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Started working through things and now this...What to do?
June 18, 2007
12:51 am
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needingtodealwithme
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Well, I have been going to counseling for the last few months since the break up, but I think I made the mistake of getting right into another relationship...even moved in with him. I don't know if I have stunted my emotional growth with this relationship, but it doesn't really matter now because I just found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant.
How am I supposed to find myself and grow into the new and improved me now? I keep telling myself it just means I only have nine months now....am I kidding myself? Plus, I'm not used to doing this with the person who impregnated me, and this one wants to be totally involved...I just want to leave and do it myself. Especially since all his friends, save two or three, hate me and give him endless grief on a daily basis for dating me. They don't even know me...haven't tried. I try to talk to them and they either ignore me or give one word answers until I give up. And my boyfriend lets them do all this. He lets them try to run his life. I don't know if I can handle the negativity and all...I need to focus on me, right? What should I do?

June 18, 2007
12:55 am
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Randomwomen2
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(((needingtodealwithme))) I am so sorry that you are going through such an emotional time right now. Just because your pregnant does not mean that you have to stop working on you. By the way congrats sweetheart. Have you told him that your pregnant yet?

June 18, 2007
1:38 am
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fantas
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Needingtodealwithme, congratulations!, dealing with yourself is a life long venture that we are all on. You are quite blessed in that you are already on this journey and now that you have a baby on the way, the work is even that much more important. Whether or not this relationship succeeds is really up to the both of you right? But either way, you will be a mom in 9 months. Keep working, we all are hon. Keep posting and reaching out. People here are very generous in the words, thoughts and hugs 🙂

June 18, 2007
3:29 am
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needingtodealwithme
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Oh he knows about the pregnancy..hence him wanting to be there 100%. I know it's a life long journey of discovery and reinvention...I just want this time to be thorough and not take so dang long hahahaha...But seriously I look at it as a second chance since my twins got manipulated away from me by my grandparents (LOONNGG story), and when I was living there I was told how to care for them, down to the smallest detail. I just really hope I don't miscarry this time..already have twice in the last six or so years. The last one was in late 2005, and it was really bad. I'm just really nervous, and stressed. I need a job really bad now, but the market here sucks. I am NOT going to tell my family until...well, Im thinking not until the kid is 18, hahahaha. I'm pretty proud of myself because Im not as concerned what my family will think as I used to, I just don't want the negativity I know they will throw at me. That and the fact at least one of them will try to control what I do, blah blah..
At least all of my friends have been really supportive, congratulatory, and positive. My best friend has been trying to keep my spirits up, because shes really worried about me miscarrying and knows that if Im negative that could cause one. But I go on...please, keep the encouragement and suggestions coming.

June 18, 2007
6:25 am
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StronginHim77
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Your twins were taken from you? That sounds devastating. Can you share more?

- Ma Strong

June 18, 2007
8:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
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welcome.

for one...don't worry about the 9 month "deadline"...small children are resilient...so if you aren't the perfect mom in the beginning, it's not going to be the end of the world...just make sure you love them best you can and make sure they are safe, loved and healthy and happy.

Now, one of the worst possible situations is being pregnant with a man who you don't want in your life...and now he wants to be there for everything. I really wish I had advice on this one...I don't. I was lucky enough to have my first daughter's father walk away clean...and now with my second, the dad is here, and I love him to death.

Keep the focus on you, try to stay positive. Involve him ONLY as much as you can tolerate...maybe only for doctor visits as you progress, etc. Know that he DOES have rights to the baby, so blocking him may put you at risk for him trying to get custody. So, trying to push him away may hurt more than help.

Try to find a middle ground. If he is abusive, then by all means, take whatever precautions, including a protective order, you need.

Congrats...and maybe, as part of your healing, you can work thru your fears of losing the baby...as well as the fears of losing the baby to a someone else again.

June 18, 2007
12:12 pm
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nappy
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Do you love this man that you are with now?
And please be honest with yourself.
You say that you are going to counseling for the break up of another person and now you are with someone else. And now you are going to have a baby.
This sound like you really need to sit down and be honest with yourself and what you want out of life.
I understand that we all have dreams about what life suppose to be but sometimes when we wake up it is really reality.
Be honesty with this man and be honest with yourself. You is bringing in another person in this world and you will have to be prepare for it, whether or not you are with this person or not.
Nappy!

June 18, 2007
12:20 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I was rereading and I think I misread before.

I didn't realize that you were still with this man...I thought you had broken up with him already.

Nappy asked - do you love him....I ask - can you be with him given the existing conditions?

I understand that the negativity from his friends is overwhelming and hurtful....my question would be - will he "change" now that a baby is coming?

I have seen men make radical transormations when a baby is coming...they get protective of the mom, of the baby...they become the number one priority and all the friends can go pound sand.

I wonder if he would go this way...or if his friend's input would continue to cause a rift.

Perhaps you can talk to him and explain how you feel and see if you guys can meet half way...have you tried talking to him about his friends and their interference?

Perhaps you can explain that the negativity stresses you out and scares you due to your history of miscarriage....if he truly is happy about the baby, he may work very hard to make sure you stay healthy and safe so you don't miscarry...instead of aggravating it and risking it.

communication is key here.

June 20, 2007
5:05 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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Ok, let me try to answer some of the questions in a moment, because there has been some new developments.
I ended up in the ER Monday night for really bad kidney and bladder pain. Loong story short, they found that theres blood around the gestational sac and now I'm on bed rest until my appointment with the OB on Friday. I was in the ER for over 11 hours, during which the first nurse on shift messed up MAJORLY! It's in my chart and I told this woman several times that I am allergic to latex. She acknowledged me, and went on with her business. She put the catheter in and when I started bawling from the pain she just walked away. I laid there in pain for a good hour or more until another woman came in to take me to the sonogram....she went to put the side gaurd thingy up, and when I protested she tried to reassure me. I told her the catheter was hurting soo bad, like there was latex in it or something. She stopped and looked at me and said, "Girlfriend, it is latex." I've never seen anyone in that hospital move so fast. Needless to say, they got it changed out with a latex free one.
Anyhoo, to answer some of y'alls questions. I am still with the father, in fact at the moment we live together with his dad. I am trying to get a job so I can move out on my own, but in the same complex because it's close to everything and my friends/family. I try to be patient with him. I have tried talking to him about his friends. Even my counselor told him he needs to step back and examine some of them and decide whether or not to close those doors, so to speak. As far as I can see, he hasn't. He told me in the ER he would take care of me. That night, after we had gotten home and gotten some sleep, he went ahead and had his friends come for the D&D game. I had asked if he would consider canceling when we were still at the hospital, and that was a stupid question. He hasn't really put me first, except the few times he has told them he can't hang out bc he promised to hang with me. But that was if they call last minute. He won't change plans with friends because, the ones Im thinking of anyway, they throw fits if he does. I have seen it. He was supposed to go with them at 8 one night, but we had decided to do a cook out with my best friend and her kids so he had to move it back to 9. They threw a huge hissy fit, hung up on him, etc. It ruined our night. He wouldn't eat, and I was pissed he let them treat him that way. So no, he has n't gotten really protective of me. I wish he would...
The other ? was if I love him....hmmm...I think at least part of me does. I go through these moments of no, then yes, then maybe, then no, then yes. We have decided to back off if I do miscarry. Get seperate lives, I guess. See eachother whenever. I guess that is ok.Makes me feel like he doesn't care that much. Maybe thats just me though. I think Im ready for being on my own, seeing him occasionally. One of my friends went through a divorce the same time as me (she was legally married though, I was just in a committed lesbian rel.) and shes loving being single right now. She lives in the house with her grandma. She is really really happy. I want that. I want it really badly. I want to start finding myself more.
Alright, I think I've written enough. Ahh, venting...hahaha.

June 20, 2007
6:13 pm
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nappy
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Ummmm.............

Let me get this straight. You went to the ER and you were in pain with your kidney and bladder. Girlfriend, I know the pain but were you really thinking about yourself or were you still thinking about him and how close and protective he is going to make you feel?
I don't get it.

What makes you think that just because you are sick that he is going to change over night?

If he wasn't treating you well while you are walking upright, what makes you think that because you are laying on your back that he is going to change?

I don't know the ages of you two but it just seem like this is a kid game to me. He just seem like he is in that child stage and he is not grown yet. Heck, he still lives with his father and you are too.

And then you say that if you moved, you going to move right in the same place as him. I don't get it.

You started your thread as
Started working through things and now this?
Were you talking about yourself and trying to get yourself together or were you talking about him.
Nappy!

June 21, 2007
5:20 am
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needingtodealwithme
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No actually he treats me really well, it's just a few little things that bother me. I went to the ER because of the pain and was worried it could be an UTI, which can cause serious problems during pregnancy. If I do move, I will be living in the same apartment complex, which is like 10 or 15 buildings large so I wouldn't necessarily be in the same building as him. I think I'm really picky about someone treats me when Im pregnant because of how I was treated in the past.My boyfriend actually treats me pretty well, there's just a few things he does that betray his age. He's 21. He still lives with his dad because his dad wants him to and he doesn't really have the income to move on his own. He's had offers to be people's roommates, but he's declined for different reasons. I know him and his dad are really close, so I think that's a big part of it (that and he's on the lease). The reason I am here right now is because of being kicked out of the place I lived with my ex..with no income. They took mercy on me and let me come stay here until I get on my feet in the job department. Which has looked up! I got a call from the company I had sent a letter of interest in to for the Youth Coordinator position about a week or less ago, and I have an appointment on the 26th. Now if I could only get the confidence that I can do this job and they need to hire me...that's my problem I guess. I lack the confidence of my capabilities. Maybe I can work on that in the next few days and get it enough for this interview. Well. wish me luck.

June 21, 2007
8:14 am
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risingfromtheashes
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well, it would appear you are only together because of the baby. You mention going separate ways if you miscarry...that pretty much tells you where each of you stand in eachothers lives.

I think it's great that you want to be together for sake of baby, but it isn't necessary...but you seem to understand that.

I don't think this guy is mature, period. His behaviour is very immature for 21 - I won't judge, but I thought D&D went out of style ages ago...didn't know anyone still did it, nor did I realize people of that age still played. That may account for the immature behaviour on his friend's part too.

You mentioned quickly that you were in a lesbian relationship - is this your first heterosexual relationship?

Did you guys hook up before or after you moved in with him? Again, I won't judge, as I understand being homeless and taking the first place that comes available...without thinking of the consequences.

It would seem that you have a pretty good idea that living separately would be best....I wish you well on the job search.

June 21, 2007
8:01 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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We aren't necessarily going our separate ways, I'm just finding my own place so we aren't seeing eachother every day, on eachother's nerves....the way things tend to get when you live with someone.
I actually know alot of people who play D&D, several of them grown men and women. I don't see how a game would make you immature, but ok....

June 22, 2007
8:36 am
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risingfromtheashes
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the D&D thing...just my own perception, perhaps a stereotype if you will? I apologize for it.

It's been years since I heard about D&D - back in school in the 80's - many "nerdy" types played it...so maybe my perception comes from that...again, wrong of me to assume.

Anyway...you are separating but staying together?

I wonder if you are having your cake and eat it too? or giving him his and letting him do the same?

I can't see how living apart would help you draw closer? You have a baby coming and it would be more natural to be coming together more, not pulling away?

It sounds like a commitment without the commitment, kind of thing?

What do you feel your future with this man is? Do you plan on raising the kid together in the same household? Do you plan on continuing with your lesbian relationships?

Just trying to understand more, that's all.

June 22, 2007
3:15 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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Well, I go today to find out more info on whether or not Im miscarrying. Since I've been through this before with the same doc, I know it's going to be a we'll have to see thing. How retarded is that? Maybe I should have them draw blood to check the hormone levels.
The lesbian relationship I was in, as I stated above, is completely over. The only way I will be moving out of here without my bf is if I miscarry. If I don't...well, we haven't really talked about it. I know he wants to raise it together, in the same household. It's kind of sad because part of me is hoping it is a miscarriage, so I can fix me without having an innocent child there that needs me..doesnt seem to fair to the kid. And now my mom isn't speaking to me because I "assumed" what discussion we would be having if we talked on the phone...the same damn conversation anytime anything "bad" happens. I told her I didn't want to have that conversation and my counselor told me I need to set boundaries. That didn't go over very well. She said that I always blame others for my problems....isn't that assuming herself? She hasn't been that close to me...since I was like 4 or 5.I blame myself for many things, and my counselor tells me that its not me to blame.I didn't leave any details out. So who's right? Mom or the counselor?

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