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stalking
February 8, 2003
8:17 pm
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stalking. I had never thought of that until a detective mentioned it. I really thought my life was just domestic violence survivorhood. Kinda bugs that now people say this is not "normal." There's a thread somewhere where somebody mentions stalking but I can't find it now. It made me think alot. It's Jumanji. EVer see that movie? the board boom-booms and ya go get it out of curiosity or something and then.........whenever it says, ya gotta roll. Ya certainly can't tell anybody about all of it kuz surely it's not real, no way no how. Besides, the picture is so complex. It's the board , you, and and a few others who happened to be there when ya found it. Boom boom. does anybody think this is a good description?

February 9, 2003
4:19 am
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I am feeling very alone. I need somebody to respond to this post.

February 9, 2003
5:34 am
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What's going on free?

Can you tell us why you feel angry at people telling you that what you went through with your ex was 'not normal'?

February 9, 2003
12:57 pm
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I'm not sure. At the moment, I'm having a cup of coffee, and thinking. I'm angry but it's turning to grief. It's a big thing for me to someday be free from violence. To live a normal life like everybody else does. Have worked very hard towards that goal. Thought I had it all figured out, and then find out nope- still a victim. I know it's not my fault, and that he is the perpetrator. I don't know.

February 13, 2003
1:30 am
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I know what is upsetting me nowI'm really having a tough time with this fear thing now. One incident during my marriage my ex was going bonkers in the garage while I was just serving dinner to my kids and there was a gun shot in the garage and I ran over, locked the door, told the kids to get in the car. Went through McDonald's and got happy meals kuz they were hungry. Went and found my friend at the laundromat. told her my ex might be dead. She called 911. We went back to the house. The cops wanted to see all the guns. My ex loves those things. So I showed them all except the one he fired. My ex said it was an air compressor pop. It was the 22 pistol thing. They took him to a hotel. Put the kids to bed. Never freaked. Never cried. I went to bed too and the next day was a new day. I can see now that I had become numb to fear. So this is new. I ran into him at Wal Mart last night. he now has federal stalking charges filed against him and a trial is imminent. he has to stay 500 yards from my fehicle, my, my work. I've a restraining order. he walked in as I was at the checkout stand. We made eye contact. he kept walking toward me. I thought he'd turn and walk away. He did not. I pulled out my cell phone. he started laughing. Called 911. he walked up to my daughter and I- Imoved away from the checkstand he gave my daughter a high five. He was with 10 feet of me, laughing. The officer said he'd sent someone over to take a report later. I ran over to the McDonald's inside the store. I was so scared. he's not afraid of the restraining order. O 911. he laughed. I called 911 again. I begged for a police officer to come. The officer said he'd stay on the phone with me while I went to my car. Tht's a good idea. We got to my car- he was parked 2 cars down. He had to have driven by my car to park, and walk past it to come into Wal Mart. He knew I was there. Ifreaked when I saw his car. I ran. With my daughter and the cart of stuff. To food co in the same shopping center and I was so upset now I was so scared i couldn't breathe and think all I could think was run run run...Hid in the deli in a storage place. Finally, an officer came. he followed us to my car. My ex had left. The message from my ex is clear. I have a restraining order, stalking charges are filed, a trial is imminent, I have a cell phone, and he is going to do whatever it is that he wants to do, regardless of all that. I feel so helpless. So helpless. I was holding it together until I saw his car. People tell me - stand up to him, laugh back, tell him to %$#@ off. I did that when we were married. Ended up with a gun to my head, being thrown into a wall and knocked out, forced sex- so much more- no, I do NOT stand up to this man. I will die. And I don't want to anymore. My kids might die. And I might live. My worst nightmare. I've been trying to heal from dv. In the process I learned to love, to like, to cherish things, to play. It is now apprent that with this comes the price of learning to feel fear. This is really poopy. I am so scared right now. So scared. I just can't recall this feeling. Coping mechanisms- didn't kick in yesterday- no dissociatin ("splitting"), no calm, logical, separated strategies. Just total freak out. I'm so humiliated at my response to run, in hysterics, crying, screaming, hyperventilating, into Foodco begging for a place to hide, with 911 telling me to calm down. Calm down? No normal person would so blatantly violte a restraining order. Oh, this fear crap sucks. Is it worth learning to live, to find passion in a career, to love and let myself be loved, to find beauty insmall things as children do. I'm so exhausted. he wages these wars and always wins. He is winning now. I'm utterly terrified. The last time I remember this feeling was when I met my rapist, and the first time my ex went bonkers and choked me and threw me so hard I hit the wall and was knowcked out. We've been divorced for 4 years, separated for 6. Or in that ballpark. I'm beginning to wonder if i can survive. I haven't felt that way for so long. I've learned from experience that if I don't figure it out, then nobody will. and I've 3 kids to raise. A fiance. Friends- the true kind. And love flowers and gardening, my career. I'm financially independent. And I feel that I'm drowning right now. In fear. Wuestioning my ability to hold it together now. Terrified of losing all I've fought for. Of just checking out. I'm so scared. It's almost all I think of now. So scared. How the hell do people deal with this shit? It's so intense it's oppressive.I gotta meet with the DA Friday. the officer who responded yesterday is filing a criminal charge against him for violating the restraining order.Where is scottie when you need him? Jeepers, somebody BEAM ME THE HECK OUT OF HERE. Anytime is fine! Now is best!

