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Speaking Of Cheaters
May 5, 2005
7:32 pm
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SassyAlex
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I know there are a ton of you out there who have been in relationships with cheaters. Other than the obvious, what are the signs you've noticed? What is the pattern they follow? (since addicts tend to follow a certain pattern, abusers, etc)

May 5, 2005
8:22 pm
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sdesigns
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Well, lets see. The vagueness about where they've been or who they were there with. The break in routine, for example calling everyday to starting to skip the phone calls. Then there's the "spots" on the sheets, new box of condoms, candles in a different spot, e-mails they don't want you to see, and on and on. Changing their grooming for the better (this could even mean trimming nose and ear hairs!). When they actually want to smell good. And dress nicer. Lots of clues, just need to be able to look for them.

May 5, 2005
8:33 pm
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Foggy1
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I'll add a few.
Bleaching her teeth.

Loosing weight and exercising much more.

Buying lots of new clothes.

Becoming more secretive with her comings and goings, friends, emails.

unexplained phone calls and hang ups.

The vacation alone.

And of course the guilt driven accusations back at you.

May 5, 2005
8:52 pm
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Deena
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The best one I've dealt with was the whole cell phone thing....My battery died, I didn't hear it, I didn't get service...

And going out with "friends" all the time and stories that just don't match up

May 5, 2005
10:15 pm
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MiChick43
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Sassy,
Looking back here are the clues i noticed but decided to ignore hoping for the best:
1. Went away with ring on, accidently forgot to put it back on when pulling up the driveway.
2. Cell always off, no incoming calls. Then why have a cell?
3. Called his office and he was on a three hour lunch.
4.All of a sudden bringing me a flower, and never did that before.
5. Stated he needed some space.
6. Trying to get me to dump him by saying things he KNEW would upset me.
7. Not taking me to office functions.
8. lack of sexual interest.
9. Showering after work, he had a desk job.
10. New interest in how he looked, aka clothes, mouth wash more often.
11. Last but not least.......a whole weekend away, as he stated a drunken rampage with his guy friends. Later found out a drunken rampage with the OW.

OH, and watch out for secretive online chatting. Closing the window all of a sudden when you walk into the room. Also, ask where his cell bill is. My ex had his sent to his po box.

Hope this helps.

L, Michick

May 5, 2005
10:18 pm
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MiChick43
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And of course the guilt driven accusations back at you.

The best one I've dealt with was the whole cell phone thing....My battery died, I didn't hear it, I didn't get service...

OH, did we date the same dude? Or are these excuses just that common? Unreal. Mine did the .....my cell was left at work bit. And ....the ever lasting.......My ringer does not work.

We all should have so much better in life. Good Grief, we desirve good men. We are just too good for this stuff, no?

May 5, 2005
10:50 pm
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CAMER
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cheaters...hmmm, they don't call when they say they are going to (cuz there off doing or having more fun)...they give the excuse about working late....and don't seem to take much interest in being together.......just chalk it up to a "weakness" that cheaters have, but what comes around goes around......its just so much easier to break off with someone than to stoop so low as to cheat.

May 6, 2005
7:19 am
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Worried_Dad
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1) Refuses to look me in the eyes, or give me long hugs.

2) Refuses to have sex for years in a row.

3) "Working Late"

4) Suddenly going "put with the girls" at night.

5) Disappears with my child never to be seen again. That's a real give-away.

May 6, 2005
7:37 am
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MiChick43
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Dad....that is sad. Im sorry.
Hugs, Michick

May 6, 2005
7:49 am
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sewunique
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Saying one thing and do something else. Like, having girls over to our home, to teach them dark room developing and find out he thinks he is a photographer taking pictures of them doing modeling poses. (After I found the pictures of them modeling for him). When you bring it up of the wrongness of it all, he says; "they wanted the pictures done".

May 6, 2005
8:22 am
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artist 2
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1. Overly offended when asked about where they were.
2. Accusing of the sabotaging of your relationship without basis.
3. Vague explanations
4. Changing the subject when you ask where they've been.
5. Not extending invitations for long trips.
6. Acting hurt.
7. Huge sense of self-importance.

May 6, 2005
8:45 am
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InPainZHT
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I love these examples, I have encountered them myself (changes in routine, no longer calling as usual, grooming/perfume/cologne changes, etc.), but I would like to add one more.

If there has been an ex in the picture, generally within the last 4 to 6 months, and they have HATED their ex's guts to the point of being consumed, nearly enemy-centered, but suddenly one day this stops... WATCH OUT!

Then, if you find them DEFENDING this person they just recently likened to Adolf Hitler, and actually going on the attack against you should you say something bad about the "once was Satan, Now is a saint" ex, you better run for cover. Do NOT think you are just being paranoid, or that the person you are with is just being forgiving and thoughtful.......

InPain

May 6, 2005
9:18 am
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chickyfighter
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Some are bold and tell you like it is. They are cheating and since you may either be married to them or caught up to the max. you stay, hoping they stop. They make sure your self esteeem is so low that you don't even know it but you think you deserve this in some way, or that if you love hard enough/long enough it will go away and you'll be happy again...not thinking you must have never been happy to beginm with, that it was all in your mind...he was who you wanted him to be, the real him is facing you telling you boldly that he is doing another woman and you cannot believe how ugly he must be to say it just like that looking at you as tears roll down your eyes...w/o emotion...(I am no longer married to the monster).

May 6, 2005
10:13 am
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Deena
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INPAIN...that is so true....it happened to me. The ex was a waste of air for years, then low and behold that stopped and he left me for her. Very good point!!!

