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STEP CHILDREN issues.... again!
April 8, 2009
11:07 am
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caraway
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tbt,

You are right. I wonder what it is about human nature, or codependency, or whatever it is; that makes these kind of decisions so tough. I am not afraid that I won't meet someone else, I have never allowed anyone to take care of me and always had a good job. So, why can't I just accept that this isn't good for me?

I would like to be able to say, "you are a nice man and I want you to be happy, but it isn't going to be with me." Bottom line is, I just don't like or respect his daughter and the thought of having to spend all of my holidays and other times with her just makes me feel dread.

If I accepted it and decided to do my own thing on holidays, that would mean spending times that should be about partners and family separated.

It makes me feel weak to not be able to cut ties and do what is best for me.

Cary

April 9, 2009
1:09 pm
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Hi Cary,

Been thinking about you honey. Hope your doing ok ? Here to listen if you need to talk.

tb

April 9, 2009
2:54 pm
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caraway
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Terri,

Thanks! I am ok. Another friend has committed suicide, the second in 3 months. These guys didn't know each other but I feel certain the second got the idea from hearing mutual friends talk about it.

First one, I'll call Bob, was 57 and his business had all but dried up because of the economy and he was alone, etc.

Second (last night), would have celebrated his 40th anniversary with his partner in a few weeks. They met in Viet Nam and have been together since. I am told that he was fearful that he was showing early signs of Alzhemier's and just could handle it. They had taken care of his mother as she suffered with this. He was in his early 70's.

Just seems that there is bad news all around.

Cary

April 9, 2009
4:49 pm
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CAMER
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((cary))) that is awful news, 2 people you know taking thier lives......sigh, as bad as the economy and world seems today, adding this to everything doesn't make life much easier.

(((hugs your way))))

April 9, 2009
4:56 pm
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((( Cary ))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. My father committed suicide when I was 16. I know first hand how tragic, it can be. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I. How well did you know them ? Where they really close freinds to you? I'm hear if you want to talk. Or vent, or cry or get your mind off it for a little while I understand. Was there any warning? Like making threats, or was it just a shock...?

April 9, 2009
6:21 pm
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(((Bro))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends, I certainly understand how it feels to lose a friend to suicide. It's so difficult to comprehend, and so had for those they leave behind that care and love them so much.

I'm glad you talked to your partner this past weekend... maybe you should tell him that you need time to yourself and to go away by yourself, that way you can give to yourself. You know deep down inside what to do, and all, so I can't say much, but most importantly the only thing we can do before we can take on anymore is to take care of ourselves, love yourself, give to yourself, so that you can care for others without those restraints of what (if's) if you know what I'm saying.

I'm thinking of you during this difficult time, but take that time little bro... you deserve it!

Healing and Peace

April 9, 2009
6:24 pm
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bonni
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As often as I wish that my children were different, more thoughtful, kinder, quieter, more studious, they are who they are. There is place inside me that wants to just walk away. But I don't. I won't. Because I am responsible for their every fault. They are the product of my poor parenting, my many mistakes. I gave them life, I took them to raise. They are my burden to bear.

On good days, they are sweet and kind and thoughtful. They are still young, dependent on me. I can't imagine ever turning my back on them, because I am responsible for them. I wouldn't choose anyone else over my own children, no matter how rotten they can be. I hope in the years I have left, I do better, but even if I fail, they will still be my children, my responsibility and my cross to bear.

I hope that makes sense.

bonni

April 9, 2009
6:27 pm
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truthBtold
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((((Cary))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

April 9, 2009
9:59 pm
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Cary,

I am just so sorry to hear of the tragic deaths of your two friends. My thoughts are with you (and their loved ones) at this time. I can't even begin to imagine the grief that you all must be experiencing right now.

(((cary)))

sad

April 10, 2009
9:35 am
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caraway
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Sis,Camer, Terri, Truth, Sad, Bonni,

Thank you all for your care and concern. I am sure folks who haven't been on this site could never understand how "real" it is to have women like you to take the time to listen and give honest feedback and support when needed. I think in many ways I am getting something that I didn't know I needed, something I didn't get from my Mother, from you. I respect your opinions, honor your intelligence, and willings to share.

I went over to the house last night and it really was a sad event. Two people who had some many friends, a very nice life, and now it's gone. Depression is an awful illness and it seems the term is so overused these days that many don't take it seriously. The surviving partner is just lost and I am sure beating himself up about what may have been done to prevent this. There were no prior threats of suicide, just dispair.

I like to give all of you a big bear hug today and tell you that I love and honor you!

cary

April 10, 2009
9:39 am
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caraway
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bonni,

It makes perfect sense. I don't know if I have heard anyone, a Mother, state it so clearly and take responsibility for her part in the results. None of us is perfect and I think sometimes children need to hear that.

What you said also adresses the root of my problem; these are not my children and they never will be. We will never have the bond that a parent and child share. I see clearly the manipulation, hurt feelings, and it isn't so easy to accept and forgive.

Thanks for sharing and telling it like it is.

Cary

April 10, 2009
11:42 am
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Dear Caraway,

You and I go back a long ways on these threads and I have quite a strong affection for you, as well as respect.

I am deeply sorry to learn of your friend's suicide. His partner must be completely devastated (and will be for a long time to come).

And you are facing such a tough dilemma with your partner and his adult children. I have followed this thread, although I did not post. But let me share my own thoughts, if they will help.

When we love someone and live with them, we take on their family...like it or not. There are no two ways about it. I have seen many relationships DESTROYED because of difficult, unreasonable, frustrating or manipulative family members, spoiling the holidays, draining the couple's finances, etc. It is a no-win situation. If you remain with him, fully committed and living with him...you are taking on his family. This means every holiday, every birthday, every crisis which they dump in his lap.

If he is unable to maintain healthy boundaries with these young people (and it sounds like he can't), then you will have to share the consequences with him. And it sounds as if you dread that. Rightfully so.

I do feel badly for you. This is a painful mess with no clear solution...at least, no solution that will keep you with him WITHOUT the stress of his unhealthy relationship with his adult kids affecting you, personally.

I agree with other posters that this might be a good time for you to step back, take a brief holiday by yourself...give yourself some alone time to reflect, consider and rest. You need a clear head and a peaceful heart.

Wishing you the best and giving you my heartfelt condolences over the death of your friend...

- Ma Strong

April 10, 2009
2:27 pm
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caraway
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Ma,

Thank you for the kind words and concern; it means a lot to me. I am so emotional today that seeing these post today have brought some stuff up and out that I guess needed to come to the surface.

I agree with you and have been thinking all day of how and when to make a break. I know that he will see it as the beginning of the end when I ask for more space. I have limited my time together this week and he gets very anxious when I break routine; never jealous, just uneasy.

Kids are in town this weekend for Easter and he is manuvering for time with them, but can't get a commitment. We have plans to go out of town to an event he wanted to attend and got tickets for, but now he is changing plans to try and work around their schedule and they won't even pick a time, or just say they can't do it. I get angry because it hurts his feelings and is a big inconvenience to me; I never know that changes aren't going to cahnge at the last minute. I am flexiable when things come up that can't be helped, but these are always situations that are due selfish behavior.

The challenge is, you love and care for someone but realize you are beginning to disrespect and resent them for not being stronger. I think for a long time now I have hoped that we would have some awful fight and the anger would give me the motivation to make the break. I dread running in to him and getting through the awkward "in between time."

I truly appreciate you and the thought you have given this. I have learned something about people and myself through all of this. I was so quick to assume that if I differed in opinion from someone here, and in life that we couldn't really support one another. Not true.

Cary

April 19, 2009
1:03 pm
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_anonymous
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Caraway- Hi. I definitly feel your pain and frustration that you are going through with So they say beating you over the head with the Bible condemning your sexual orientation.

My advice to you is read the Guidelines, site the words this person has used to judge you and send an email to the SC.

Keep on standing up for yourself and your right not to be discriminated against.

April 19, 2009
1:56 pm
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Destiny -

I don't think it is wisdom to carry a debate from the "Libs" side over to the support side.

Just my take on it...

Besides, Caraway has been on these threads long enough to know how/when he can take issue with the SC, regarding any poster who is out of line.

