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SO's Best Friend Drivin me Nuts!
May 8, 2009
1:12 pm
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Gracey
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Okay so I need advice on how to handle this problem. It could be that i am overreacting, but I am so bothered by this situation, it is driving me nuts.

So my significant other has a 'best' friend who is female. She is a very needy person and is constantly involved in a crisis, often having to have him 'come to her rescue'. Even he complains about her constant drama, but in some ways i feel like he is addicted to it. When she found a boyfriend who she moved in with, i thought it would taper off, but not so...her boyfriend travels alot and she STILL calls my S/O every night (maybe more, but when i am with him at night she calls at least once, but many times she calls multiple times a day, and it can be midnight or whatever, doesnt matter). She constantly wants him to go out drinking and since I am pregnant it makes me angry when i am at home and he is out drinking with her. Fortunately he has cut back considerably on that behaviour, only going out once in a while, but I still get furious at her constant need for his attention. I know she often meets him for lunch during the day. I also noticed that she has HIM in her facebook profile picture, NOT her boyfriend, which of coarse, annoys me. She often tries to befriend me, but crazy people freak me out. Honestly, I dont even want her around my baby.

I have tried to let him know that I am annoyed at her constant insertion into our life and our relationship, and for a while I will notice it to go away, but then it will always intensify after a while. I also know that he encourages it, taking the phone into the bathroom to text her back when he doesnt answer her calls at night, or communicating with her during the day when Im not around.

What do I do without pushing him further into her corner? I mean, I cant tell him he cant be her friend anymore after a 15 year friendship, and many of his other friends arent calling anymore becuase he isnt drinking as much. I dont want him to be isolated from his friends, I dont know what i want! maybe IM the needy one. All i know is that last night when she called I just shut down because im sooooooo sick of it. Of coarse she wanted him to go out drinking. This time he didnt go, but I was still angry that she called. Where is HER boyfriend ever?

Advice Please?

May 8, 2009
1:56 pm
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atalose
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The best advice I can give is to sit down calmly and have a talk with your bf about his “friendship” with this other woman and how it makes you feel.

Explain how his OVER involvement in her life takes away from the life the two of you are trying to create.

Explain that night time is “your” time with him and he is allowing her to take that away from the both of you.

I understand your anger towards her but that seems displaced because he is allowing and encouraging the behavior.

Is your bf co-dependent?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 8, 2009
2:33 pm
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Gracey
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Atalose,

Thank you for your response. I do not know if he is codependent, but he enjoys having alot of friends and seems to be happiest when his phone is ringin off the hook, and he definately ignores character flaws which would cause me to rethink wanting to be friends with someone...

I agree that its silly for me to be angry at HER, but I cant help it. I just have always respected my guy-friends relationships, and have given them the space to grow them and calling someone elses boyfriend/husband in the middle of the night for whatever reason would NEVER occur to me. She has told him she was in alot of trouble and needed a ride home from a bad situation and hes gotten there only to find out she just wanted him to come hang out with her.

I have been preparing myself to talk to him about it again but I guess needed others imput since it only worked for a while last time, i thought maybe i was going about things the wrong way. Plus i feel like ive noticed more sneaky behaviour, like him talking to her in the bathroom, which has me thinking im doing all the wrong things.

Okay...thanks for listening...

May 8, 2009
2:47 pm
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atalose
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I don’t think sharing your feelings is ever a bad thing. Could it be he knows how upset you get when she calls so he’s trying to hide it from you rather then argue about it? That’s why he goes into the bathroom?

What’s your attitude and behavior like when you know she is calling him?

When you say it only worked for a while after your last talk, how long is a while?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 8, 2009
3:00 pm
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Gracey
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I admit that i get upset. I dont yell at him, i just get quiet and I dont know what to do, so I say nothing. When she called last time I just went silent and gave him a look.

I had told him calmly the first time that her constant calls were damaging our relationship and that I needed him to set some boundaries with her. This seemed to work for about three months, but then things went back to her calling all the time. She has even had him put ME on the phone so that she could explain to me that she hadnt seen him in a WEEK and she really wanted to hang out with him and would I please *let* him go out with her...I dont know, I guess i feel manipulated or something...he can do whatever he wants, and he does do whatever he wants, it doesnt change the fact that I feel like it reaches unhealthy proportions and starts to upset me after a while.

May 8, 2009
4:11 pm
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fantas
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Gracey,

I understand you frustration and I agree that you should let your bf know how you feel, calmly, and maybe discuss more comfortable solutions. If I was in your shoes, I would do one of two things, either join them every now and then when they meet. She may get fed up with that and even ask your boyfriend to come alone, which would, hopefully, force him to make a decision one way or the other.

The other thing, which is probably what I would do, is invite her over every now and then and make friends with her as a woman. She must be lonely and in great need of male attention, and your bf seems to have a connection with her. However, he is with you, and that's worth something. Only he can decide how and when he will end this relationship. As women, we have been taught a horrible lesson in competing with each other for men. If this his guy friend, you would have no problem with it. Also, you probably wouldn't mind being friends with him.

