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Spiritual awakening?
September 25, 2000
12:42 pm
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Cici
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Many of you who post regularly know me, I've been posting for over a year now. I came here in a degraded state, experiencing (using a past-poster's term) a "dark night of the soul". This dark night has continued for over a year. I was pretty lost. I made progress, but I seemed to hit a wall, maybe constructed by me, maybe within my own heart. I felt frantic, angry, tired, depressed. I was so lost I felt like I was drowning in a sea of confusion without the benefit of even a distant lighthouse to pin my hopes on.

I spent the last four days travelling. Which gave me a lot of time to think, away from my house and family, dogs and work, worries and despair. I met loads of new people with different outlooks on life.

I read a lot. A lot about Hinduism and Jainism, a bit about Buddhism. I prayed. I meditated. I talked to God, without the tangling threads of doctrine or communal ideology. Without the memories of my Catholic upbringing or christianity in general. I wanted ecstatic communion with God, not an intermediary.

I found myself without the terrible complications of my medical condition, suddenly. I felt at peace and at ease for the first time in my entire life. Which is odd. I don't know how this came about, but it came quite suddenly. My mind is clearer than it has been in many, many years.

I'm rambling, I guess. I just found a way that is different from any other way I've travelled. I've been reading the Rig Vedas, Upanishads and the Bhagavadgita as well as writings by the last Tirthankara of the Jain religious sect, the Mahavira. I've been reading a bit about Ghandi and the Buddha, a contemporary of the Mahavira.

It's a different worldview, to strive to live in nonviolence toward any lving being, without lying, without feeling anger toward anyone, even those who seek to hurt you. It's a difficult path. To try to see every living thing as if they were the same as you.

I don't know where this will take me, but I wanted to share it with everyone here who's been supportive and accepting, my sounding board for ideas. I have been profoundly moved by my experience and I will continue to explore this further. How can I not, when psychiatry and psychology, medical intervention and psychiatric meds have not helped me, but this has?

September 25, 2000
1:19 pm
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hazza
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hey Cici,
this has helped you most because it came from within YOU.
it was an intergration of your mind and body, doing stuff for YOU not others, expanding your physical and mental horizons.
Some call it a religious experiance, some call it meditation or relaxation therapy. Call it being true to yourself or "taking time out"
whatever it is and i do not profess to know -nor do I believe anyone can prove one way or t'other. it is healing.
Even if it comes down to a purely internal phenomona - just inside your mind and body and nothing beyond that - it is still bloody great isn't it.
I think (IMHO) that taking the time for you to relax and thinkthe thoughts you wanted to rather than normal worries etc, you have intergrated your body and mind again, hence the symptoms of the physical problems relaxing a bit.
ps, did you see that post about the article in the magazine I put onto the Cici thread? šŸ™‚
I am so glad you have some peaceful days - you deserve it - do more of it, it is obviously what your body and soul needs from time to time.
peace
hazza

September 25, 2000
6:01 pm
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Molly
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Well yee haw, this will help you so much in your practice, I went through a period of confusion which my therapist called graduate student syndrome, you can't take in all that you are with out confusion, or the physical symptoms manifest, and honey you have had a break through. Its a great ride and may the high continue. Love to you.

September 25, 2000
7:44 pm
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cici, be very ready. it just might be a temporary condition. if so.. be prepared to fall. but dont give up. keep ur head up. i've had short periods of higs, feeling that i have found it or i'm where i should be. be careful. u know, i'm sure its just a temporary nice thing. but if stays consistent for lets say one year, tell me about it. bad things dont go away in 4 days... šŸ™ .. or do they?

September 26, 2000
11:21 am
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Cici
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I think the key is determination.

I wa sreading an article on the plane about the difference between optimists and pesismists, and how a new branch of "positivism" in psychology is trying to teach people to be optimistc.

I am not afraid of losing this understanding because I've been through loss. I know the pain, but I embrace it. Suffering is what makes a person wise, you know? But that's all in personal choice. Some people choose to cut themselves off and become bitter adn angry with life and feel the creeping fingers of depression, I call it "the python" because it curls at the base of your spine and sucks out your vitality adn life.

Some people suffer great pain and yet are wise and stronger for their suffering. The difference lies in the attitude that you choose.

I greatly respect Mohandas Ghandi, who gained independence for his country through completely nonviolent means. His efforts and life show us that each person had the ability to be strong and powerful through respect for life, all life, even those who seek to hurt you.

It's funny because I felt a triumph while I was driving to and from work yesterday. I usually get terrible road rage, impatience and irritability. I was able to be patient for the first time in a while!
(This is from a girl who's totaled one car and has had body work done on her new car about four times now). I guess it sounds silly but I've had my licence suspended about 3 times for reckless driving adn accidents and it felt like a victory over my negative emotions. Who knows?

September 26, 2000
1:29 pm
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how am i gonna be optimistic? my mom was so pessimistic with me. i know i take things netagively and often miss the positive things but how do i do that. how to be positive.

September 26, 2000
5:04 pm
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i always feel regret when i come back and raed my posting later in the day. no matter what i wrote. well maybe i'm jsut feeling crappy right now. maybe i'm always like this and at 'good' times i'm just covering the regret.

September 26, 2000
5:41 pm
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lover2000
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Cici,

Good for you! You keep on doing what you're doing. Patience is a virtue and aparently, you have developed that issue through all things previously mentioned. So I say, more power to you and God bless you.

Lover2000

September 29, 2000
11:57 pm
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Vickie E. Murdock
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Spirtual Awakening: Well i had one, This is the second time God have shown me, I found out I just might have cancer in my ovary, Haaaaaaa. Now that is a spirtual issue. But through my god i'am going to be OK, Because i took it to him first, So i tell everyone,When you know it's time he really can get dip with you. And you already know and he know first

September 29, 2000
11:57 pm
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Vickie E. Murdock
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Spirtual Awakening: Well i had one, This is the second time God have shown me, I found out I just might have cancer in my ovary, Haaaaaaa. Now that is a spirtual issue. But through my god i'am going to be OK, Because i took it to him first, So i tell everyone,When you know it's time he really can get dip with you. And you already know and he know first

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