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Son in Jail
October 16, 2006
5:16 pm
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ne mom
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Does anyone here have a son or daughter in Jail? My 30 year old son is in jail in Nebraska. He says he is innocent of the crime he was charged with. Ok, before he was arrested he was always after me for money, money, money. I have given him thousands of dollars over the years for various "important' things. Has never paid me back anything. He even has gotten money out of his Grandmother! We just can't seem to say no and stick to it. He could charm the skin off a snake. YUK! Anyway, now he's in jail and guess what? He still needs money. For phone cards, food, etc. I do believe he has to purchase some of his things, but I can't believe he needs soo much. And when I tell him I can't send any, he gets angry and then starts telling me that he can't take being in anymore and that he's losing his mind. You get the picture? He's manipulating me even from in jail. And I still feel like I have to give in. I have no will power. Is there anyone out there that has a similar problem? Please help me.
Roberta

October 16, 2006
5:35 pm
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nappy
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I don't have a son in jail but my cousins was in jail and still is. My aunt was just like you with her son but I guess over the years of him doing the same things. She would not send him anything. She told me that he is the one that got himself in there and he just have to deal with it. At least she knows where he is at this time. At first she use to send him TV's and a box of goods. Now he is lucky that he get to call one time a month because that is all he is allowed. When he would get out, she would ask him where were the stuff that she first was given him and he couldn't never come up with an answers. He was given it to someone else in jail.
Don't try and kill yourself trying to give him what he want in there. You didn't put him in there. Why should he get angry at you, when you are the only person that he really have to call on. Don't let your son suck you dry. My aunt didn't and she still love her son.

October 16, 2006
6:38 pm
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luvnlife
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ne mom, still there?

October 16, 2006
6:40 pm
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Travlin_lite
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Hi,
I am new here but not new to the experience of having a son in jail. It is very very hard. But you know that is when I had to leave things up to my Higher Power. My son straightened his life out and has now regained his reputation, has a good family life, and peace of mind. No longer has to live like he once he did, he was 31 was in jail for one year. It was probably the one of the hardest experiences in my life. We all got through it and there were many lessons learned and I think we are healthier. Hang in there and I will send a prayer your way for both of you!!

October 17, 2006
4:12 pm
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ne mom
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luvnlife, I only come one here once or twice a day, so leave me a message. I'd love to hear from you.
Roberta

October 17, 2006
4:14 pm
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ne mom
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Travlin_lite,
Please tell me how you did it. How did you handle the collect calls, the need for more money, the begging and blaming. Please help me.
Roberta

October 17, 2006
5:36 pm
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StronginHim77
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ne mom -

My best friend has a son in prison up in Michigan. She and her husband do not have much money, so they are only able to help their son buy grooming essentials (like toothpaste, etc.) and occasional tobacco & rolling papers, so he can smoke. At most, your son might need about $20/week. Certainly, no more than that. If it exceeds that amount, he is doing something else with the money.

Don't give it to him.

I have served as a prison chaplain for two years. Alot of inmates use extra money to buy bootleg Rx's and illegal drugs from crooked guards, etc. There is a "pipeline" in most prisons, despite efforts to control it. If you have enough money, you can get just about anything.

Again, refuse the "collect" calls and give him some "tough love." Do NOT yield to his greedy and thankless demands for money. You are only feeding into his evil behavior. He is using you.

- Strong

October 17, 2006
5:39 pm
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StronginHim77
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By the way, it would do you alot of good to get some counseling for yourself. If you are unable to draw boundaries with this grown son, it is probably because you failed to draw boundaries with him, as a child. Instead of being the authority in your home, you seem to have handed over that authority and power to him. Manipulation only works when we ALLOW it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that your son lies, manipulates, cons and is quite guilty of the crimes for which he is now in prison. The pattern is clear. This guy has little conscience and uses people for his own, selfish gains. It has, obviously, caught up with him. That is a GOOD thing. Better late, than never.

