Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
sorting out my feelings again, from orange
March 26, 2005
10:31 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i'm so hell bent on figuring her out! sheesh

Honey, do you know what? When you are so hell-bent on figuring her out, you are distracting yourself from the really, really important task of figuring yourself out. Find out why you are hanging on to a woman who is not loving to you? It's probably fulfilling some need you have. Now you need to get hell bent on figuring out what need it is that you have? Once you do, hon, you can find new ways, positive ways to fulfill those needs.

Am I making sense?

March 26, 2005
10:33 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

but don't you think that he really does love you and can't deal with it? not to be a jerk, as i know it's hard enough for you to deal with it, but really, it sounds somewhat similar. except that it was a super big deal for us to date, i was only the 2nd serious boyfriend she'd ever dated, and she was holding back-or trying to-because she didn't want to get hurt the way she had ever again. there is no other party involved, and i know that she meant it when she said that if she could deal with being in a relationship she'd want it to be with me. how long she'll mean it is another story, maybe she already doesn't mean it anymore, but she did mean it. and she is good at saying what she thinks she wants when she thinks she wants it. those things are many and they often directly contradict each other and are confusing, but still, she's always been incredibly honest with me, and i really appreciate that.

do you think you'll be here in about 2 hours? or around 8:30? i'm thinking about heading to the gym and getting some of this hurt and anger and frustration out of my body...

March 26, 2005
10:37 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hon, it doesn't mattter how much she uses words to reassure you that if she could have a relationship it would be with you. Point is, you don't have one.

She's telling you that she can't have a relationship and it's killing you, but she's too selfish to let you go! I'm sorry, hon, I don't want to offend you, but actions speak louder than words. I feel like she's using you. Make it stop, honey! Only you have that power. Set up your boundary and say, "Hasta aqui y ya no mas! Here's the line, I'm not taking it anymore!"

March 26, 2005
10:41 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No, he doesn't love me. His actions were not those of a loving man. I can't afford to think about him still loving me because then I would crack and I'm not doing that anymore, hasta aqui y ya no mas.

Honey, love, you go work out, I have to go out too, do some shopping. Catch you later.

Besos,

Bonita XXXOO

March 26, 2005
10:41 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you are making sense. but i know that what i'm hanging onto are all the millions of times and ways that she's shown me more love than any one other person has. i want those back. no one i've dated has ever treated me as well as she has so much of the time. and no one has ever annoyed me so little, unfortunately. i wish she annoyed me more. she has shown me so much love, so often. i feel like in the past, over the course of our relationship the hard stuff was about 17% of the time including processing everything that we ever processed, from each of our low self esteem stuff to the wishywashyness, and the other 83% was an amazing, enchanting, elaborately passionate magically in-love experience. if it hadn't've been i'd be sooooo over it by now, i'm sure. i know i would be. it's just that i still don't understand what there is that was wrong with us as a couple, and i don't think that there is/was anything really. nothing that is too huge to be worked through, which is why i feel so tortured and confused and devastated and disbelieving. compared to every relationship that either of us had ever been in in the past, it was pretty perfect. and it was perfect in my eyes because i knew that we could work through all the hard stuff. but there's too much outside hurt and bullshit to let that be true right now...

March 26, 2005
10:44 pm
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

whoops, i meant 9:30. so i'll check back in around then. much love to you sweetie pie. :O

naranjito

March 26, 2005
10:45 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Peace, honey, peace! You go work out now, I'll catch you in a couple of hours,

Love, me XXXOO

March 26, 2005
10:48 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

make it closer to 10pm okay?

March 27, 2005
12:42 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

okay i'm back, it's 9:35, but i only got your 10:00 email now. the pinchi gym was closed, and so i got home in time to go to the video store but as soon as i walked in some creepy person was yelling outside and banging on my door and trying to stick a key in the lock, and stuff. i ignored them and they went away, but i waited another good half an hour before i went to get movies. now i'm home and crying. talked to a good friend, the one who set us up. she used to live with him and i've been friends with him forever and he knew about the mutual crush and has been the middle party ever since. he told me that he saw her today, he lives 5 hours away and he saw her there. i felt so bummed out 'cos we've never gone this long without talking, and for me to not know that she went away for the weekend just hurt. i wanted to call her and ask her to come over and watch movies with me when the creep was bangning on the door, but then he said she was gone. i think it hurts worse to not have her around in my life at all than to just be friends and not be dating. it pretty much sucks all around though. i feel like all my dreams are dying right now. like i've always been the proponent of happily-ever-after storybook romances, believing in true love and comforting the cynical, but now i've crossed on over to the other side. for the first time i'm the person saying fuck love, it's a myth. but that's what drew me to her, ironically, was that she was the first other person i met who was talking about true love, and getting married and having babies and all that. i hate hate hate this!!! i can't get myself to give up on it, but i know the longer i hold onto it the more it's gonna hurt. this shit is so deep...

