Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Stay or go?
January 22, 2001
10:51 pm
Avatar
jwt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lewis and guest_guest

Counseling? Here is my fear. I have a lot of problems, sexual and otherwise, many go all the way back to early childhood. I know I am still affected by these problems. I cannot possibly go into them face to face with a counselor. How do I get to the bottom of these problems unless I am willing to do that?

Molly:

I can't really argue with anything you said. I guess it all looks pretty sleazy. Maybe it is. From the inside, it looks like a self-made hell. I guess that is what we deserve when we do something wrong.

In my case, what I did wrong was fall in love. To make it worse, I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. It took 45 years for me to make this mistake and I don't think I ever really saw it coming. I met someone who was alive inside and made me feel alive too. She may be using me and no one should believe anything she says. But, I have heard a lot about her life. I do believe her when she tells me that I am the first person to really believe in her and to show her how to believe in herself. This may prove to be the biggest mistake of my life. But, for once in 45 years, I felt alive for a little while and I helped someone see the good in themself. I don't think I will ever regret that.

jec:

I can see why this is personal to you. I am way too screwed up to give advice and I am the last person to understand love right now. I am not sure that love and marrage are as clear cut as some here make it sound. And, I don't think counseling can make you fall in love or back in love with anyone.

January 22, 2001
10:53 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jec...

What do you think? You do not go on with a man who does not love you. Where can you possibly go? Into the depths of LOW self-esteem?

If he has said he is not in love with you, it hurts like hell, but all that hurt and tears will not change him. It certainly wont make you more attractive to him. Here's what might.

Tell him you need to move on with your life. No more spending his life at your house.

DO NOT FORGET....he left you for another woman, he hurt you terribly, he violated your trust, he made you feel like crap. Now, he is just leading you on, keeping your head spinning, he loves you but not in love with you. You do not do that to someone you love.

Get a life going without him. You are allowing him to call the shots in your life. Dont give him that power. Tell him you are moving on and then do it. Whatever it takes. He may find that the motivation he needs to get some sort of counselling, try to make amends with you, may see that he actually is in love with you once the thought of you being gone sinks in.

But, if not, you have a life and you will be much better off than the way you are living now.

Good luck, please stop allowing him to keep you so tied up and confused.

January 23, 2001
7:44 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

10 or 20 years ago, I might agree with you, how could you discuss all those child hood "disgusting" things, but not today, its all out there, and therapist have just about heard it all, and are prepared to non judgementally help you deal with it. Your cry of "love" reminds me of what my husband must have sounded like when we started out. He had lied to me about still being married. I was nieve, and trusted then. I was single, and made him feel alive, as he put it the first person who said "How are you" far less what we did in the bed room, which was electric. But his early emotional damage, and the guilt he experienced from leaving a good loyal woman, made my life hell. The honey moon was truly like disappearing ink, days after our wedding, the shut down started on our wedding night, and got progressivly worse. It became a 10 year argument with honeymoon episodes inbetween, definately nothing I would suggest to my worse enemy. He had gone to counseling here and there, but never really addressed his issues until I packed up and moved several hundred miles. It was then that he confronted the deamons of his history, and discovered some truths, he has not shared much at all, but we both know it was not all me, or our marriage, but his stuff from his childhood. So do your self a favor, face the fear, and be done with it. What ever you have going on with your wife will catch up to you in your future relationships. We are still together, the bedroom gets a work out once a week, vs twice a day, but age does that to men, just when we get going, and the arguments are not frequent, but the loyalty shines on, and that sir is what love is. Commitment, comprimise, and really being there, so much more that a brief ahhhhhhhhh. Not to mention what we have tought the children.

January 28, 2001
4:10 pm
Avatar
lewis
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think u have to be truthful to yourself jwt, before u can be truthful to others.
Are we not taught to pretend to be happy? U desearve some happiness in your life, so does your wife!!
Telling this web your troubles is your first step to realisation, in seeking help, I hope u further your search.

Good luck

January 28, 2001
10:52 pm
Avatar
jwt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am still sitting here. Nothing has changed. I feel like I want to be anywhere except with my wife. My assistant is spending most of her free time with him. It is growing harder every day to believe her when she says that she loves me, can't get her mind off me and has to be careful not to call him my name. But, I want to believe it. She is just too attractive to me, both sexually and emotionally. It is not just lust.

Molly:

Hearing about your background helps me understand a little better how you see my situation. It sounds like you found passion in your marrage. I didn't even know it existed until I fell in love with my assistant.

Counseling...feel like I am getting closer to it every day. It just seems like the next logical thing to do. You say that they won't judge me for the dark parts of my past and present. Maybe they won't but I will still be embarassed beyond my imagination. I spend so much of my time really depressed and down...the only thing that brings me out of it is when she "throws me a bone." I am really disgusted with myself but I can't seem to help it.

lewis:

You will never know how much your support has ment to me. Truth...I don't know that I would recognize it if I saw it. Here are some "truths" that I feel......

* My assistant is the woman I have waited for all my life.

* Our relationship is doomed, but I can't seem to walk away.

* I feel like a fool.

* My marrage was not happy before I met my assistant and will probably get worse regardless of what happens with my assistant.

* This is not fair to anyone involved.

* I don't want to hurt anybody.

* I must stop hurting myself soon or I will go mad.

Pretend? I have tried that and tried that. My assistant says she can build a wall in her mind that seperates the two relationships. I guess I can't do that, pretending doesn't work for me.

I have spent the weekend alternating between...feeling jealous because they are together...and feeling a wierd calm that doesn't seem to be based on anything. My heart still pounds frequently for no reason. I am hanging on for dear life and probably abusing all of the escape methods I know...I think they are the only things that keep the stress from crushing me. I wonder how I will feel in the morning when I talk to her...jealous or calm? Am I crazy?

January 29, 2001
1:33 am
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No jwt, not crazy. But you are going to make yourself physically sick if you don't deal with this. Embarrassed? Counselors do this for a living, and hear stories far more wild and eerie than you could even concoct. Are you afraid of feeling shame for your past experiences? The counseling will help you examine them, lay them on the table. You can then figure out which experiences happened to you and were out of your control, and you can let go of the shame. You can also look at others that were in your control, yet did not turn out the way you wanted, and figure out what happened, and regain control.

Now, listen to me:

Your assistant is a sick sick person. TOXIC. You will NOT GET BETTER if you continue to interact with her. She is sneaky, manipulative, sly and uncaring. Her relationship with you is just about sex, nothing more. I'm sorry to say this, I know it seems cruel, but that's all it is. You may have fallen in love with her, but she is using you to fulfill her desires. It's a rush, forbidden, taboo... boinking the boss. Calling out your name in bed while she is having sex with someone else? Puh-leaze! Gross.

So, nothing has changed. Did you honestly think it would? Nothing else is going to change... *you* have to. Take some real action. Crap or get off the pot, my friend.

January 29, 2001
11:09 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We define a behavior or thought process as being psychologically unhealthy when it interferes with a person's quality of life.

Obsessive thoughts, for example, can happen occassionally to anyone. But when those thoughts or beliefs intrude on normal functioning and positive qualities of life, then they are psychologically and mentally unhealthy. I suppose you know that. But why is it that if you have a sprained ankle, or severe physical pain, you won't hesitate to go to teh doctor to receive medical treatment?

You choose to live in hell. Every moment we have the free will to choose our course of actions. You are never forced into anything, nothing is pulling you this way or that. Life is a multitude of paths and youchoose each moment which way to go. You are choosing to live in hell and you won't do anything about it.

January 29, 2001
4:50 pm
Avatar
lewis
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jwt
I congradulate u on your truth list.
I hope u are writing in a little book about what u feel, what u want, how u hurt. If not, I recommend it. When I look back on how I have felt in the past, the writings I did in those times of crisis, I feel a great sence of 'Glad' thats over! More importantly, I have learnt some vital lessons through my encounters with others. Write how u feel.

I have followed my heart aimlessly, I felt so sick when he rejected me. But I wrote about it, and now I see why I went through all that hell.

I think u truely deeply know what u should do, in your heart.

I hope you stop torturing yourself with the thoughts of her.

But it is hard, I think I might know a little about what u feel.

Go for counselling jwt!!!!!!!!!!
Make something positive come out of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

lv lewis

January 29, 2001
7:28 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ditto Lewis. Make something positive: a new happy jwt. The counseling will help so much.

January 29, 2001
7:35 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jwt,
#1 I found passion before the marriage, and thought marriage was the same intrepretation for us both, as you find the reality of life together the passion disappears when you can't agree on one damn thing, then once you start to agree, the age and physical limitations get in the way and it is the committment that keeps you going through the rough times, but it took a second marriage for me to figure that out, and wish many many times different
#2 I look at counseling especially for some one in your self described situation, like having a good BM. You might benifit, from dumping the s***, that you have been carring around all these years, and make room for something different, thought processes.
#3 You poor lust sick puppy, who can't see what this twit is. Lets pose this in a different frame for you. How would you advise Your daughter? say she had a marriage, but was bonking someone else who was bonking someone else, and spent most of his free time with the other bonker, and was killing of emotionally her spouse who had been loyal, and faithful for years? Which brings me to #4 Your right in that you fell in love with some one that you should not have, the forbidden fruit, then to support your fantasy, and your dream, you must make what you want to leave worse to support your action and thought process. You can't be in two places at the same time thus your hell. So you are mentally killing off your spouse, she is this, she is that, I never really, I was miserable yada yada yada, vs honoring your vows, and working through the issues.
My husband gave me stories, and I was stupid enough to believe them, I was blind as to character, or doing my work in selecting a mate, I am his 4th wife. And he was a self admitted womanizer between wife #2& #3, who were both good women as far as I can tell. He flat out had issues from his childhood that he needed to deal with , and did for the most part during our seperation. What ever crap you are dealing with supressing, or in denial of, will follow you until you address them, so regardless of your choice, to stay in limbo, stay with the wife, or seriously attempt to persue the twit, do your self a favor, and go have that BM with a professional, unless you want to try to dump it on these threads where there is a great deal of support and very confidential you can even create a new thread, and name. Give it a try, just what do you have to loose?

January 29, 2001
9:33 pm
Avatar
jwt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Again, thank you everyone. This has to be one of the most difficult times in my life. Thank you caring enough to give my problems some thought. I don't think I can do this alone.

Well, I was calm this morning and, I guess, a little detatched. My assistant spent all day upset because the relatives of her ex-husband and the ex-relatives of her husband-to-be don't like her. She thinks they hate her and that really bothers her. She was also upset (again) with the ladies in our offices because they don't always include her in their gossip sessions or lunch plans. It is like she thinks everyone is against her. This made her act like a real b#!$% to everyone including me. She still tells me that she misses me, loves me and needs our time together...but...then she turns around and seems so cold and uncaring. I spent most of the day listening to her problems. She is not very happy right now and there is very little that I can do but listen...and to care. Maybe I shouldn't care but I do.

I will listen to her problems for hours whenever she wants to talk. Far too many times, when I am depressed, she will tell me that she has so many problems of her own that she can't "prop me up." Far too often she will end a telephone call abruptly even though she knows I am upset. I can't seem to do that, I want to believe that everything is okay with her before I hang up. Why?

gingerleigh:

I am going to make myself physically sick. I just hope it is fatal because I don't think I have enough guts to take my own life. Life just hurts too much right now. This may sound wierd or sick, but sometimes I pray to die.

One big fear I have about counseling is that most of my problems were and are within my control...but I am addicted to the behavior and don't seem to really want to change. I have learned to live, as disfunctionally as that might be, with those problems. But this situation is very different. It may be related in some ways to my other problems but this one hurts more than just about anything has ever hurt.

I really can't disagree with your opinion of my assistant. I thought about it all day. If I believe this, why can't I just let go? How do I let go? We work together and it would turn into a very very uncomfortable situation. I have no idea what she would do. Do I just quietly send out my resume and try to keep it a secret from her? What do I do or say when and if I find another job? When you work together, you can't just slam the phone down and be done with it. You have to face each other every day.

Cici:

Yes, I am obsessive about this relationship. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. And it is most definitely intefearing with my quality of life. But, for the first time in a long time, I am feeling something. If I have to stop feeling again, I might as well be dead.

lewis:

I guess this thread is my way of keeping the record you mentioned. It does help to write it down. And, it does help to read your thoughts about it. It is usually the first thing I do when I sit down at the computer.

How did you get over it when he rejected you? Are you really over him? How long did it take for you to feel better?

Molly:

I know that I will never marry my assistant and my marrage problems didn't just start when she came into the picture. I will say that I seemed to wake up and notice those problems once I discovered that my life didn't have to be that way.

Please don't misunderstand. This is not a situation that my wife created. This is my fault. I was insecure with myself since I was young and I was grateful that anyone would have me. I just overlooked the problems for 20 years and sunk deep into my escape habits. My wife is a good and decent woman who doesn't deserve to be saddled with a jerk like me. She is just not what I want. I also think about the hell that I could be in if I married my assistant. Maybe I would be better off without either of them. But, can I survive the changes...losing my job, my marrage and the woman I love? I am afraid I am going to lose my mind either way.

I don't think it is a good idea to start a new thread under a new name to discuss the problems that have followed me all my life. I don't think this group really wants to know all of that stuff. Plus, if I were honest, you all would figure out who it was sooner or later. Way too embarassed.

January 29, 2001
10:57 pm
Avatar
lost soul
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
January 30, 2001
3:38 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jwt,

From my standpoint you sound severely depressed. In fact, clinically depressed. It is imperative that you seek help asap.

I wanted to let you know some things, since I know you are ademant about not getting therapy because you are afraid of the whole control issue.

Well, from what I've learned about the therapeutic experience (I'm a psych major), the therapist won't address issues unless you want to address them. They only help you as much as you open up. But I am very concerned about your depressed tone. At least get this treated.

I began taking something for depression on a lark. I had been feeling so miserable for so long I was at my wit's end, I had hit rock bottom and I didn't expect much. I was surprised to find that after 3 weeks of taking this stuff, my outlook did change and I found a way to work through problems that had been looking around me for over a year, and I had thought that there was no answer.

It's really strange how depression can cloud your thinking, and actually control you. I realized that what I had been thinking hadn't been ME at all, but my depressive state had been controlling me into complete paralysis.

Just something to think about. Baby steps, right? Why not try out treating somethign that is immediate and easily treatable (as depression is)?

January 30, 2001
5:01 pm
Avatar
AF1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No, I don't see you as a depressed person. I see you as a frustrated person who is a survivor. You are frustrated because you can't have what you really want(girlfriend 24/7, and fun, fun, fun all the time because your early life was so miserable)

You think you're losing your mind? I don't think so. You're actually going through a middle age hissy fit.

I'm not a psychologist, not a psyche major, not even a therapist. But I am a lifetime depression fighter and I know depression when I see it.

You get up and go to work every day? Find the energy and desire to have sex with girlfriend? Interested in her life and what she is doing so
much that it is eating you alive?
That is not depression. That's just what I said before, a hissy fit cuz you can't have that candy you want and mean old wifey and girlfriend's boyfriend are holding it at arms length.

When you can't drag yourself out of bed for days and you have no desire to eat, have sex, take a shower, brush your teeth, smile, that's depression.When you can't hold one thought for longer than 2 minutes and can't read the simplest article because your concentration is burned out, that's depression. Granted, along with your frustration you are probably sad and angry sometimes. Dangerously depressed is another thing.
You continue for over a month to whine and cry about how you can't have her. Whatever happened to quitting you job and moving??
Whatever happened to leaving wife?
You use your distaste for counselling as a great crutch. If you did it, you might not have everyone telling you to GO GET IT! Uh oh, what would you do then?

You don't want any help. You want the stage-time because you need alot of attention. You want help? Do something about it. 9.999 people out of ten have had issues with their youth or problems they've had to get over and get on with their lives. You
re not about to throw away all your crutches because then you'd have to step up and help yourself.

I'm not going to apologize for my tone here. I've learned that NOBODY can help someone who wants to wallow and will not help themselves. Maybe if everyone stopped stroking you, you'd get your act together and do all the suggestions all these caring people have given you. But I don't think you will. This pity party just feeds your need to whine.

January 30, 2001
5:47 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, and you guys thought I had a club. I must agree with the above, not much else to say.

January 31, 2001
1:11 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm going to have to disagree here because depression is a continuum of symptoms, not one diagnosis applicable to all sufferers.

And, there are deinfatley people who suffer from depression and still sleep-walk through life and then, when someone tells them to quit whining and get a life, they shoot themselves in the head.

So...AF1. I am sympathetic to your plight. But if you did have experience in counselling or in the medical field you would know that symptoms come from somewhere, even those who present symptoms but yet don't test positive for anything. Those symptoms must and should be treated, because we live in a humanitarian society.

Granted, jwt could be borderline personality disorder, with constant and negative attention-seeking, chronic feelings of emptiness, chronic depression (which is a symptom of many other psychological disorders, from schizophrenia to generalized anxiety disorder to phobias). But borderline is not treatable and there has to be some way to get jwt to DO something about his problems.

I'm not about to write someone off and then have them abandon any efforts to get better forever because the standards I present to them are too high. I suppose this bleeding heart is what led me to my studies in the first place.

January 31, 2001
5:18 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Friends, friends, friends... can we just agree that none of us can diagnose JWT purely from an internet post, whether we have medical training or not?

That said, JWT, this is for you. We are here to provide support for you, and we will continue to do so, to a point. However, it gets really really really tedious to have everyone offer the same advice, and then listen to 20 more reasons you have to ignore it.

So. Either take some of the good advice here and get some counseling (in which case we can continue to help you through the scary things that might come up), or just quit whining about it and knock it off. We can't help you, only you can help you.

And really, there's nothing left to say. Good luck.

January 31, 2001
7:00 pm
Avatar
AF1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gingerleigh, I agree totally. I am voicing an opinion strictly on the writings of a faceless name. And heck, it is only my opinion, which is why jwt continues to post. To get opinions. Although I doubt he looks forward to mine.

Cici, with all due respect to your choice of professions, and you are a "student" aren't you? I have experience with counselling, and the medical field.....I've been on the couch, not sitting in the chair. And I have many years of experience with human beings and a very huge bleeding heart of my own.

I don't need a book, I don't need to quote psychologists, I don't see the world through what someone before me has written. Because for every book written by a medical person, you will find at least one other medical person writing a book which totally disagrees witht the first.

If you want to read and believe that every person who behaves as jwt does is a borderline personality disorder or he is suffering from some "symptom" of something, go right ahead. There are depressed folks out there who walk around appearing symptomless all day and go home and shoot themselves in the head that night. I am aware of that. I don't believe that people who whine and whine and whine and are only concerned about their own self-gratification are suffering from depression, they are survivors. And if that person ignores every bit of sound advice with a lame excuse, then that's the way he wants it. It doesn't make him clinically depressed, it makes him selfish and whiney and attention starved.

And all this coddling is enabling him.

Not everyone who acts stupid has a psychological disorder. You can try to connect the dots with something you read, but that doesn't make it so.
It just gives him an excuse to continue his behavior, because now you've "labeled" him.

Let's not forget to throw some common sense in with all books and bleeding hearts. You can say anything you want to jwt, that's your opinion.
And so can I.

February 1, 2001
1:01 am
Avatar
jwt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Okay, I don't know if this thread has gone as far as it can or not. All of you say that I whine. I bet that is not so unusual for someone who is hurting as much as I do. I am sorry that it offends you. I asked my wife last night if she thought I was depressed or just throwing a middle aged hissy fit. Her reply...hissy fits don't last for years.

Yes, I need some attention. This situation is driving me mad. I would not be here if I didn't need some outside opinions.

It sounds like you are all frustrated that I will not go to counseling. I told you at the beginning that I did not want to do that. I still don't.

I came with one question, stay or go? Well, the answers seem unanimous, unless I seek counseling, I should leave my wife, leave my job and leave the woman I love. I will be totally alone. Wow, those are a lot of changes. I am scared that I might not survive them all.

Nevertheless, I guess I have known for a long time that leaving was my only real option. That mountain looks so tall, that it is taking me some time to work up the courage to climb it. Any practical ideas to help me take those first steps would be greatly appreciated.

February 1, 2001
1:56 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is for AF1...

I think you mistook my post, because you responded with a lot of defensiveness. It was meant with good intentions, and I never meant to relay that I didn't think your opinions had validity. I don't know that I even alluded to that.

BUT, that said, I was offended mainly because I don't know that you know any of my history. Yes, I am young. Yes, I am a student. But I have gone through many, many life experiences and my opinions aren't simply based on what I read in books. I also didn't say jwt was borderline, I said his problems could fit into the diagnosis, but they could fit into many others as well.

There's a fine line between enabling and supporting. You have to balance that. I have this in the forefront of my mind. But completely ignoring someone who is crying for help isn't doing anything. I remain optimistic that something, anything is better than nothing. A lot of times people are resistant to change because they are afraid (as jwt admitted), but if you try hard enough they may decide to do one little thing that could help them change the way they think. And that's worth months of effort to me.

I have been through counselling numerous times, for rape and date-rape, for molestation, child abuse. I have been clinically depressed (and treated with meds and therapy) and while I was depressed, addicted to drugs and even homeless. Soooo...I consider those experiences, all before I had reached the age of 21, life changing. They taught me a lot about human nature, about myself, about the limitations of human beings.

But for some reason, I am still optimistic. I still think that everyone has value, even those who are so lost they don't know where to look. I still want to try. And that is my opinion, as you have yours. I think everyone has a degree of mental illness, even those who appear perfectly normal. No one grew up in the perfect home, with loving and supportive childhood friends, always succeeding and never suffering. If that were so, that person would never have grown because suffering makes us who we are.

My Mom, who is a nurse, treats even those of her patients who present with hypochondriasis, believing they are ill but testing negative for any ailments. She believes that if they are complaining of symptoms, something is wrong, even if it is merely psychological. And that deserves to be treated, too.

February 1, 2001
2:43 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

AWT,
i agree: what jwt says here is extremely annoying to me. But I won't throw that at him, because in any case - this won't help. I rather use my annoyance to find out what it is that annoys me, and why. And: bingo, yes there were people in my family, too who used whining as a means of having power over others. This has been very hurtful sometimes (including depression etc.). This is the reason that I don't like jwt. Still: I don't really think that he likes the situation he's in. He is not annoying us on purpose, but because he doesn't know better. And I think that he is getting 'what he wants' in some way, but he doesn't seem to be ready to take what he 'needs'. But thats not a reason to give angry reaction to others. And not to him, either - because anger doesn't really show a better option.

JWT:
having said the above I still don't understand why you don't go to counseling. It is most likely all the old problems that you cope whith and don't want to dig into that have gotten you into this mess. A professional might help in sorting things out whithout doing further harm to yourself and the people that you are close to.

February 1, 2001
8:08 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jwt, people do whine until they are sick and tired of being sick and tired. We only stay in that arena until it no longer serves us or the pain is to great. No pain no change. I believe, and I could be wrong, it is the same thing as an alcoholic, stop drinking stop drinking, and until they are ready to stop drinking they don't no matter what happens. Same for you, same for all of us that have had to make a major change, heck I have been whinning about my work, and financial situation until I was ready to jump, so I finally jumped. Who the heck knows if I have done the right thing, but I do feel better for putting something into action.
I don't think that we have told you to leave the wife leave the job, and leave the woman you love. That sounds like more whinning, and the opportunity to be a victim. Sorry for the slap, but we have tried to point out that the woman you love seems to be a looser, the woman you are married to has put up with you, and deserves something, and job, I don't even think that has come up for discussion other than your excuse to avoid the looser. When your ready to do something you will, nothing and no one can make you do a damn thing, of course unless your wife splits, but she sounds passive, and that perhaps is what you dislike about her, yet keeps you tied to the security that she provides, bad love is better than no love and your working bad love on both ends, go figure, thought that adultry was supposed to be more fulfilling.

February 9, 2001
2:08 am
Avatar
jwt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I won't bore you with any details...nothing changes except for the worse. I just have a question.

How do you find a good counselor? I looked in the telephone book today and there were maybe 100 different counselors listed. It didn't seem to be a good idea to just pick someone from the yellow pages.

February 9, 2001
8:58 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ask your Doctor for a name.
Ask a trusted friend.
Call from the yellow pages list some of the couns. listed who specialize in what YOU think your problem is.

Call a med center for a more select list.

Just pick one and go. On one of your posts you say that your biggest fear is to find that the situations you don't like are within your control and you really don't want to change....

Personally I think you already know that...a face to face with a "real" counselor instead of these faceless, "nameless" posts will make it truly YOUR JOB to change if you are unhappy.

That's the case anyway. If you are unhappy...you must change--the way you look at life, the way you treat others, the way you view yourself and the world and your place in it.

You can have a happy life...but it is and always has been --up to you.

My gramma used to say "Shit or get off the pot"

Life is up to you....

February 9, 2001
11:41 am
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I found a good counselor through my employer's "Employee Assistance Program". Might want to check with HR and see if they have that benefit. It's purely confidential, and it's marketed to employees as a service to help people cope with certain life events, like death in the family, illness, divorce, birth of a new child. Something to check into.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
52
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110907
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
819Zeed, odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer