person that takes you off the shelf whenever she wants to play with you then puts you back when she is tired of you.

At this point you can send her the message that her horrible behavior is acceptable and continue to reward it by taking her call.

She isnt going to change. You are powerless over what she is doing. The more you seek to understand her the more contempt she will have towards you.

The persons behavior that needs to change is yours. If you keep taking her calls you will continue to get what you have always got from her which sounds like nothing but a bunch of abusive crap.

If you keep whatever power you have by standing your ground maybe she wont ever like you but she will learn to respect you.

This is a game to her. You put her in her place and she is calling you off the hook so she can get in the last word.

March 22, 2009
12:12 pm
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar - Thanks for your last reply. That was a good wake up call I needed to hear. I actually printed it out and have it on hand when I doubt myself. As silly as it sounds, reading it when in doubt it gives me some perspective. I don't want to be like a puppet only to be used when she feels like it.

It appears in the past couple of days the number of times she calls has dropped drastically. I hope she finally gives up and stops this nonsense.

March 22, 2009
12:43 pm
Avatar
soofoo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((antagonist))))

You are indeed strong.

If there was something specific she needed to tell you, I am sure that she would leave a voice mail, send a letter, or communicate that fact to you some other way.

I went through the same kind of stuff while struggling with no contact. I worried and worried, especially when I did NOT get called. Here are examples of what I worried about. "What if he's sick? What if he's missing? What if he's in jail?"

I had to talk myself through these things. I had to say well, if he's sick, missing or in jail, there really isn't anything I can do about it. I can't bail him out, even if I wanted to, because I'm broke. I'm not qualified to heal the sick or find the missing either.

Now, if you do give in to temptation and take a call, you will probably be left with more questions rather than answers. She'll probably say vague or alarming things, whatever happens to hook you, so that you start pursuing her again and she's the one not picking up the phone.

Don't despair if this happens. You will not be back at square 1. You have come a long way and have learned that you don't need her, and you don't have to let her make you forget all that. You can say "Oh I see you have nothing to say" and go right back to no contact. Believe in yourself.

Everybody has to captain their own ship. You can do this, this is just a storm.

March 22, 2009
6:35 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Antagonist- You took affirmative action when you blocked your XGF so she couldnt text you. Right now you are taking steps to protect yourself.

This is also a time when your XGF knows the gig is up. She will fight you tooth and nail to win. At this stage she will try to put on the charm to get you right back to where she had you before. Be careful cause she can be very vicious now.

Please continue to learn all that you can so you can protect yourself and focus on your healing.

Remember there was nothing you could have done to help or prevent the nightmare that she put you through.

March 22, 2009
6:53 pm
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

soofoo - Thanks for the support. I hope I can maintain myself and keep my emotions out of my decisions.

Destinystar - You are right, she has turned a bit aggressive as she mentioned showing up to my house or trying to find me at other locations. I know she is bluffing so I don't think much of it. I will be calling my cell phone provider to see if I can actually block her number from ever reaching me. Just seeing her missed calls distracts me from my daily activities.

The worst thing she can do now is sleeping with another one of my friends...just like she slept with my "best friend" two years ago. Oh well, let her do the worst she can, she is only going to degrade herself.

You are definitely right. The more I think about it the more it becomes clear, I was nothing but a accessory to her. Whenever my life was on track and I was doing well she would come around and "love" me, and when I would hit a bump and require her support she would simply leave. Right now she is simply bored and decided to see if she can wedge herself back in my life. I don't need this, I don't want this. I wanted a companion and she is clearly not that.

March 22, 2009
7:54 pm
Avatar
soofoo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

antagonist,
She sounds horrible. Sleeping with your best friend is pretty effing low.

March 22, 2009
8:12 pm
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

soofoo - I don't know where to begin, I don't know to cry for myself or laugh at myself. I don't know where I went wrong, or what I did to deserve this.

It's pretty depressing looking back and seeing of all the horrible things I took from her, and didn't even bother separating myself from her. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't dwell on the past, but when I KNOW that the 3 years I spent being involved with her really shaped who I am today.

