Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Stewpit Questions....from Ma Strong
November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Life
has blessed me with two very close friends. One of them has flown
in to spend the weekend with me. I have not seen her in nearly two
years, altho we talk on the phone daily. Now...here comes Stewpit
Question #1:

I love this
woman's heart, her kindness, her generosity of spirit. However, she
does one thing (and I never noticed it in past years when we were
together). Whenever she is sitting next to me (restaurants, car,
etc.), she constantly punctuates nearly every other sentence by
touching me on the arm or the shoulder. I know this sounds petty
(and probably neurotic) on my part, but the constant "touching" is
triggering something very unpleasant in me, stemming (no doubt)
from childhood abuse.

I have begun to
recoil and struggle with feelings of rage. Everything inside of me
is practically SHRIEKING, "Please stop TOUCHING ME!!!" The constant
pressure of her hand on my arm/shoulder while we converse is making
me withdraw from her. I will (literally) get up and move away,
leave the room, etc. When we are in my car, I feel trapped because
she won't stop touching my arm while I am driving. Like I said,
every other sentence of hers is "punctuated" with a little thunk on
my forearm or shoulder. And I just can't stand it.

HOW CAN I GET HER
TO STOP WITHOUT HURTING HER FEELINGS? She's not doing anything
wrong, (although I -- personally -- would NEVER touch someone like
that...not even my late husband). I am kinda weird about invading
other people's "space," just as I am vigilant about protecting my
own. I totally understand that this must be triggering something
from my own past for my reaction to be so violent and so
intense.

Second "stewpit
question:"

For years I have
struggled with an eating disorder (bulimia/anorexia). Hence, I have
always felt very uneasy around other people who are constantly
eating (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks...HUGE portions). You get
the picture. People who are constantly planning their next meal,
focusing their energies on menu planning, cooking, etc. are almost
repulsive to me. When I undergoing great stress (such as grief,
loss, sorrow, etc.), the sight of someone stuffing him/herself can
(literally) put me into such a rage of disgust that I have to leave
the room. I know this is abnormal behavior and -- again -- I have a
problem. There is nothing wrong with these people who are enjoying
food. And my dear friend who is staying with me till Monday eats
around the clock. We go out for a HUGE Chinese dinner. One hour
later, she is rummaging through the pantry, grabbing chips,
cookies...you name it. She eats ALL THE TIME. And we are talking
about sandwiches piled high with meat, cheese, tomato, lettuce,
GLOBS of mayo, more chips...you get the picture.

This is really
making me uncomfortable. There is a portion of my brain which
"judges" and is repulsed by over-eaters. (Yes...she is quite
overweight.) And I am deeply ashamed that my own eating disorder
has set me up to be so unfair and critical of someone I truly care
about.

Can anyone give me
any advice on how I can overcome this critical spirit/revulsion
towards someone I truly value? I know I have the problem...not her.
And I don't want these feelings snuffing out my enjoyment of her
company.

- Ma Strong, Whack
Job

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma,
your eating issues go deeper than anything I am qualified to
answer. First Question: This woman has been a friend for a very
long time and that is obviously one of the ways she shows love. It
isn't how you receive love. I think you are well within your rights
to say "Jane, you know I love you and you have been my friend for a
very long time and I value that friendship more than you can
imagine. That being said I have to ask you to do me a favor, you
know a lot of my past history of abuse and what I have been
through. For some reason it is bothering me when you touch me right
now. I do not want this to come between us, but I have to ask you
please not to touch me until I have resolved whatever is causing me
to feel this way or I understand it better."

If she is truly
your friend she will understand the kind way in which you phrase
this.

Bitsy

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh,
and tell her just what you said here. She isn't doing anything
wrong...this is your issue.

Bitsy

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey
Ma,

Sorry you are
facing this with your friend.