free

February 13, 2003
10:51 am
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Hugs, Free.
So sorry that Your Ex is such A SOB.

Moving to a different area may still be an option?

It would be harder for him to intimidate you...

No one should have to endure the suffering you have been put through. Hang On. Don't let him win.

February 13, 2003
2:53 pm
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Hi free~

I wouldn't hurt to ask the DA about something similar to a witness protection. Where you can change your name, address, everything and he can't trace you. It might help that he did violate the restraining order. For some guys that only goads them on. Obviously he is not going to honor the order just to get a rise out of you. He laughed because he saw the fear in your eyes. It guess it must give the jerk some feeling of power. What a sicko!

Your fear is real. He is dangerous, and you know that first hand. Now that you are out of his grasp you are able to feel that fear that you hid from yourself when you were with him. I don't blame you one little bit. You were traumatized when living with him, and the backlash you felt maybe magnified the fear some, but with good cause.

It is not your fault! Get angry, not sad! You need to be there for your kids! And, you need to prove to him you CAN live your life without his torture.

Hang in there...

Jenny

February 14, 2003
2:38 am
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I've an appointment with the DA tomorrow and an ivestigator. I'm getting a mindset. They want to know what my life is like, what's happened, and I'm going to tell them. What they do with the information is their business. I'm not gonna sugar coat jack crap. Not gonna make any excuses. I intend to be brutally honest. yes, he held a gun to my head, and this is how I responded. Yes he choked me and I punched and gave him a bloody nose so he lauched me against a wall and I knocked out cold. yes he violated the previous restraining order. Yes he did that, yes he did this, and yes I did that, and yes I did this. and that's it. Take it, leave it, prosecute it, believe it, don't believe it. But what I'm gonna do tomorrow at 10 am is find emotional and spiritual freedom. I'm gonna tell the facts. They wanna know what my life has been like for the past 10 years. I'm gonna tell them. What they do with that info is their busines. I will never again feel fear of being held accountable if something really bad happens. I've been terrified for too long, been the "fixer" for too long. I can't fix jack crap. I say you people- the system- you go for it. I ain't standing in the way anymore. Do your magic. And if ya can't-I will always appreciate the effort. Kuz I'm just plain exhausted. I intend to make this appointment, tell all, answer all, and then on the way home go to Wal Mart and get some flowers to plant, come home, and plant them.Surely I will experience deep pain, and in the end beauty will emerge- in color, alive, and it's gonna be because of my pain. No matter what happens, if I die, my kids die, he dies, goes to jail, everything goes back to the way it was, etc., come summer there will be color and life in the yard I so deeply enjoy. And it's gonna start tomorrow after this appointment. What ya think?

free

February 14, 2003
5:04 am
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free...hi. you are strong and amazing, and just having made the appt with the DA alone, brings you one step closer to being "free." just remember and i think i speak for more than just me when i say that we are here for you no matter what happens. Consider us as a shoulder to cry on or a friend to jump for joy with. no matter what the end result, we're all here listening.

((((((((((FREE))))))))))

kitten

February 14, 2003
9:44 am
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I think you are very brave, Free. And, with God's help, you will persevere.

Plant those flowers, get the DA informed, and work towards having your life free of fear. You have had enough trauma in your life, and you deserve a break.

May Peace and Happiness follow you today.

Jenny

February 14, 2003
10:03 am
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Free - you amaze me at your strength and character. May God bless your efforts on all of this. You deserve to live a life free of fear and torment. We are all behind you and care. Plant those flowers and know that new life is beginning and you will see the fruits of it.

February 14, 2003
2:37 pm
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Hey free,

did you see this quote at the top: "When flowing water...meets with obstacles on its path, a blockage in its journey, it pauses. It increases in volume and strength, filling up in front of the obstacle and eventually spilling past it... Do not turn and run, for there is nowhere worthwhile for you to go. Do not attempt to push ahead into the danger...emulate the example of the water: Pause and build up your strength until the obstacle no longer represents a blockage. -from the I Ching"

<<<>>> my hugs seem to be spiky 😉

February 14, 2003
4:20 pm
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Free the anger.....free the fear...
Be free....to choose and be heard.

February 14, 2003
5:10 pm
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You know, I read this and I almost didn't even write because I feel like an alarmist doing it but I just feel I have to say this and you can digest it as you will.

You've got a game of wills going on here and I have a real bad gut feeling he will have the last word here. The system really doesn't work most of the time. I hate to say that but it doesn't. You put your trust in it and think that it will keep you safe and most of the time it gives you a false sense of security.

He gets something from all this and if you win in some fashion then he has to up the anty. If you get calm and peaceful, he has to disturb that. It all depends on how well wired he is and if he's on drugs or drunk at the time he decides to "show you" what's up in the game of one-up-manship. Do you get my drift here?

When he gets in that state of mind, the police or a restraining order isn't going to protect you much because - they won't be there and he won't care. He wants to make you pay for whatever he has assigned to you. You just happen to be his target for now regardless of what you did or didn't do. It doesn't matter with people like this. It's just a vicious game they play and some play it out with deadly consequences.

It's possible that through all this he will play nice and move onto harrassing someone else, but there is also a good chance that he will continue tormenting you.

You cannot drop your guard. It's a difficult situation to be in and I know you would find it hard to just pick up and move away. Then again, sometimes you have to really look at what you are dealing with and sometimes it's just not worth the effort of looking over your shoulder all the time and worrying and pushing the envelope.

Guys like this blame whoever it is they have picked as their scapegoat for whatever crappy day they are having at the moment and they just up and decide - you know what? I'm just going to do such and such and the bad thing is - they go and do it.

He's not dealing with a full deck any way you look at it. And going to court and getting a restraining order and all that sounds great and wonderful but in the heat of whatever moment, a piece of paper won't protect you.

There are times in life when drastic measures are needed and you may be in one of those times where you might need to fish or cut bait. I've done that many times in my life and never regretted it at all. I took the power right away from whoever and said - I will remove myself from this situation and that is that.

So just think about this and really be vigilant. I don't trust people like this any further than I can throw them and I don't trust the system. It's fine when it works and it's extremely sad when it doesn't.

I'm not trying to increase your fear here, I just want you to be safe and being safe isn't about spinning and becoming hysterical, it's about taking action that will really, really solve the problem. Whatever that solution is, I hope you find it for the sake of you and your children's wellfare and peace of mind.

February 16, 2003
1:34 am
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Thanks all, for the support and hugs. It means a great deal to me, and I intend to be heard. Laedska, it's difficult to alarm me and increase my fear unless you're my ex husband. There is a very real possibility that he will shoot me,the kids, members of my family, my attorney, himself, my fiance, my friends, somebody, or some combination of us. My ex and I are the only ones who know this for a fact. That gut feeling you have, I've had it for about 10 years now. I've always protected my ex as it has been the only way to protect the kids and I. I've enabled his behavior, by keeping it secret, or minimizing, or making excuses, because I was so afraid of what he might do. Last Tuesday afternoon he violated the restraining order. At some point something in my head said Nobody's coming, nobody's helping, nobody knows what my ex is capable of but him and me, and I ran, with 911 on the phone and the fear that is in your gut, that fear I've had for so many years, erupted and I really thought this was it. I ran and hid and finally an officer came and followed me home and I cried so hard that night, all night, I went to work the next day for a few hours and came home. I could not stop crying, or vomiting. Took some medication, and I slept. Now I'm very numb. I cry a little. I get angry a little. Everything a little. I don't have any control over whether or not he kills anybody. I never have. I've no control over his behavior. Never have. But what I can control, hopefully, is whether or not I can finally stand up to him in court and say no more. The game is over. I will no longer enable it to continue. I will tell all. No more secrets. I might cry, but fear is not going to shut me up. Not anymore. I will no longer make any excuses for his behavior. There are none. I will no longer protect him. He is guilty of felony stalking. he is guilty of much more, but the time to hold him accountable for that has passed. I will not agree to his pleading to a misdemeanor charge with probation. No matter what the cost. he is guilty of felony stalking. A few months ago, I told a few outsiders. Now I intend to tell anybody who will listen, including a jury. I contain my fear quite well as this has been necessary for me to survive, and I don't even know how I do it anymore, but every once in a while it breaks through. It is horrible and exhausting when this happens. i understand I need to be calm in the courtroom, and intend to do my best. But ya know what, I'm not going to be afraid of my fear. If my ex gets off because I hyperventilated, vomited, cried hysterically, etc.,so be it. They'll leave with a glimpse of what has been inside of me for the past 10 years of my life, which will surely lighten the load for me. It's time for a different story. It's time for change. Telling my whole story is new. And I'm gonna do it.

