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Starting to obsess - bmom
March 12, 2008
1:46 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, everyone. Boy ... just when you think you have things under control, something happens.

As many of you might remember, the ex moved down the street from me several months ago. He has come around, been friendly, and I thought I was okay with this.. although I knew I was flirting with danger even talking to him... having said that, I have really been okay and not obsessing about him too much ... thought I was pretty much over it... although knew there was still "tinges" in my heart when I saw him sometimes. Well ...

I just found out today that a gal he is very good friends with is now moving down the street!! She will be kind of up the street from him and I am kind of freaking out ... He has always been good friends with her and always went by her apartment and talked to her even when he lived with me. She had a boyfriend at one time but they have broken up now. As far as I know, nothing has ever happened between her and the ex but I could always tell he was attracted to her. She is nice looking but in that sort of "tough" way whereas I am pretty much your typical soccer Mom.

In addition, his kids are now playing with the little girl acrossed the street. This little girl's mother is some sort of professional escort or something... very attractive. When the ex lived with me before, she always flirted and I mean really flirted with him. Now that the kids are playing together, I am sure it is just a matter of time before he hooks up with her. When I do the dishes, my kitchen window faces her home. I have been worried that I am going to see him over there one night when I am doing dishes and the hurt will start all over again.

I am just sitting here obsessing like crazy over this ... thinking why will he even need me in his life if he now has two friends living on our street as well?? More importantly, why do I even want to be this guy'e friend??? He has been terrible to me in the past! I logically realize I am not the woman for him and that I am a good woman but not for him. But, I am still sitting here so, so so very anxious over this .... when will this anxiety stop???? I so want to be over this but I just cannot seem to get rid of it totally.

Rising .. if you are here, I would love to hear from you. I saved one of your posts from last summer when I was having such a terrible time where you told me the story of your ex and how you were a good woman ... but not for him.

I could sure use some words of wisdom ... I am a smart woman ... what the heck is wrong with me I cannot get over this guy????

Hugs,
bmom

March 12, 2008
2:33 pm
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obsessia
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Hello bmom:
I'm glad you shared. You have to embrace the fact that it's over with this guy and what he does is none of your business. You need to pay attention to your life. Do you rent the house you live in? If so, if I were you, I would consider moving. If you own the house, there are things you can do to help yourself to mind your own business. Put a curtain up over the window by the sink so you don't see what is going on. You say you are a smart woman, then be smart and start loving yourself enough to pay attention to YOUR life, not who he is seeing. Who cares anyway. He's not a part of your life anymore. Remember.
Good Luck to you.

March 12, 2008
2:45 pm
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Celtic1
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(((bmom)))

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. As you know I see narcissists everywhere but.........

It sounds a little like the TV show Desperate Housewives.

I know I'm no help but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

Celtic

March 12, 2008
2:52 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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((((((bmom))))) I hope Taj is still around.......I have seen her here and there........she and I know your story and I care too. horsefly

March 12, 2008
3:14 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks guys. I didn't think Taj was still around. If you are Taj, I would love to hear from you.

bmom

March 12, 2008
7:02 pm
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taj64
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hello. I read the threads. I dont post as much. Sorry to hear you are still obsessing.

You need to move - move away. you can move. it is not worth it. You too involved with him living near you. You will always be caught up in his life unless YOU make the change. MOVE. He is not your life anymore. You cant be in it. Not even from afar. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Good luck to you.

Having my ex not in my town, not in my area, I manage to not obsess. If you are obsessive of a person, then having them around you never really get rid of it.

March 14, 2008
3:57 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks everyone. Taj, good to hear from you. Your posts are always meaningful to me.

Maybe what you say about if there is a will, there is a way, could be true. I am so broke right now after all the medical bills I have had this year, sometimes I barely get through the month to be perfectly honest. I just cannot envision a way to move but you never know what God might have in mind.

I was talking to my therapist yesterday. I told her that the thing I hate the most about this whole thing is the immediate physical attraction I have to hearing about something like this. My anxiety level just skyrockets to the point I am almost ill. It just feels like my nerves are coming out of my skin. Once I can stop and think about it and work through it, I am okay. I just wish I could get over that initial anxiety. It is almost paralyzing. Here it is 8 months later and I have made a lot of progress but I am still not over this man.

March 14, 2008
5:00 pm
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Oops .. sorry. I just noticed a typo in my last post. I said "immediate physical attraction" when what I meant was "immediate physical reaction..." Sorry!

bmom

March 14, 2008
5:46 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Bmom -

I'm with Taj all the way on this. MOVE. (Translation: NO CONTACT). Seeing this guy's comings and goings is messing you up.

I am hoping you find a way to get out of there and away from the constant reminders of him. It is your only answer.

- Ma

March 14, 2008
5:46 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Bmom -

I'm with Taj all the way on this. MOVE. (Translation: NO CONTACT). Seeing this guy's comings and goings is messing you up.

I am hoping you find a way to get out of there and away from the constant reminders of him. It is your only answer.

- Ma

March 25, 2008
4:43 pm
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bmom74
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Just checking in ... I think I am doing better. I am back going to Coda meetings, reading, journaling and trying to surround myself with healthy people. I am also praying that somehow God will show me the way to move out of this neighborhood. Right now I am just not seeing it happening, but you are right Ma, where this is a will, there is way. I just need to be shown what that way is first!

I am doing my best to avoid him. I have not seen him for three days now. Not an easy task when he lives 4 houses down but I am managing to keep it to no contact. The thing is he is flirting around with this woman across the street and it is the anticipation of seeing it that scares me if that makes sense. I make it a point to not look out the window now. But I so dread the day I go to pull in the driveway and he is out there. Has anyone ever had anticipation like this?? I know I can get through it but it is that initial anxiety I dread.
The kind of anxiety where I feel like my nerves will come out my fingertips. I am so much better than 8 months ago but it is still not over...

March 25, 2008
6:55 pm
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luvmnms
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sometimes you don't get shown the whole way. please know you need to look for signs that pull you in a different direction. like baby steps. i believe god can work miracles and you won't even realize it was a miracle until you are on the other side and look back. little things that add up to a big event.

trust your gut.

March 25, 2008
8:26 pm
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Until you get into no contact, you will always obsess, there is no way, obssessive people need that object/person out of the way. it is like having a person allergic to chocolate cake and putting that chocolate in front of them. I dont get why you arent doing more here, sitting their waiting for his moves, watching him, stalking him because now you can, afterall he lives right down the street from you and now he is available even from your window. I tihnk it is ridiculous that you put yourself in this position knowing full well you have a serious addiction to this man. This man never cared a lick about you, he moved on from something that was never there in the first place. What he is flirting around you with another woman to purposely get you jealous? Be real here Bmom. This guy has a girlfriend, has had a girlfriend and he is welcome to live his life with this girl, he no longer has to work around you anymore, this is your problem. MOVE MOVE MOVE. This is your addiction, not his. If you want to get rid of your anxiety, get rid of the cause of it. Move it out of sight. You are not doing no contact here. You are enabling it. Sorry to be blunt but you are an alcholic choosing to live next door to the liquor store. Your life will be full again if you choose to. Im not the best believer in babysteps not if you are your own worst enemy. Denial isnt helping you, it is hindering you big time. You will do just fine, out of sight, out of mind, at least it gets easier if it is forced. What you are doing is more damage in the long run. You still wish and hope he would come back to you, that is what you are doing. Get in reality, and out of fantasy. Looking out the window is no fun, being outside of the window is actually fun as long as you realize there are other things out there other than this retarded man who never cared about you or gave you one thing while you gave him everything and then some. Starting to obssess, you been obssessing. it ends when you let it end. It goes on and on as long as you let it go on. Let go once and for all. Doing the dance, prolong your pain and will do even more damage to your soul.

March 26, 2008
10:09 am
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bmom74
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True.

March 26, 2008
1:06 pm
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bmom74
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Taj, I appreciate your points but even for me, this was pretty harsh... and you know how I feel about you. I have been thinking about what you have said. I know what you are saying but it just seems like there has to be a way to recover from this without having to put myself in a financial bind. That is why I keep praying about it. After all, I have lived there 6 years. He only just moved in a few months ago. I realize when it comes to my sanity, this is not really a factor but it does kind of tick me off that I have to be the one to change. I guess if I really want to get over this obsessing, I will have to put aside the fact I have lived there the longest.

Of course, I don't think he is flirting with this gal to make me jealous. I am not that unrealistic. I know what you are saying but the hurt is the same. You are right, out of sight, out of mind but do I create a situation where I cannot pay my other bills just because I have to move?? I have had five surgeries in a year and am setting on a ton of medical bills .. .and I mean a ton.

As far as wishing and hoping he would come back and care about me, I guess I still do somewhat.... but it is getting better. I am more realistic now. Even if he ever did care about me, we could never have a life together. We are just too different. I had always kind of put that aside before but realize it more now.

March 26, 2008
2:47 pm
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AQueen
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There comes a point where you have to chose between being right and being happy BMom. You are right that you have lived their the longes and because of that you should've be the one to move. Well try looking at it like this--You are the one that is having a problem with this man. You have had a problem with this man for a long time. You have an addiction and your addiction is reaching a critical point where you are ruled by thoughts of him, obsessing, wishing, hoping, living in a fantasy world, etc. You need to move because you need to take care of yourself and your happiness. Nobody else is going to do it for you. He sure as hell isn't concerned about your happiness so he isn't going to be the bigger person and move just to accommadate you. Since when has he EVER gone out of his way to accommadate you? NEVER. You need to be the one to move because you need to take your power back and put your well being first. This is not healthy, this is toxic, and it is certainly disfunctional.

Remember he wasn't your boyfriend. You wanted more and he didn't. He was content to fuck you, live off of you, use you, pawn his son off on you because he's a bad father, and list goes on and on. This guy is disgusting. He's no prize. He's a felon that played you like a trick. Remember? He never cared, he used you point blank. When you started wanting more and weren't going to settle with the crumbs he was giving he moved on. He's a deadbeat bad, lives a parasitic lifestyle by living off women, he's a drug felon, he's a loser! You are obsessing because you are living in a fantasy world. You making up these fantasies of how great it was and how much you miss him and how you wish he would take you back. He was never your man in the first place so there is no taking you back. He was never wonderful in the first place. You miss his presence, toxic as is was. You miss having someone, anyone. You are missing an illusion. You were NOT happy with this guy. That's why the arrangement you had ended.

I have gone through the same thing so I'm not knocking you sweetie. Remember last year when I kicked my ex out March 22nd 2006. I was happy, I felt on top of the world, I was DONE!!! Then the sadness hit, the guilt, the denial, the anger, then the sadness, the guilt, and then finally finally finally acceptance. Until I truely accepted the situation for what it truely was I couldn't stop thinking out him daily. I kicked him out. I didn't want to be with him. He wasn't nice, he was selfish, manipulative, a whiner, lazy, a thief, a con man, a addict, a real piece of work. But I seemed to forget all that once he was gone. I missed him, but I couldn't really think of too many things I missed so I listened to sad songs and got all depressed and missed him more. Then I agreed to meet up with him and BAM I was shocked back into reality. I remember how much he sucked. So for awhile I wouldn't miss him because the real him was fresh in my mind after seeing him. But come a month or two later I would be missing him again. THen I would see him and BAM I would remember why I left and the cycle would repeat itself. I continued seeing a therapist, attending support groups, bettering my life and over time and after staying away from him I got better. The next time I saw him around the hospital I no longer felt that way for him anymore. I saw him for what he was. A pathetic hustler that is losing his looks, homeless, and totally addicted. I don't feel that pull anymore, that missing him feeling, none of it. I finally accepted reality. When I did I got better.

Do you have a sponsor in CODA? If you don't you need to get one and start working the steps. Attending meetings is only part of the program. You aren' really in recovery until you start working the steps with a sponsor. You can't reap the benefits of real recovery until you start working the steps. The obsession will be lifted when you get honest and get a sponsor and start working those steps like you life depends on it because it does. You will continue to obsess over him or hook up with some other toxic man until you chose to end the chaos and really enter recovery.

You can break free from this cycle of obsession and living in a fantasy world but it takes effort BMom and it takes reaching out for help from others. Making friends in recovery, getting involved, getting a sponsor and doing those steps, it's worth it. A good way to meet people and get out of your own head and your own problems for a bit is to volunteer for a service position at a meeting. Service positions are making coffee, being a greeter, being a clean up person after the meeting. You meet people if you volunteer for one of those positions, go for it!

AQueen

March 26, 2008
3:28 pm
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bmom74
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Good to hear from you AQueen. I was kind of wondering where you were. You always have good feedback and good advice.

I am working the twelve steps but to get around past that 4th step is a tough one. I heard one person in our group who has been there for a long time has never done a 4th step because it is so difficult. Actually, I finally did a 4th step around this whole thing with him about six weeks ago. I was totally drained after I did it. It was like the poison had come out. My sponsor had told me that is how it would feel and it did. I may need to go back and do another one.

Your note reminding me it was never what I had hoped for was helpful. So, so true. You are right in that I am making this into something it never was. He has never, never, ever gone out of his way for me or done anything for me. Of the 5 times I was in the hospital last year, he only came to see me once. How could I have forgotten how devastated I was when he didn’t show up?? It is all coming back to me now.

You are also right that he is a crummy person basically … drug felon, does not take care of kids, etc. My therapist is really starting to delve into why I would even want a person like this. Where is my self-esteem??

I need to face the reality of the situation. I thought I had done that but it keeps coming back. The whole no contact thing again. No contact is the only thing that works. Everytime I think maybe I am healthy enough to have any kind of communication with him at all, I fall back into this pattern. I have had difficulty getting over relationships before as I think I posted the other day, but nothing ever, ever like this. It has scared me at times because I have been afraid I am just not strong enough to fight it. It is very weird to me to even have these kinds of feelings.

It helps me so much to talk about it. It really does but it is tough to talk sometimes on here. Taj, I love ya, but that last post was tough. I know everything you are saying is true .. .don’t get me wrong … but sometimes I just need to vent and after a post like that, I don’t always feel free to do so. Having said that, I know you always mean well, believe me I do.

AQueen, thanks for the note. As I said, I was kind of wondering where you were. It was good to hear from you.

Hugs,
bmom

March 26, 2008
4:09 pm
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bmom74
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After thinking about it ..... I wanted to add something maybe in defense of my insanity ...

He pretty much calls the house regularly over the past couple of months. Most times (but not all I must admit) I see it is him on the caller ID and do not answer. This is something I could not have done 8 months ago. I had gone out with friends last Friday night and one of my friends had left her car in my driveway and we went in another friend's car. He called the house and first asked my daughter if I had gotten a new car. She said no so he wanted to know whose car was in the driveway. My daughter said she didn't know as she was not there when I left. He then asked her if "they" had taken my car. My daughter told him no, that my car was acrossed the street. So, then he wanted to know who I went with and where I went. She said she didn't know and she truly didn't.

The night before he had called the house three different times and asked my daughter the third time why I was not taking his calls. She told him I was not there which was true only part of the time.

So, don't get me wrong ... I KNOW he does not care about me... truly, truly in my heart, I do. But, is he doing this just to drive me crazy?? My friend says it is the whole thing of he does not want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me.

Taj, before you blast me :), I am not reading anything into this at all about him caring for me. But this makes it tough sometimes. Time to change my phone number I guess.

March 26, 2008
8:23 pm
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My only and last comment to you is that he is toxic for you. You are truly truly truly in fantasy land and you been there for a very long time. You even see something there that is not. he lives down the street now, remember, he is not doing anything crazy at all, you are reading things that just arent there. If you want to get on with things, let it go. Three words that go a very long way - let it go. See he thinks it is ok and that is a game, you stop calling - without any reason so he wonders what is up, did he do something blah blah blah, it is about him, nothing absolutely nothing to do with you. What you see as him crazy over you is something completely different - just a phone call. Please - hope you see it for what it is, he lives near you, you are there, he lived with you, he is being human and that is it, being human. I wish you luck though, moving to a new place, new surrounding, probabably could be an exciting adventure if you could see it that way. Good luck, you will get better if you want to.

