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sorting out my feelings again, from orange
March 27, 2005
2:48 am
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bonita1
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ob-wan,

Don a wig like in dressing in drag??? LOL

I've always wanted to ask you...if it's not too nosy, how did you come up with your moniker orangeboy?

March 27, 2005
2:50 am
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orangeboy
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yeah, i used to play flamenco guitar, until my arms got injured. they're healed enough now that i can play for a good half an hour at a time, but i've forgotten most of my flamenco after 3 years. sad too, 'cos i went to spain to study right before i got hurt. now i've forgotten all that i learned. so now i generally croon out the heartbreakin' hits in my apartment at night. i like to cover some random folk songs, but also some 80's stuff that's so corny it's nice. music major huh? no longer? the piano and guitar were teeny tiny, or the amount of stuff you played?

March 27, 2005
2:50 am
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bonita1
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Now I am confused, you lived far away but now you don't? She does go to school with you everyday, right?

So, you would outstay your welcome?

March 27, 2005
2:52 am
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orangeboy
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i was feeling uncreative and couldn't think of anything that was entirely unrelated to me that i would remember. so i looked around my house as i was still unpacking and saw a satsuma mandarin box, so i came up with orangeboy. not very exciting, huh? how'd you come up with bonita? besides the obvious? 😉

March 27, 2005
2:52 am
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bonita1
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tag to you, too!

Are you typing away or did you go? Are you still weeping? and here I am trying like a maniac to make you laugh or at least smile!!!

March 27, 2005
2:57 am
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orangeboy
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Now I am confused, you lived far away but now you don't? She does go to school with you everyday, right?

So, you would outstay your welcome?

yeah, we lived 12 hours away, then 1.5, then 5, now 5 minutes. and yeah i would outstay my welcome. i did it a handful of times that i was aware of, and a few of the times that made her really mad were the ones where i checked in with her about it. she was like, if you're even asking that means you don't get it. grr.

you're definitely making me smile sweetie, not that it's your responsibility, but i do appreciate it.

i'm not crying right now, but it's been an on off thing all night. i get like that sometimes. i think it's also part of being so sick. somedays my moods are just super magnified. i even got all choked up in class today as we watched a zapatista video. i was like, "OH! solidarity! that's so touching! sniff sniff." geez. i'm such a pansy. not that a little pansy is a bad thing, but i'm the friggin' waterworks. you could open up a slide on my face, or solve the drought problems of the southwest!!

March 27, 2005
2:58 am
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bonita1
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My STBX used to call me that and I had such low self-esteem I would tell him, I don't feel like I am and then he would tell me how can you look in a mirror and not see what I see? You're beautiful, [email protected]#*ing gorgeous!

He was sweet then and this is really getting to me now, SH#T!!!!! Now all of those heartbreak feelings are washing over me and I'm crying too. 🙁

March 27, 2005
3:01 am
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orangeboy
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oh, sweetie, i didn't mean to be contagious! i used to say the exact same thing to her. until finally she said that it didn't really mean anything when i said it anymore 'cos i'd say it so much and she still didn't feel that way.

you're doing so good now...especially if you're keeping up with your therapist's strict no-men regimen, geez! you must be a man-eater!

March 27, 2005
3:04 am
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bonita1
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But even though I'm crying and it hurts, I know that I will never ever take him back ever. I'm grieving over the lost dream, the broken promises, the golden wedding bands that didn't mean jack! But most of all I think I am grieving over the loss of being in love.

March 27, 2005
3:06 am
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orangeboy
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what's "that"? pumpkin? that's such a tough word for me now. we still call each other that, and once while she was in a phase of missing me (if only i would've let that last longer) i hand-sewed her a fuzzy stuffed pumpkin to sleep with as though it was me to cuddle with.

in return, for our year anniversary she made me a little baby doll, out of pantyhose and cotton and put clothes on it, and even sewed dimples into the butt cheeks. even then she'd go back and forth as to whether it was "our baby" or mine. she said when she gave it to me that it was just mine, but it became such a hilarious joke between us that we'd take turns babysitting. tell the doll, okay sweetie, you're going to come stay at mama's this weekend, okay? the funniest thing was when i called and asked her to come over immediately with some clear nail polish 'cos the baby got a run in her face!

March 27, 2005
3:09 am
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bonita1
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no, I'm definitely not a man-eater, but I like men, they are fun to flirt with LOL now you've made me laugh, hon!!

March 27, 2005
3:10 am
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orangeboy
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isn't it so awful to know that there are these people who were once so beautiful and sweet and caring and perhaps at one time things would have been perfect between the two of you/them/us? until finally one day things just catch up with them and they break. out of fear, or anger, or something else? has he even tried to contact you? he can't huh? 'cos you blocked his email and phone number and return letters and stuff? does he even know or get it?

March 27, 2005
3:13 am
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orangeboy
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i've never been good at flirting. at least not intentionally. my version of flirting is that i run into or break things, stutter and break out into a cold sweat when i try and talk.

March 27, 2005
3:14 am
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bonita1
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That's funny honey, clear nail polish cuz baby's got a run in her face!!

That was really creative of you both.

I wish that both of our dreams had worked out. Too bad I can't date you (Heavy Sigh)

But being cyber-boyfriend/girlfriend is a blast, especially since I can't date til '06 LOL

March 27, 2005
3:15 am
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orangeboy
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well, i've never seen you, but personality-wise you certainly are a charmer. and it seems like if there's so much flirting going on you must be a looker too! not trying to come-on to you cyber girlfriend, just saying that there're some pretty rational thoughts to soak up into ye olde self esteem, no?

March 27, 2005
3:22 am
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orangeboy
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yeah, embarrassingly enough i squeeze the crap out of that damn glorified sock puppet every night, sighing her name, imagining she was there, spooning me. that was real nice about mexico. at first i was being so good about staying on my side of the bed, but then she'd roll over and put her head on my chest, or when we slept in separate beds she came and crawled into bed with me one night and put my arm around her and had me hold her for awhile. evidence she's still into me? yes.

i wish both our dreams would've worked out too. but from the sounds of your stbx, i'm glad it didn't work out. you definitely deserve better! for sure. and yes, it's pretty satisfying, this cyber relationship. especially if i can make out with that queeny boy sometimes too! LOL! no offense sweetie, but the mouse is not that great of a kisser! especially when i get the cord all wrapped in my teeth! bleckth! we'll have to figure something else out...

March 27, 2005
3:22 am
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bonita1
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No, he can't contact me because I changed my phone number that I had had for 9 years!! I didn't want to but I had no choice. He's only written once, so for that I am grateful.

He lives 3,000 miles away from me and that makes it really easy to have no contact, too (it's not 5 min. away!)

Also, I don't have the same obsessive feelings I had for him before. I think the heroin withdrawal phase, metaphorically speaking, is past. You on the other hand are still in full blown withdrawal! LOL It'll pass soon, hon, you'll see.

March 27, 2005
3:24 am
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orangeboy
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3 months and i've still got the shakes! still puking! still crying all the damn time! 3,000 miles away huh? does he know that it's over? hasn't he come to see you?

March 27, 2005
3:26 am
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bonita1
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LOL poor mouse! Queenie boy is better than me? I'm crushed!

March 27, 2005
3:29 am
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orangeboy
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i wish that she was either completely cold to me or completely warm. but she vascillates. although actually it's rare when she's completely cold. what do you think about all the "evidence"? why would she come get in bed with me in the middle of the night to cuddle, or walk around holding hands with me, even after i told her i was getting mixed messages from it, or snuggling up to me, or bringing me presents. when we got to mexico she had brought really nice new swim trunks for me, even though she was complaining about how much stuff she brouhgt. then a few times she brought up, "the next time we come to mexico..." this is why i'm taking space, huh? it's also why i'm not giving up completely. 'cos it seems so obvious that there's still such a huge chance...

March 27, 2005
3:31 am
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orangeboy
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i never said he was better!!! i only meant that he's...warmer. less cordy. but it's just a logistical thing really, nothing we can't work out!

do you live closer to mexico or canada? or is that too much of a cheaty question? maybe i should ask again in 2006?

March 27, 2005
3:36 am
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bonita1
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"but then she'd roll over and put her head on my chest...had me hold her for awhile. evidence she's still into me? yes."

No, hon, if she were still into you you'd be together right this minute. This cuddling and affection she shares with you, not meaning to offend, sounds like she is not well emotionally and mentally 'cuz she can't make up her mind and she says no physical relations but she's into all the physical affection. She might be bi-polar?

My gosh, I'm not surprised that this up-down behavior is making you a basket case!

March 27, 2005
3:40 am
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orangeboy
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she was diagnosed as bi-polar as a teenager, yes. and she definitely swings that way with me too. that's always been my one complaint is that she's so wishywashy! back and forth from one extreme to the other all the time. and she says she wants to get on meds, but she also can't fathom the idea of going to the doctor. she's really in a bad way right now emotionally, and i wish she'd do something to take care of herself. i'm bipolar too, but i'm on meds. and don't ping pong as wildly, but still do.

March 27, 2005
3:46 am
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orangeboy
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and there's nothing i can do to make her take care of herself. we saw what happened with the dentist! damn! i think she had oral surgery yesterday. i was originally going to be the one to take her, and i offered to come bring her ice cream afterwards, but then the whole space thing happened. and i said at the beginning that i'd still take her to the appointment. but she never responded. even walked the other way when she saw me in the hallway the other day. and i know she's doing it to respect my wishes, but it still hurt so bad. and then we were supposed to have a class together this weekend, but she went out of town instead and dropped the class. which i guess is good, but i kept finding myself wishing she was there-of course-feeling guilty that i got to take the class and she didn't. but i know that it was her decision. i didn't "make" her drop the class.

March 27, 2005
3:48 am
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bonita1
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Yeah ask me again in 2006, heh, heh 😉

The weather is really balmy here, I'm looking forward to planting some chiles and tomatos. They grow well in Mediterranean type climate. I've got a couple of palm trees in my backyard and a few orange trees and apricot trees, too. I also want to buy a lemon tree and plant it. I love lemons. LOL ;0

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