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Stepdads Suck
June 26, 2005
4:49 pm
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hopeinhim
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I am wondering if anybody has had a good stepfather experience?

I am so frustrated with my husband. It looked like he finally was going to start talking about childhood abuse in counseling and start doing some good work - and then today he acts like he hates my kids. Especially my 7 yr. old daughter.

She was banging on the door because his daughter (my stepdaughter) was not letting her in. Her behavior was inappropriate - but, he storms over there and grabs her by the face and I would not say yelled - but talked in a very mean voice.

He then escorted her to her room and she fell down, he proceeded to pull her up and a scab she had on her shin opened up and was bleeding all the way down her leg.

He then picks on her the next couple of hours he is home - put this away, pick this up, if I have to tell you to do something again you will be in trouble.

Hmmmmmm really realistic that you will never need to remind a child to do something.

I know the police and CPS would not do anything about the above described incident - but, the emotional damage is huge.

June 26, 2005
6:16 pm
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exoticflower
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My stepmother was a terrible person, but I think that is because my father is a codependent, as well as a subtle emotional abuser, and feels best with severely disturbed woman--I love him dearly, but he has more emotional control and voctom issues than anyone I have ever known.

HOWEVER, that is me. My best frined, on the other hanmd, married a man who is a wonderful stepfather--he loves the girls, not as a father, but as a stepfather. He never tries to be their father, but is always aware of his male influence on them and that what they see is what they learn. He treats her well, is firm with them, but loving, is constantly aware that they both have seperate sets of family rights to my friend, and that they are not old enough to be the ones to compromise and always does himself, understands that all of his financial contributions are volentary and never throws them in anyones face, an more than anything else that stands out, I am amazed to see how much he genuinely loves these little girls, they are a surprising new world to him--he expected stepchildren, and got two little girls that he loves as much as his own and amaze him constantly. If it helps, those guys are out there. And I mentioned my father to illustrate that also, who you let in your lifwe is who shares it with you. If you want healthy, you can have it, if you don't you dont.

June 26, 2005
7:20 pm
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Zinnie
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My husband is a step-father, and in the case of the two youngest children, for one he very vaguely remembers his natural Dad, and for the other she has no memory at all - so my husband is the only one they have ever known.

He has taken them on as his own. They call him Dad sometimes, or sometimes by his name - and he has never pushed it to be anything other what they are comfortable with.

I was unable to give him children of his own, and even if I had been able to; he loves these ones as if he were their biological father. He proudly walked both daughters down the aisle when they got married, and is a loving Father and a loving and fun Grand-Father to the grandchildren.

It can be done, but it does take work - on all parts. The kids did not accept him 100% on day one, nor would I have asked or expected them to. They got to know each other over a matter of time.

Because of the situation with my one daughter, and her court case - while it was in trial, he stayed by her side every step of the way and they are now closer than ever. She calls him every single day and they talk - there are days when I might not talk to her, but she will make that effort to call him to "say hi"."

It does sound as if your husband is acting rather childish and I have to ask - does he act like this towards his own children? You mention wanting to call CPS and the police. Is that really necessary? Do you feel that he was abusive in the situation, or just acting like a spoiled child himself? Would the family benefit from counseling?

I guess, ultimately, what are you hoping to achieve?

Z.

June 26, 2005
10:56 pm
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hopeinhim
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I guess I am deciding if I should leave him.

He treats his own girls WAY differently.

Our littlest he treats like a queen- I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to get her if she does not sleep through - he practically leaps out of bed with bells on.

Both of his step-children do not see their dad - he has abandoned them. He is even more unhealthy than my husband.

My daughter does not remember her dad, but my son does a little more.

Basically since three and four years of age he has been their dad.

If I left him he probably would not really miss them or want visitation except with the one year old.

We are in counseling.

June 26, 2005
11:04 pm
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hopeinhim
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Another thought -

Not all stepdads suck and I am intelligent to know that and also know better than to make a blanket statement like that.

But, my 13 year old stepdaughter is out and her stepdad is mean to her, then my kids get treated badly and very different from the bio kids from my husband and I don't expect it to be the same.....but, come on! He works with kids for a living.....then at home he can turn into Mr. Hyde.

Has anyone have success stories of recognizing and dealing with past abuse and in turn stopping it in the next generation?

I am not talking about certifiable sexual and physical abuse - stuff like conditional love, criticism, stonewalling, etc.

June 27, 2005
11:14 am
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revelation
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Hello Hope...
My borther is a step-dad!!!
Now, of course you might think that because he is my brother I am biased, but I think he's doing great.
My brother has three kids from his first marraige. His first wife is an alcoholic and that comes with its own set of problems. I could write a book on the horrible experiences she has put us as a family thru. My brother was at one stage of their seperation contemplating suicide. It took him 7 years of court-cases and custody hearings to get full custody of his three kids (Two boys now 18 and 15, one girl age 11). It was worth it as they have turned out to be lovely kids despite their shakey start with their mother. My brother is now re-married to my lovely new sister-in-law, she has a 13 year old daughter...you would think that it was a hard integration of these two families, and it hasn't been easy, but the key is just patience and love I think. My brother and his wife treat each child fairly and equally and they both have an interest in each childs life/friends/education and future.

As for success stories on past abuse in future generations. Well, my brother and my sister were treated the same way as I was as a child, both have children now, both have no problem showing affections and delibrately steer away from using kids as pawns and manipulating them as my mother did with us.

June 27, 2005
11:53 am
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noesamor
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Hi, Hopeinhim:

It sounds like your concern for your husband's treatment of your little daughter is warranted. No 7-year-old should be treated like that.

I had step-parents on both sides during my childhood, and had no good experiences with either the step mothers or step fathers. This may be why I divorced my husband when my 2 grown sons were 3 years old and 6 weeks old and never remarried.

My educational background is in behavioral sciences, and I took a 6-credit class in Domestic Violence. Did you know that most abused children are abused at the hands of their mother's husbands (stepfathers) or boyfriends?

It would be a good idea if you discipline your daughter yourself, and allow him to discipline his daughter.

In any case, be sure to protect your daughter and her precious self-esteem, and good luck.

June 27, 2005
12:01 pm
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Randomwomen2
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that sounds right i was severly abused by my ex step father i know that there are good ones out there but i have no experience with them

January 13, 2009
1:05 pm
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violet138
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i am a mother of two and have been living at home with my mom and my stepdad for 5 months about a week ago my stepdad came in my room early in the morning before i was awake he didnt do anything but it made me very uncomfortable i was like a scared little girl and i couldnt move or say anything. this has proceded to happen almost every morning sence. the last time he came in my room he tuched me in the crouch area and i made a make shift lock on my door with string i freeze up and move aroud like i am going to wake up and he leaves me alone and shuts my door. i have no where to go. and i dont have anyone to talk to about this stuff i cant tell my mom i have no friends because i just moved here i just dont know what to do i dont think my mom would believe me if i did tell her any advise would help thanks for letting me get this off my chest

January 13, 2009
1:07 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Tell somebody and start with your mother. If he is coming in your room touching you is he going in your children's room and touching them.

Bitsy

January 13, 2009
1:16 pm
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violet138
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my kids are in the same room as me and i would kill him if he tuched my kids why cant i defend myself i am just in a really bad place right now and i have more problems than just this one. i cant sleep and i feel like i am going to puke all the time and he tries to still be normal. he has to know i know because of my lock and it works for now

January 13, 2009
1:36 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Then the next time he comes in your room sit straight up in bed like you have just awoken and scream to peel the paint. If your mother catches him red-handed she can't deny it.

Bitsy

January 13, 2009
1:37 pm
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atalose
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My best guess is you can’t defend yourself because in doing so your mother would hear you and find out.

So why the big fear of your mother not believing you? Why are you protecting her at the risk to yourself and your children?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 13, 2009
1:48 pm
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violet138
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i dont know i think i have been abused before this or it would seem so but i cant remember i think i am going to try the screaming thing that seems like the best idea so far i have get back to work so thank you for talking to me

January 13, 2009
1:58 pm
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atalose
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Yes the screaming will work but I would really like for you to think about what your fear is with your mother and telling her about this?

If you think you have been abused in the past, do you blame your mother, do you think she knew and did nothing about it?

Why the big fear of your mother?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 13, 2009
2:22 pm
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violet138
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i think it is because me my kids and my mother live in his house. and i dont want to hurt my mom. my sister died about 5 years ago. it was 5 days after my 1st son was born. my mother doesnt need to be hurt anymore. there have been a few years that we (my mother and i) didnt talk to each other and i that time she got in to a really bad car accident and i think it kind of made her snap out of it(losing my sister) but she is heavly medicated with trankwalizers for her angzity and depresion. and my step dad has been a good guy up to this point. i just think she would reather lose me again than to deal with the fact that her husband is a jack ass. i dont know what do you think?