March 27, 2008
9:54 am
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Hi, Taj. I agree with you somewhat. I have been going through this for 8 months, true, but there are people on here who say they have gone through this for 2 or 3 years. I am not going to apologize for that. Also, I never said I thought he was crazy about me because he calls. However, most of my friends don't call and ask who I am with and where I went is all. Maybe it is just a game to him as you said.

I know I am having a hard time getting over this but I have made progress. I know I still have further to go, believe me. But, I am not going to apologize for the fact I am still on that journey.

Thanks for the post.

bmom

March 27, 2008
7:10 pm
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Look I will be honest, I have been at it for 3 years so you see im no different. I still in love with the ex. That will never go away. But I have done what I need to do, kept away from him, for my own good. If progress is made in your heart that is all that is needed. Keep on your journey. Im kind of done here, this place, but i know you will make it. Really it is a lifetime journey. There is no end result. Just peace of mind.

I gotta run. I think it my time is really done at this place. See ya!!

You will do just fine, i just know it. NO CONTACT IS A WONDERFUL THING. Stay away from toxic people. That is what I need to do, stay away from toxic people.

March 28, 2008
10:57 am
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Hi, Taj. Since you say you are leaving here, not sure if you will see this, but thanks for the note.

I simply have to get control of this. I feel sometimes like I am losing my mind.

AQueen, are you there?? You gave me some very good advice. I actually printed off your post and put it in my planner so when I am starting to obsess I can read it.

Here is the thing today ... I am pretty sure he does have a girlfriend right now. The only reason I say this is because he has not been calling or coming around and he has kind of "disappeared." Of course, I have also been trying to do the no contact thing so maybe that is why I have not seen him. But I do know when he "disappears" this is kind of his "M.O." when he has a new girlfriend because he is spending alot of time with her. Okay, guys, I KNOW he has a right to a girlfriend, I KNOW I was never his girlfriend and I KNOW he will have other girlfriends. So, I do KNOW this ... but here is what my problem seems to be ... it is the anticipation of actually knowing this or having it in front of my face. If he does have a girlfriend, I don't think anyone will tell me because I have basically told everyone I don't want to hear about him. My friends are good at honoring that so they would not tell me if they had seen him with someone. I am driving myself crazy wondering ... even though I know everything you guys have told me ... it is NONE of my business and all he did was USE me ... I swear I know this ... so why is the anticipation killing me?? I think I posted about this the other day ... when I get this fear of anticipation going, the anxiety practically comes out of my fingernails. Believe me when I say I know, I so well know, everything you guys are saying and I know it is true ... why the hell do I get so anxious like this???

I know I said yesterday I was not going to apologize for 8 months passing and I am still not over this but... honestly, I don't know how people deal with it when it takes 2-3 years. I will be truly insane by then.

I am praying for God to remove this obsession ..

March 28, 2008
11:19 am
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Hi, BMom...

Wanted to share this with you. It took me 16 months to leave one toxic relationship. Yup...we were together (on/off - huge "push/pull" relationship) for a total of 16 months, before I finally stepped back and said "No More!" However, AFTER initiating TOTAL No Contact, I was "over him" emotionally within about 4 months. Totally and completely. So, No Contact is the key.

With the second toxic guy -- the one I married -- I left him within 11 weeks (so I see that as an improvement in reaction time on my part!!) and was TOTALLY over him emotionally within 3 months. Nothing. Not even a twinge.

Again, the determining factor for getting over them was complete No Contact. TOTAL. No calls. (I blocked them and changed my cell #). Blocked emails. No third-party contact (which you seem to have taken care of). Nothing.

If you do this, you will get over him so fast, you will amaze yourself.

Do the best that you can to achieve N/C. Therein lies your answer.

- Ma Strong

March 28, 2008
11:50 am
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Thanks, Ma.

I know you say, and everyone says, no contact ... but should I ask one of my friends if he is dating someone?? Would this help prepare me for it or just make it worse??

March 29, 2008
2:07 pm
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Asking a third party for information about the ex's dating (or any other data about his life) is known as "Third Party Contact" and is a violation of No Contact because it will definitely set you back emotionally, to hear about him.

Hugs,

Ma Strong

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