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Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.......
October 5, 2009
9:06 am
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truthBtold
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Not too long ago, someone said to me on another forum simply, that sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and move on.

Of course, at the time, I completely agreed, at least intellectually. (However, emotionally though, I wouldn't touch that statement with a ten-foot pole!)

So, I have been kind of thinking about this.

About cutting the losses. What would it take for me to do this? HOW do I do this?

I realized that I had to face some hard truths to do this. Namely admitting failure and accepting defeat.

Failure and defeat in the sense that I will never know all the answers of why someone did what they did to me. Failure and defeat that no matter how long or hard I try to 'figure it out' - that I never will.

It's not about forgiveness. It's not about thinking positive. It's not about condoning behavior. It's just about saying, OK - I have had enough of this, I'm cutting my losses.

There is never ANY perfect time to do this, really, I am figuring out. (I think in the back of my mind I thought....well if only this or that would happen....THEN I could cut my losses and move on...)

But I realized that this never really happens. There just is no perfect time, really.

You know, I have been watching tons of football here lately. I was especially struck how, in the last few seconds in the 4th quarter - the other team that was behind all of a sudden scores and wins the game.

The camera spans on the crowd whose team just lost and it is very quiet and somber and I think to myself, you don't usually get to be privy to such an honest emotion.

But life has its losses.

I just lost one of my bestfriends recently who died of cancer.

I have a book entitled: Necessary Losses by Judith Voirst which I can only read in bits and pieces over time.

In watching the movie Forrest Gump over the week-end, there is a time in which the character Forrest just runs and runs for 3 years and then, one day, he just decides to stop and says something like, (para-phrasing) OK, I'm done now and turns around to head back home.

I feel as if I am beginning to have a new lease on life in many ways. To just decide, OK - enough. Time to just cut my loses and move on.

Anyway, I just thought that I would share and would love to hear anyone else's comments/story if they have ever experienced something similar to this as well?

Wishing everyone well.

tBt

October 5, 2009
9:21 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Thanks for sharing. I am sure I have something to say but am not sure what.

Bitsy

October 5, 2009
9:21 am
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Thanks for sharing. I am sure I have something to say but am not sure what.

Bitsy

October 5, 2009
10:38 am
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soofoo
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TBT,
Thank you so much for sharing this.

I personally have a very stubborn heart. It generally gets what it wants, and it does not give a hoot about what's reasonable. I have definitely been in situations where the sensible thing to do was to cut my losses. I have even tried to follow that sensible course. Does my heart listen? No! It simply aches and aches and keeps me non-functional until I give in to its demands.

Thankfully it only has control over my relationships and not my bank account or I'd have blown my life savings on lottery tickets by now.

I have actually come out on top, following my heart, even though I have been through the depths of hell to get there. I am not going to tell you to do this, there is no "right" way to proceed. I am just telling you that despite the predictions of a hundred experts on a hundred different subjects, anything can and does happen, especially when it comes to love.

October 5, 2009
11:02 am
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GG_2
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whoopsie....new and posted my name....well shoot, shoot shoot!

October 5, 2009
1:32 pm
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caraway
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Truth,

You said:
"There is never ANY perfect time to do this, really, I am figuring out. (I think in the back of my mind I thought....well if only this or that would happen....THEN I could cut my losses and move on...)"

You have your answer right here. There is never a good time to set into motion something that may cause hurt. You will find that letting go can be a freeing experience and new beginnings for the both of you. Know one wants to feel like, or be viewed as a failure, but if you know you've done all you can, they break it off, and agree not to talk for a period of time.

"Leap and a net will appear"

Cary

October 5, 2009
1:45 pm
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GG_2
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This what I posted earlier....

I'm new here....and this is the statement I'm living with right now, and that all my friends and family are telling me to do. After being seperated for 3 yrs with my STBX, and many failed attempts at reconciliation, I am literally facing this as my only decision to make!!! For me an my sanity, and to show a better example to my daughter who don't need to think this is the way relationships are suppose to be!!! So, thanks for sharing!!! I'm a member of the cut my losses club now too! (((hugs ~ GG)))

p.s. Cary, I like that!!! LEAP and a net will APPEAR...I'm leaping! 🙂

October 5, 2009
11:36 pm
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freedom_calling
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Truth,

Sorry for the loss of your friend. True friendship is a treasure.

I struggled with this issue too over the past 2 years.

Then I re-framed the idea. I thought of it as a mistake. I kept thinking I put more time into the relationship than I should have. I should not have waited for so long. Blah,blah,blah. Basically I was hurting myself with all this negative thinking and staying in limbo!

Magical thinking also kept me HOPING that he would change. Even when I changed, he did not.

I had to "cut my losses' but that very phrase made me VERY ANGRY, because I thought that he wins! I can't give up now!

In the last couple of months I faced the fact that I made a mistake. I took responsibility. Everything shifted and now I can grieve the loss.

Maybe this is just semantics but when I accepted I made a mistake and forgave MYSELF with compassion, I was released from the agony of thinking I HAVE TO CUT MY LOSSES.

I made friends with myself.

Does that make any sense?

October 6, 2009
7:49 am
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truthBtold
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Ahhh, such kind and heartfelt responses from everyone. Thank you so much for this.

I guess I should have clarified the specific loss I was speaking of when I wrote:

"Failure and defeat in the sense that I will never know all the answers of why someone did what they did to me. Failure and defeat that no matter how long or hard I try to 'figure it out' - that I never will....the 'why someone did what they did to me' was not speaking about my relationship with my finace but concerning my parents and my childhood.

I don't know why they did what they did and I never will. For me, there is great relief in finally coming to this painful, humble conclusion.

It seems to be freeing up alot of space and energy inside my soul and I never realized the extenet in which it was controlling my life for so many decades until now by comparison.

I have had to do some pretty hard things in my life as I am sure many of us here have as well. This has to rank right up there near the top.

I would have never thought in a hundred years that a profound sense of humility would be the gateway to freedom, but ironically, it is appearing as if it is the case.

Who, what, where, when and how is one thing. Giving up the need to try and figure out the WHY is quite another, you know?

I'll never really know why and I guess I have made some kind of peace with that.

((((Everyone Here))))

tBt

October 6, 2009
9:16 am
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caraway
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GG_2,

Sorry that you are struggling as well. Wouldn't it be something if we could somehow see attempted relationships as successful and honor the good that came from them?

It seems in years past folks got married and stayed married (my gradparents for 58 years until death did they part). I don't really know if they were happy, or if they just lived what their religion told them to do. My grandparents really believed so much in Heavan that they didn't live life to the fullest on this earth for waiting for Heaven.

I think more folks today are willing to admit that as humans we make mistakes and poor choices and want to get as much happiness out of life as possible. (I actually believe that I was put her and given the ability to feel joy to actually use it.) I think to try and force or guilt someone into staying with you would be a wrong action.

Maybe we should live our lives to the fullest, try our best every day to be happy, to make those we love happy, and just be good and honorable human beings?

Cary

October 6, 2009
9:20 am
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tBt, I have come back and read this thread several times over the last few days. It has really bothered me which I suppose is a good thing. I have not given up when I should have. I look back on the relationship with R and think of all the times I should have walked away that I didn't because I was afraid. I think I would respect myself a whole lot more if I had taken a hike much earlier than I did. I put up with so much that I will never put up with again.

With my parents I did a lot of research and talking to people who knew my mother. She was a spoiled brat child raised by an unloving mother and an overly indulgent father. My grandparents were never rich, but my grandfather gave in to her and gave her everything she wanted until she disappointed him by having an illegitimate child. My cold hearted grandmother stepped in at that point and continued to beat my mother over the head with the child for the rest of her life. My mother was a product of her raising. I have tried so hard to break the cycle with my own daughter. Sometimes I don't get her things when I know if I rearranged finances just a little I could swing it. I want her to wait and to appreciate what she has. I tell her all the time how much I love her. She talks to me about her friends. Just this morning she told me that two friends who had been fighting were friends again but they had to hide it because the mothers were still mad at each other. I asked her "arent' you glad I stayed out of it".

I have cut my losses where my parents are concerned. They are both dead and obsessing about them now will not change anything. I sometimes continue to beat myself up over some of the stuff I have done, but maybe I need to read this thread on a daily basis until I can cut my losses for the actions I have chosen.

Bitsy

October 6, 2009
12:35 pm
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GG_2
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Cary...thanks, for the response. Yes it would be great if we could just celebrate the relationship and the happiness that did come from it. I have two children that I look at every day to prove that! It will take me much longer to look back and think about that with him though. And yes, trying to be happy every day and living my life as a righteous person. I too have made mistakes in the relationship, but I only accept 50% of the blame.

To all, yes cutting your losses, and coming to peace with never knowing WHY something happened will also be one of the hardest things I have to do so far in my 39yrs of life!!! Without a doubt....

I am struggling and taking thing day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. I really need to post my story and say hi as a new comer! It will be interesting to say the least to hear the response I get to it. It will be hard to type out, but I will do it soon.

Again tbt & Bitsy....I'm here with y'all...I hope we can support each other through. I know I'm new, but not new to the understand of codependency. Glad to chat with y'all on here...

(((hugs to all ~ GG)

October 6, 2009
1:44 pm
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Lanigirl
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Truth, Bitsy and all,

It's so hard for me to turn the focus toward myself and not think about the whys of other people. Sometimes, I have been able to see that it just isn't something that I need to worry about. Just having that thought a couple of times was big.

Cutting losses is something I want to be able to achieve one day in a healthy manner - without beating up on myself or the other person, without fear, and deciding that whatever it is I'm cutting away is no longer working for me.

October 6, 2009
3:08 pm
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MsGuided
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Cut the losses and bury them deep.

That's where i am aiming now.

I keep tripping up, into mulling over the past, "Oh woe is me, I wouldn't be here if i thought i deserved a better life, better family, better friends, and a better income" But what was beyond my power and understanding THEN isn't now.

Lifes present struggles don't make it easier ( things really beyond my direct control) but dealing with NOW and the future is the best thing.
I just may crawl out of this in better shape than ever.

It ain't going to happen if i remain idly mired, thinking of the shitty past. ( a few disasters happened recently, so it's hard to be "up" with all that, but I am getting through a bit at a time)

Yes! I also have a great son, an understanding loving partner, IL's that are supportive and "normal", a property surrounded by nature, lots of open doors if i keep going up to them and opening.

October 6, 2009
3:43 pm
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haythere
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I wonder if its not so much "cutting your losses" as "letting it go"?

October 11, 2009
12:27 pm
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Serendy
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..It is so hard letting go. I was so strong and decisive about leaving my partner who kept doing the passive aggresive thing and both of us not meeting each others needs. But now I've done it. I feel so lonely and all I can remember is the good times and I'm beating myself up about I wasn't a good enough partner and that's why it didn't work out. I've sent him in the night a message to tell him of all the "mistakes" I made in our relationship and if he wants to try again I am willing..Someone please give me some advice. I am hurting worse than I did when I was in the relationship (although I wasn't in it or neither was he for months) That's what I thought I was going to beable to do . Cut my losses,but I'm finding it so painful...

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