The only reason this is different is because you are feeling threatened and jealous of her. This puts you at a disadvantage in your relationship. Also, if you husband was willing to cheat, there is no amount of anger would make him stop. It's possible that your bf might need to rethink and readjust his involvement with this friendship but you getting angry and shut down is passive aggressive, and will only prolong this process.

The other solution which I wouldn't do, in this case, is to give him a "me or her" ultimatum. He might do it but feel resentful towards you and may end up doing exactly what you fear.

Other than the bf/f situation, I think this is more about you and your insecurities from way before you met this man, and they are making you want to control him, which is why you are getting upset and shutting down, aka emotional manipulation or a control tactic. If you can figure out this, maybe you can have peace knowing that you would be just fine with or without him. Use this opportunity to heal yourself.

Do you have the book "codependent no more". I do not know if you'd consider yourself codependent but I think you'd benefit from the book either way.

Keep posting ~peace~

May 8, 2009
4:37 pm
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Gracey
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fantas,
I do (consider myself codependent), which is why i come here, but i also have a history of getting taken advantage of and letting people get away with murder, which is probably why I am getting controlling now. Sometimes i look at their (my S/O and his friend) behaviors and think, that something could be goin on right in front of me and I dont want to be 'that girl' thats in denial and letting it go on right in front of me like some sort of idiot.

I have hung out with her in the past, and sometimes we get along, but since i am pregnant and cant drink, when they go out i feel like everyones in on jokes that are totally flying over my head and i dont have fun. Additionally, the last time we were out she wanted him to come smoke with her and told me i couldnt come with them. I dont smoke anymore, but felt like she was purposely trying to get him alone.

Also,sometimes if the focus is removed from her for even two minutes she will leave in a huff. There have been many times where my boyfriend and i have become engaged in a short conversation (i am talking just him turning to me to say one thing and me answering back, thats all) that does not include her and she will leave very upset. then he has to call her and ask "whats wrong whats wrong?" and the the night is ruined. Even though I can 'get along' with her, i think this behavior is downright crazy and manipulative. I just am so tired of it after so many years.

I know you guys are right though, i have to be secure in myself and not try to control him. What i wish for more than anything is to just not care. I dont know how to do that, though. If you have any ideas how to 'not care' feel free to send them my way.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that he is really jealous and freaks out if i associate with other guys, so to add to it, theres a HUGE double standard going on. Part of me feels really resentful...

May 8, 2009
5:06 pm
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fantas
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((((Gracie)))), Oh wow I'm sorry about all that, ya, If all that is going on, you need to put your foot down with him. He needs to make a decision one way or the other and he seems as attached to her as she is to him. Very unhealthy. I would recommend reading the book "Safe People" by Henry and Cloud. It's written from a biblical perspective but, it's really good. If that wouldn't bother you, I would say read it. They also have others on boundaries and changes that heal. All of them I found very useful for me.

Still at the end of the day, you cannot control anyone but yourself. I do not think it's possible to switch your emotions from love to not caring. It's a process and may take a while all at once. However, you do not have to do it with him around.

Right now you want to make sure that you are as healthy as you can be, so your baby can grow well. All this stress is really affecting the baby. Your bf doesn't get this, which to me indicates his level of maturity. All you can do at this point is tell him what you want, what you are willing to do to if you don't get it, and then take care of your baby.

You deserve some peace. Do you have other support other than him?

May 9, 2009
10:16 am
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atalose
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Gracey,

I don’t think it’s as much of a control issue as it appears to be more about you trying to have a normal relationship with him and it’s become a triangle relationship that very much is including her.

It’s very true when it’s said that we teach people how to treat us. Your bf has taught her that her behavior is expectable to him. And if his behavior is no longer acceptable to you then you need to express that. You need to let him know that his over involvement with her makes you feel like a third wheel in your own relationship.

How long have you been with your bf? How long has he been friends with this girl?

She sounds like she desperately needs attention and she gets that from your bf so her behavior will continue until he has had enough. It may be that he likes feeling needed by her, rescuing her from all her drama/chaos that engages his attention.

I think that you need to seriously begin to think for the long term here, you both will be having a baby and you want a nice family life and if he doesn’t realize or understand or care how his involvement with his friend effects all that then you may need to think about going it alone with the baby.

I think that since you talked to him once before and things improved regarding her that talking to him again will work. You just have to watch for the back slide and as soon as you see his involvement growing, nip it in the bud before it gets overwhelming.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 11, 2009
11:37 am
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Gracey
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Thanks Atalose,

We have been together for three years..

Thats sound advice. I agree it worked before, hopefully it will work again. I will talk to him. I just get so tired, you know? like i feel like i have to keep everyone straight all the time and its exhausting. Even my friends, sometimes I dont know what they are thinking. If im not constantly telling people to 'stop this' and 'stop that' they will trample all over me. When will everyone grow up? I feel like im the only one growing up! Im in my late thirties! Its time!

Hmmmm, I guess i have a case of the mondays...time to get to work!

Thanks everyone for listening and your feedback!!!

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