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SORRY ALL, JUST HAD TO TELL YOU HOW I'M FEELING
February 12, 2007
1:26 am
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santino
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I can't believe it's really over. I've been reliving things all day. I've been on what you can call a never ending roller coaster ride all day today. 1 minute I'm glad it's over and free of her drama. The next minute I'm dredding the fact that shes with him. 1 minute I'm happy for her, the next I'm telling her how stupid I think she is 4 goin back to him.

I wish she had never came back into my life. I was content knowing she was gone. But she had to call, all the old feelings came back. Then I was just happy to hear from her. Then I hear shes with him, the hate and anger come back. I cut her off, and now I feel like I lost her all over again.

The truth is I know I'll start to get better as the days go by, my fear is she'll call again months later thinking that Its been long enough to call and all the old feelings come back. It's not fair that someone can hold this much power over someone. I would never do this to someone, I wounder if she does it to hurt me? I don't think so. I just hope she never calls back.

Sorry all, I just had to vent my current feelings 🙂

February 12, 2007
6:36 am
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revelation
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Santino...you HAVE to stop thinking about her and start thinking about YOU here.

Remember I told you that we obsess about others because its easier than looking at ourselves? You will not start to get better until you start to think about yourself! C'mon Santino...if you don't believe that there is someone much better out there for you...where you can get everything you didn't get in your relationship with the ex...then your self esteem is low and you have to work on it or you will keep repeating the pattern.

Rev.

February 12, 2007
6:47 am
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CAMER
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((SANTINO))) break ups are hard, yes , sometimes you will feel good, other times sad, that is all normal.

Keep the focus on you, and the wonderful, caring person that you are.

((((sending you huge hugs, cuz you are a great guy!!!!!))))))

February 12, 2007
9:58 am
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taj64
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Are you doing things to help you like getting out there and meeting new people, even if it is just for friends? I know what you mean about thinking about the ex when they are with someone else. It bothers me too when I think about it, and all that happened and he ended up with her. It disgusts me sometimes. I still hold some anger but it does get easier. I hope it does for you too. Try something new to distract you. You're still in the freshness of things since that last contact and it is bound to feel a bit low right about now. It will get better, as long as you stay away from putting yourself in a position for her to contact you. How about doing things so that she cannot contact you? I know you cannot change your work number but you can limit who you speak to, for example if she calls, don't take her call. The sad truth is that even if she calls on good terms or bad terms, either way it will upset you. At first you think you handled it well, at first you think it doesn't bother you but then since you are like me, give it a few days and it all settles in and you start to feel sad and miss the person that is no good for you. You will do fine, just give it more time. I want to see you happy again.

February 12, 2007
11:22 am
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santino
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Thanks all, I swear I get more here then I do in my counseling, thanks 🙂

Yesterday was kind of a strange day for me, the headaches were back, I remember early on in our break up I had these bad headaches, they're back. I broke down, I don't want to feel this way. I came home, locked myself in my room, fell to my knees and begged God for help. I literally begged. I must have been down there for a good 30 minutes. When I got up I felt loads better, I had some dinner and went to bed.

My self esteem is an issue. I often wounder how I got my ex in the first place, she is very beautiful. I just have no confidence in myself. When I say these things all my female friends think I'm crazy,they alsways say "why do you say that, your good looking, you have the best personality from anyone I know, you have so much to offer and give, snap out of it and go out there and meet someone" I dunno, I'm just not the type of guy that can go up to a woman and just start talking, once I know them it's different. I can make one of those British Guards laugh, you know the ones I mean? 🙂
It's just that innitial meat and greet. My friends always tease "You don't pick up on girls, they pick up on you!!" I'm almost afraid to say a girl looks pretty around them, cause it's gotten to the point where they'll go to the girl and tell her just to put me on the spot. 🙂 They mean well and I love them, it's just hard for me.

February 12, 2007
1:36 pm
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santino
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I'm going to counseling in about an hour, I haven't been there in 2 weeks, so I have alot to say, curious whats she going to tell me. 🙂

February 12, 2007
2:00 pm
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shallot
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best of luck!

February 12, 2007
2:23 pm
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santino
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thanks 🙂

February 12, 2007
2:54 pm
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taj64
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We are so alike Santino. I think once you get hurt like that so badly, it is really is quite hard to get past that heartbreak and to go back to whatever is what you felt before you met. I know what you mean about self esteem suffering and then totally breaking down and asking God to help you. It is going to take a lot of time to build that life back up again. You going to have to trust and have faith that it will. You are the kind of guy that would be able to give so much in a relationship yet you cannot right now because until you get past the hurt of all this, you really are not ready for anything. You will get past all this even if it takes much longer than you expected. Change what you can and accept that what you cannot. You know you can no longer have hope with this girl but you know you do have to move on and this is where the change happens. Im sorry this has been so hard on you. Your confidence is shaken and that is to be expected. It will come back though. Give it time.

