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stalker, stalking, learning as we go
November 24, 2006
12:59 am
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GraceforTheMoment
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I just signed up tonight. I posted this earlier, but I thought it might help someone else out if this was under its own thread.

I dated a guy briefly from a Christian college fellowship last fall, then I finally realized how controlling he was, broke up and then the past 8-9 months had him try to "reconcile with me" in a various of different ways. He scared me, I told him, he was threatened with the police back in April and still approached me periodically. I told him, and through others that I forgave him but would never contact him again. The last letter I recieved was about 2 months ago.

A few mutual friends have been looking at me as if it is my fault. As of this past month there's a restraining order, so a judge agreed with me, this so far has helped me find closure emotionally. I am not happy it had to come to this, for 8 months I had hoped he would figure it out on his own..I felt like a horrible person. There were phone calls, a few letters, at the beginning of the 8 months he phyiscally blocked my movement twice because he wanted to talk.

I find it's painful to know that people I have known/been friends with for 4+ years suddenly turn against you despite having the law at your back. Some wrote letters supporting his "good character." I have had strong support though from a few close friends and my roommate. I am so blessed to have them in my life. This has been encouraging. I'm fresh out of college, and still a bit naive and I let him take control.

He convinced others that the restraining order wasn't "my idea" and it had been subplanted in me by someone close.

I've been doing research on stalking and harassment to understand that I'm not crazy and this wasn't my fault. It really is easy to convince yourself it is your fault and brush off incidents and another's actions as nothing or as a result of one's own behavior.

I've enjoyed reading some of the postings here. I'll have to check back, I just thought I would share my story in the case that another young woman happens upon this thread for the same reason.

http://www.harassment101.com/I.....ation.html

I found this helpful after I filed the restraining order. I was shocked at how much I could relate to. It's bizzare to be friends with someone, date them, break up and have them follow actions that are defined as stalking and harrassment. I know forgiveness is key and I do forgive him, but I don't think this is a situation I should ever forget. Please feel free to post with comments, criticism or whatever...I am interested to hear what others have to say.

November 24, 2006
8:33 am
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cyndra820
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Welcome Grace,

I'm sorry you were stalked!!! How awful!!!

The friends who wrote letters commending his character are being fooled by him. You saw the real him. The judge saw the real him. The friends who stand beside you and support you know you have no need to lie about his behavior and actions. Hold those close and ignore the rest. Either they are gullible or they were never real friends, but acquaintances.

Thanks for the information. I will definitely add it to my list of sites.

Welcome again.

Take care,
Cyndra

November 24, 2006
8:50 am
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lollipop3
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Hi Grace and welcome,

Oh what an awful feeling that is! I too had a "stalker" for a while a couple of years back. The most frustrating part (besides being frightened) was that I felt like I had no control over the situation and didn't feel safe in my home, which in my opinion, is the one place on this earth I should be able to feel safe!

I tried everything I could to make it stop....I ignored him, had him threatened, called the police several times and even got a restraining order....which he violated. This went on for a year and a half (we had only dated for 5 weeks.....scary). It was only have I had him prosecuted for violating the restraining order that he realized that I meant business and he finally stopped.

He has not contacted me in over 3 three years and even now.....I still hesitate when my phone rings.

Stay strong and do whatever you have to to protect yourself. My thoughts are with you.

Lolli

November 24, 2006
9:51 am
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cammyjo
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Hi Grace

Good for you, you were fortunate to pick up on that as soon as you did, some guys are such smooth operators that you don't even realize its happening.

The friends? what can I say, their actions and words speak loud.

How about this for a weirdo stalker:
Where I use to work, (big warehouse store)I would see people often that would come in frequently. This one guy came up to me one day and offered to take me out to dinner. I declined, I was involved, (then my codependent self didn't want to hurt or have him feel rejected) and said "feel free to keep in touch" The guy would come into the store at 5pm everyday,and walk the entire store. He showed up wearing a T-shirt saying "just keeping in touch". He tacked a note on a tree where I parked my car "just keeping in touch" I had to drive over a single lane bridge to get home, there was a note tacked on each side of the bridge "just keeping in touch"
A total wacko.
Wow, if I were a writer that would make a great novel and story, probably ending up in murder, and I would title it "Just Keeping In Touch"

November 24, 2006
11:15 am
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GraceforTheMoment
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Thanks Cyndra, Lolli and Canmyjo for responding! It's encouraging to hear. While we were still talking he came to the house a 2 or 3 and would ring the door bell 5 or 8 times until I answered or didn't, I still hesitate when someone's at the door even though it's not him. I understand about the rings, but it's good to speak to someone who's over it.

The wharehouse really does sound like it would make a good novel, how scary it is to go through that at work everyday. Did he finally leave and give up?

November 24, 2006
11:20 am
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gracenotes
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Grace,

I am sorry that you are being stalked. This really is criminal activity, and you have nothing to be guilty about. You have asked him to stop and I am sure you did this in a very reasonable manner. I was stalked a long time ago, and it was very scarey. The fact that the judge issued a restraining order speaks volumes about how serious this is. Judges do nor issue restraining orders to just anyone.

One thing I want to mention about controlling people like your stalker. A lot of time people like this have various types of personality disorders. They want that control, and they really don't think like you or I do. After awhile, it is kind of useless to try to figure out exactly what is going on with them.

But one thing they are "good" at doing is creating a set of friends who admire him, see him as faultless, see him as right and you as wrong. He probably worked very hard to convince these friends of his superiority and rightness, probably has made up negative stories about you to further justify his actions.

I was subject to this, and I had to back away from these friends and find new friends. Even though my friends at the time came to some kind of understanding, and he was seen for who he was eventually by all of them, the friendships were always strained. I am not saying this will happen to you, but, since so much of your energy needs to be focused on continuing to take good care of yourself, I would try to cultivate friendships with people who do not know your ex and do not have their perceptions of you shaded by things he has probably made up about you. Sorry, but that has been my experience.

November 24, 2006
11:57 am
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GraceforTheMoment
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Gracenotes - thank you so much for sharing!! That's exactly what has been happening to me in my opinion.

He has alot of head knowledge, which makes him appear very intelligent. He is also generous to his friends and likes to be the center of attention; with jokes and inviting people to his house... He's still talking about me to others too and they see him more on a regular basis than they do myself.

The hardest part now is moving away from those friendships, a part of me feels very betrayed, upset and hurt but I also realize they don't understand because they haven't experienced it first hand.

I want him to get better and live a normal life, but I also know he needs help and right now he is not encouraged to get it.

I am sorry that you went through that with your friends. If being stalked isn't hard enough. I am glad to hear you have new friends and have moved on. Your experience can help others realize they are not alone, I'm thankful to hear it.

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