If you are truely
unconditionally close friends, then you should be able to discuss
both items and work through them together. Maybe take it from the
perspective that you need her support in your healing process. If
you don't want to share about your abuse or eating disorder, you
can simply say you have developed a sensory sensitivity that is
triggered by her constant touching and watching her eat.

If she is a
conditional friend then you might not have the luxury of being so
open with her. If that is the case, then please share a little more
about the dynamics of the friendship so I can better provide a
helpful response.

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
onlyboringontheoutside
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi
Ma. The advice above about the unwanted touching sounds right on
the mark. I am also hyper-vigilant about being touched and touching
other people, and it's a sign of great comfort for me when I'm able
to touch and be touched by those I trust. Others don't have that
same sense of space. My mother is one such person... she'll hug
anyone, even if she's never met them before. Boundary issues, but I
digress... 🙂

Your friend may
have an eating disorder if she is overeating the way you describe.
I'm sure that this has crossed your mind, and probably hers as
well. I don't know if it would help to keep that in mind when you
feel the revulsion start to build up. Are there activities that the
two of you could plan together that don't involve eating? Maybe
taking a walk, anything to get out of the house (or out of the
restaurant)?

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma,

I think the advice
above is very good. I would add only that speaking to your friend
soon before passing the tipping point is a good idea. A dear friend
of mine had this playful habit of poking that I just ignored until
one day my face got red and I shouted "Leave me alone!" I explained
and apologized and things were fine between us. She never playfully
poked me again. Get yourself the relief you need.

In regards to the
food, I don't know.

But I think that
if you feel safe that she won't be touching you repeatedly, your
overall stress level will go down.

Best to you,
Ma...as always.

Fire

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
.
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 49
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma
Sorry for the touchy feely friend.

I have to admit I
puked a little bit in my mouth when you said gobs of mayo.
Yuck.

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
marietherese
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
January 5, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you
could be me with both issues! i have problems with personal space,
i recoil if someone touches me too much. i feel threatened by it. i
had childhood sexual abuse. i am very vigilant about my personal
space also and oly let a very few people in. i also get enraged
when someone imposes on me like that but i keep it inside i never
show it. im not a hugger or a toucher and maybe thats sad but i
understand how you feel. everyone is different i have friends who
are touchers and i just put up with it. about the eating--stress
makes me pukey, i cant eat. the last few months ive been very
stressed my mom died, i have health issues, ect. bulimia is an
issue for me--used to be more i can control it now. when i got
stessed i feel powerless, like i have no control, the only thing i
can control is my vomiting--sorry i kow its gross--but when i make
myself vomit i feel cleansed and feel in control. i know its warped
but its how i cope, like i said its a lot better now but i
sometimes feel like i have to fight it. plus im on dialysis (from
allergy to na medication) so sometimes i drink a lot of fluid which
is not allowed on dialysis and i feel empowered if i throw it up
right away. sorry to anyone wo is grossed out but i am honest here.
everyone has their own personal demons i guess. we have to exercise
them in our own way, right or wrong. anyway thanks for listening,
everyone needs someone to listen to them and acknowledge
them.

November 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

First
off....LOVE the 'Stewpit!"

Made me
laugh!

Hey ole gal, if
anything....you still have your sense of humor 🙂

If it were me, I
guess I am not good at all in hiding my emotions anymore, but if my
friend were poking me and I didn't like it.....I think that I would
be like Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm) and just shake my head
and hold up my hand in a "shaking no gesture" and say..."the poking
thing......not real comfortable with it."...and leave it at that.
That's just me.

As far as the
food...again, I am not good at hiding my emotions and to tell you
the truth, don't even try anymore.

If it were me, I
would probably just give a really disgusted look....like the sun is
in my eyes or something....and if it were a really good friend,
would probably provoke a laugh becaue of the honesty!

It's her deal, you
know? I am not going to hide my emotions. My really good friends
understand this about me (I hope)....and perhaps - appreciate
it?

I dunno. I am just
not all up on this politically correct stuff. People that know me
well, know that I am this way - I make no apologies, nor would I
ever expect them to hide their emotions either. It's about being
really honest and comfortable with each other.

I just wear my
heart on my sleeve and folks have no doubt what I am
thinking/feeling. I don't really think that I can be or do anything
else than that.

Call it a bit
crude...that's what I would do.

November 8, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ma
-

I can't tell you
the best way to handle the food issue. You know it's your issue,
and you know where it comes from...I remember you telling me how
you were raised, and I am sure that a lifetime of that lifestyle
has set you up for being judgemental, cuz your mother and
grandmother (if I have that right) were very judgemental of
you....it's hard not to pass that on......I don't know what to say,
except to keep working on it....knowing where it comes from is
often the first huge step in getting over it.

second - I think
bitsy hit the nail on the head with her advice....if she is a true
friend, it isn't going to be a bad thing if you say "because of my
past, I have boundary issues and I have a hard time with anyone
touching me....could I ask you to be careful...and ask her to
understand when you have to leave the room because you are being
overwhelmed with emotions.

I think when
someone has ocd type tendencies (I don't think you have OCD, but I
think you have the emotions LIKE OCD)....flooding can be a great
way to overcome it....by surrounding yourself with things that
overwhelm you and talking yourself thru it, to see that it isn't
going to harm YOU - that the touch isn't abusive, it isn't meant to
harm....that her eating habits won't hurt YOU.

I wonder tho - do
you watch her eat and WISH that it could be YOU that could eat like
that without the guilt????? just a thought.

November 8, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm
so glad you brought these things up. Chelonia said it well. I also
have difficulty with people touching me because of past abuse. It's
really hard not to cringe.

I've been working
on that. It's helped me to heal by being able to say, "I'm really
not a touchy-feely kind of person so please don't take offense that
I don't respond well." Most people take it well and if they don't I
use stronger tactics. For me, it gives me the power back in a
situation where I didn't have power before.

As for the eating,
I would be interested in what others have to say.

November 8, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
bel
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 15
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi
Ma, wow I feel the same way when someone touchs me when I am not
expecting it. I like hugs but its really hard for me to give hugs.
I think it stems from our abusive past and being rejected or abused
from the ones we love/loved.

I think the advise
you have been given is the way to go. If your both close friends
she should understand where your coming from.

I have alot of
problems getting close to people and if I do finally get close the
closer I get to them the more I back off. I end relationships
because I dont want to commit to anything because I dont want to
get hurt in the process.

Hope you can
resovle your issue with your friend and enjoy the rest of her visit
with you.

Bel

November 8, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Watermoon
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi
Ma,

I've heard that
when someone touches you it is a power play.

Even someone just
putting their hand on your shoulder it is a way for the person
doing the touching to say nonverbally that they are the strong one
and you are the weak one. Ever since I heard this, I view touch
differently.

regarding the
food: it sounds like you are a recovering alcoholic and you are
having to spend time - a lot of time - with an alcoholic.... this
is triggering your 'alcoholic' self.

compulsive
overeating and restrictive eating are two sides of the same coin -
both are obsessed with food in a different way. If you are
recovering from your stuff and she isn't, it is going to be a
trigger for you. Not sure how you can get around this for this
visit but for the next visit maybe you could talk to her upfront
about how you have issues with food and how food consumption all
over the place can't be happening in your home for you to stay
steady with taking care of yourself on this issue.
-watermoon

November 8, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma,

"Stewpit", cute
and an interesting choice of word coming from one with an eating
diorder and a friend who likes to eat too much...
STEW...

If you can
possibly make it through the visit without saying anything, or
exploding, do it. Your friend will most likey take it the wrong way
and get her feelings hurt. I totally get what your saying, my
Partner is form the New York area and feels the need to "punctuate"
most everything with a touch or a tug on the arm to make sure I am
paying attention. I have grown used to it after 5 years, but still
get aggrivated when he can't walk and talk without stopping me
every few feet and tugging my arm to make a point.

