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Sometimes it seems.....
July 11, 2007
12:29 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Sometimes it seems that no matter how hard we try….it just doesn’t matter. I feel like I had come so far…to feel like it just isn’t worth the pain of trying to move forward. I feel like I try, and I try and I try and for what? To wind up back where I started. I hate this feeling. I hate it. I just want to be happy. That is all I really want. I don’t think that it is the pain of moving forward that is so hard, as much as I think that it is the pain of it never making a difference. I chose to go through all of this pain, and for what?? Only to feel it again. I take a risk with loving, and I wind up hurt. I hurt other people. I don’t want to trust, and don’t feel like I should be trusted. I want to curl up in a little ball and just hide…would it matter? Probably not!! I know that I matter to certain people in my life. I know that I am loved. I do…and I know that I am able to love. The nightmares are still there, the pain is still there…the memories are still there. It doesn’t fade. I don’t feel believed, I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel understood. I want to talk, yet, I cannot. I want to go back to the ways of old. I had ways to escape. I wish that I could feel numb. I don’t want to feel at all. Feelings to me = pain, a lot of the time. I just want it all to go away…I want to feel free. I want my world to stop spinning.

July 11, 2007
8:03 am
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CAMER
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((hugs to you Scared, for venting)))..but you have come far!! and changes happen, and life has different paths, and yes, I think we all go thru pain, the pain of "not knowing" what 2morrow may bring.

I think as long as you make positive changes for yourself, you are on a road to good things...and yes, there may be pitfalls, and I bet there are good times too.

Focus on the good things, start building yourself up and think of all the good things you have done, and keep doing all the right things for you.....in the end, you know you tried...and never give up on yourself.

(((camer)))

July 11, 2007
9:40 am
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Anonymous
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((((Mich)))) Just wanted to give you a big ole hug and say this...

It may SEEM that way, but it does matter... YOU do matter!

Chew on that a while, my friend. You ARE worthy, even when you don't FEEL like it!

Love to you,

Plz~

July 11, 2007
12:56 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Camer, and plz....I know that I will be ok...it is just a tough time right now. I will get there...just not really liking where I am at this point in my life.

(((CAMER & plz)))

July 11, 2007
1:16 pm
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turnabout
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Oh dear lady. I hate to see you hurting. I hate to see you discouraged. But I know that inside there is still that glimmer of hope that you are moving towards something. Hold onto your belief in the unseen. Just because you can't see happiness awaiting you, just b/c you can't see your progress toward it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It's there, hidden for only a season. You've known a long season of pain, so long that you're tempted to believe it may be all there is.

The temptation to believe that pain is all there is, is what makes you want to escape. If pain is all there is, then there would be no other option than escape.

And you know why you can't return to that now? why escape doesn't work for you now? Because you know better. You can't feel it right now, but you KNOW it.

Confronting the truth is sooo scary, but once you've taken that mighty first step, escape will seem so unsatisfying. So shallow. Because that first step was your first real taste of freedom.

Growing pains, Mich. They're a booger. But they do mean that you're growing, and that's the good news. And one day you get grown and look back on them as blessings in your life.

But cry on our shoulders anytime they get to you and you feel overwhelmed. We don't mind.

turn

July 11, 2007
1:23 pm
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StronginHim77
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Mich -

You have just endured MAJOR surgery. You have been working faithfully with Jim's support on your emotional recovery. You have made tremendous progress and become one of the most compassionate and sensitive posters on these threads!

Sometimes, we feel overwhelmed by our circumstances and this blinds us to the incredible progress we have made. So, try and take our word for it. You've come a LONG way. You are not the person you were, just a few months ago. You have grown and it shows.

This stretch of physical inactivity and surgical trauma has been understandably hard on you. Heck...it would be hard for any of us. Your spirit is restless and champing at the bit. That's OK. You'll heal. Life WILL get busier, better and happier.

HUGS.

- Ma Strong

July 11, 2007
3:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ma and turnabout..

BOTH of your posts brought tears to my eyes. Thanks so much for your comfort and words of encouragement at this time for me. I don't know if this is hormones or what my problem is, but it is a tough time for me. It just seems that giving up is the easy option...I don't have the strength to fight anymore right now. BUT...I am sure that I will. I just need to muster up some energy and pull forward. I just wish that I could make it all go away in the meantime. Please keep me in your thoughts at this time. I haven't been this low in a while...and it has me a little scared to be honest....I want to fight. I do. Please...think of me, and say a prayer or whatever you can to help me out here....

Thanks again to both of you...

(((Ma and turnabout)))

July 11, 2007
4:14 pm
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turnabout
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"I just need to muster up some energy and pull forward."

or maybe all you need is to be satisfied with being weak for a time. None of us wants to feel frail, but it's better to accept that there will be times when we'll feel weak and frail than to think we should be strong all the time. In fact, we're stronger when we accept our times of frailty and the help we need during those times than if we were to try maintaining that same appearance of strength we have at less frail times.

