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Southgoingzax!!!!
June 4, 2009
5:03 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Zax -

Can't tell you how glad I was to see your SN on Sunshine's thread today! I have often thought of you, (as well as Doubleloss and Nappy), and wondered how you were doing.

I am sorry to learn that your days of suffering and turmoil continue. Is Scarlett okay? We all wanted to hug her in person. Such a great dog!

When last we spoke here on the AAC threads, you were moving in with him, despite your belief that it would prove a miserable mess. He is still the same man. His stated willingness to go to a counselor, followed by a refusal to follow through on that commitment, is to be expected.

You always shared concerns that he demonstrated many narcissistic traits. A true narcissist is certainly not going to set foot in a counselor/therapist's office, unless his intent is to prove there is something wrong with YOU...not HIM. Other than that, a classic N will run for the Hills of Denial, before facing himself and his possible imperfections in the office of a professional.

I wish you had some close friend(s) with whom you could get out occasionally and get some much-needed encouragement and laughter. Your life sounds so sad...and you seem so trapped. I am so concerned for you, Zax.

Please do keep posting. You are not forgotten. And there is always hope for healing and change.

Affectionately,

Ma Strong

June 4, 2009
5:26 pm
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southgoingzax
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Hi Ma,

it's so nice to hear from you. Yes, things are bad right now. I am really struggling this week and I hate how pathetic I sound/seem. I would be so mad at someone else for allowing this to go on, but when it's me I feel so trapped, so unable to see a way out - and I know how stupid that sounds, but there must be something really wrong with me to not be able to decide I deserve to be treated better.

I need to draw the line - I know I need this to stop. But I am in the same place I always was, you know? I am going to counseling by myself next week. I can only hope that this time I can manage to change my self.

Miss Scarlet is doing well, except she is in physical therapy for a repetitive-motion back injury. I hope she will get better soon - right now we are limited to 10-15 minute walks, no running or chasing things - which makes us both a little depressed.

How are you? I hope life has been good - someone should be having fun.

zax

June 5, 2009
10:21 am
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CAMER
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(((hi Zax)))) good to see you back.

Wishing you strength and support with all going on in your life, i know its hard to break up and what not, sometimes you just have to be "ready" to do it. ((((sending you hugs)))))))

June 5, 2009
10:42 am
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StronginHim77
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At least you are taking steps to get help for yourself, by resuming counseling next week. Any positive action is better than NO action.

I am really worried about you. Six years is a long time to be in torment. And it is going to take a toll on your health, eventually. You need peace, my friend.

Hope Miss Scarlet heals up quicky. I know how much you both love your runs, together.

Please stay in touch. I do care.

- Ma Strong

June 6, 2009
1:27 am
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southgoingzax
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Hi Camer, Hi Ma,

I am doing better today. Yesterday was tough. I am trying to take one step at a time - first I go to counseling, then I figure out where to live, then I figure out how to move, then I figure out the course for the rest of my life. I am trying not to get overwhelmed by the big picture. Because I still am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Despite P's faults and insanity, despite the lack of trust or any real depth of feeling, it is a routine that I am comfortable in and I am afraid to be without it...I am afraid that it is me, really, that I will never be happy in ANY relationship because there is something wrong with me, and that ultimately I will be alone forever.

And I think I am not capable of loving someone.

But anyway, I am not thinking about this because it is too hard, too much, to deal with as a whole. I m just trying to deal with parts. The first part is going to the counseling session. SO I just have to get there. I'll work on the rest after that.

Camer, I hope things are great for you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to catch up on things on the AAC, my job has been time-consuming lately.

Ma, thanks for looking out for me. It is a long time. I gained about 15 pounds after moving in with P, but have managed to lose most of that by going to the gym - thankfully, other than that I haven't been too affected physically. But I know I need to start living my life differently.

I hope his counselor is good. I am really counting on him.

zax

June 6, 2009
10:57 am
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CAMER
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hi Zax, every bit counts, i think the more you go to counseling the stronger you will feel. It all takes time, it really does. Just keep working on yourself, building up your self esteem and know you are a wonderful person!! you really are!!

((((camer))))

June 8, 2009
12:23 am
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southgoingzax
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Hi Camer, hi Ma,

I guess the problem I have is that I am NOT miserable all the time - if I were, then this would be easy.

I wanted to type some detailed explanation of my feelings, but I have to acknowledge that I just don't know what they are. I'm too conflicted to be able to type anything that I don't want to immediately contradict.

It's late, I need to go - tomorrow's a work day.

zax

June 8, 2009
1:03 pm
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StronginHim77
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You have a generally despondent, unfulfilling relationship, punctuated by brief outbreaks of sheer misery and cruelty. The former is what you have learned to endure as "normal;" the latter is what prods you to question your decision to settle for this relationship when Life has shown you (through observation of others) that genuine intimacy (which you & P lack) brings a joy which you have never experienced with him.

And you long for it. You SHOULD. You deserve it.

- Ma

June 21, 2009
1:43 am
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southgoingzax
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Ma,

Hi. I must be forever a frustration to you....if so, I'm sorry.

I think this new counselor may actually be able to help me. I would never have picked a male counselor, but did so because I thought P would be more comfortable with a man...anyway, to sum up the past week:

P volunteered to go to counseling. It went about as I expected, with P really not contributing, with nothing to say. I could tell he was mad at me, even though I never asked him to go after he said he wasn't going to. At any rate, P gave me the silent treatment the rest of the day and until saturday night, when he told me he was not going to go back....because it was too painful for him, being 47 years old, to be sitting in some jerk-off's suburban apartment talking about our relationship. Long story short, after several "fights" we are back to where we always are: I am pretending things are fine, and he probably actually thinks that.

But I went back to the counselor. It wasn't the same as my previous counseling sessions with a female, close to my age - I didn't feel as comfortable in a lot of ways, but:

BUT:

My new counselor summed P up in about 2 sentences. It was so....relieving (?) to have someone validate what I felt...what I see...to know I am not crazy, that someone else can recognize that P has no ability to empathize, that he has no interest in seeing any other perspective but his own...and to hear a man say that to me...I mean, I don't know why it should matter that much to me, but to have a man recognize what I am experiencing...

I know that I don't deal with my feelings because it's just too painful - I have no interest in being super-miserable, so I just put "it" away...I don't think about it, I don't deal with it, because it is like a deep, dark hole that I feel like I will never get out of. So I just don't even go there. And I know that I am still just not "there". But another thing my counselor said that I am actually mulling over...

I told him a brief history of my life, and he said something that really bothered me. That maybe I have been depressed my whole life. That maybe "who I am" has been colored for as long as I can remember, by depression.

Now, the last thing I want to do is sell my mind to a pharmacutical company...it's really disturbing to me to think about taking an antidepressant for what - forever? And that who I am may or may not be, or who I actually am, isn't really me, or that who I think I am...I'm actually not that person - brain chemistry is nothing to screw around with, and to think that I have spent my whole life living through a veil, skewed from depression - well, that's really more than I can even process...but here's what my counselor, L, said (and of course I am paraphrasing):

"Depression is especially troubling because you view everything through the lens of depression - there's no rational decision-making because depression clouds every aspect of your life." He went on to say that I might be able to make better decisions for my life and live my life for ME if I wasn't depressed.

SO. To me that is a lot to think about. I have an appointment with a mental health clinic mid-week. I don't really know how I feel about it - I mean, I would not have considered myself depressed before talking with L, because it is the way I have always been. L says it is all the more reason I may benefit from anti-depressants - because I have been "hard-wired" to be this way, and that I will need help to get out of it. He suggested that if I was in a better mental state, that leaving P wouldn't be so much of a stumbling block as it currently seems to be.

I don't know how to feel about all of this - there is some other stuff going on in my life (work stuff) that I don't have the energy to go into. Suffice it to say that I am doing two things - thinking about it a little bit and then putting it away, because I just don't know how to feel...but maybe I am going somewhere. We'll see.

I hope you are well, ma.

Take care,

zax

June 21, 2009
10:21 am
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CAMER
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hi Zax...glad you are going to check out the appt at the mental health clinic and hope it works out well for you.

I used to be on antidepressents, for over 7 years, i was "diagnosed" mildly depressed....and that doesn't mean that i need them for life, and if i did...so be it.

Maybe digging into your life, and finding more about you, and if you are "depressed" maybe something will come of this, and taking anti dep. pills......the pills helped me for years.

Keep posting & (((((hugs your way))))) camer

June 26, 2009
2:12 pm
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sunshine88
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how have you been, zax? u posted one time on my thread, and i have kept you in mind from then on.

hugs.

July 1, 2009
7:16 am
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Zax....

I'm so glad to hear that you have found a counsellor who you are finding helpful! I hope that you are on the way to a more satisfying and fulfilling life for yourself.

Remember way back when, when we talked about the HSP trait? I don't remember if you said you had read Elaine Aron's book, but she does have a part in there about association with HSP and depression.

Just wanted you to know that I am sending a big cyberhug your way and very best wishes that you're going to get the support you need to improve your life. You'll make better decisions about P and everything else when you're not under that life-draining black cloud of depression.

take good kare...
kisses from your old friend, kroiks

July 2, 2009
2:50 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Zax -

I am so hopeful that appropriate medications may open a window in your life which has remained closed up until this point.

Remember...there is no "shame" in needing support medication. Usually, it is for a season, not FOREVER.

Please give us an update. Remember when Doubleloss went on antidepressantws? It changed her entire outlook and life within just about a month of consistently taking the support medication.

I say, "Go for it." You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Leave no stone unturned, my friend.

- Ma Strong

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