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Special People
October 4, 2003
1:11 am
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slv
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I have felt the need to visit this site less and less... And overall that's a good thing because it means I'm regaining some of the strength I've lost in the past. I'm getting back to where I want to be, but I realized today that I miss just checking the threads to see who is doing what, who is okay, who needs a bit of extra strength, or who is being that special person giving that bit of extra strength. This site is filled with a lot of wonderful special people so tonight I simply want to make note of that. I'm still battling every day with breaking free from the ex that I left behind in California. Seems memories are sometimes hard to let go so you know what I did tonight? I went back to a year ago and re-read threads I posted when I first came to this site. Oh, I started crying at my own words. It brought back so much pain and made my heart ache to know that I was so lonely, scared, helpless, and I felt so unworthy. It was eye opening to me tonight. Guess I needed that. This month is a tough month for me due to our anniversary would have been this month -- and you know that's the start of memory lane talking... I can't believe the way I allowed this man to treat me. It's so sad because at the time I was living it I was so far from home. I was so depressed (partially due to him) that I would have done anything for him to just love me. Seems so simple. I remember so much more now after reading over some of my painful threads. I remember him setting a schedule for me to call and if I called a minute before the 'scheduled' time well, he would hang up on me. I remember begging him to tell me what I'd done wrong and tell me why he wouldn't talk to me. He would simply tell me that I wasn't normal. I also remembered my birthday last year... He didn't even call me to say Happy Birthday. Thinking back now I think it was pretty shitty to not even call. Especially considering the circumstances... I was far away from anyone or anything familiar to me, and that was only to be close to him. So, when I called him on my birthday because I was alone and sad, well guess what that did? Made him angry at me and that was the night that he told me (verbatim) " I would rather you kill yourself -- than for me to ever have to hear your voice again." He said that because I wanted to talk and he wanted to watch a tv show which made me cry and he hated to hear me cry. Thinking about that sweet memory tonight made me cry too. It was my birthday and those words were cruel, and the sad part is that I chalked that night up to me being too emotional and needy. No blame on him... Man, I still can't get over the agony I went through and as I read my words tonight it brought the pain back to me. And while I can't say that I'm over him because the truth is I do still love him (what he was to me at one time), I can say that I will never go back to him. I never will allow myself to be treated that way again. And should I ever consider it... I'm going to re-read every sad thread I posted on here. Whew! It was exhausting. I was seriously such a depressed girl. I'm happy to be here at home, peaceful, content, safe and be alive.
***** My song of the day:

Time goes slowly now in my life Fear no more of what I'm not sure searching to fill your soul The strength to stand alone the power of not knowing and letting go I guess I've found my way It's simple when it's right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and happy just to be me and be alive love, in and out of my...my heart and though life can be strange I can't be afraid searching to fill your soul The strength to stand alone the power of not knowing and letting go I guess I've found my way It's simple when it's right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and happy just to be me and be alive (music) I guess I've found my way It's simple when it's right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and happy just to be me and be ...Alive... hahaha (chuckling softly)
*****

But the real reason I started this thread tonight was not to focus on myself, but for the SPECIAL people on this site. Everyone who has been so kind to me and who stuck by my side when I felt like giving up. After reading my old posts I realize that I owe you all a big thank you. Because I was seriously depressed, I was far away from home, and without your help I don't know if I would have made it to where I am right now. So I am taking time tonight to acknowledge you instead of just bitch about life. I'm okay tonight and I'm thankful as heck!! Much thanks and a huge hug (oh, and maybe a margarita for all *BIG GRINS*) to the Site Coordinator, molly and gingerleigh (two of my old favorites), jwt, bel, mj, and tracylyn, onedayatatime, beenthruthat, squeezles, jadedragon, and tooscared. I'm sorry that I can't remember everyone who helped me but to those I didn't name thank you also. Thank you to anyone who has ever gave me advise or posted on a thread when I was in need of help. 🙂 You are all wonderful people. And to end this I'll say MUCHO GRACIOUS to my dear friend Sfb... What a blessing she has been to me. She sent me strength when I felt I had none, she understood me continuously without judging, and she also knew how to give me a good boot in the ass when I needed it. She gets me. She's the best!!!

It is by chance we met, by choice we became friends... Friendship is a strange thing....we find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives...things we don't even share with our families who raised us...But what is a friend? A confidant? A fellow email junkie? A shoulder to cry on? An ear to listen? A heart to feel?... A friend is all these things...and more. No matter where we met, .... I call you friend. A word so small...yet so large in feeling...a word filled with emotion. It is true great things come in small packages. Once the package of friendship has been opened, it can never be closed... it is a constant book always written...waiting to be read... and enjoyed. We may have our disagreements...we may argue... we may concern one another...friendship is a unique bond that lasts through it all....

A part of me is put into my friends...some it is my humor... some it is my listening ear... some it is real life experiences... some it is my romanticism...but with all, it is friendship.

Friendships forged are a construct stronger than steel built as a foundation....necessary for life... and necessary for love. Friends...you and me... you brought another friend.. and then there were 3... we started our group... Our circle of friends... and like that circle... there is no beginning or end...

