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January 9, 2001
12:07 am
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lost soul
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jwt

I have not until recently I mentioned that I can't take it any more, maybe divorce is the best solution to end all our misery. As usual, he soften & tried to be nice. But I know, its just for a while & he will be back to his usual self. sign..........

I really do not know how to end my misery. Life is so short & yet I cannot live to it's fullest...... what a pity...................

But one thing I am sure is, my daughter is happy if we are "intact" as a family. Although, she might know something is wrong with her parent's relationship but at least is not up to the extent of living with just one of us....sign..............after all she is still young ( age 9 )

Well. thanks for listening & hope you will figure out ways to make things work out for yourself.

January 9, 2001
9:17 am
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In your first post you said you have a strong faith in God and you do respect the idea of marriage....Hmm.

Talk is cheap.

You go on and on about yourself and how unhappy you are. Why?? You have everything. It's your wife who's being screwed and doesn't know it. You say she begs you not to get a divorce, does she know about your "assistant" who gets all of your emotions and energy?? Tell her the whole gory story and see if she still begs her only friend to stay. I would be surprised unless she is totally dependent on you and has no self-esteem.

You keep whining about how you're terrified to know if she's using you, when exactly will you know??? How many objective outsiders have to hit you with tons of bricks before you accept it?? Face it. You are a middle aged man who has been turned on and readily accepted by a young woman who finds absolutely nothing wrong with interferring in a marriage and sleeping with a married man and cheating on her own fiance'. Just face it and quit whining and trying to figure it out. It's as clear as day, you just keep acting like you dont see it. If you really don't see it, I wonder how you function on a daily basis.

If you ever cared about your wife at all, cut her loose. You're right, she doesn't deserve such a self-absorbed, two-faced, cheating, self-rightous,hypoctritical husband who doesn't want to do the right thing. Just the thing that's right for him and him alone. But you wont. Because your "assistant" might leave you high and dry (you know you don't trust her) and then you'd be without anyone. And in your case, a dependent, unknowing,"know it all" wife is better than being alone. She's good for your ego, if nothing else.

January 9, 2001
12:08 pm
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lewis
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AF1
Thats to the point!
However, we are all victims of circumstance. Life just isn't ABC.
At least JWT is aware of the pain and self indulgence he is creating, some unfortunatly don't give a ----.

I'd ask 'so what next'? 'what are u going to do about it?'

Make some positive decistions.
cu

January 9, 2001
3:31 pm
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Lewis, I also believe that we are victims of our own choices. We can zig and zag with circumstances and make choices on how to deal with them. We can't escape the consequences of our choices. We can whine and cry about it and say it's not our fault or make a better choice to fess up to the responsibilty and move on....for all concerned. Including a daughter who thinks daddy is such a good guy, just confused. How would

January 9, 2001
3:33 pm
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jwt like his daughter in the position which he has put his wife?

January 10, 2001
2:32 am
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jwt
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Its late. I'm tired. However, I can't go to sleep without some resoponses.

lost soul:

Wish I knew what to say. I think you know how to end your misery. It is just a tough thing to do. And, you have your daughter to consider. Is it possible that both of you would be better off without this fellow jerk? You are right about one thing. Life is too short...and you deserve an opportunity to live it.

lewis:

Thank you. And you are right again. I may be a complete worthless jerk but at least it bothers me.

AF1

Ouch!

The wife would dump me in a New York minute if I told her everything. Why hurt her like that?

Okay, we are both doing something that is very wrong. That doesn't mean she is using me. Maybe it will take a ton of bricks to convince me. And by the way, I am probably not functioning very well on a day to day basis.

You are absolutely right. I am self-absorbed, two-faced and a cheater. I am also stupid. But I don't feel very self-rightous and I am not sure I am a hypocrite. And, I sure don't want to stay married for my ego.

Make a better choice to fess up to the responsibility and move on???? I made a marrage decision when I was 18 years old. I was so insecure that I was grateful that someone would have me. She is a good woman. It is wrong and cruel to do what I have done. But, I feel what I feel. I can't say it's not real because it is there every day, every minute. I said til death do us part...is that the responsibility you are talking about?

I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions. If it all came out, the only regret I would have is the hurt I inflicted on my wife who did nothing deserve it. I told my best friend about the situation when it began 3+ years ago. He told me that I had better be careful or I would lose both of them. I have allways expected that he would be right. I will deserve what I get.

Finally, the daughter does not think dad is a good guy. She has seen too much fighting over the years and resents us both. I still love her and crave time with her. How would I feel if it happened to her. Mad. Sad. But, I know it is part of life sometimes and I would do my best to help her move on with her life.

