Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
stepdaughter abused--her mom is in denial
August 3, 2007
8:21 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just found out that my stepdaughter, "Robin" agreed to let her ex uncle take some pictures of her. She is just 14. You can guess what kind of pictures they were and they ended up on the internet. Ex uncle is now in prison awaitign trial. Her mom is sort of ooh that's a bad thing. but is not doing anything much about it.beyond that. My husband is enraged. I had to take his wallet and bankcard to keep him from fly out there and trying to beat the guy up.

I've never encountered such a situation before. I know many of you have suffered worse. What kind of problems can we expect R to go through now? How traumatic do you think this experience is. We are trying to decide whether or not to sue for custody and get her down here and totally away from that guy.

August 3, 2007
10:02 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tiger,

Good for you and her that you are trying to figure the repercussions of this situation now instead of waiting.

I think the fact that your step was believed and the perpetrator is serving time is going to go a long way in helping have a healthier reaction to this event that she would have if she just stayed silent about it. I'd suggest putting her in therapy so that she can address her feelings about what happened.

I suspect that this may cause a permanent rift between her mum and her if the mum doesn't see this as a serious issue and doesn't take her a stronger stand for her daughter. If possible, I'd say go ahead with the custody lawsuit. There is no telling what she will be exposed to next.

I wish you all the best. Keep us posted.

August 4, 2007
12:50 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Oh Tiger...

that is a tough one, there is no telling what this is going to do to her, the best thing to do is what Fantas said, therapy is a good start, her mom is a fool if she takes this lightly, therapy could bring up other issues that may or may not have happened. but most of all it will help her to know it was not her fault that this happened, this exact same thing happened to my sister, she finally talked to someone about it when she was an adult, she was an angry person growing up, and it all stemmed from what she went through,

if she wont get her into therapy I would sue for custody, the court will hopefully order therapy or send her to live with her dad.

I wish I knew what to say to help.

hang in there,

Elle

August 5, 2007
12:57 am
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for responding ellehcim and fantas,
My focus is mostly on my husband right now. I am not very close to my stepdaughter. She lives out west with her mother and even during her visits we don't say much. But i am as horrified as anyone that these things can happen.

This whole thing just gets horribler and horribler. It turns out that her mother allowed this ex-husband of her sister to take my stepdaughter on a camping trip ALONE. What kind of mother would allow that????? that's where he took the pictures, fully nudity and who knows what else happened.
The bad thing is that we haven't been able to communitcate with R (stepdaughter)directly. The court has ruled that it is mandatory for her to have couseling. My husband is going to go to his therapist tomorrow to start dealing with his anger on this issue and get some ideas of how we can get in communication with therapists there.

Meanwhile I am locking down our bank account to stop my husband from going out west and taking his anger out on his ex-wife.

My husband does not have legal custody of his children. His son has lived with us all summer and may continue to do so until we get this problem with the stepdaughter straightened out.
Anyway does anyone know what rights a non custodial parent has to be able to get in on counselling of their children?

August 7, 2007
2:28 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been reading some threads about those of you who have survived this with your very own children. You all are so strong.
My questions if her mom has custody, do we have rights to be in on therapy for my stepdaughter?

August 7, 2007
3:25 pm
Avatar
free
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 433
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Tiger Trainer-

to answer your question:

If the mother has SOLE custody (very, very rare) then your husband has no parental rights and so the mother would make all choices.

You say she lives out West- in California Sole custody is almost never granted as it strips a parent of parental rights- there has to have been a crime against the child, or abandonment, or prison, something really major.

Most likely there is joint custody, joint legal and joint physical, with the mother being the primary custodial parent and the father having visitation. This means that yes, you have full access to therapy and full access to medical and school records- every right the mother has regarding this child, your husband has.

Know this, though Tiger Trainer- a therapist isn't going to reveal much about therapy sessions with your stepdaughter to anybody.

Suing for custody of a 14 year old won't be easy. The 14 year old will be appointed her own attorney and is gonna have a very large say in where she lives. You'd have to almost destroy her mother, and if you do that, you are probably certain to destroy your stepdaughter as well.

Fault is not with your stepdaughter's mother. I went camping with my uncle when I was young, and spent the night with him and a few days with him. He was never inappropriate. He was my beloved uncle- friend, teacher, uncle.

The perpetrator is the uncle, and your husband's ex wife is probably mortified that this could happen. She's probably scared of what you will do, and that you will blame her.