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!!! WE ALL ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

🙂

October 4, 2003
6:47 am
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boland
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hi slv, glad you can see you came a long way from back them, keep look after your self, your special to, hope you know that,

October 4, 2003
9:05 am
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mj
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WOW....YOU have GROWN 🙂
Hugs to you SLV....Thanks for sharing this beautiful part of yourself.

SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE...and Boland too 🙂

October 4, 2003
10:08 am
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mj
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SFB has been a major influence on me as well. I just am glad that you two have grown so close slv. TS and I can be inseparable at times...rather talk to her than hubby most of the time.

October 4, 2003
10:09 am
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sixfootblonde
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slv. girl. you move me. seriously....

i don't know what to say. you said it all. reading your post the thought that was foremost in my mind was, what a wonderful soul with so much to offer. someone will be very lucky to share a life with you someday. d doesn't know what he lost.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

good to see you here, like old times. 🙂

October 4, 2003
10:24 am
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mj
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You know, just this week, I was thinking about leaving.....and I made my list of reasons to never return to this site....

But I figure, everyone gives when they have something to give...and its like life here, we develop attachments, friendships, and have disagreements. We are no different here then in real life...just a bunch of kind hearted folk wanting to be loved and not knowing what to do, then we start coming out of our cocoons and begin the metamorphisis into butterflies....beautiful free and loving...if only for a short moment, like the flash on the ocean just before the sun sets...which I haven't been able to see yet?

Any ways, I am also thankful for all the special people here at AAC. Thank U.

October 4, 2003
10:24 am
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tooscared
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Wow this thread really touched me this morning as I am reading it. I am so thankful slv that you wrote it. Friendships form when hearts unite and people share honestly with each other. I am so glad that you and SFB have formed that kind of bond. Like MJ said, I truly enjoy our friendship and it is a real blessing in my life. This site does more than just comfort us at the times when we are so low, it provides a listening ear and a loving heart. It allows for friendships to be formed and relationships to take place.

You have grown SLV and I can hear hope in your voice. It is amazing when you go back and read what a person wrote a year ago and then you see how far they really have come. I do that for myself too and am amazed at how much bolder I am to write and talk to people now. You have a beauty inside of you that comes through in your writing SLV, and I am so glad that you are feeling better.

October 4, 2003
10:29 am
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sixfootblonde
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now ts is here! i feel so happy it's like old days....

i am popping in and out between customers this morning so forgive the lack of punctuation etc

hugs to all my old friends. my heart is warmed today.....

October 4, 2003
10:39 am
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mj
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Group HUG...WE ROCK!!!!!
AND PLEASE KNOW, We wouldn't leave anyone out here....so join in 🙂

Yahoo...Today is A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!

October 4, 2003
11:02 am
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tooscared
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You guys are sure making me smile this morning. What a great way to start my day - with loving friends!

And -- WE DO ROCK!!

October 4, 2003
12:09 pm
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gingerleigh
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SLV, you're a shining example of encouragement to many, thanks for checking back in. Glad to hear that you are doing so well and staying strong. *smile*

October 4, 2003
12:42 pm
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unhappy camper
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Your letter was like a stab in my heart...reading how he mistreated you. I went through the same with my estranged husband.

You expressed it well. We would do anything just to get them to love us.

But nothing works.

I'm glad you are doing well without him.

October 4, 2003
5:22 pm
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Molly
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Rock on Sistah!!!!!!!! These cyber connections are unique. I know that I have a tight connection to a few of this group, as well as the site its self. Amazing, it is always here, when needed. You keep on, you sound great, change isn't always easy.

October 5, 2003
1:50 am
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slv
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I've been busy all day and couldn't wait to check out this thread... I'm soooo happy to see all the responses (*Big Goofy Grins*). I have to say everyone made me smile with the words you've all said. It's like inspiration, ya know?
I agree with sfb that this felt like old times.

I felt a bounce in my step today for no reason inparticular, but it was a welcome old feeling.

BTW: Hellooooooooo (with big waves) to unhappy camper and boland who I don't believe I've ever communicated with before.

Thank you all for reading and responding to this thread. We can keep it going for all those special people who touch our lives at different times -- in different ways. Everyone enjoys a little recognition sometimes, hun? 🙂

Oh, and mj... I don't think you should leave!! Everyone on and off this site is human and will make mistakes (sometimes purposely -- sometimes unintentionally). People will always disagree sometimes, heck that's simply human nature. But I think the key is to try and disagree without coming across as being judgmental. When we are having a bad day we tend to take things more personally (at least I do). If you have an issue I suggest you talk with us, or the person you have the issue with first. Talk -- not attack, and anything can be resolved. But don't you ever think about leaving this site. For YOU are the one who taught us that... WE ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 5, 2003
11:13 pm
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jwt
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I am soooooo proud of you. Your situation touched something inside me. And, I rooted for you so hard. I'm so glad things have turned out so well for you. Believe it or not, you are an inspiration to me. You give me hope for a brighter future.

I don't post very much. Everyone must be tired of my same old problems. Anyway, things are better for me too. If only I had a home where I could go to get away from Elvira.

Keep that bounce in your step!

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