Do not coddle him. Prison is supposed to be rough, so that no one wants to RETURN, after they serve their sentence. It is NOT supposed to be a country club. And do not let the man blame YOU for his current situation. You didn't commit the crime. He did. Now he has consequences. Step back and let him take them.

- Strong

October 18, 2006
1:22 am
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smarterone
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My son was in jail many times and between the collect calls and the money each week it sucked. Oh he needed snacks , soups coffee, underwear deoderant. Things i couldnt buy cuz i was buying for him and then those visits. Im running around, he's playing cars, making bets. They also sell their food that we buy for other favors. So, try to be strong.

October 18, 2006
8:43 am
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mamac
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I am sorry for hearing your pain. it is somtimes so hard to show tough love, to a child, even if the child is an adult. My best advice i can give to you, is to not accept his phone calls for a while. Write him a letter and tell him exactly how you are feeling, he wont be able to not listen to a letter. Make it very clear he got himself into this mess now he must get himself out of it. He is an adult and maybe it will be good for him to learn how to take care of this himself. The more you help him out of situations the more he will be able to manipulate you. Remember you have done nothing wrong, it is his fault he is in jail. And one more thing, the jail will not let him starve or go without the things he needs to live. A phone card is a luxery. It sounds like he needs some time for deep reflection, and time to work on himself. Tough love to save him not to hurt him, no matter how hard they kick and scream about it. He needs this, it could change both of your lives. I am not just preaching here, I myself was givin a dose of tough love. At the time I hated my parents because I felt abandoned, in time I repected them for not puttting up with my manipulations, because I was forced to live life on my own. Now my parents and I have never been closer. Whenever he starts to cry about his situation, say I love you, take care and hang up the phone.I f the next time he does the same thing hang up again. And one more thing he wants a phone card to call whom? The same people he was hanging out with that are doing bad things also? Sorry that was just an afterthought..Take care ....

October 19, 2006
12:45 pm
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justhinking
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My husband is in jail for a crime he did commit and I try to excuse it anyway possible but I do thank God for this happenning to my family. He calls me collect and I can't refuse, He constantly needs money and I can't refuse but I send a min.
I have a 5 year old daughter and a 9 year old son wondering what the heck is going on and why this happened to daddy?
Trust your instincts, there usally right. And believe that good comes out of every evil.
As a mother of two and a husband in jail and trying to pick up all the bills of the house on my own right now,and feeling very confused about so much, I do not put more than $20 to $30 in the account and I tell him not to call collect even though I want to speak to him and make sure he is okay in there. And I agree with mamac 100% send letters.

October 20, 2006
1:42 pm
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Travlin_lite
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Roberta,
Just came in this morning so wanted to check on you. Every day was a great challenge and I am a believer of journaling so I could get all my feelings out.Alot of boxes of kleenex were handed too, river of tears. I was furious at him at first esp. because there also was a child involved and this was the third go around and it would be a felony. I decided where I was financially and I wasn't in a position to pay out as previously to lawyer etc., so I had to let go..and he did find a lawyer and had that help. The phone calls I would limit to once a month. Meanwhile I wrote every day even if it was a Post Card just to let him know that I loved him but not his actions. I was going to go and see him and he said "no" he didn't want me to see him in the place. One of the best choices he made was to get his attorney to put him in isolation than in the main prison. This gave him alot of introspective and some real hard time but it could have been so much worse. I think my hardest moments were when I knew he was first put in and had up to seven inmates of walks of life. In there were things I didn't even want to think about and one night I had a feeling he was hurt and he was.. Of course the Mom to the rescue wanted to fix things but I realized he was grown maybe not emotionally but some things I had to let go. I think in letting go he had to face his life choices and decide what he wanted to do with his life not what society or other's wanted but what he wanted. For me my journaling, talking to maybe one trusted friend, and my faith. During this time he lost a niece and I lost a Granddaughter it was very hard for both of us. It has brought me joy to see him today making a difference in other's lives as well as his own. Hoped that helped..For me taking one day at a time and believeing that something positive will come out of this and soooo much did..

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