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May 24, 2004
11:44 pm
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sallie
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I'm new to this so bear with me. I am 11 days out of a 10 year relationship. I should be happy, at least okay, with it. I for sure did everything to sabbotage it through the years. But so did he. I thought I was doing the right thing by loving him with open arms and giving him the space to be himself. But in turn he thought I didn't love him enough to try and change him and his bad behaviors. I guess I was waiting for him to change on his own. He was waiting for me to love him enough to change him. Now he's with someone who lives next door and I guess is willing to take him on and make him change. It's a good thing...for them. For me I feel so blindsided and abandoned. I just want him back. But why didn't I want him enough when we were together. I feel so screwed up and know I need to GET HEALTHY. Where do I start? Why do I feel so hopeless?

May 24, 2004
11:54 pm
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Zinnie
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First of all "Welcome"

I guess my first question would be "can you move? and "how soon?"

You cannot change anyone. You can only change yourself.

Let her have the "fixer-upper" - you deserve the "suped up" model.

Zinnie

May 25, 2004
12:18 am
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annastar
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I think- there are types of woman that can change man. They just so sexy, same time- they don’t give a s*** about man, just demanding- I want you to change this and that- otherwise- I will find some one who has it. And man will change. I keep blaming myself for death of my b/f, because I could not change him- he was just keep doing it (drugs), and it was going on almost 10 years. But you know what- it was other woman he liked so much and she told him- “I don’t care how you going to do it, but I want you to be different”. He was trying to change- I could not believe it, but I saw it. One night she took her stuff and went home to her parents. He committed suicide (or overdose). His mother told me- it was all my fault- I did not love him enough to help him change. And she did! O- I wanted him back! I just knew- there is nothing can be done to have him back- he is dead. Later on I found some one else who reminded me my b/f, and I still waiting when he will chang… And you know what- there also that another woman he would do anything for. I guess- what I want is to learn how to be careless, as that woman, so he would want to change for me. There are plenty men that would do anything for me- I just don’t like them. So- may be the key is to pick one you don’t like, let him know- you don’t care, and he will do everything for you?

May 25, 2004
12:20 am
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sallie
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Thanks for the welcome. Fortunately I don't need to move. I want to change myself. I want to be happy for him. Believe me, she's got her hands full. He talks as if it was my fault that he would go to Vegas for the weekend and blow $4000 at a time. It was my fault that he drank too much. He says he was exploding all over the place and I did nothing to stop him. I can understand that he needed more from me but from my perspective I was waiting for him to take care of himself. He says we were at cross-purposes. He was my best friend and I am going to miss that. I want, and yes I deserve, the "suped up" model. Why is it they "supe up" when they leave for the new one?

May 25, 2004
12:23 am
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You might feel hopeless because you feel a natural sense of loss and sadness after ending a ten year long relationship. That's very normal, even if it's a relationship you no longer want to be in. It would be strange if you didn't miss him a little. By no means am I advising you to go back to him- I'm just saying change is hard so give yourself a break. You need healing time.

Welcome-
ella.

May 25, 2004
12:28 am
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Oh Sallie, even if you had a codependent relationship... it is NOT your fault he drank so much. Even when there is an enabler, it is not the enabler's fault that the person is an addict... that seed was planted long before you came on the scene... I don't even have to know much about your situation to know that is true. Please don't blame yourself for someone else's behavior... if you do that is one problem you may repeat in another future relationship when you could be happy.
been there.
-ella

May 25, 2004
12:34 am
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sallie
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Yeah, I miss him a lot. And I know I just need to push through it and get a healthier perspective about everything. If we couldn't make it work after 10 years then there is no point in wasting any more time. It's time for me to take care of myself and not worry about a future without him in it. I need to look forward to an unknown but exciting future and all that it will hold for me. I'm trying. I really am. I keep taking deep breaths and reassuring myself. I hope soon I'll actually believe it.

May 25, 2004
1:10 am
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I think your attitude is healthy and really positive.
-ella

May 25, 2004
2:11 am
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sallie
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Thanks Ella...now if I could just get some sleep...I guess eventually I'll just get so tired I'll have no choice. 🙂

May 25, 2004
4:36 am
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uptoolate
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Zinnie is right. You can't change someone, only yourself. And shame on him for helping make you feel responsible for him. That's rediculous, it's like saying "It's your fault that I robbed the bank and got caught." or it's your fault that I smoked that crack and overdosed" He is obviously not man enough to take on the responsibility of his own behaviors and actions.

It's not that you didn't love him enough to change him, it's that he didn't love himself enough to change, and then he wanted you to take the blame for everything that was his fault.

You are MUCH better off without him. Now it's time to take care of you.

May 25, 2004
10:49 am
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CAMER
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you said it, you were with him for
10 years and things never worked, so
why now would things work, he obviously needs to change himself, and I have learned in the past "what
you see is what you get" you cannot change people. You are probably sad
and lonely which is normal, things
are different now, and the unknown of
the future is not clear, grab hold of
yourself, give yourself a hug and know you are doing the right thing, and in time, i promise things will
get better, you are doing the right
thing!!!

May 25, 2004
11:24 am
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chloeysmomma
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i feel like u do totally going through similiar stuff and its hard so welcome hugs cm

May 25, 2004
8:26 pm
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sallie
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Thanks so much for the support. It's nice to know there are others that really do understand. Today was a lot better but then as the day winds down and I go home to an empty house and I have that urge to call him just to talk...that's when the dull ache comes back. I have this perverted need to make him understand my point of view (which I know he never will) and also to make sure he's not angry with me at the same time (why do I even care??) These are the things I need to understand about myself and hopefully improve upon. I just wish I could turn off my mind...

May 25, 2004
8:28 pm
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sallie
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I meant perverse NOT perverted! 😉

May 25, 2004
8:51 pm
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Zinnie
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Get out that rubber band!

He said that it was YOUR fault that he was exploding all over the place? I mean come on, was he wanting a partner or a mother?

Just keep moving forward Sallie, don't look back.

May 25, 2004
9:04 pm
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annastar
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It is very hard to start new life, but it is good opportunity. Right now you feel related to this person; this is why you care about what he thinks about you. Later on you will learn that it “Does not really matter”. Camer is right- what you see is what you get- it may take a years, before he realizes of what he missed and what he lost and change (or not), but you don’t have to wait for it. Try to build support group, keep yourself busy, try to establish some kind of closeness with friend or relative, some one you may feel really related to and realize- He is gone. He is not your family any more, you have your own way to go now, and - it going to be very exciting very-very soon!

May 25, 2004
9:40 pm
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sallie
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It's hard but I know there's so much reward in moving forward and with a clean slate...of sorts. I think I'm just at this place where while I'm mourning the loss of a long-term relationship, I'm also wanting to figure out the part I played in this (and other past relationships) and how I might go about it "better" the next time. And I'm scared that there won't be a next time and I'm scared that there will be. My comfort zone is screaming at me right now. I want what was comfortable whether it was good for me or not. He was my family and I loved him inspite of his self-destructive ways. I even told him the reason I wouldn't marry him was because I would have been the biggest bitch about his careless ways but not marrying him I could let him be himself and I prayed one day he would get his shit together. Yes, he is gone. It's sinking in. And yes, I pray my life will only get better with each passing day. The support really helps.

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