I don't like what I have turned into, I can't trust anyone, I have taken distance from all my guy friends thinking they will back stab me also, and I can't trust girls because I think they will do the same to me. It's gotten to a point where I bottle everything up and the only person I share things with is my brother.

I am a wreck, and I don't know how or where to begin and fix myself.

March 23, 2009
8:42 am
Avatar
RobynB
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would stick to no contact with her. Doesn't she know where you live? If she is actually pregnant and trying to get ahold of you for a legitimate reason, I'm sure she'd come by the house and insist that she be able to speak to you.

And she's already sleeping with one of your friends? This girl clearly needs a lot of attention.

I was in an unhealthy relationship with someone for a long time also and had feelings of isolation and mistrust (and still sometimes do), so know that you are not alone.

Continue to make your own path now, and embrace this exciting time! It's a great time to meet new groups of people, do more with family, or simply take time to take a walk. You could begin working out, taking a kickboxing class... anything that interests you and requires you get out and meet some new friends. This is not only introduce you to some new people, but also help you step back into "the real world" of meeting people and developing healthy boundaries. You could even get a second job (I know, how boring am I!) to help. I had to get a second job when we had a family medical emergency and it ended up being a great thing because it gave me a place where I was valued, made new friends, saw old friends... and even met a great guy!

Stick to no contact! You're doing great!

March 23, 2009
9:03 am
Avatar
soofoo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Antagonist,
You are hurting right now. It has only been a little over a month. You won't feel like this forever. You express your feelings really well here, so try writing things down or posting here when you feel bottled up.

You are doing really well, and you are going to be fine. The heartaches we have make us stronger. When the heart breaks, it breaks open, so it can grow.

You don't need to be fixed, you just need to be loved. Your heart will heal in time, it will fix itself. You can help the process by being very kind to yourself (that's loving yourself), surrounding yourself with people who are good to you and avoiding people who make you feel worse or don't help.

Also, I agree with Robyn, getting involved in activities you enjoy will be wonderful. Little things like walking in nature, spending time with animals, making art, listening to music, or whatever you enjoy, it doesn't have to be one of those.

March 23, 2009
11:45 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

She's just, playing "mind games" with you, and trying to manipulate you, into "reacting" to her, and giving her attention, again! She's not genuinely interested in you! And, she's certainly not sincerely calling out of "caring" about you, to see how you're doing!

People like that...will likely never change! And, even despite the fact, that...you're broke up...it still won't stop them, from trying to "get your attention," and, in turn, "get you to react, and respond to their attention getting tactics!" So...along with everyone else, here...just...Be Careful!

My Fiancee, had seen my abusive ex, a the Mall, tonight, and, he'd told me about it, when he got home! (All I could think to myself, about it, was..."I'm glad that I wasn't the one who'd also been there at the time, and seen him!" Cause...I'm not sure that I'd of been able to handle it, like my Fiancee can! (I'm not totally dwelling on it, like that...but, every now and then, I'll off and on, think back on it...and just, feel...Immense Relief, that I am, where I am, with my Fiancee, today!)

I wish you luck, in resuming your "No Contact" with her!

March 24, 2009
1:13 am
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well it seems she has given up, or just realized I am not going to give in, or found another sucker to attend to her needs since I received no call from her.

I knew she was bluffing when she mentioned coming to my residence or showing up at other places.

I am glad she stopped calling, I tend to be more focused when I don't see her missed calls.

I guess her mind works differently, since If it was me who was doing the calling, I would be really sad and emotional.

March 24, 2009
2:19 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The only thing you can do is change your cell phone number. It will work like a charm. Then text everyone on your contact list your new number. Yep, she can come to your door but you can slam it in her face and bolt it or call the police and complain about her trespassing, Yep, she can sleep with your friends who are not your real friends if they would actually do such a thing. Yes, all she will do is prove to you what a horrible person she really is.

Try to close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax. Let go of her. You have no control over her. You do have control of yourself and your reactions to her. It is a choice to not react to anything she does. Keep telling your self I AM IN CONTROL.

Please take the remote control that she has to your life out of her hands and break it. When she pushes a button do not respond. You are not her foot soldier and you do not take orders from her.

You can protect yourself by not associating with her or anyone else who associates with her either.

The rewards you will get for getting her out of your life is to restore your sanity and serenity.

March 24, 2009
10:59 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Believe me honey! You Don't Need Her! Having a life, away from confusing, Dramatic crap like that, is satisfying and more fulfilling, when you're with someone you truly love, and who also truly loves You in return! 🙂

March 26, 2009
10:37 pm
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar come and smack some sense into me.

It's been 4 days of her not calling me anymore, I doubt she is going to bother me anymore.

Problem has arisen however, I don't know why but whenever I have a difficult day that things end up going badly for me, I end up missing her. I end up losing my focus and start thinking that even when I try my best I still am struggling.

March 27, 2009
12:56 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Antagonist- Hey! If i smack some sense into you do you PROMISE to smake some sense right back into me.

I can totally relate to your situation. Been trying like hell to cut the ties with a wacko myself.

What helps is to focus on yourself. Doing things for yourself and cultivating relationships with other people, not sexual ones, but supportive ones, with people you can call and hang out with.

Then, spend a lot of time researching about the type of person you are dealing with so you can educate yourself on how hopeless and destructive they are.

The only thing that works is to make an effort everyday to get toxic people out of your life and keep them out of your life.

You miss what you THOUGHT she was not who she REALLY is which is a mean, controlling, abusive, person who doesnt give a damn about you.

Unfortunatly you need her calls, threats, visits, to validate who you are. You are so scared of being ignored and abandoned that you will put up with anything or anybody I should say. Its as if she wasnt out there making you feel like crap you fear you might disappear into nothing. You are so empty that a bad feeling is better than no feeling at all. This is what I call STINKING THINKING.

As long as you fill your head with her negative crap you will never feel better. Visualize her as a toxic waste dump and whenever you think of her, hear from her or see her pretend you have a thick layer of steel protecting you and scream NO!. Take a proverbial 2X4 and hit her in her running lights. Regain your power. Let her and the rest of the world know that YOU ARE IN CONTROL!

I know you can do this!

March 29, 2009
1:04 pm
Avatar
Antagonist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well Destinystar I don't know If I could talk some sense to you since it sounds like you are more in control than I am.

Thanks for giving me advice, there are times where I feel like I might sway back and I come and read this thread and everyone's responses and it brings me back to reality.

You are right, I think for the most part I end up feeling like things are not going the way I hope and that the only thing that might make me feel whole again is having her back in my life, which is absoloutely toxic. I have to accept the fact that sometimes things will not go my way, and that's OK. I don't need to be abused emotionally by someone to feel validated. Just simply cutting myself from her should make me feel validated, just knowing I am strong enough that I did not call her continuously over a whole week is an achievement.

March 29, 2009
4:26 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi Antagonist, yes, things won't always feel like they are going your way, yes, you may have slips and falls during the walk, but i think we all learn from them.

I feel you are doing ok!! i know you will do ok...sometimes you may not feel that way, but key thing is "think of how important YOU are in your own life and your wants and needs"....and never ever settle for less.

(((camer)))

March 30, 2009
12:09 am
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Antagonist- Believe me the no contact thing has been a struggle. But it has helped me to allow myself to feel angry towards my X (I divorced him last week) and then tell myself why should I care about what he wants, thinks feels or knows when he never gave a damn about me and treated me horrible. All I know is the more I pull away and ignore the stronger I feel and the more I think about him or even read his letters the worse I feel. It is like climbing up a mountain, lots of effort and work, but once I get to the top I know I will feel a sense of accomplishment and the rest will all be downhill.

With people like this it helps to remember that no matter what you say and no matter what you do you will have no effect on them. They will be jack asses no matter what. It is better to stay away from them and let them take their dysfunctional crap somewhere else.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38543
Posts: 714223
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer