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SOS Please help!
December 27, 2003
5:21 pm
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astraal
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i am hurting and could use some support. for the past 4 months i was living in south africa with my husband and 5 yr old daughter. my husband is south african and went back home 7 months ago after losing a job. he talked me into going there and i gave up a very good job and my independence. once i got there i was sorry. everything he told me was a lie. i was so hurt. i begged him to come back to the states but he refused. he did not have a job there and we were living off his family. i had no one there to go to for support and he treated me badly if i did not agree with everything. i finally got the nerve to leave him. my family brought me and my daughter back but i had to leave without his knowing. it has been 2 weeks and i have heard nothing from him but did get an email from his mother wondering how i was doing. i have to fight urges that are painful not to call and beg him to come back. am i sick or what? it is like i can't help myself. my family is supportive but these feelings are overwhelming. how do you get through them? i must start all over and find a job. i guess what bothers me most is that he can block his feelings and not be affected like i am. it was a horrible christmas and i feel so alone. can anyone spare a few thoughts to help me?

December 27, 2003
5:36 pm
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Zinnie
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Perhaps he is hurting as much as you and is embarrassed by what all happened? Could this be?

What did his Mom say to you in her e-mail?

December 27, 2003
6:13 pm
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astraal
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oh thank you so much for responding. i am feeling so badly. i called lifeline to get through yesterday.i hope you don't mind if i put more of my life of the past 7yrs here so u can understand. for the most part of seven years, i have stared at the back of my husbands head as he (i think) is addicted to pc games. this is all he ever does. this is where all of his interest/hobbies are. if we ever went somewhere he had to rush back and play. he spent most of his evenings playing games. for two years he got me addicted to the game Everquest. he was fine as long as i would play with him. after 2 years and the loss of his good paying job i stopped playing. he wasn't motivated to finding a job and i would constantly look in the paper to find him jobs so that he could send out a resume. although i had a good job, it was not enough to pay our bills and we lost our home. this is when he got the bright idea that he would go back home. when he left i was relieved. i still had my job and could take care of our daughter. i lived with my family. he went to work in his brother's video shop in south africa where he could play his games all day. he said he was "looking for work" but expected the shop to pay well which it did not. he talked me into coming down there for just a "month". i took a leave of absence from my job and went there. at first everything everything was fine (honeymoon stage??) we lived in a flat in the back of his parent's home. he went to the video shop 10hrs a day (no pay mind you) while i stayed there by myself with my daughter. i homeschooled my daughter so she could keep up her skills. he worked everyday except fridays (which i demanded) so we could go grocery shopping. i would at first go down to the shop but got bored watching him play games. he would be very nice to me the whole time. i had to give my boss my resignation as i kept hoping things would get better. they did not. in fact he started treating me like dirt and if i disagreed with him on anything he would yell and slam the door and i would be totally alone for 10 hours. i survived by being "good" so he would not leave me alone. after 4 months i could not take it any longer and begged him to come back home. my family would pay our way and we could get a new start. he refused and started yelling at me again and treating me badly. i could not get a job there and began the cycle of trying to find a job for him. a week before i left, he did get a job but the job would require him to be on call 24/7 and travel up to 400 miles if needed. he did not seem to think there was anything wrong with this. i isolated myself from his family as they did not like me because i was not going to conform to their expectations, i could not handle it any longer and left with my daughter because i wanted here to have a good chance in life for education (life down there is a whole other story). we have been back 2 weeks. i left a note for him begging him to come back but he has not responded. this is what hurts. i feel betrayed, angry, hurt, sick.. you name it. i cannot sleep. his mother's letter inquired as to how i was doing. i lied and told her i was doing fine but would not return there. my husband can actually block his feelings. i have seen him do this many times. he can go on living without skipping a beat when things go bad. this is what has happened in my life and the holidays make it worse. he has not even tried to contact our daughter. i guess if we were part of his computer games he might notice us as he gives them more attention than we ever got. but again, the "sicko" part of me wants to call him and i have to fight so hard not to. please help.

December 27, 2003
6:49 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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It might be good to take a look at the different things on this site. I know that addicted people addicted to anything can not be there for anyone else. I hope you will find something encouraging on here that will give you understanding and help you know what to do.

December 27, 2003
6:51 pm
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free
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aastral

You're experience is very heartbreaking indeed. Instead of slowly moving in two different directions, you two seem to have just hit pretty high on the richter scale.

What would happen if you were to call him? Why are you afraid to? Are you afraid you will go back?

My heart goes out to you as does my admiration for your fine mothering skills. How lucky your daughter is to have a mother like you, who puts a child's needs and best interests first.

free

December 27, 2003
7:11 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Astraal,

I agree with Free, your daughter is indeed lucky that you as a parent - who may have some co-dependency issues put her first. Kudo's to you for that.

It sounds to me like you have a really good and strong handle on what your husband's pit falls are, as well as your own. For right now, be grateful that you have your family around for support. I'm happy for you in that.

How can your husband close off himself like this? There is a thread here called "Falling Prey to a Charmer/Abuser" by our very own loved and revered Ladeska. I highly suggest you read this, and see where you feel you might fit in.

Sadly, if he really is a narcissist, you are only one other person for him to control and use either directly or by extension.

With the political unrest all the time underlying the situation in South Africa, I can certainly understand why you returned - not to mention the fact that your family is here.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Zinnie

December 27, 2003
11:05 pm
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strengthishere
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There is nothing wrong with you wanting to call him. It's just your mothering instinct to want to have this family that he so does not deserve. In life women have hopes and dreams of the picket fence family and that is destroyed for you, I know this because I'm going through something not as similar but with my daughters father. He just kept playing games with my head and remains cruel and shoves his new relationship in my face intentionally hurting me. If he hasn't contacted you well then I can't tell you what to do but in your heart you know the right answer, you just may have to dig deeper. What I can tell you is that you need to find your strength and there is an organization out there on the web it's http://www.parentswithoutpartners.ca check it out and maybe it can help.

December 28, 2003
12:08 pm
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astraal
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i want to thank everyone here for all of their comments, supports and advice. you are all WONDERFUL! i have been reading other topics here and drawing strength from them. i am also checking into parents without partners as a local source for support. i hurt badly and i know it will take me time to get on with things in my life. a million thank yous! i hope to continue to get support from the discussions here.
love to all, astraal:)

December 28, 2003
1:32 pm
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Anonymous
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You're lucky he's so far away. I would hope he stays there. You can and will build a new life for you, a much better one. Unless you're addicted to the drama life with your husband would give you, this is good riddance. I would work on strengthening myself against the self-doubt that makes you wonder "am I sick?". HE is sick. And very. You're a survivor of a horrible experience, functioning the best a person can in such a traumatic situation. Kudos for you !

This coming from someone who doesn't believe in staying together and making a commitment to 'change him'. I rather believe in cutting your losses, however much inlove you are and afraid of being alone again. I think making something decent from your husband right now is impossible. He can only get out of the mud he is in if and when he himself chooses to, and not because he's being expected or pressured to 'change'.

I'd say stay around for support with issues that arise on your path to liberation.

Wish you all the best !

December 28, 2003
3:38 pm
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ldhkah
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I am new to this, but I hear you loud and clear. I fell in love at first sight with a man 7 years ago. He has pulled this, "I love you so much" to "Please let me go" routine at least yearly. This year was the worst. I went a month not knowing if he was dead or alive, but called him on 12/23 and delivered Christmas presents to him and his family, including his grandson who considers me his grandmother (because he swore he would never do this to me again). Then he leaves me a message on 12/26 saying, "I guess we should talk at some point" only to tell me it was "inappropriate" to buy his grandson and him presents and to ask me to "let him go." I am devastated. Why do I continue to want him so much. He too is an addictive type personality. He drinks too much (but is VERY functional) and escapes with TV and videos/DVDs--fantasy. Also, he is enmeshed with his children who, yet again, have moved in with him. It is like he can't handle juggling them and me at the same time. He even told me that I "know too much." I am beside myself. All I have done is shown love for him and his family and this is what I get? Please,if anyone reads this, I need help to deal. Thank you.

December 28, 2003
5:10 pm
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astraal
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idhkah,
i am very new here too. the people here are great and very supportive. it helps to read the other posts too as i am learning that i am not alone with my feelings. i get these waves of intense emotions where i want to call him and have come very close to it. the feelings come and go but are HIGH intensity and come without warning. all i can compare it to is how a drug addict must feel when he/she needs a fix. it is overwhelming but if i hang on tight they subside eventually and i am fine till the next one hits. my daughter helps to distract the feelings and we play games and go for walks. i also come here and read and read. it helps! my thoughts are with you dear friend. maybe with the help of the others we can overcome these creatures and begin a new life. hugs to you! astraal

December 28, 2003
10:33 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi ldhkah,

What does he mean "you know too much" and he is too enmeshed with his kids?

To me it sounds like he wants you around when it's convenient for him - but when he thinks you expect something (like mutual love and respect) from him, he pushes you away.

I hope that helps - a little.

Love,

Zinnie

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