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STBX Finally Out but feeling uneasy-Help
February 26, 2007
11:12 am
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curlybrown
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Well, if anyone has every read my story I was/am in an emotional abusive relationship. I started seeking help for myself and found out that I was codependant/enabler to my spouse. I started following my therapists suggestions and taking ownership for my own actions and that its okay to say no and NO MORE. She told me at the last session (after my husband had gotten books stating he was walking on eggshells and I have BPD) that he was the one w/the disorder and we went through all the characteristics and low and behold he is the one with the disorder and a narcist (wasn't surprised since I read alot about it prior). Well she told me to tell him when I went home that I was getting the help that I needed and he needed to do the same if he wanted the marriage to work. At first he said ok and then proceeded to say that he would get help but not to be with me. I told him that he made his decision and that we needed to work on going our separate ways. He left that night (Wed.). Went back to the house on Friday and took his "necessities". I told him that I would start the process of closing the joint acct, cell phones, etc. He cried and said it was too much for him to handle and couldn't talk to me as he would be back in the hospital if he did. He has cut himself in the past and of course- blamed me for it, which I have told him he needs to take ownership for his own actions. Oh and all he could tell me was that "He was sorry that I was hurt!"

We also own a motorcycle in both our names and I told him that he needed to either sell it or refinance it under his name as I don't want my credit affected. He said he was putting it in the paper to sell it this week. Well, I'll be closing bank account tomorrow, inquiring on how to remove his name from car insurance, separating cell phone bills (he checks my bill to this day and calls the numbers to see who I'm speaking too!)

My garage is full with his items that I can't park my car in there and its a TWO-CAR Garage! He has asked me to wait until he can get storage. He also has left 1/2 of his clothes at the house.

What should I do? What time limitations should I give him to get his stuff? Also, should I pack it all or let him do it?

I did want this marriage to work out so bad and am so sad that he decided not to work on himself. I am happy that I got my answer 2 years into the marriage instead of 20.

Another note, he had been out of the house every wknd for the past month as he stated he could no longer stand the silent treatment and me continuing to be angry at him.

February 26, 2007
1:30 pm
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nvr2late
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curly brown..
wow...looks like a decision was made and you are sticking to it..good for you!!!

since it is a VERY difficult decision to make..you seem to moving forward with it and that probably scares him.

if his stuff is in the garage, give him a month to get it out.
and start changing the accounts to make this much easier if you are going to divorce.
and you are lucky..I stayed in my abusive relationship for 15 years!

so, maybe you did not waste too much time! but it still is not easy...2 or 20 years are tough to get over!!!

my prayers are with you!

nvr

February 26, 2007
1:44 pm
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nappy
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Curly, good for you. That what it feel like once you realize that you are codependent and the healing will begin. Mens even though they think that they want to leave, will somehow leave something there at the house so that they can come back.
I had that happen to me but I didn't wait until he came back because if it was up to him, the house door would be a revolving door to him so I had to stop that one real quick. He was shock to see his stuff pack and waiting outside on the side of the house for him to pick up. Once you made that decision to leave, then you should be gone. There is no coming back, coming back for what? To try again when all that it does it lead right back to the same problems. Then we are asking ourselves why things are not working when we already know the answers. You doing the right thing and then maybe after time goes by, you will be telling us how great that you feel about yourself.

February 26, 2007
2:03 pm
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curlybrown
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So what time limits do I give him to get his stuff? I also want to make sure he sells the motorcycle that way it doesn't affect my credit if he doesn't make payments. Since he was never good at making payments.

Also, do I pack everything that is inside the house that's his?

February 26, 2007
2:06 pm
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thedogsmom
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Wow- I'm so very proud of you for doing what you need to do for yourself- to preserve your sanity. I have not been able to do the same and have the same questions that you ask with no answers that I can live with..

"what should I do? what time limit should I give him? should I pack for him or let him do it all???

I'm reading here trying to get the answers. It is not easy to give up on a marriage and the dreams that came along with it. It is not easy to quit and hold your ground when the man is crying and you see him hurting. But it takes TWO to make things work and looks like only you are the one that was willing to seek help and work on the relationship.

Breaking up ranks high on the list of stress factors. It HURTS so bad--especially if there is love still there in your heart. But stick to your guns and choose peace and happiness. Help me to be stronger and follow in your path of letting go.
TDM

February 26, 2007
2:15 pm
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nappy
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I can't tell you what time frame to give him, it is really up to you if you want to keep seeing his stuff there at the house and if you want him to keep coming by for something.
I'm just saying that if it was me, I would pack up all of his stuff and tell him that it is pack up and make sure that you have it somewhere that he could just come and get it then to keep trying to get in contact with you about his stuff. I know that this is hard but you can't be the only one working on this relationship and he is not trying. Yes he is going to cry and cry until he break you from you wanting to let go. Then he will act right for a moment then he will be right back to being that same person that you don't like. It is like a game and when people finally wake up to the fact that this is a game of making it or breaking it, then everyone will be alright.
I know how you feel and I am glad also that it didn't take me 20 years plus just to figure out that this relationship wasn't working and that I will be still stuck after 20 years of complaining about this same person that I should of let go years ago. Life is not a game to be played with and I don't think that people should be stuck with someone and they are not happy. I don't think that people should spend there whole life trying to make someone else happy and keep trying at something that is just not working. It is so easy to leave but it is so hard to come back because the person that you left has just got a knock on the head to say that you know what, maybe it is time for a change to get to know me not trying to keep on fixing and fixing and nothing is getting fix. I think you are doing the right thing for you and I will be on here to support you.
Love
Nappy!

February 26, 2007
4:11 pm
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curlybrown
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Thanks everyone for your support and encouraging words.

I don't think he will come by for stuff as he told me "it hurts too much to even speak to you- and I'll just go back into the hospital".

I will pack up his stuff when my son isn't around and take all the pictures down from the walls- that'll be the hard part that I'm not looking forward to.

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