free

February 16, 2003
1:41 pm
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Free........I understand. I just want you guys to be safe in the interim time and afterwards before they actually arrest him, if they do. Lots of time there, lots of "ifs". I think if it were me, I'd be long gone with my kids, change my identity and just get the heck out of Dodge. Not because of lack of courage, quite the opposite - because putting your trust in your ability to remove you and yourself from a very dangerous situation takes alot of courage and may end up being alot better than thinking the system is going to protect you. I hope that....it turns out the way you want it to. But, there are high stakes here if it doesn't produce what you wish it would. It may make you feel better to do this. Believe me, I understand that. But I also know that if they don't put him away - what happens is - it just fuels his fire to see you up there like that and then the game continues on a nastier level and with him laughing at you because you tried and lost. I've been through all that. They really get full of themselves then and you have to also realize - they are a different breed of animal. He's a predator and will get more cocky and more arrogant as time goes on here if things play into his favor.

I just don't want you to pay a heavy price here because you put all your trust in the system, had your say and then get it anyway. Sometimes we really do have to run for our lives. There is no dishonor in that. I'm sorry if I'm sounding like I'm not on your bandwagon here. I very much am and I understand you very well here. But bottomline is - the safety of you and yours. I've seen people put all their trust in the police, in the legal system and I've seen the perpetrators get off scottfree and do horrible things. Just "think" here, stay in tune with your gut instinct at all times and watch over those children.

February 17, 2003
1:21 pm
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I'm not gonna run. It is a felony to leave the state with my kids- he would eventualy find me, I'd be arrested, he would gain sole custody. During the interim, I'd be living life on the run.
No. I want my life back. Right now he's taken off with 2 of the kids-only sent one home in the taxi I sent. I guess he's at his girlfriends' a couple hours away. I don't know when they are coming home. The Da will likely press charges for violation of a custody order. It is time everybody see, hear, know, about this man who has tormented me for years, regardless of whether or not he is found guilty. He won't stop, and I'll keep fighting, and eventually he'll be found guilty of what he has done: stalk me, batter me, terrorize me, directly and indirectly. I can't enable his behavior anymore. I told the DA no pleading down. he is guilty. I'm going to see my therapist shortly. He is going to prep me for trial. It's gonna be horrible. I know it's always darkest before the dawn. Just how how it all works. He's going to be there when I testify so that if I do any of that PTSD stuff, he'll pull me out of it. I've seen him for years- he knows and sees my coping strategies (they are so fined tuned nearly all people never know what my head is doing),and pulls me back. he grounds me.
It is most certainly a battle of the wills. He wants to maintain control of my life, and I want it back. I will protect my children to the best of my ability. He uses them. He always has. I have not been able to stop that. I'm angry. I have had enough.I've tried everything. EVERYTHING. The system is the last door available to freedom. If the system can't free me, nobody can. My story has been pretty much the same for 10 years now. 10 years! Somebody threw out a different life preserver. I'm grabbing.
I thank you deeply for your bluntness, and your concern. It is making me stronger. You see it how it is, and you tell it how it is. And that is giving me strength.

February 17, 2003
3:03 pm
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Okay.......I hear you and understand. I just want you guys safe regardless of anything else but believe me - I do understand standing and fighting, too. Been there, done that a few times. You have determination going for you, not hard to miss that one! And you've got a support system so that's wonderful!!! You're lucky on that one.

I hope that the system works for you, I really do. It CAN, it's just hard to gamble with it when it's your life and the life of your kids when you see how it doesn't work at times. But I see the spot you're in, too. Just makes me really ill and very angry that your back is up against a wall like this.

I admire you greatly and want you to know that - your strength is something quite rare. But you know.......when you've had enough, you'e just had enough and no way in hell - he would stand around while someone pushed his face in the mud either. But for some reason - it's supposed to be okay when they do it to us.

Just stay as calm and as determined and poised through all this as you possibly can. Stand tall and just tell it like it is. And again, be on your toes all the time wherever you are and keep your radar up and running. Yes, there is a time to stand and fight. You're right. When all the chips are down and your back is up against the wall - it's time.

February 20, 2003
12:25 am
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Well it looks like the fight begins tomorrow. I found this out around 2pm today. In brief, I've a restraining order that says my ex is to stay at least 500 yards, yep, yards, away from me, my home, my vehicle, my work. Last Tuesday he came into Wal Mart while my oldest and I were checking out. I saw him, he saw me, and he walked right up to us, I pulled out my cell phone to call 911, he started laughing, I turned away to both move away from him and call 911 and he gave my oldest a high five. I ended up going out to the car with a dispatcher on the phone with me, and he had parked 2 cars down from me. I panicked, ran. Hid in another store and waited for the cops who didn't find him there. The DA is supposedly pulling the video surveillance from Wal Mart and the 911 tapes (
God I hope it's not gonna be my word against his). Thursday night he had visitation. The kids should have come home Friday. Big ordeal- I sent a taxi, only one of three came home. He left with the others to his girlfriends (the kids say) until today, Wednesday. A report was filed for violation of the custody order. This morning I ran into him at my kids school. He shouldn't have been there- he's supposed to be at work by 7:15 a.m., I make sure I don't go there until that time, so we never run into each other. Any how, a bail hearing tomorrow at 9 a.m. and I have to testify. I'm not certain as to what this is all about. Kinda learning as I go. But I guess they want him arrested right there to face these charges- misdemeanors. There's already a priliminary hearing set for Monday-federal charges for stalking have been filed against him and he's plead not guilty, so it's gonna end up at trial most likely.Oh gosh I've taken a sleeping pill( I never do that but figured tonight's the night) and now I know why. Crash! I'm crashing.Ikeep telling myself, it's darkest before the dawn. It's been pretty dark for about ten years. Right now it's darkest. It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna tell it how it is. I'm sick of being a victim, a pawn in these games. No more games. I'm gonna just detach, and tell it how it is. Wow, these sleeping pills. Looks like I'm night night- wanna check one more post. Hold me in your thoughts and prayers please.

tomorrow at 9 am
free

February 20, 2003
12:46 am
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Good luck, Free. I hope you manage to get a positive result out of all of this. Do you have a friend or family member that could go with you to court for some support?

February 20, 2003
1:31 am
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My fiance is going, and my victim advocate will be there.These two people help me feel very strong, without a need to protect them from the truth. They are good for me, and quite good at telling me or signaling me to pull my head out when need be.My attorney's best at that, really, as is my therapist, but they';re not gonna be there tomorrow. My therapist will be at the preliminary hearing. I think I can handle tomorrow with the support I have. It's just stating what happened- I was not injured. What's gonna be hard is the preliminary- about the times I was hurt.It's hard to go back to those times. I find it owerwhelming- 10 years of pure hell. Tomorrow is three incidents, and I wasn't injured. I'm gonna do it. I'm tell it just the way I remember it. And everybody who is listening can choose to belief as they wish. I need to free myself from his grasp of hushing me in fear. No matter how afraid I am, I'm gonna tell it the way it is.If need be, I'll tell them that I'm scared. I think it's a normal response to what my ex has done to me. I see no reason to hide that. But every reason to tell things the way they are. I can't change this part of my life alone- in all other areas I've found success. I will let them help. Worse comes to worse, it all goes back to the way it was, or somebody gets shot. The shot part sucks big time. I've been afraid of that for years. It's now or never. Fire now or go jump in a lake. I'm sick of that threat. I'm sick , so sick, of being a victim. I can see now that my kids are doomed unless I do something. They are learning that violence and his acts are okay. No they aren't. They are destined to perpetuate the cycle. i'd rather , oh it's too hard to say. I just want to break the cycle,not just for me, but for them,

and I see no other way.

free

February 20, 2003
2:08 am
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It sounds like you have the right frame of mind, free. I'm glad you're going to have a 'support squad'. Think of this as a 'practice' for the preliminary hearing. Remember, you have the right to be heard. Don't worry if you cry. Don't worry if you feel sick. These aren't signs of weaknesses. You are STRONG because you are standing up and saying "I've had enough. This has to stop." You are STRONG because you have the guts to face some of your worst fears and not only face them but FIGHT them. No matter how the day goes, reward yourself (go out for a coffee or rent a movie or go for a walk on the beach or have a long hot bubble bath) as your reward for facing your fears and doing the best you can for you and your children. I hope that for once the system works for you. Good luck...I'll be thinking of you.

February 20, 2003
5:57 am
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Dear FREE,
My heart, and prayers are with you.
Please let us know...how you are.
Love and Hugs

February 20, 2003
10:48 am
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free,

I'm thinking of you also. You are a very strong woman. Once this is over, try to decompress. I like the bubble bath thing.

Sending the very best to you this morning...

Jenny

February 20, 2003
11:01 am
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I'm thinking of you, whish you luck and strength.

((((hug)))

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