January 13, 2009
3:07 pm
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bevdee
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You won't know unless you tell her somehow. Maybe you could try this first - reach out and pound his crotch with your fist or elbow before you scream. Or if he gets on top of you, knee or kick him in the nuts. HARD. Then roll away and scream. You can say you thought a rapist had broken into the house.

January 13, 2009
3:57 pm
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bevdee
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I'm pretty sure the knee in the nuts will stop him quicker than praying to an HP. Knee his nuts.

January 13, 2009
4:14 pm
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atalose
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Violet,

As a mother I think I’d be more hurt to find out my child didn’t tell me when something of this magnitude was happening. It’s admirable of you for not wanting to hurt your mother but she may be more hurt by you remaining silent and then the sh*t hits the wall.

If you tell her and your fear of her not believing you happens then I’d suggest you along with your kids move out. I’d begin to look into that now as part of a plan in the event you need to.

I see in one of your posts you work? Are your children alone with this man for any part of the day? Does your

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 14, 2009
10:05 am
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SpecialK
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Violet, I would cut your losses and get out of there with your kids. Perhaps a women's center/shelter would help you if you've nowhere to go?

January 15, 2009
12:34 pm
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violet138
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well thank you all so much for your words um to answer so of your questions i am 26 years old my kids are never alone with this man and there are both boys not that that would stop him from doing anything to them i am a attending colloge at this tim and i dont work. i have been homeless before and the only problem i have with that is that i dont want to subject my kids to my problems i have bought a better lock for my door and i am pretty sure that he hasnt tryed to come in my room for the past few days maybe he got the point. i hope so and i have found so people to talk to about this. one of my ex boyfriends(the one that got away) has made plans to come and see me and have a little chat with him about all of this i dont know if that is the best thing to do but he is a pretty big and intimidating. i really want to thank all of you again it makes me feel a little better to talk about all this stuff

January 15, 2009
12:59 pm
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SpecialK
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I'd just be concerned that your ex would get into trouble for trying to stick up for you. Normally I'd suggest someone try to stick it out if their parents were giving them a place to stay while at school, but not if you and your kids have to run the risk of a stepfather touching you. I had that problem in high school, and I chose to leave, even though it meant being labeled a problem kid, going into residential treatment for behavior problems I did not have, and graduating with a bare-bones diploma rather than the honors one I could have had. Still, it was worth my not being sexually assaulted. How far along in school are you?

January 15, 2009
2:23 pm
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violet138
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i am in a refresher corse for my GED and i am taking a typing class and a job readyness class it is really hard to consintrate right now though and sorry about my spelling but i have bigger problems than my spelling so i really have felt alot better talking about this and now that i have a lock on my door. my ex is very protective and i told him that it was not his responsiblity to take care of me. and he said that he couldnt stand back and let something like this happen to me. i dont think he really cares if he gets in troble for it i do know that i need to stand up for myself and i am a very confident person normal, but this is an issue that is hard for me and i dont really understand it i have had friends that have been it this position. but this was when they where 4 years old till 12 years old and i was the one that told her mom because she couldnt, now i get why she couldnt. and i have talk to her about all that is going on. she is still a scared little girl when it comes down to it. and she has had a hard life' she just finished rehab and she just found out she is pregnant, so i dont think i should invalve her in my crap i dont want to bring up that hurt for her agsin. so i dont know

January 16, 2009
1:28 am
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havefaith
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Sound like you have a lot on your shoulders. AS SOON AS YOU CAN STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET get out of there. The price you and your children are paying emotionally far exceed what you are 'saving' by living with them.
It doesn't sound like you have many healthy relationships. A healthy relationship means that the two people are HONEST and COMMUNICATE. There is trust, sincerity, and support.
I think these perverts are spineless, and EXPECT you not to say anything. If you actually get the nerve to calmly say that you are aware of what he's doing, and that even though you appreciate his letting you stay there for now, his behaviors are still unacceptable and very WRONG.
Conflict avoiding is not a healthy way to cope. If you want a chance of peace and happiness you would benefit from counseling too...
Good luck.

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