February 12, 2007
2:56 pm
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doubledilemma
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santino, I can understand completely how you feel. It is the sex. The thought of someone else making love to her, though with "D" I just think of who he is fucking. I don't call it making love, as I have never experienced making love, not like I would imagine it with anyone, including hubby. It is not hubby's fault, either, but I don't want to go into that. The thought of her letting another men get so intimate with her is what gets you; the thought that somehow why has God shone down on her, like it has on Mr UK, when they have all this callous and cold-hearted personalities, but you know it can't be the fuckin truth, because if it was, they would not attract new people to fuck and or love.

Like when Mr UK said to me the bastard.."...I know this is hard for you to take..." yeah. I am so Mr fucking wonderful that it is hard to take the fact that you are so fucking awful in personality that I have no feelings for you (in other words the email of almost exactly two years ago in which I poured out my heart and soul and cried as I was typing it) meant nothing and that I would never mean nothing. Oh, and just in case, I have a girlfriend who I love who will shortly be my new wife..." Yeah, what that means for me is:-

because she spread her legs for me, and she let me take her in any way I wanted or I moved in with her or whatever the fuck (she is SO nice she let me moved in with her I bet) I fell in love with her, she let me fuck her good because she is a nice personality and can take the emotions out of the fucking and lo and behold, I fell in love with her and now I am going to marry her.

So take that in your stupid head-fucked Aussie face.

Nice. Nice how God works in that way.

I dunno hon. I honestly don't know. I don't believe you can be as optimistic as the ladies above, they are special souls the ones who have replied to you up there. Perhaps they don't have as much anger festering out there. Perhaps you know this woman and you can list her imperfections too as well as her positive qualities. Would that help? rather than you thinking of her as beautiful??

Was it you I referred to the Barbara Rose, Ph.D site?

Best wishes with the counselling though..

Oh, and BTW, I think you are referring to the "Beefeaters" or perhaps to those guards with the red uniform and tall black hats, though not sure what they are called myself!!

February 12, 2007
4:31 pm
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santino
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Taj: Thanks for the kind words, counseling was good, I feel really good right now. We talked about the positives this closure brings. Instead of focusing on her I need to focus that energy on people who love really love me "my kids" I love them so much and am gratefull I have them. I'm gonna go back to the gym, Im gonna start eating right. When I'm ready the right one will come. I'm charming, I have a good heart, I have 2 awesome kids, and we are a package deal. So the next gal that comes into my life has to understand that or it's "see ya later" 🙂

Maybe I'll just catch a plane to where was it? Maryland? Sweep little Taj off her feat and bring her out here to the west coast 🙂

February 12, 2007
4:32 pm
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santino
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DD: Thanks for the visuals and the realism 🙂

February 12, 2007
6:09 pm
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doubledilemma
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santino

sorry, methinks I do get myself a bit worked up at times...I have been warned about my "vulgarity" too.

I always remember being such a fan of Laverne and Shirley which I would watch in the evening after school and Shirley would say to Laverne: "Laverne, you've got a mouth like a sewer"...I'm not sure what Laverne's retort back was, I would expect she probably gave her one in the face, but it was Shirley who did the punching, wasn't it?

February 12, 2007
7:02 pm
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taj64
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Wow that is great the therapist was able to cheer you up. Just remember you will have some good days and some bad. It is part of life. I think it is only natural to feel jealous at a time like this. But there will be a day when that fades. And there will be a day when this is part of your history.

I really do wish someone would sweep me off my feet. But so far around here, nada. Im grateful that some tihngs in my life are better though.

Laverne was not quite that bad with the sewer talk though. I don't recall ever hearing any woman talk like that. It might be a bit funny at first but I would not want to live with this either male or female, in passing form only.

February 12, 2007
11:07 pm
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doubledilemma
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taj64 sorry again, if I offended you. I am not vulgar for the sake of being vulgar and I am not in real life, it is just how I express my feelings on here. To use less strong language would be in denial of my feelings in relation to it at the times when I am worst affected by it.

At other times, my reaction is milder, but at times it escalates. Also, I use vulgarity because in know way do I want to fool myself about how the rest of this man's life will pan out. Or indeed, how the life of most men who are sexually confident and interested will pan out. They will find the type of "love" they are looking for. They just need a woman who is so strong and independent with no "issues" of her own, so that they can focus on physical pleasure and fun of that sort. Work, sex, eating, going out, looking good, working out, sex, that type of thing. Life as a little cycle of doing things like that. No introspection or doubt, no that is a turn off for people like him. Thinking, philosophising and any pain or angst never plays a part in their lives, because any pain they had was a long time ago and they have repressed it. Well, that's my theory.

Sorry again for the vulgarity. Perhaps see it as a literary device. I won't keep on apologising because I have done that for most of my life and continue to do so, it seems.

February 13, 2007
3:26 am
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santino
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Taj: yeah my counseling session was a good one. I felt really good today, when ever she came to mind, I would will myself to think about something else. It was tuff but it was definetly a good start. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

February 13, 2007
11:09 am
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santino
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Something wierd has been happening to me these last few days, 2 days ago I had reached what you can call a boiling point. I was fool of anger for what I was going through, I fell down and asked God for help. I felt good. Now, it seems that God is poping up everywhere, I turned on my radio this morning and it was on church talk radio. Thats not even one of my pre sets. I thought that was strange, since the night before it was on a rock station before I turned the car on. Yesterday I walked into a biblical conversation at work between employees, normally I would have made them stop, because it's not suitable conversation for the work place. (not my rule, I just have to enforce it 🙂 ) It just seems like God is poping up at the right times. Feels nice to know that he has my back through all this, I should have asked for help earlier 🙂

February 13, 2007
11:34 am
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revelation
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Awww hun...I'm not really all that religious...and I don't want to start a conversation on religion here as Its not allowed...but you know...in times of sorrow and pain we take comfort from wherever we can...and although I'm not religious, I do believe in god...and I do believe he "has our back" especially during the hard times...so you lean on him Santino, talk to him when you need you....

February 13, 2007
12:23 pm
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santino
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Rev: OOPs!! I didn't know that topic was taboo here, thanks for the heads up 🙂

February 13, 2007
4:42 pm
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taj64
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I do not think it is taboo just not debatable. But I happen to think OK to mention it and not really taboo.

How are you doing?

It is snowing here on the east coast. I am feeling fine today. Doing much better. Feeling like some positive tihngs have been happening. It has been a long time since positive things have happened. I felt like I was in for a lifetime of suffering with same old issue. But it is subsiding. I hope it does for you Santino.

February 14, 2007
12:04 am
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santino
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Thanks Taj, I did ok today, she still pops in from time to time but I'm learnig on how to block it out. It's been working, well sometimes. When she does pop in I try to focus on how lucky I am that she no longer is in my life. That too works sometimes, but you know how it is, good days bad days, today was an ok day. I'm still geting these headaches, I think they're related to her, early on in the break-up I had them and when she went away they went away. Now that I closed the door for good, they're back. Today it hurt so bad it actually made me throw up. I feel alot better now though 🙂

February 14, 2007
6:05 am
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revelation
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No Santino...its not taboo...but its just that I've seen some people here mention the word "god" and get attacked for it...just didn't want the same thing to happen to you!

About the "blocking it out" Loo, you'll drive yourself demented with it..if she pops in to your head just leave her there....take a few deep breathes and think of something else that needs doing...you'll find she just drifts away!

February 14, 2007
8:42 am
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taj64
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Good luck with repressing those thoughts. I have no control over mine. He just pops into my mind automatically. But I think it comes and goes rather quickly now and I don't feel so consumed by it. I have a feeling it will take many more months and probably another year or so before it completely fades. It will. I think back on some of my others "crushes" or people that I got involved with and they all faded so why not this one? This time around the hurt was much more traumatic than all the other ones. And the more it hurts, the longer it takes to get over. You're still young and you definately will get over it. You will. There is plenty of time out there for you to recover and be ready again. I happen to think you are doing just fine.

February 14, 2007
11:10 am
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santino
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Rev: Thanks for the advise! I was looking back at old threads a few days back and I came across my very first thread in late July "Should I hate her" I remember that night like it was yesterday, you were the first person to respond! You have stuck by me all this time 🙂 Thanks!!!

Taj: Yeah I know what you mean about repressing those thought, I too have no control over it. I just try like the devil to pop it out! 🙂 We are similar, all my other ex's, when they're gone they're gone. But this one is just lingering around. I think what it is, in the past, whenever I broke up with someone I always had another girlfriend within weeks or days for that matter. This time I don't. I had to deal with all this pain on my own. She has someone new and I have to deal with this on my own. I'll be the better person in the end 🙂

February 15, 2007
11:06 am
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taj64
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So Happy Belated Valentines Day. Will you be mine? Im sending you those cute little sweet tarts, and it says, You will meet someone very special very soon.

Here's a poem for you too:

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Santino is not sad anymore
because he made it through...

the storm that is!!

Sorry but that is best one I could come up with on short notice.

Taaaa Daaaaa!!!!

So be mine.

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