January 10, 2001
4:47 am
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lost soul
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jwt

Thank for the advise.

Well, it's the old saying - It's easy said than done........... I belief you will understand what I mean.

January 10, 2001
10:48 am
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Cici
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jwt -

You have me running scared now. I keep asking my fiance if he'll have a midlife crisis when he's 40, because I most assuredly do NOT want to deal with it. I keep thinking, what if I end up like your wife, if my husband will "put up with me" or be so cruel as to have an intimate affair with another woman.

I was reading an article the other day that stated that men feel more betrayed if their wives engaged in sex with another, while women feel more betrayed when their partner LOVES another.

On an aside, my fiance is highly irrtated when I bring up possible infidelity. Then again, he grew up in a very moral house and infidelity is really out of the question for him. But still, as you have shown - you never know. He always wants to know who's putting these ideas in my head....should I tell him about us? Ha ha ha.

January 10, 2001
3:50 pm
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Midlife crisis! My husband is going through it now, at age 41. I know he is not happy with himself, or me, but his unhappiness with me is really just a symptom of him not being comfortable in his own skin. I deeply resent the way he will ignore me and hurt me and not care and push me and push me until I am miserable. Then he'll throw me a bone and say something nice and I think he'll be OK. I wished he would just let me go, and I deeply resent the fact that he did not respect me enough to turn me loose. I had to go through the pain and torture of his abuse, and finally make the decision to get out for myself. It hurts to the core and always will that he didn't care or love me enough to be good to me or set me free. He was so selfish and self-absorbed that no one's pain mattered to him except his own. Not mine, not his children's, no one's. And he didn't even care enough about himself to heal himself.

The point of this personal rant being, JWT, turn your wife loose. She might be a know it all, but NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THE WAY YOU ARE TREATING YOUR WIFE. (For all I care, your assistant can go down in flames. She should be drawn and quartered for breaking up a family the way she is.)

Let your wife experience the short but intense pain that your leaving her would inflict, rather than suck the life and soul out of her for the remainder of your lives. You owe her that much. But you also owe her so much more, but you are just not strong enough to give it to her. Till death do us part... it means no cheating, or was that a vow you conveniently left out?

You and my husband should get together and swap stories. He, like you, refuses to seek counseling because he views it as admitting to failure, weakness, and defeat. I've got news for both of you: you are both being frightened cowardly children and refuse to take responsibility for your lives.

Get over it, get over yourself, and get some therapy. And if you still refuse to do that, then get out.

January 10, 2001
10:48 pm
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Dump her. The pain will go away and it's the least you can do for her. But, you won't. I'm sure of it. Unless, of course, "assistant" dumps her sure thing and commits to you.

Now, after someone has agreed with your constant question of whether or not she's using you, you're going to argue the point. She is using you. She is getting big screen TVs, sapphires, sex on demand, someone who is agonizing over his "love" for her,
who knows what kind of benefits at work for her trouble, a nice soft mattress to fall back upon in case fiance doesn't work out, and a humungous ego trip because of all of the aforementioned. I am a woman, I have some experience in working with older, "in-crisis" men, trust me, she's using you. Exactly WHY again does she not drop the fiance'? Whatever reason, all the love she claims for you isn't worth a bucket of warm snot if she doesn't do something about it. And that goes for your mantra of love also.

I say you are self-rightous because although you intermittently claim blame for your situation, you continue to throw in fault of your wife's which is supposed to justify why you've been driven to do what you're doing. The truth is, nobody makes us do anything. We are all responsible for each decision that we make. If you're wife has made your life so unhappy, and all the other reasons you've mentioned, GET OUT.

Till death do us part.....you're kidding right? Is that actually the high road you're trying to take? Too late. You've obliterated the biggest part of your marriage vows, why cling to that one? Safer than admitting you want out? Safer than taking the chance that she'll give you less than a New York minute to pack your stuff and hit the road.

How about this idea......don't tell your wife about your "assistant." Tell her you need to be out of this house and work on your problems and it may lead to something permanent, you're not sure. I'm sure she is aware that there is something going on with you, I doubt it will be a big surprise. If your town and friends and surroundings haven't clued her into your affair yet, then maybe she won't know until it's all over, if at all. She will get over the pain.

I'm pretty sure you won't do that either. Like I said, you want it all.

If I sound harsh, that's because what you are doing to your wife of 20+ years is harsh. Your wife may be all the difficult things you've eluded to, but regardless, no one deserves to be emotionally, sexually, abandoned, and wondering why and probably blaming herself. Maybe even trying to find a support group on the Net to help her understand it. Let her go and try to find happiness, as you have with your assistant.

