Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
Spouse not doing his part
September 5, 2001
12:32 pm
Avatar
pam g fu
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We have been married 2 years and been together 3. The last year or so I have been the bread winner and my husband hasn't been doing his part. It seems that he wants to be control but doesn't want to do his part. I have alot of resentment and feel that it is turning into hate. I have been very patient, but it is knocking me down.

September 5, 2001
12:57 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

...and so....holding it in is doing what? Time to lay it out on the table - not to say - you better do this and that and the other thing. But to say - this is the way I feel. This is what I can live with and this is what I can't. You don't attack him, you don't blame him. You state where you are and what your boundaries are and what is okay and what isn't. Then you see what he does and slides back across the table at you. If it is acceptable - you accept it. If it isn't - you don't accept it and alter your life in such a way that - isn't about changing anyone - it's about having the contents of your life - reflect who you are, what you want and what makes you happy and peaceful. You....are responsible for that. He is responsible for the same. You are not responsible for each other's choices. And you....are responsible for allowing this to go on this long without having some boundaries. It's not all his fault. You've allowed it. Sometimes we set up the dominoes just so we can say down the road....After all I've done for you, put up with, sacrificed, etc.!!! And now you won't do what for me?? You ungrateful piece of crap! Is that really fair? What that really says is...."I feel like I have to earn being loved".... It's a pretty twisted thing when it all boils down. Everyone walks away slimed.

September 6, 2001
9:47 am
Avatar
pam g fu
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes you are so right I have enabled this to go on and I have even written these things down and he has even agreed but he keeps slipping back into this rut with people that offer this to him. I have never allowed myself to be controlled by someone, even when I was married 16 years, but when a man choses to stay up around the corner with the neighbors til 4:00 in the morning while his wife at home and he with his friend and his wife barbequing, what is wrong with this picture. He has a substance abuse problem and I have even gone to Alanon, but he is making it very hard for me to stick with him. I know I have choices I need to make, but I do love my husband and he really is a good man but he needs to pick himself up. I have never been in a situation like this before, i was married 16 years before and never had to deal with this. I do hold my head up high every day but I hate to go home, to what?

September 6, 2001
10:42 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Then do what you need to do. I just don't believe in waltzing with this kind of thing anymore. I really don't. Life is too precious. Sometimes separating is the answer, or living separately in the house - if - that's possible - which is usually isn't. But, you have to draw boundaries for yourself - whatever you do that says - this is your life, your choices and I don't want them affecting me. I'd tell him - this is the way it is and you need to figure it out or my boundaries get higher and higher until I'm completely out of the picture. If there are no consequences to his actions - he will continue to pull along in the dirt with him. It's your move....

You may not have been in this position before but guess what? You're there now, so don't get all paralyzed and sit and spin here. Wake up, get alert, take some action. Going to Alnon is great "for you", but at some point you have to deal with, in a very real way, how his inaction to deal with his problems is affecting your life and then do something about it. Spinning doesn't help him and it certainly doesn't help you. Time to take some action here.

September 6, 2001
11:01 am
Avatar
pam g fu
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for your input, my inner strength and the ability to pull it out I know is up to me and I also know that I am enabling him to do continue on this self-destruct mode, thank you for your words of wisdom, there are times when he downs me so much that I feel so lost, that I am the one that is at fault here, and yes I am at fault for allowing it to continue. I need to fix Pam and do what makes Pam happy the rest will have to do whatever, but it is hard when he doesn't have a job and nowhere else to go, I can't just put him out, I wouldn't put my dogs out. I am the type of person that feeds a stray dog or cat, I have a very giving heart, maybe too giving.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
41 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109395

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

vbktyDazy, katrinazf60, nfbcbzDazy, Edwardviasy, jkczDazy, dflzDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer