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sooo anxious and depressed I can see why people hurt themselves
July 24, 2006
10:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Anxiety wont leave me, neither will depression. I dread waking up in the morning b/c thats the time when I feel like coming out of my skin. I sometimes feel like banging my head against the wall, even without a headache; feel like cutting myself, just so Id see some hurt and anxiety coming out. I feel that if I ached so bad in some place of my body, Id forget what else is hurting me inside.

July 24, 2006
10:32 pm
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Honolulugal
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Sininho,

Hi there,

We haven't met, but I'm right there with ya, dearie.

In the early days of my ex f!cking with my head, I would almost completely shut down. Didn't show it to others, making it that much worse for me.

What's up with you right now? Tell us.

July 24, 2006
10:36 pm
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penny lane
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(((sininho))) What causes such pain with you? Why are you aching inside? Please tell your story so we can listen and perhaps help.

July 24, 2006
10:48 pm
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Anonymous
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Well, I really dont know what I stand for. Even after 8 years of searching my soul and trying to survive divorce. Fourteen years in a marriage where I let my ´better half´ make all the decisions left me wondering
what do I want?
what do I need?
what do I have to give?

On May 13th I attempted suicide but two worried neighbors - aware of my obssession with the medicine box - got me to the hospital after an overdose of lithium, etc.

After 6 wks at the hospital, shrinks say its the Atlas syndrome ´cause I have a bad neck pain with migraines sometimes. You know Atlas the God who carries the world on his houlders. Funny thing is... Im a total failure, have no work yet. And my family (sieblings) are putting quite some pressure on me. It seems the more codep and pleasing toward my family I am, the more I drive them away. Yet knowing this doesnt make it sink into my acting it. Im scared of everything that has to do with performance, committment, doing...

July 24, 2006
10:55 pm
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penny lane
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What do you think keeps you from moving forward with your life? what is behind the fear?

July 24, 2006
11:16 pm
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Anonymous
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Fear of not meeting mine and other people´s standards maybe.

July 24, 2006
11:38 pm
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Anonymous
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Just having a hard time, living alone at these times is the pits! Tks, guys! Hope we all have a good night! And a better day tomorrow!

July 25, 2006
10:04 am
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Anonymous
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Im just going nuts... Just back to fetal position in bed feeling panicky. Have been thinking about dying.

I just needed some help for these next months. Can anyone really go from suicide attempt to being gang ho about life and work in less than three months? Just getting pressure?

July 25, 2006
11:18 am
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realitygirl
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I know how you feel. I am depressed also, hate waking up in the morning. I too am unemployed, for 16 months now, and I have both skills and education. I am going back to college fulltime to finish my second degree so I can get a job and regain my self worth.Being unemployed destroys your self esteem and constant turndowns make you afraid to try for a job anymore, I speak from experience.

You have to keep trying, as we try, hopefully a new opportunity or relationship improvement will happen for both of us.

Please don't commit suicide, I have tried it also, and it causes more problems in the long run.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing, we care 🙂

July 25, 2006
3:47 pm
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lovinglife
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Sini my friend... here I’ve been whining on the trip out West lost in my own world and didn't see how sad you are. LL is sorry 🙁 Was wondering why you didn't want to came to the street dance with me and WHY I couldn’t’ wake you up when I got back?! So THAT was YOU snoring- in a deep, deep sleep!

It sucks- depression sucks- anxiety sucks- sometimes life just plain SUCKS. And it sucks even more when people don't understand.

Last year I went through a major depression- from start to finish it lasted about 6 months-couldn't get myself out of bed in the morning, and even if I did it was solely to eat some more, to mope some more. I quit going places basically just shut myself in the house, in my room with the remote control. Bad, bad, bad time in my life I don't EVER WISH to see again.

The start of my ‘going down’ was the feeling of being hopeless- out of hope. A few years before this time I made a foolish choice to let my ex-h (abuser) back into my life as well as I had just lost a friend earlier in the year to suicide. Whatever the cause was, it set me off into a deep, deep depression-yuck. Depression and anxiety can be environmental related (in my case) or it can be an actual chemical imbalance (my case too!) but either way it can be overcome and yes, you can find joy, you can find laughter, you can have the desire to be gung ho about life or at least have the desire to want to live, to want to smile, to want to laugh.

That road has to start somewhere.. and that somewhere is within you. Just want to say that I pulled MYSELF out of it because I hated what the depression was making me become, as well as what I looked like (!), I hated feeling so down and I still had dreams, goals, things in life I wanted to attain- to experience and knew that the longer I sat paralyzed the closer I became to giving up. I slowly, slowly fought my way out it…almost like at first I had to fight for the will to live, to fight for the will to still dream, and then fight for the will to move my dead ass.

I can talk lightheartedly about it today but 6 mos ago I was lucky to even crack a smile. I've been there, think many of us have, and today where I'm at is trying to make better choices, trying to figure out WHY I have made the choices I have because I don't ever want to see those dark days again in my life.

Oh, one last thing, though its sounds kind a silly and when I tell people this they look at my like, 'HUH?' But there are certain things that I have to do EVERYDAY to keep myself feeling good and to not let the dark thoughts to start back in...would you believe that one of those things is as simple as a...taking a shower! Sounds stupid I know but its something I have to do everyday- told my doctor that my daily shower is my prozac!! (Bubblebaths make me depressed- did alot of those during the 6 mos of darkness). So I guess my point of sharing with ya ALL my thing about taking a shower is to find those things that make YOU feel good, make YOU feel like there is life within you- because there is Sini- its just the matter of finding it.

July 25, 2006
7:33 pm
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Anonymous
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Tks (reality girsl) and (LL).

So I havent been the only one on the suicide/depression road - Im glad for anyone who survives to tell me the story. As silly as it seems after the fact, it seems such a viable solution then. And honestly I still sometimes regret Im here.

Dreams are good, I guess I cant deny Ive had some b/c being depressed is so much about unfulfilled dreams. I suppose one cannot miss/feel bad about something they havent dreamed of except for security, food, shelter, you know, Maslows pyramid of needs.

LL, Im going to jump on that wagon to check what you guys are doing! Youve kept me on a keel so to say! So youve been there?! A shower, huh, Ill think about that.

I guess having the landlady get the shower box fixed is good timing. Got her also to put bricks on the small window facing her son´s backyard so he can argue with his girlfriend, take care of his pitt bull breeding business and turn up his car boom box. And her husband managed to close the kitchen window, just gotta come back to fix the handle!

Small things, but if I dont have them, it feels like living in the dumpsters. These repairs are making me feel better.

Maybe I tried suicide to get here, you know? The landlady would never have fixed things. What am I saying? Well, I can have a warm breakfast, a shower without a flood and privacy in my bedroom. I dreamed of so much more. I had so much more at home, then while married...

I even wrote xh b/c hes so nice with words and thoughts. It doesnt hurt that he wrote me as a good friend, made me compliments and wished me all the best and signed with love, does it? As much as I consider him a control freak and left him, hes got his act together for his whole life. (Except for asking for divorce 😉

I feel guilty for being where I am. Thats the truth and the reality is the pressure from the inside eats me away. My standards are high and its taken me all this suffering for being more down to earth.

My lady resident psychiatrist touched on the pressure from the inside today. Its so obvious I want to think theres something else but that seems to be it.

I hope it doesnt take me as long to get work. Getting a job is worse, isnt it? I have to be able to get some ESL students even if I dont get any translations.

Well, for now, let me get on that wagon of Jen´s

Tks my friends!

July 25, 2006
8:39 pm
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Anonymous
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So now that I know that xh cares about me and so do a couple of other people he mentioned, that he thinks Im intelligent, have many options in life... I should be done thinking about it, right? And Im not. I guess thats the control part of me wishing marriage had turned out different. Why can he be such a good emailer and such a bad partner?

So depressed, idealistic, controlling... can you advance anything I shouldnt be wasting my time with?

Or maybe should I just drown in all this crap for once and see if self pity gets me out of it?

July 25, 2006
10:03 pm
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Anonymous
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sinin, dear-

Life rarely turns out as planned...for those of us who try to control the outcome and cannot, it usually means disappointment. For those few who KNOW they cannot control the outcome, it may mean a pleasant surprise. Let's try to put our energy into not puttin so much energy into stuff. I am not saying stay in bed all day. I am saying stop pushing for a moment. Stop wishing and craving for a dream that won't come true. It can be hard work not to work so hard for some outcome. It is almost paradoxical. (((((SININHO)))))

P&L

July 25, 2006
10:24 pm
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Anonymous
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tks (((P&L))) It does seem paradoxical but experience has shown me we dont have a total say on how life turns out for us. No matter how hard we wish.

July 25, 2006
10:27 pm
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Anonymous
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Sinin-

I think this is an interesting thought. "The paradox of working hard to let go." What a concept. I think I am going to start keeping a journal of these ideas. I have had so many lately.

July 25, 2006
10:37 pm
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Anonymous
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I guess I should measure my progress by how much I refrained from doing something negative or counter prodouctive. Like kicking the treatment at the hospital because the psychiatrist is a young resident.

July 25, 2006
11:32 pm
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lovinglife
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I'd say it was good timing Sini about having that landlady get the shower box fixed!

And yes those small things we can do to get us out of feeling like we live in the dumps does in fact make us feel better. Even the simplest of things like getting the kitchen window to shut or fixing a handle does small mircles for the depressed mind.

And for me that 'shower deal' I've got going on now- who would have known?? Not me thats for sure. But when I started to 'wake up' I tried to remember what it felt like to feel good and for some reason a shower was at the top of the list. (And not saying that I didn't shower for 6ms either!)

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