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Sticking to my guns!
March 15, 2006
11:51 am
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LotusTampa
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I'm so sick of talking about my ex and so sick of allowing thoughts of him to permeate my precious brain cells.

I MUST stick to my guns about what it is I want for my life and be OK with the decisions I have made for my life.

The constant capitulation about that f'd up relationship has me looking and feeling like a total bumbling idiot.

My gawd, I've learned so much from this nightmare...I know one should never say never, but I can say I will never put myself in that type of situation again. I'd be a total lunatic to think I'm going to get a different result by doing the things I've done over and over again.

I can't wait to get home from work and plant the beautiful pentas I bought. My daughter is going to help me and it is going to be the most healthy thing I've done in a very long time. =) Imagine, something so simple as planting flowers is going to bring me incredible joy.

March 15, 2006
12:14 pm
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whidbey
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There you go, Lotus! You've reached the stage where you are willing to see what the "education" you've received is from this experience. A wonderful step in your healing. 🙂 I know exactly what you mean about the garden. If our stupid weather would ever cooperate, I can't wait to get out into my yard/garden. I did manage to get most of the garage cleaned up last weekend, but it's still to cold to really do anything in my wood shop (no heat in the garage).

I celebrate this step with you!

March 15, 2006
12:28 pm
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Anonymous
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I'm right there with ya, Lotus! The farther away I get from him, the more I realize how much energy I was giving away. And I hated it. It's great when you can finally put the focus back on yourself, and know, in time, it'll all just seem like a bad dream!

Isn't springtime great? New beginnings all around. Those seeds/plants that were asleep are now awakening and bursting forth with such beauty! They are stronger and more determined than ever:) Sound familiar? So when you plant those beautiful pentas today, use it as a symbolic gesture of winter gone, and a new season of life just beginning! We have soooooooooo much to look forward to, if we will just WAIT. We do NOT have to settle.

I spent this past weekend at a soccer tourney with my youngest son. How ironic that it was held in the same town where my "guy" lives. I never called or let him know we were gonna be there. And I remember sitting there with the other parents, in the beautiful sunshine, just enjoying being there with my child, and cheering him on. I couldn't think of ANY place I would have rather been. And I realized that THIS is MY life, and I like it! I only have 5 more years to enjoy my precious little boy (he's the last of 3), and I don't want to waste my time away pining over some guy that doesn't "get it"!

You are doing just great, Lotus! Keep up the good work:)

Love, plz~

March 15, 2006
12:37 pm
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LotusTampa
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Hey whidbey.

Thank you (as always) for your words of encouragement.

You have no idea the back and forth I've done with this guy.

For god sake, it's like high school stuff. I look like the biggest indecisive woman EVER.

I'm reading The Power of Now...I believe in this stuff, understand it intellectually, but I rarely ever put it to practice.

Feels good to clean out the garage, eh? Warmer weather is coming and then you can get in that wood shop.

I plan on doing some major things around my house this summer...will be very therapeutic.

Back to the ex (I know, he's still getting my attention)...anyway, I know now that I totally gave him license to treat me so disrespectfully...always running to him, tolerating and overlooking so many dispicable things...NEVER AGAIN.

OK, now that I got that out... =)

Work is kicking my butt and I'm battling the flu. My head is so foggy and I just want to go take a nap!

Ever get anymore hang up calls?

March 15, 2006
12:50 pm
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LotusTampa
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Hiya plz. Nice to hear from you.

As time passes, I become much more lucid. There really is something to this no contact stuff...and no contact is definitely the only option in my situation.

It's kind of funny but the last time we talked he said to me, "It's odd in that when girls break up with me they usually contact me about a year later wanting to get back together because they realize I wasn't such an asshole after all." I almost laughed. I hope he doesn't have to eat those words with me (meaning, he just might find himself calling ME back after a year, realizing I'm a damn good woman!). =)

Admittedly, I created way more drama than necessary with this whole situation...I'm almost ashamed of it.

Thank you for mentioning the symbolism of planting my flowers. This is indeed a time of revitalization and new beginnings...that is also what I love about spring.

The trees here are starting to burst with new, vibrant leaves...I love it!

The day with your son sounded wonderful! What a wonderful perspective you have. I also enjoy my time with my daughters (14 and 12). They are so much fun to be with and they bring so much happiness to my life.

Back to the ex...(sorta)...

As part of my cleansing, I have deleted all e-mails I've sent to him or he sent to me...I have no use for them anymore. I'm on the verge of deleting pictures too...I have no use for them either...I really don't want to remember this.

I'm glad you are doing well too and that you are in a very good spot.

Love,
Lotus

March 15, 2006
1:04 pm
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whidbey
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Nope, not one single hang-up call since then, but I've also stopped screening calls. If that was him, I'm sure he got the message, loud and clear, that I didn't want to hear from him. Besides, he's got tons of new supply, and I don't expect to hear from him ever again, or at least for another year or so after he's quit touring and run through present supply. Either way, I'll be ready and won't play into the game. It just feels do darn good getting off that roller coaster.

I hope you feel better very soon. Try and get some good rest this weekend. Hugs.

March 15, 2006
1:05 pm
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LotusTampa
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Whidbey...meant to tell you something kinda funny.

Remember I told you he has "fuxup" on his cell phone? Well, I did have the opportunity to say something sarcastic about that...he opened the door so I went for it...

I was going to use his cell one day and he said, "did you see that?" (referencing "fuxup") and I said, "yeah, but does it really mean "S**** fuxup"? He said, "no, there's a question mark behind it"...I said, "yeah, that still makes sense". HAHA!

It felt good to get that out. =)

March 15, 2006
1:07 pm
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whidbey
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Oh geez... What a maroon he is... lol

March 15, 2006
2:42 pm
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CAMER
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way to go Lotus, keep the focus on you and all the good things that keep you happy....and know the feelings of missing him and thinking of him will pass.

Keep up the good work!!!

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