I fear the eating
thing would just hurt her feelings. Take a Xanax and try and hang
in there!!

Cary

November 8, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I
want to thank all of your for your well-thought-out input. Great
wisdom...great suggestions.

Ultimately, I took
a couple of walks (to clear my head) and made a deliberate choice
to "sit on" my triggers and ENJOY HER WITHOUT CENSORSHIP. And (to
my amazement), it worked.

Our final two days
together were peaceful and non-irritating/triggering. I did make a
FEW changes, pre-selecting my seat in restaurants to eliminate any
"thumping" distractions and simply finding an excuse to remove
myself from the room, whenever she was enjoying more snacks. It
worked.

She didn't get her
feelings hurt. And I succeeded in appreciating her for the great
friend she is. I believe that the day will come when I can (gently
and tactfully) share these issues with her in a peaceful,
communicative way, to help her to understand me better. I will wait
for the right opportunities to present themselves for touching on
these two problem areas in my socialization skills.

Thanks again, to
all of you. It sure it wonderful to have all of you covering my
back when I feel overwhelmed or stumble off my recovery
path.

Hugs,

- Ma
Strong

November 8, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma -
I am glad you are doing better. I did not read your post until
today. Sounds like you got some really good input and
support.

I'm not going to
lie, there was a little of an uneasy feeling in me as I read some
it. The way you feel about people overeating is how I assume the
world always view mewhenever I eat anything. Now I only eat 1200 a
day, but I still feel like sometimes people are judging
me.

Anyway, that is my
issue. Glad you enjoyed the rest of the visit and were able to
enjoy spending time with a friend. Sure wish I had a friend to
spend time with now and then.

Praying all goes
well with your surgery. ((((HUGS))))

November 9, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
ailes
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma,
you've given me such good insight in the past, so my heart really
goes out to you.

There is a lot of
"gender" stuff going on in the threads at the moment, and it
tickles me that the guy way of handling it ("Dude, stop touching
me: I don't dig it. What did you think of the game last night...?"
or "Dude, you eat so much it grosses me out, and how many chicks do
you think your gut is gonna pull? Let's hit the gym.") is so much
easier: no offence, no hurt feelings, no hurt feelings about hurt
feelings, no shame, issue sorted. LOL.

Seriously, though,
it surprises me that you would be so reticent about something that
your friend does that makes you uncomfortable. But I'm so pleased
that you found a way to deal with it - good on ya, Ma.

The eating thing:
It's in the past now and I don't know you, so don't take this the
wrong way, and if I'm completely off track, then please ignore it,
but is there a chance that you are in a bit of a codie mode with
her? After all, she has an addiction (food). Your revulsion might
not only have been related to your eating disorder history, but
also your resistance to slipping into the codie pattern. You do
seem to have a healthy relationship with her, though, so not
altogether valid, but maybe something to ponder.

November 9, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Curious -

You are such a
dear friend to me. After reading your posting, I got to thinking
and...a long-buried memory came to me. By "long-buried," I am
talking a good fifty plus years.

When I was a
little girl, my mother "dated" a man who was very influential, very
powerful, helped her a great deal (financially) and was VERY
overweight. He was only about 5'7" and probably weighed about 275+.
Now for the kicker: HE HATED KIDS. Openly. Would sit with my
N-mother and discuss how horrible, disobedient and burdensome we
were. Constantly discussed shipping us (my sister and myself) off
to a boarding school, so they wouldn't have to be bothered with
such dreadful monsters. ALL WITHIN OUR EARSHOT. This would go on,
right at the dinner table.

Needless to say,
my (now deceased) sister and I developed a fear and loathing for
him...AND for all overweight people. How weird is that? My
(extensive) time in therapy has addressed alot of this, but it
could have some definite impact on my eating disorder of
bulimia/anorexia. And why being in the room with someone who is
(from MY warped viewpoint) overeating makes me so agitated and
uneasy.

I sure hope you
don't take MY sick attitude to heart or think that most people view
you in the same, sick way. I have a mental DISORDER, my dear
friend. The problem lies within ME...not within you. And most
people are not sick, like I am. They see you eating and never give
it a second thought cause they aren't screwed up like I
am.

So, if I have hurt
you or triggered painful feelings in you by sharing my messed up
issues here, please, please, please remember that Ma is a messed up
person whose viewpoints on food & eating are NOT NORMAL. And
certainly not connected to you in any way, okay?

Ailes -

Interesting food
for thought about the codependency angle: a subconscious desire to
CONTROL what another person is eating/doing. I think that could
certainly factor in. I am a RECOVERING codie which means all sorts
of urges, traits and tendencies remain lurking under the surface of
my decisions and feelings. One of my friends is a counselor. I plan
to run your insights past her cause I find them so
interesting.

Thanks for
commenting.

- Ma
Strong

November 9, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
curious64
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma -
You didn't hurt me. That is my own illness. I perceive others to
all hate me and my weight the same way I hated my Aunt's weight and
being compared to her.

You are my dear
friend and I know you would never hurt me. My pain comes from my
own long history with body image and food obession.

I'm so sorry for
what you went through with that man. Mothers really need to stop
and think about the people they bring into their children's lives.
That is why I did not date for 15 years. Didn't want to risk
messing my kids up by my poor choice of a man to date.

Hope you are
having a blessed day.

November 9, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma,

I remember before,
on the other post, you talking about how eating was shaped for you
in your childhood, and how eating out was a treat, and how you keep
it simple at home, but binge if you go out to eat.

Now that you are
out of the closet - I think someone else nailed it - it's like
bringing alcohol around a recovering alcoholic....and part of the
issue is your desire to be able to eat what you want, without being
so critical of it. I think you talked about how critical your
family was of overeating. Also, I think since you have the eating
disorder, it indicates that you are unhappy with your own food
choices - and watching someone else triggers that same
compulsions.

I was going to
suggest that until you are stronger, maybe social activities
involving food should be off limits....even if it means no guests
for a while either.

In the end, you
handled it well. It's a touchy subject and there is no easy way to
handle it. BUT - one thing you may consider is that TRUE friends,
close friends, SHOULD know what bugs you - don't put on the happy
face when you are boiling inside...there are tactful ways of
talking about things, and even if it's taken wrong, a true
friendship will weather the storm. It's good practice in
communication, and a true friend will appreciate the
honesty.

November 9, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ma
you have been on my brain and the phrase, "the only stupid question
is the one that isn't asked"...kept tumbling through
too.

Bitsy

January 6, 2011
10:22 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MA, ARE YOU ONLINE, NOT SURE i LIKE THIS FORMAT...WILL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR YOU ON THIS POST.

 

RISING

January 6, 2011
10:36 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rising -

 

Took me two days (and two frantic emails to Tech Support) to figure out how to find everyone and post.  This new format is SO overwhelming.  Hopefully, we will all adjust.  Sure am glad to find you.  I was panic-stricken at the thought of losing contact with those I have grown so close to over the years.  And yes...you are at the top of the list.

 

Have spent part of this morning, attempting to "bump" up the threads for those I love and care about here.  Hopefully, this will help us find one another.

 

-  Ma Strong

January 6, 2011
10:39 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

since it looks like we are going to be able to message eachother....until I get the hang of this...my info....

 

ali Cool 9771 Cool at Cool hotCool(gorgeous)Coolmale

 

hopefully you can find me easier....until we figure this thing out...tried to private message you but it isn't working.

 

I have curious info too...she is desperate to be in touch with you.

 

rising

January 6, 2011
3:00 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Am I allowed to post my email address on my Profile info?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
36
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information