- Ma Strong

April 20, 2009
1:02 am
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Ma- OK. I will take your advice. Wont mention it again.

I looked back on my earlier posts when you would give me advice. I'll be darned if everything you told me didnt turn out to be tru. The reason why I am re-reading them is to remind myself to never go down that path again.

Did you work out things with your house? I didnt get any deals from my lender they added 10 thousand to my balance and increased my payments 100 more per month.

Do you talk to your neighbor in rehab? My divorce was final this month and I have lost interest in my X. Dont have any hard feelings. Learned my lesson.

Living a peaceful life.

Destiny

April 20, 2009
8:59 am
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caraway
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Destiny,

Thanks for thinking of me. I am not going to have any more conversation with that person. It would have to be something really intense for me to involve the SC. I feel bad about all of the heat he/she has been getting lately.

Cary

April 20, 2009
3:26 pm
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Caraway I am not going to address this person either. I agree with everything you said about the poster. I dont think much of anyone that insults homosexuals. I dont think that this type of thing is in the spirit of this forum IMHO. Hope all is well with you!

April 20, 2009
3:34 pm
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Caraway- What I like most about you is your sensible demeanor. Back at the ranch I havent been keeping up but what ever did happen with your partner and his kids? I threw the baby out with the bath water. Divorced my husband and I guess that solved the step kid issue. But, I am close to his oldest daughter. I dont know if you have any advice in the loan modification world. You are good in that area. When it came to minding the store I think I fell asleep at the wheel, but woke up and have been putting things back in order.

Stay just the way U R,

Destiny

April 20, 2009
4:46 pm
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caraway
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Destiny,

I am hanging in there for now. I guess there is something that I need to learn from this experience with the kids.

Loan modification? I am assuming you are talking about some of the new programs that are out there? I am not really up on those, but I hear there are some good options. Contact your lender first and then look for a number for federal assit. No need to be hard on yourself; I like the saying, "yesterday ended last night."

Stay strong,

Cary

April 20, 2009
10:06 pm
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Cary- Hanging in there. Your a good guy and willing to learn something makes you even better.

My lender gave me a loan modification that added the amount that I didnt pay onto the loan i.e. I owed $18 now I owe $30 being the second and third digits of the amount. Same percent 6.25 same term 40 years. The payment went up $100.00. I took it to stop them from filing foreclosure. But now I am in a safe harbor what else can I do to get these payments down? Anything? My payment is a little less than half of what I bring in every month. Of course my home is worth less then what I owe a lot less. Thank you for your time.

April 21, 2009
9:29 am
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caraway
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Destiny,

Sounds like you are on the right track and if you can hang on for a year or two things will improve and the value of your house WILL come back up. Probably be better to refi at that point and get a rate in the 4.00 to 5.00 range.

This really isn't my area specifically but I am around it everyday.

I know that it is something that is on your mind daily and the stress must be wearing on you.

How are you feeling about everything else these days?

Cary

April 21, 2009
11:33 am
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Caraway- What I liked about you're thread regarding step children is it hit home. Believe it or not I could deal with the beer drinking, drug taking, pot smoking, cause I knew it was a choice and had the potential to be resolved. But, the step kid issue that I was dealing with and the fact that all the nonsense that went along with it was a priority in his life, etc etc etc was a deal breaker. It was the deciding factor when I finalized the divorce. I confronted him with it and instead of responding with a I will put you first and will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesnt interfere with our lives he raged back. What made it more absurd is there is a no contact order between him and her cause of all of her accusations against him. Part of me getting better was letting go of the control, realizing that it was making my life unmanageable, and walking away which led me to the serene place I am today. I am still on good terms with the man and wish him all the luck with his situation. But, it wasnt for me.

You are and extremly smart man to be minding the store so to speak by controlling the finances. It is so damn important. I mean what keeps a roof over our head, food in our mouth and clothes on our back? The all mighty $$$.

Your advice about my home was excellent I will be marking off the days until I get to the 2 year point (LOL).

Since I restored my life to where it was before I allowed my self to enter the land of an alcoholic, addicts toxic hell, things have been better than ever. Calm, peaceful, downright beautiful. I am attracting healthy people.

Again I give you credit for doing what I couldnt do along the step kid issues. Emotionally how are you dealing with it?

April 21, 2009
2:26 pm
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caraway
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Destiny,

Today I am handling things pretty well, but tomorrow? We have reached a compromise of sorts, he now consults me before agreeing to do anything finacially for them. I think in many ways he agreed with me all along about the abuse, but the ex would always yell and shame him if he didn't give her/them what they wanted. I have tried to encourage, and explain that loving someone does not always mean saying yes and giving them what they demand (me included).

He felt used and embarrassed to admit that they easily cancelled plans, forgot to call on birthdays, fathers days, etc., and gave little consideration to his life in general. I am still on the fence, but have set up some clear boundaries.

I believe a parent of adult children should only provide the financial support they choose to and it is a gift, not an entitlement. I also believe that a Father who has been devoted, loving, and adoring should be respected; that he has earned it.

Sounds like you have come a long way in your journey and have much happiness to look forward to.

Cary

April 22, 2009
11:22 pm
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truthBtold
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Cary,

This is the first time since I have logged on given the Libs Side drama (my own part of that notwithstanding.)

When I first read your message about the step kids - it rang true to something in my own life, so I decided to just google: - "Adult children sense of entitlement" and came up with the following links:

http://parentingmethods.suite1.....to_grow_up

http://www.tellinitlikeitis.ne.....nt-us.html

(I am sure that you are savy enough to know how to copy/past to your browser.)

Anyway, to my heart and mind - there just seems to be this general, indifferent, blanket sense of entitlement - you know?

Especially by young americans....but as adults we are not excused either!

The more I probe, the more I realize that this flimsy model now longer foots the bill.

(Did it really ever?)

I suppose at one time, we WERE considered to be the most powerful nation on the planet - but you know what - no more.

This 'natural' sense of entitlement is just no more.

Not in reality.

Not when I watch PBS "Frontline" on human trafficking and find that this atrocity is third...THIRD in the US behind drugs and guns - yet who could tell when I watch "The View" and all of those ladies criticize all of the wrongs that are going on in the rest of the world and how they/we sit upon our high horse and proclaim and profess how utterly revolting it is that 'other nations' could DO such a thing when really - it is happening in our own back yards right here in the good ole US of A - and we just don't have a fricking clue!!!!!!

Don't wanna know - really.

(What is that wonderful line from the "Amercian Beauty" movie: "Never underestimate the power of denial.")

Right?????

Lends itself (trickles down) to this fluffy and lofty sense of entitlement left over from the US fricking 1950's and that somehow....this American culture has somehow confused the recent bullshit of commercials on what should just be the "American Way Of Life" with stark reality - you know?

Anericans, by and large, I am just now starting to figure out have been really mis-lead (to put it mildly.)

So, what more should we expect from our spoiled, entitlement-seeking offspring as a result?

You know?

It's all screwed up!

To my heart and mind, everything occurs on a cycle...the 50's and 60's were pretty much the peak. Don't know when and if it will ever get back to that level considering the greed nowadays.

Which makes me think - you know there is (kind of a normal - kept in check...) kind of greed.....kind of marginally accepted as just the human condition of sorts.... Then there is just crazy, wild, unbridled greed of late.

So now, we are here as Americans are trying to gain some sense of order, some sense of stability, some kind of true grounding as to our own limitations and mis-given corporate loyalities and trust gone astray and kind of find ourselves lost in a way.

To a large extent, we bit off more than we could chew. But - by the same token - what propelled (brain-washed) us to thinking that we actually deserved more than we could afford?

Is it no wonder that this generation coming up is equally lost and confused??????????

Mistaking and substituting such empty technology such as text messages and twitter and facebook and my sapce for what is truly important?

(That being something that the capitalists can't make any money off of....you know - the basics - to just love and be loved.)

For ALL of us.

(Yet, though they sure as hell try don't they to substitute?)

That is afterall what everyone wants and needs.....

Bottom line.

(Anyways, Lawd.....so sorry for the obvious rant....)

whew and sigh.......

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