May 6, 2005
10:28 am
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Anonymous
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Well when I have cheated, I have turned the phone off, or ringer on silent, say I was really really tired and had to sleep, I normally suspect the other person of cheating and state it, I feel guilty so I am extra nice, or I feel so guilty I don't want to see the person.

Of course everyone is different. I also have been accused of cheating in a different relationship that I never cheated in. So who knows.

May 6, 2005
11:05 am
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exoticflower
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There's a great book I looked at recently after finding out about my own partners infidelities while abroad durring my pregnancy. It's called "The Scrip", subtitled something like the 12 absolutely predictable things men do when they cheat. It all looked exactly right to me. And in other relationships I have been the cheater, and it was all the same. Not on purpous, but cheating is a calculated, sneaky act--you even have to sneak around yourself and find a way to justify it.

But, all cheaters know what they are doing. Now, I put a hand on a mans chest if I really want to know and ask him point blank--are you romantically involved with someone else and lying about it? Have you been cheating on me?

The heart races.

May 6, 2005
11:42 am
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BamBam
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Sometimes there's wwwaaayyy too much details in things they're talking about. Kinda like they're talking a bunch of sh%# while they're literally planning their next sentence!

May 6, 2005
1:12 pm
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exoticflower
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Ok, I've been trying to remember this book for the entire morning and now the begining of the afternoon. It's great. It says that men (I'm sure women too) follow a general script almost scene for scene to lay the growndwork for the actual affair. What starts it is them saying "I would never cheat on you". This implies that in their mind that cheating is an option, and that they have willingly even in that second concidered it, even if just to discount it. These men will, we know, CONCIDER cheating at all. The second scene was I think being in constant contact, to the extent of annoying, just to justify their feelings of victimization more, like "she has no time for me". The third is suggesting that YOU are depressed and you need help. This will inevitabaly be mentioned socially, allowing other people to say "poor joe, did you know joan is crazy?" which sets the groundwork for condoning it later "he tried to get her help, the poor thing, is it any wonder?". Men care what people think and need aproval, some say even more than women. The fourth is the "I'm telling you", but I can't recal that one, except that it is criticism disquised as an offer to help yourself. That way, you look closed to the idea of helping yourself in areas that are probobally fine.

I don't explain it right, I'm sure, and I only got halfway through it. Has anyone else read it? What I saw was great!

May 6, 2005
2:06 pm
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glittered when he walked
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signs? look I have something to share with you..sometimes the signs will be staring you in face, but you won't know it. Who wants to go through life being suspicious of their mate to the point of paranoia? Why focus on the symptoms when instead we should just focus on being good mates, that all we can control. Good people don';t want to jump to ugly conclusions, we allow ourselves to be decieved. there are many signs that you notice after you discover that indeed your mate is cheating. I've heard many..a husband buying nice underwear for himself or gold. a woman suddenly going on a stringent diet and exercising. a woman who avoids her husband..a woman won't kiss. etc etc etc. To what end? There is no golden litmus.

we don't see because we don;t want to think the worst of the person we love. sometimes, the behaviors of cheaters are counter intuitive. For example, many men who cheat pay more attention to their wives - out of guilt. does this mean that if your mate pays attention to you you should hire a PI and gives them the third degree? NO, of course not.

Just make your rules of the relationship known. I have to trust my mate, because i can't control her so I'm not going to obsess about it. either she'll be faithful or she won't. If I am always on the lookout for signs of cheating, will it prevent it from ever happening? Highly improbable, will it drive her nuts and make me seem insecure - yes.

I must be the best spouse or mate that I know how but not to the detrement of self. In this way I will have been true to myself and my spouse.

May 6, 2005
2:29 pm
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sewunique
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Glittered,

You give me hope. In my first marriage I did cheat; I thought the marriage was over. It should never have happened. I just became divorced. In 22 years of being together, of which 18 years of marriage, I never cheated, not even close. But the marriage was broken. Sometimes you can't win either way. At least my integrity feels good about remaining faithful this last time.

Yes, we can change things, our behaviors, if we desire to and want to. Sometimes it just takes a bit more to get it right the next time.

Sew

May 6, 2005
7:44 pm
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Ardeth
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um..signs..

My husband cheated on me for like 5 months..the signs were not here. He was always impeccable with his attire and his physical self. So really I didn't see any signs there. As to telephone numbers and girls calling him, well we had a promotional model company..so um..that I could use as a sign. Easy cover ups huh?? Any odd spending..no..there was no reciept or anything. I remember doing home and buisness finances and there was always a few hundred that I didn't have receipts from, but living in Central America..not every businss or taxi gives out receipts. So in that aspect I didn't see any signs.

So I can't help you there..But one thing I do have to say..There could have been signs..I just never looked for them..I trusted him blindly..I wish I was more watchful..But like someone said, one can't live obessed about it..

May 6, 2005
11:09 pm
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Anonymous
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You can look all you want..But don't even think about touching or anything else, including e-mails, flirting, game playing , hiding, the list goes on...I have never cheated and I'm not about to start (even though I am single) I find it reprehensible and disgusting. And weak....

IMHO, of course...

Sunny

May 6, 2005
11:56 pm
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sewunique
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What is IMHO, please?

May 7, 2005
12:02 am
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sdesigns
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In my humble opinion.

May 7, 2005
12:03 am
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Anonymous
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Dear Sewunique,

IMHO, means: In my humble opinion...

Regards,

Sunnygrl

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