March 27, 2005
12:48 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i'm so sure that it's meant to be, and that i need to be patient, but then i get doubtful, and angry with myself, and then once i get upset i work myself up til i'm nearly hysterical, kinda like i'm doing right now. well, until i just said that. now i've got a grip. i just wish i could stop beating myself up over it. my friend on the phone just accidentally teased me about having heard us have sex, and i lost it. then he said that he thinks she's just scared, and that he doesn't know what to do. the two of them were fairly close friends for awhile, so i dunno...i feel so crazy sometimes. i want to write her mom or her best friend, make sure that i can still be friends with them and fantacize about asking them the reason she gave for breaking up with me, or what they think i should do. her mom adores me, so does her best friend. just like all my friends and family adore her. why can't i just reprogram myself to be healthy? i guess i am, just at a really low speed connection...

March 27, 2005
12:52 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

and i'm being impatient. i know i'm learning a lot about myself and about relationships in this process, but i feel really disorganized and nonlinear in all of it. and then i get worried that i'm going to lose whatever i've learned 'cos i can't keep track of it or monitor it.

i still feel like if she would just come back i would do anything...but if she came back right now, it'd be wonderful for a few weeks i'm sure and then all these issues would resurface, huh? like then maybe i'd start feeling safe enough to deal with not trusting her as much anymore and all of that.

March 27, 2005
1:11 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OB-wan, I think that you gently and immediately switch to a different brain synapse by finding something different to think about that gives you pleasure, by finding ways to support yourself-- reaching out to friends (real & cyber ones:D!), and allowing your friends to help you.

this is reminding me that while i was gone i realized that i haven't done a lot of the things that i've wanted to do in my life 'cos i'm so addicted to love and relationships. there're a lot of things i want to do, and some of them i haven't done 'cos i wanted to wait until i had the right person to share them with, or i haven't allowed myself the time and space to create the things i've wanted to-art, music, skills, etc., because i've been so preoccupied with doing romantic things, or obsessing over a relationship.

when you asked me the other night about what my patterns are in relationships, i immediately knew that in all of my relationships i've been really really excited at first, come on way too strong, freak the person out. i think i've said this before, maybe a few times, but my therapist pointed out that it's common in abuse survivors to be really wary of everyone, but then when there's someone they feel they can trust they latch on with all their might and suffocate the person, which is exactly what i do. except that overall i've been a lot more patient in this relationship, though she said a few times that she didn't think so. we never lived closer than an hour and a half from each other, until now, when she broke up with me (another reason to believe she's just scared), and so i'd come to visit and often stay too long. i was unemployed because of work injuries and not in school as she was and so i'd have aaaaaaalllllllll this free time and get bored, 'cos it was both my hands that were injured so i couldn't even paint or lay down and hold a book up, so i would look desperately forward to hanging out with friends, and especially her on the weekends. then i would stay too long 'cos it was so nice to see her, the first 3 months we were dating i lived 12 hours away. then finally she got fed up and talked to me about it, and i said ok, well i'll not do that anymore. then that same night my car starting making a noise like a helicopter and the check engine light started flashing and i got worried and asked to stay on the couch so she could have her space. she said, geez, i'd be so sad if you stayed here and didn't sleep with me, get in bed silly. so i got my car checked out the next day and went home. then a few weeks later i was visiting and in the afternoon, the day before i went home i got really really sick. turned out 4 days later when i finally went to the hospital to be strep laryngitis or walking pneumonia. just coincidence i guess, but those 2 incidents reflected really poorly on me. especially 'cos i think she waited until she was really upset to mention her being irritated. months later, she felt like it was happening again when she lived 5 hours away, and i was coming up too often. always left right when i said i would, even one time when it meant i slept at a gas station parking lot halfway home. and she got upset and said, how can i feel like i need more space when you live 5 hours away? i'm an extremist i guess. manic depressive to the max. all or nothing. i'll do a hundred situps or i'll do none, but i won't do 5. i usually love things or hate 'em. which is so funny because all of the things that make up me as a person are so in the grey area, nothing about me is cut and dry, except i guess my personality...