January 11, 2001
2:00 am
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jwt
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Cici, gingerleigh and AF1:

You don't have to convince me that I am a very bad person. I think I have screwed up my life just about every way possible.

Okay, it is uninamous. I should set my wife free. She would be much better off without me.

Maybe the only real thing about my relationship with my assistant is the love I feel for her. Regardless, it is a doomed relationship. I know I am just making a fool of myself and would be better off without her.

It has been nearly a month since I began this thread. Not very long to discover what a real mess I have made of my life. From what I see here, the only option I have is to go.

Thank you for helping.

January 11, 2001
10:59 am
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Cici
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jwt - what is love, do you think?

January 11, 2001
12:08 pm
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eve
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jwt, do you still think that counseling wouldn't be an option? How could it be worse than what you are doing to yourself?

January 11, 2001
2:26 pm
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I didn't really intend to post anything more. But I just can't ignore Cici's question....

I don't know the answer. I do know how I feel. In my situation, I should love my wife enough, and I hope I do, to let her get on with her life without me and my problems tied around her neck. I should also love myself enough not to destroy myself over my assistant.

eve is right. Counseling is an option. I would be too embarrassed to sit there face-to-face and tell them all about me. I know I would have to be honest and there is just no way I believe I can do it. You are still right, it is better than this.

January 11, 2001
6:13 pm
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Wow, forget embaressment, trust me there has been worse. Go talk to some one. This assistant of yours is playing you for every ounce of sanity that you still have, as well as the gifts, having her cake and eat it too. A fit about finances was a ploy for cash if I ever heard one, why else would she dump that on you? Did you open the wallet? You got to step outside of your boring life, and feel alive again, that is what makes it so hard to let go. Addicted to lust. LUST, this certainly is not love. You sound like one of us codependent women hanging on to an abusive mate who keeps rubbing our noses in the affairs, then comes back and says I love you . Boy, is this assistant a piece of work, I sure hope her looks last, and she can do something more than have sex , because her world will catch up to her.
You have been honest on these threads, and beaten up pretty good for it. If you were totally evil, you wouldn't care. If you didn't love your wife you wouldn't care.You are just a lust sick puppy , chasing the assistant for her to toss you a bone. Sound like a 15 year old boy. So you didn't have a lot of experience before you became a husband and father, your ego flattered, your heart got a jump start, and the rush has been great, but common your gonna let this little tart drag you around on a leash,and ruin what it took you 20 years to establish? Where are your BALLS Sir? Get them back from that tart. Love takes years, sure you have some stuff to work out with your wife, or maybe being boring and devoted is reason enough for you to leave her. It is easy to "kill" off a person if we really want to. But I don't get that you are willing to toss your life away, nor do you want to deal with more shame, which is the next step. I say if she doesn't know, both of you get into counseling, why hurt her with the truth, I believe that is your burdon to bear. But if you can't cut the twit, tart loose, and you really want to continue this path, then let go of the wife, and I hope you loose it all to her. Just hand over everything, including half your paycheck for the rest of your life. Does your assistant who is currently bonking and is going to leave you for another man, really care if you have lost it all and then some while your in the fetal position in the gutter ? You and your marriage can be salvaged, get your head out of your ass and quit thinking with lust in your brain. The rush is over, reality time, and often it is boring, try bungie jumping next time, then for sure only you will be hurt.

January 11, 2001
7:21 pm
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Damn, Molly. Wanna come over and hit my husband with that sledgehammer you kept so neatly tucked away in your back pocket? 😉

JWT, Molly I think hit the nail on the head with that sledgehammer of hers. Print out her email, take it with you in your car and read it outloud 100 times. Read it and read it until it's burned in your brain because, dude, this is the honest truth. No fluff, no pillows, no cushions. Where are your balls, indeed.

Now go do the right thing and get some counseling.

January 12, 2001
10:45 am
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Cici
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jwt - you didn't answer my question...

try this exercise. divide a blank piece of paper into 4 squares. At the top of each square write the following headers:

(1) How other people see me

(2) How I see myself

(3) The me that almost no one sees

(4) The me I would like to be

This was a humanistic therpeutic techinuqe en vogue in the 1970s, recently revived.

Now...tell me a quality from #3, and from #4. Explain.

January 13, 2001
4:12 pm
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lewis
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I think JWT as left 4 a while?
I hope he comes to a decistion soon & finds happiness.

January 21, 2001
8:44 pm
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What do I say? I can't deal with this alone. I have given some serious thought to counseling...but not yet...I guess I will wait until it is too late. I won't bore you with the details of my week...I don't need the beating from all of you. My assistant is convinced that I am going, begs me to stay and cries. My wife and I spent the weekend like angry strangers. I want to connect with her but it just doesn't happen. I don't understand how she can't the hand writing on the wall.

My heart pounds hard sometimes for no reason. The stress is intense. How do you know when you go crazy?

January 21, 2001
10:39 pm
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What do you want jwt?? What exactly do you want?

I don't think you want anything to change. I think you want some woman on this list to say something nice to you. To baby you. To support you. I think you take that chance when you post again because although you're going to get a "beating", you'll take the risk for the attention. And the reason you wont talk to a real live counselor is because you know damn well what they're going to say. You just don't want to hear it face to face. Internet counseling is fine, no obligation to do what we say. You would be mortified to have to tell a counselor what you are up to, and the fact that you know it's wrong, but won't stop.

I'm not slamming you. That's just how I see it. Rather than talk to your wife or talk to your lover, you'll talk to all these women who respond to you.(I am proof of that point)

What else can anyone possibly say??
Get out!

How about asking your wife to take a look at this neat internet site you found and have her read this thread.
Maybe that handwriting will be easier for her to read.

You're not going crazy. Could be your conscience. Nobody's causing that stress but you and your behavior. You want it to stop? Then stop it.

What does that mean, you want to connect with your wife? How can you connect when you are cheating on her?
You cannot connect with someone you cannot trust. And she certainly knows something is very wrong with you and her marriage and probably even knows
WHAT you are doing and maybe can't face it either. But forget about connecting.

Get out and leave both of them. Go be by yourself, get your head straight, tell both of them your problems. You aren't in any shape for anyone. You are a mental mess. Go sort it out alone. Get away from all of it. If not for your wife, to whom you owe loyalty, then do it for you.
Take a positive step forward for heaven's sake.

January 22, 2001
6:42 am
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What do I want? I want to be in love with just the one woman I am with. I want peace.

I am sorry to burden all of you with my problem. I just have no one else to talk to about this. Yes, I would be mortified to talk to a counselor. Not because of this problem. I am not afraid to hear their advice about this. I am very afraid to tell them about all about me. There are some things I don't want anyone to know.

I have talked and talked to both my assistant and wife about our problems. It changes nothing.

I keep thinking that my relationship with my wife might still have a chance if I left my job and got away from my assistant. But, I don't want to go back to how I felt before I met my assistant...no passion in my life. If I left my wife too, I would be all alone...and that scares me to death.

January 22, 2001
2:26 pm
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I really wish u would take that leap into counseling.
He/She is not going to condem u, it a decision u make to work along with a professional to get to the roots of your life, essence, feelings, anxities etc etc... whatever it is troubling u, u have to make that difference. Do it soon before its too late.
You are not expected too spill the beans on your whole life, you reveal what u feel comfortable with, and went your ready, u won't want to shut up!

January 22, 2001
3:47 pm
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This is all very personal to me. You see, I'm the wife. Although I found out. I have stayed with my husband even though he has moved out into his own place. It is over with his girlfriend except an occasional business call at work. My husband says he loves me but is no longer "In Love with Me". I just want my husband to come home to stay and I'm sure that we can't work it out. He is only at his apartment to sleep and then over at my house during all waking hours. This has put a terriby strain on us financially. He too won't go to counseling, even by himself. My question, do I continue to beat my head, or cut him loose to this wonderful man that I am truly in love with? Is he going also through a mid-life crisis? How do I go on with a man who isn't in love with me?

January 22, 2001
4:00 pm
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jwt, face ur fears ... do what u fear! see the counselor, hear their advice! take risks (but calculated) in life! face ur fears !!

January 22, 2001
7:58 pm
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Jwt, I am guessing that one of the reasons that you are not going into counseling is that might be to real for you, facing reality. This is an easy place to not be accountable, if you went to a counselor it would mean that you are really seeking a solution. Your anxiety I believe, is caused by tryig to be in 2 places at the same time, having your cake and eat it too. See there is something in your marriage or you would have walked a while ago, and that passion, I think your assistant is giving most of it to her boyfriend. Your getting off on the drama, and the memory of, pardon"the woody" that you most likely got just by looking in her direction, after you had a taste of the forbidden fruit. It doesn't last, and say she gave up said boyfriend, and you gave up loyal boring wife, just how long do you think it would last? If you want to continue, then do so, set up assistant in apt, and keep it going, or find a new honey and keep it going, maybe that is how you could get assistant jelous, and motivated to stick with you, show her more money??? This is your life you can screw with it as long as you want to and continue to get something out of it. I think what you want is what we all want, and it does not exist, reality and life gets in the way. Of course there are many who try to keep it going but they must change partners every so often, but what the heck, its your life.

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