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SoVeryLost's writing
August 2, 2005
7:12 pm
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SoVeryLost
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September 29, 2010
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I cant tell you how impossibly hard this has been for me, its killing me. To see the one you love with all you are, the one you love more than anything else, be with someone else, and love someone else, and not you. I cant tell you how hard it is to see someone, to know of someone, and be across the room from them, knowing already that you love them, things you've heard from others. Then finally, you get the guts to move over, to sit in front of them, only able to say "madame" because you are so lovestruck. Coming to school 4 hours early on April 29th, just to keep them company, and playing cards and having fun. I couldn't believe how much you were to me. Then over the coarse of 7 months get to really know you, only to love you even more, wanting so desperately for you to love me back, in some similar way, but getting nothing.

"(April 29, 2005) 7:20am is when I arrived at school, not really needing to be there till 10:00am, I brought Elizabeth dark chocolate. We spent an hour alone, playing card games with care bear cards. Then her friends came, and we all had fun together. After the several hours I was with her I realized something, I loved her, with all of my heart. When I started eating I felt as if I were already full, as if I was going to throw up. I realize that being around her, its just, wow. Shes the most beautiful person, shes so smart, so insightful, so amazing."

Remembering the first movie, just sitting there thinking very little about the movie, and more so on the person thats sitting near me. You were my reason to live, with everything that was going wrong, there was my hopes of you, suddenly my problems went away thinking of you, you gave me a reason to want to live, but I don't expect you understand that. Thinking back to my drawing of super me explaining that the plane trip would be alright. Remembering your pink eye and the cool drawings we made of when you were sick, and how Id spend all day talking to you and not get bored. You saying you were still contagious, and I didn't care, I just wanted to see you, to be with you, so we went out to see a movie.
“But shes so fun, so gorgeous, so down to earth, and so enlightened, all at the same time. She does everything, but could do nothing and still be the most amazing woman ever. I cant put it into words why, why, why. I... wow, I am really really trying to convey this, shes the only thing that matters, I must be there to protect and help her, as shes also so innocent. Shes the greatest most innocently guilty(she does EVERYTHING without sacrificing her integrity), she acts like a young girl in appropirate situations, and she can also be serious and extremely mature when the situation calls for it. She manages to be be so cool, so fun, so amazingly awesome without the need or want for drugs, shes straight-edge. Shes also uncompromising on her abstinence, which to me is a very VERY strong asset. I cant possibly tell you how much she means to me, Im sorry.”

I cant tell you how hard it was for Andrew and I, two friends to love the same woman in the same EXACT way, to be thrown into confusion. Though he knew I had loved you for a long time, we both offered to step off for the other, but the deciding line was when he said "Dude if you don't want me to, I wont ask her", and I cant tell you how hard it was for me to say to him "No, go ahead, Id rather you be with her, I can trust you, your a great guy, and she doesn't even love me anyway." I cant tell you how hard it was for me to stop you, that day after you came to my house, and tell you how I felt, to pour my soul out and get nothing. I cant tell you how hard it was for me, to throw up 12 times, to go to that band practice, just because you needed me there, I just cant tell you how hard it was. I cant tell you how hard it is to be told by ALL of my close friends that I'm masochistic for still wanting to help you, and be your friend, because they see me so down, I cant tell you how hard it is to be so dedicated, with no ground to stand on.

“I'd endure all of your pain if it meant you didn't have to, and If that wasn't possible, Id endure any pain with you, just so that you wouldn't have to be alone.”

I cant tell you how hard it was for me to see you go to senior pictures with someone else, and me telling myself that its nothing, that it was just a thing, but deep inside I felt the knife. I cant tell you how hard it was for 6 hours to watch Trevor at the mall get so much of your attention and physical love, and to always be 6 feet away, feeling dead, dieing, bleeding, but still hiding. And I cant tell you how hard it is to write this, To tell you that I think Andrew is perfect for you, and Trevor is a great friend to you. to tell you that these feelings aren't of jealousy at all, but of my own failure. To look at you and what you say and do around these other people, how much they get, how much fun I see you having and think, "How? what am I missing, why am I such a failure that even giving my entire self to someone to be willing to die for someone isn't good enough, and them not feeling at all what is felt towards them, to be "just another friend", how can I be such a failure that it isn't good enough, that she cant love me, how can i be such a failure."
I cant tell you how hard it is to know, that even as you read this, you wont understand, that of everything Ive experienced in my life, hardly any have carried such an expression of my entire being, my soul as what I'm writing here, it wont make sense to you, and you probably will just throw me off, and I'm sorry, you'll tell others how irrational I'm being or something, but I cant tell you how hard it is for me for the first time express something from the deepest parts of my soul.. I don't know, I'm sorry for everything, I love you, I really do, like noone Ive ever loved before. I only want to be there for you, I know you cant love me, I can see it in your eyes, but I cant let go, I just cant. Even with all that I'm putting in this, I feel theres so much more I could write, and maybe one day I will, and there are things Ive written that I keep and hold, that are several thousand words long, I'm sorry. I cant tell you how hard it is to see someone you love with all your heart, and know that you will never have a chance. I cant tell you the pain I feel, going into school. Last year I didn't want school to end, no matter what was happening I got to see you everyday. Now I fear going into school, and seeing how I failed before anything even started. And yet, through all the pain Ive felt over this, all the tears Ive shed, all the hurting, I still stand here by your side, as I always will. I love you with all that I am, Andrew is perfect for you, and you will go far, and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen, to make you happy.

August 3, 2005
1:44 pm
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kathygy
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September 30, 2010
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This may sound harsh but I have to be honest with you in attempt to shake you up alittle. You are extremely codependent and need to get help. You have very low self esteem and do not even value yourself. All the love you are pouring on this woman who does not love you is sick. You are not a failure just because she doesn't love you. People love someone for all kinds of reasons. You keep coming here and posting the samething over and over again. What do you expect to gain from that? You are not interested in making any changes in yourself. You seem to think that your love for this woman in face of the fact that she doesn't return your feelings is noble in someway. Its not noble, its masochistic and codependent. Have you told her exactly how you feel about her and how tortured you feel seeing her? You have obviously have been very hurt as a child. Can you talk about your childhood? The focus needs to be on you NOT on this woman.
Do you have ANY desire to feel better?

love,
kathy

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