March 27, 2005
1:38 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bonita are you here? it's about 10:40 now, so i think i'm gonna go and watch a movie. try and get distracted. :O
orangie.

March 27, 2005
1:59 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Honey,
Sorry I missed you! Just got back and it's 11:10pm

March 27, 2005
2:08 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

oh, well i just turned on a movie and started crying and got back online, are you still here? 🙂

March 27, 2005
2:19 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

evidence that she still loves me? still asking me on dates, wanting to hold my hand and cuddle me, crying when talking about babies, calling me baby and pumpkin and sweetie, and all that stuff, making me/bringing me presents, saying that we can still be a family, the fact that she was telling me that she was terrified of my moving here because she was scared of being too close, then breaking up with me as soon as i moved here. we went on a trip for 10 days, up to visit her entire family, including her grandpa who interviewed me about whether or not i was going to take good care of her and her mom who called me son the whole time, we spent over ten hours in a car together and didn't fight the whole time, even cuddled and held hands while we were driving, had sex in a motel on the way home and then as soon as we got back, bam! it was like a brick wall. she shut down and didn't want to touch or be close, and then broke up with me. i think she's scared and still in love with me. am i totally completely off base?

March 27, 2005
2:34 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What movie are you watching? I'm so glad you are trying to distract yourself.

Also, I'm glad that you're willing to acknowledge that you've put so many of your plans on hold. Hon, don't wait anymore. Pick one thing and just do it!

I'm wanting to learn swing dance and they have inexpensive lessons near where I work. I want to sign up but my therapist is on this thing where I can't do co-ed! Geez Louise! I feel like a man-eater! grrrrowlll, heh heh heh heh

Oh well maybe I'll just buy a video "Learn to swing dance" and learn at home!!!

Goodnite, ob-wan. I'm going to bed.

Happy Easter, once again, and I will catch you on this thread manana!

You rock, naranjita!

Bonita 😀 XXXOO

March 27, 2005
2:35 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sigh. why must i continue to torture myself. i keep arriving at the conclusion that i just need to be patient, work on my shit and be okay with whatever happens, whether we get back together or not. but then i freak and want to be back together now. i want to finish this business and pretend like it never happened. but then that's disregarding the amazing growth potential, huh? i just emailed her mom and her best friend to say hi. i was talking to both of them fairly regularly until we broke up, and then nothing. why does that have to happen? especially when she said, "oh, sweetie, my mom still loves you, don't worry! she adores you!" grrrrr. but it's just like this expected thing right? everybody chooses sides when there's a breakup, and there's no crossing of the lines. oh man. that's what i probably hate most about this is that a lot of times i feel unclear as to when i'm being totally f-ed up and when i'm being healthy. sometimes i know, and others i'm utterly perplexed.

March 27, 2005
2:38 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hon, are you back online?

March 27, 2005
2:39 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

geez, too bad i couldn't don a wig and be your swing dance partner! i've always wanted to swing dance. the video's a good idea. i'm going to take up surfing again and i'm thinking of plans for the summer that will be exciting except that of course i'm taking into consideration how much i will miss her. i'm already anticipating it, viewing this "space" time as time that could've been spent hanging out...but that's not the case. this is important good healthy growth spurt time. as much as i'm feeling the pain of it. i got a bunch of dorky movies. some good, some corny. like tonight i was thinking of watching something about mary! the video store by my house has a 555 deal, 5 movies 5 days for $5, and i live 2 blocks away, so that's my main distraction. i don't feel strong enough to do my favorite things right now, like paint and play music and stuff...

March 27, 2005
2:40 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yep, i'm back.

March 27, 2005
2:41 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

are you still here or off to bed?

March 27, 2005
2:42 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

here

March 27, 2005
2:44 am
Avatar
orangeboy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

tag! you're it!

March 27, 2005
2:46 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You like to play music?

I used to be a music major in another lifetime. I knew how to play a little piano,(a teeny tiny one LOL) a little guitar (a teeny tiny one ;D) and a little mandolin heh heh I won't say teeny tiny anymore. LOL

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
63 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109301

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

kyleji18, sherryson54, albinaDazy, evelynwn60, bujhzifDazy, waitingDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer