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sorting out my feelings again, from orange
March 27, 2005
3:55 am
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bonita1
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Bi-polar, yes definitely. Don't you realize, hon, that this would be the pattern for you & her in any kind of future you might have? 80 years of up/down? That could really wear you down.

And you're bi-polar too? Hon, would any little orangeboys and girls get bi-polar too if both of you are bi-polar?

Also, you mentioned that you are sick? What do you have, a cold?

March 27, 2005
3:56 am
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orangeboy
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oh man that was so cute.

ahem, gee, i wish i just knew whether you lived closer to mexico or canada...ooh well. i can respect not knowing the answer to that question. how long of a drive is it to the ocean? i live a block and a half from a little marina, and it's very chilly here. sunshiny sometimes, but mostly around 50. and there are lots of really really tall trees with this interesting soft red bark all around me...oh well. sigh. i'll ask you again in 2006...

March 27, 2005
3:58 am
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bonita1
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ob-wan,

With all due respect, it's probably a very good thing that she dropped the Saturday class. You're also very right in saying that you did not make her drop, it was her decision.

Keep up your medication, hon. The problem with most bi-polar people is that the minute they start to feel good or well, they stop taking their meds and they crash down hard.

March 27, 2005
4:04 am
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orangeboy
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no, i'm 9 shades of messed up. i have fibromyalgia and rsi stuff, and a messed up shoulder from getting hit by a car on my bike in front of the hospital on my way to physical therapy-i always have to say it that way 'cos it's so ridiculous. and i was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when i was 15, but i haven't experienced any symptoms since then so i think it was a false alarm.. that's okay though, the fibromyalgia keeps me going. so much pain, so little time.

i don't generally mind the bipolarness. i mean i don't right now 'cos for the most part my meds are working. and i learned the other day that the sooner you get things under control with meds, the slower it develops, if it continues to develop at all. we've talked mostly about adopting anyhow, not 'cos of the mental health stuff, but just 'cos. she wants to give birth and adopt, but...well, that's all i'll say about that.

March 27, 2005
4:09 am
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orangeboy
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yeah, it's the depression i've gotta worry about. but i'm really good about my meds after a good 3 times of deciding, "wait! i'm not crazy! this medication is crazy and i don't need it!" then i'm awake for about a month straight starting and getting into about a million brilliant projects until i crash and feel like killing myself. these meds are great though. i don't feel like a zombie or a tweaker. i feel mostly stable. except that the fibro is part sleeping disorder and causes wonky moodedness. it sounds so funny writing all this stuff down. i feel worried like, oh no, now you won't want to know whether i live closer to canada or mexico in 06! but this is who i am. and so much more...

March 27, 2005
4:11 am
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bonita1
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Geez, I feel so sorry for Terri Schiavo's family.

You know what, hon, I am getting really sleepy zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm gonna hit the hay.

Muy Felices Pascuas, ob-wan! Whatever you religion is, doesn't matter, I still wish you a Happy Easter.

I will try to drop in sometime tomorrow night or rather tonight 'cuz it's almost 1:30 am!

Sweet dreams, hon. Besos, muah, muah XXXOOO ;0

March 27, 2005
4:12 am
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orangeboy
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and i'm done with being worried that i'm too messed up and no one could want to be with me. that's part of what's been scary to me about letting go of her, but then suddenly 4 people crept out of the shadows to admit crushes on me as soon as we broke up. hmm, it's almost as though that were planned...funny how that works...

March 27, 2005
4:14 am
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orangeboy
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ok, goodnight sweetie. ;0.

March 27, 2005
4:20 am
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bonita1
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I will ask about all your med issues manana. Geez, talk about irony, getting hit by a car in front of a hospital on your way to physical therapy!!!

Good night, hon. Hope you are feeling calm and peaceful by now and can get some sleep. 😉

Love, Bonita 😀

March 27, 2005
9:04 pm
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orangeboy
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hey bonita, i had so much fun talking to you last night! how'd easter go with your kids? i had a brunch at a good friend's house and there were tons of people there, most of whom i knew, which was nice. it's nice to begin making more friends. then i finally broke down and called her after people asking me where she was and whether she was going to come over for the show tonight, so i called to let her know that i think it's okay if she goes, that i'm not going to prevent her from getting to see this corny show that we're all addicted to. it's on cable and there's only one group of people we know that has it within a 160 mile radius. so then when i called she was like, "how did you know i called you if you haven't been home all day? i called you and went over to your house and dropped something off with a note..." i haven't been home yet to see what it was, but it was so so nice to just say hi to her and chat for a minute. she went and saw my favorite author speak yesterday 5 hours away while i was in class, and i didn't know it was happening. she joked that he said to tell me hi. maybe that's what she dropped off, his new cd or something. ugh. anyhow, i guess i slipped up. but it also felt so good. like i felt strong right then that i can see her and not be totally crazy to her, that i can be friends and that'll be fine. who knows if i'll feel like that tomorrow. ugh. but i can always take space. oh, i've done about 20 minutes of homework in the last week, so i should really really do some! i don't know whether my phone line is fixed or not, it's super stormy here and my phone line goes down whenever it's the slightest bit rainy or windy. so i probably won't be able to talk later. i hope you had a good easter with your little munchkins! much love to you sweetie pie ;0. orange

March 28, 2005
1:21 am
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woundedspirit
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Wow OB...sorry to butt in so far into this but...I feel like Im reading about myself. I know all those emotions you are going through so well. God I wish there was some kind of a switch we could just shut off when emotions got to overwhelming. When relationships end. ATLEAST a dimmer switch!! I have been staying "friends" with my ex for ten months now. Everyone says to let go of the friendship. Its soooo hard to be mere friends when you are so in love still. And its way to easy to see love in return that just isnt there anymore. Every little sliver of hope is blown way out of proportion only to inevitable be smashed down by reality far to soon. I hate it. Mine is moving 1300 miles away in a few weeks. Good news for me and closure? Im dying. I cant see it as good at all. I hope it will get easier for you soon.

March 28, 2005
1:52 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hey, Bonita, you here?

Hi Orangeboy, hope all is ok. I didn't read above. sorry

March 28, 2005
2:31 pm
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orangeboy
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woundedspirit, i'm sorry to hear about your pain. i'm having sort of the opposite feeling right now though. we hung out last night and she told me she missed me and hugged me and stuff. i realized that i would rather have her in my life (with enough time and space to really consider my feelings and work on my stuff) as close friends than not at all. the only thing that seems different is that we aren't being physical. we're even making som future plans. i think that spending some time apart has given me more clarity on her situation and i plan on asking her more about it soon. in about a month and a half we will be parting ways for the summer, spending far more time apart than we ever have-3 months, and i think that that will be a better time to have space.

bonita if you're reading this, i hope you're not sighing, shaking your head and saying, "oh orangie, NOOO!" i'd love to talk to you more about it later. i have to go back to class! i'm such a poor student right now! slacker. that's my middle name.

mamac, no worries about reading my posts, you've got your own stuff going on and i haven't been there much for you lately either, and for that i'm sorry. but i also think it's good for us to focus on our needs when we have them, and offer support when we can, and be clear about that. isn't that part of what healthy relating is all about?

xo all, orange

March 28, 2005
4:04 pm
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bonita1
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mamac,

just dropped in for a few minutes...what's up?

March 28, 2005
4:25 pm
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bonita1
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Sigh, orangie, orangie...

LOL!!! Really got you going there didn't I? Hon, listen, I just want you to be happy. Heck, I want me to be happy too! In fact I want everybody on this site to be happy!!!!

Whatever, you decide to do, I'm supporting you...that's what co-dependent cyber-friends are for, especially if their cyber-girlfriend & boyfriend. Don't you think that our mouses (mice?) make a cute couple????

Gotta go now, the chef is being paged (that's me!).

Love you, narnajita dulce muy dulce!

Besos, Bonita Babe!!! XXXOO

March 28, 2005
5:03 pm
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woundedspirit
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ob...Ive always felt Id rather have him in my life as just a "friend" than not at all. And thats what Ive done. But just was saying...its NOT an easy place to be when youre still in love. Has caused me alot of hurt when he has been seeing someone else off and on. And wanting more...its not an easy place to be. I hope it will work out for you

March 28, 2005
5:09 pm
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bonita1
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woundedspirit,

You are so right. It's a choice that you make whether to be just friends or to make it a clean kill. Both involve much pain. But, which has the better chance of healing?

It's a tough place to be and I feel both your and OB's pain. 🙁

~~bonita

March 28, 2005
5:36 pm
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woundedspirit
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Bonita...thank you! Staying friends allowed us to get back together several times in the past. However, this time around has been a 10 month long roller coaster...I think we are soooo closee! Or I think we are back together...only to realize he is not thinking along the same lines and not on the same level. The past several weeks we have been sooo close and I felt very close to back together and what does he do??? Took a job clear across the country and is moving in 2 weeks!! Im DYING!! If we had cut that string long ago...I wonder if Id be over the hurt by now. I dont know. Then again, there have been some great things in that time that I would have missed out on. more hurt though, I think.

March 28, 2005
5:36 pm
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woundedspirit
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Bonita...thank you! Staying friends allowed us to get back together several times in the past. However, this time around has been a 10 month long roller coaster...I think we are soooo closee! Or I think we are back together...only to realize he is not thinking along the same lines and not on the same level. The past several weeks we have been sooo close and I felt very close to back together and what does he do??? Took a job clear across the country and is moving in 2 weeks!! Im DYING!! If we had cut that string long ago...I wonder if Id be over the hurt by now. I dont know. Then again, there have been some great things in that time that I would have missed out on. more hurt though, I think.

March 28, 2005
6:19 pm
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orangeboy
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wow wounded spirit, that sounds so very painful. i'm sorry that you're hurting so much. wow.

yes blurry lines make for difficult days, that's apparent. sheesh. luckily i know my girl wouldn't date anyone else with me around. she's been too honest with me for me to doubt that. she's said that if she was able to date anyone, she'd want it to be me, and i sincerely believe her. and today we went out for lunch and chatted and i started to get sad a few times, until i reminded myself, what more can i ask for than this right now? we're loving each other, providing support, having great conversations, even if we were together things wouldn't be different right this second! it's not like if we were together we'd be having sex on the lunch table, you know? and then when i dropped her off at class she blew me a kiss. and i just got an email from her mom, saying she loves me and all that, so we'll see. in my heart i feel it's only temporary, which i don't think is just prolonging the pain, i believe it to be true. sincerely. so, in making strides with that, i'm now able to focus on other things that i'm excited about, which is wonderful. i just hope i can keep up with this mindframe of patience and a grasp on understanding.

woundedspirit, your situation is so difficult, i don't know what to say other than i sympathize. has he alluded to where he intends to be emotionally with your situation once he moves?

bonita! i love you so much! you're totally fabulous and i hope you're smiling really big right now. and i too hope that all of us here can figure out how to be happy. i'm glad we have each other for support.

March 29, 2005
12:25 am
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bonita1
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Yeah, ob-wan!

May we all be happy someday soon and may the force be with us!! Sorry, couldn't resist that cornball quote!! 😀

Thanks, sweetie, for loving me sooooo much!! Right back at you!! It really made me smile my killer smile!

I hope that you have gotten a lot of studying today. Can't have you slacking!

March 29, 2005
12:31 am
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orangeboy
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such a slacker such a slacker such a slacker! but at least i spent an hour and a half at the gym to procrastinate! heh. i asked my teacher who's also a friend how i did on my midterm, saying that i felt it was a bit half-assed, and she just emailed me back saying half-assed is right! and she wants me to do it over...sigh. i'm so not in school mode right now. i pass every day looking forward to summer vacation. but for now i'm going to hunker down and make another attempt at studying. see ya, orangie

March 29, 2005
12:41 am
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bonita1
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Well that's pretty cool that she will allow you to take it over. Not many prof. would do that!

Now go on and study. I want to hear that you "done good!" By the way, what is your major? You'd make a good counselor or therapist.

March 29, 2005
12:52 am
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orangeboy
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awwwwww shucks, thanks. it's Native american studies with a focus on natural resources and environment. but there are hardly any other folks with my major and the dep't is getting the budget cut to even thinner shreds, so i'm gonna have to change it. there's only one class being offered in my major next semester, and it's only my second semester. sucks. but i'm going to design my own major and incorporate Native stuff from Mexico and Central and South America too, and spanish and more sustainability stuff and media stuff and education stuff. like next semester i'm going to take a documentary filmmaking class-YEAH!

so once upon a time you were a music major, what did you end up with after that? did you graduate? drop out? i've dropped out of college 9 times now. but this time i swore that i wouldn't, and so that's why i'm being a slacker rather than droppin'. gotta suffer through it, though it's not suffering at all. i'm lucky to get to be studying stuff that i want to study and to have enough money from financial aid to live comfortably while i'm doing it. i just get restless in the late winter/early spring. and depressed, but i feel really good right now. and so i should do my homework!! geez, i'm going to have to disconnect the internet at home so that i'll do my homework! hope you're well sweetie, talk to you later.

March 29, 2005
1:02 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hey Bonita and Orangeboy

How are ya'll? Nice post to Jigs OB.
Poor little thing.

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