Tiger Trainer, the perpetrator is the uncle.

Don't let your husband blame the mother. Kuz if that sinks in, guess what else will? "I knew I should hve sued for custody years ago" "I should have never let us live so far away" etc.- yep, pretty soon, if he isn't already, he's gonna start blaming himself. Then you. then the legal system. Then her.

This is how families get destroyed. The members of the families destroy each other and themselves in blame and guilt.

Almost it seems, forgetting about the perpetrator.

The Uncle.

All anger, frustration, grief, sadness, hostility- DIRECT IT AT THE UNCLE.

The Uncle.

free

August 7, 2007
3:49 pm
Avatar
free
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 433
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Look at your husband's Marital Termination agreement- look on the legal papers for a heading of Custody and then for the box checked "joint legal" and the box checked "joint physical"

I bet it's there.

free

August 7, 2007
8:20 pm
Avatar
soofoo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Amen to everything Free said.

Direct it at The Uncle.

Having to go through a custody battle would just be a lot more stress on an already very severely stressed 14 yr old girl. And your chances of winning are very slim to none anyway. Best not to completely uproot her. Uncle's in jail and can't hurt her now.

Don't forget who did it.

Uncle. Not Mom.

August 7, 2007
8:28 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am sorry you and your husband are going throught this and more so that his 14 year old daughter has.

I think if your husband were to call the court clerk in the town or county where it was ruled on for mandatory counseling and asked how he can support his daughter and what his options may be in all this they will point him in the right direction.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 7, 2007
11:51 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for the advice. Personally I'd rather not have custody of her right now and the legal battle would be expensive and very stressful for all concerned.

I am glad also for the reminder about the uncle. I don't want stepdaughter hurt anymore than she is now. I want guilt given to the guilty party. Not served up in heaping helpings all around.

What I do want is for R. (stepdaughter) to get the therapy she needs. Mom has been very much against therapy in the past.

August 8, 2007
12:06 am
Avatar
free
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 433
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Tiger Trainer~

I'm just so sorry you're going through this.

Hopefully your husband is calming down. going to beat anybody up- let him know that him in jail isn't gonna help anybody- and would only hurt his daughter more. If he does something stupid, she will blame herself for the consequences he will suffer. So will you. Tell him that. He's GOT to keep his head screwed on during this! Everybody needs him to.

sounds like you're the "rock"

hang in there.

free

August 8, 2007
8:37 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for all your good wishes and helping me understand what to do. So many of you are abuse survivors and know much better than I do what to do.

Thank goodness my husband has realized it will not help R. if he blames his ex and gets all upset. Furthermore his son is with us and it is not going to do him any good to see his father and mother attack each other at this time. so husband has decided to put off going up there until he has seen his therapist and talked over his options.

We've talked this whole awful thing over and we've decided that we must put R. first no matter what. So Husband is going to cool his jets but really try to communicate with ex about R.'s therapy. This probably will be impossible but for now all thoughts of revenge and stuff have been tabled. I am so grateful.
Any advice on how to speak to R? Should we bring it up in phone conversatios? or should we just stay out of and pretend it ddidn't happen. So far she hasn't talked to her Dad about it.

August 8, 2007
9:46 pm
Avatar
soofoo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Advice on how to speak to R
I suggest sending an email saying if she wants to talk about it, you're here and a great listener. And if she doesn't want to talk about it, that's okay too. That you won't bring it up, so that she gets to make the decision about if and when she's ready. She may never want to talk about it with Dad and that's got to be okay. It should be discussed only on her terms. Her privacy should be sacred. This will help her to regain what has been violated.

August 10, 2007
11:38 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So C. ( husband) had chatted with his daughter on line today. Not about anything major and THE internet pictures were not mentioned. Husband's therapist said to leave it up to R. whether to bring up the subject or not. Still no word on whether mom will bring R. to counselling or not.

Next questions. What should we tell R's brother who is living with us? He is sixteen and a good boy but he hates is sister with a passion. One reason why he is with us. What do you think? Tell him or not?

August 13, 2007
5:15 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
August 13, 2007
11:14 pm
Avatar
free
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 433
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi Tiger

I've been thinking about this. I say not, especially since he hates her with a passion. I just don't think he's gonna have much compassion for the situation or be supportive in any way.

Why does he hate his sister with a passion? Siblings rival, but it's not usually so intense that one leaves the house.

free

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information