Maybe instead of pulling yourself through it, you just accept that there are times of frailty, and it's okay if you're there now. Life guarantees us one thing... that everything that is, will change.

((((((((Mich)))))))

July 11, 2007
4:40 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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turnabout....

Is it ok to just stay where I am for a little while? I don't even want to try at this time to move forward. Back in I believe that it was October, I started "cutting". Now, that got as far out of control as you could imagine. But, it has not happened AT ALL for at least probably six weeks. For me, that is a HUGE accomplishment...but I fear where I am. I don't want to start that again. I just don't. I don't really feel suicidal, another HUGE accomplishment for me...that is an easy thought for me to have. Usually it has already come and stayed and held on tight at this point in a low time for me. What scares me at this point is the desperate need I have for the feeling of this pain to stop. I can't take it. That is when the cutting started to really take affect...it happened a little at first, and became a HUGE issue. HUGE. But, I feel guilty for where I am, like I shouldn't be here. I need to suck it up and move on.....is it ok, just to "wallow" in where I am for a little bit?? I guess that is the part that I don't really get right now. I don't know. I just feel sick, and I feel scared and trapped....those are NEVER good feelings for me to have. NEVER.

Any opinions?

(((turnabout)))

July 11, 2007
5:17 pm
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turnabout
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Welllllll,... from what I understand about cutting, it is a way for a person feeling helpless to exert a sense of control over their existence. And from what I know of suicidal wishes, they are exacerbated by an inability to see outside of a small frame of reference and accept what I mentioned earlier... that everything changes.

Wallowing is something everyone has to be very careful with, because all too commonly a person can get stuck there, especially for anyone predisposed to self-destructive behaviors like you mentioned. Problem is that we fixate on what is holding us down to the point we STOP looking for options.

We stop being open. And when we stop being open is when we start closing in on ourselves, like we're imploding. That's what cutting and suicidal thoughts are. We implode on ourselves.

But here's what I know and is the real point here.... When we're hurting, we need someone to be gentle with our wounds. We need someone to see that we're bleeding and acknowledge it instead of saying it's not so bad. That's probably what a lot of cutting is about. MAKING the pain visible so it HAS to be seen and HAS to be acknowledged in some way.

So, I'm saying that YOU can be soft and understanding of yourself and your pain. Talk to yourself like you would another person for whom you felt great sympathy and compassion. Give yourself the loving support that you need. Giving yourself permission to hurt isn't the same as giving yourself permission to cut. In fact, it's a nonacceptance of your pain, it's self-derision, that drives you into the sense of helplessness for which there is no release -- and so you cut.

Say to yourself -- "Mich, I know you hurt, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that it is so hard. Here, let me stroke your hair ... let me hold you. Go ahead and cry on my shoulder, Mich. I don't mind. I'm here for you, and I believe in you. I know you'll be okay, but go ahead and be sad now, because I know you have reason to be. It's okay. You'll cry tonight, and we'll sing together at some later time. But for now, you don't have to be anything different than what you are. Take the time you need. I'm here for you, no matter what."

What do you think?

July 11, 2007
5:23 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I think that I am bawling my eyes out.

Other than that, I need to just think about this for a little bit...

Thanks a lot turnabout....it means the world to me

July 12, 2007
12:30 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well....where do I start?? This isn't going to be short, I don't think. First....I am tired, and a bit hormonal. I understand that...completely. I am tired of laying around. It depresses me, and this has been proven before. I want to be able to take care of my baby. I want to be able to change diapers, I want to be able to bathe him myself. I want to dress him...I want to be the one to take care of him during the day. But, right now, that just isn't even a legitimate option. Then, he got his hair cut yesterday. Now, as stupid as this may sound...it was my last, first haircut. It took away a lot of his baby look. He now looks like my little man. He needed his haircut, and I was the first to say it....but, I want my baby back.

Second....I tried something REALLY stupid the week before my surgery. I tried to trust my dad. I wanted someone to support me, someone to understand me...and I wanted to believe that my dad would do that. He hasn't drank in over ten years...and I just wanted to prove that he really does care. So, I opened myself up a little bit about what has been going on with Jay. That was VERY hard for me...as you might expect. Well, there was immediate rejection. I got the statements of how my kids want to be around their dad, and they love him, and he has always seemed to be great with them. I was frustrated....but I let it go. THEN, I found out yesterday that the day of my surgery...while I was in surgery my step mom took it upon herself to bring all of this up to my father in law. WHILE I WAS IN SURGERY. What the fuck?? Not only did she bring it all up, but she twisted it every which way but straight. That hurts me. What hurts me even more than that...is that now, my father in law isn't really talking to me. I thought that it was me, but now I know that it is not. I know that. He left today without giving me a hug....which he hasn't done in over 8 years. That hurts me...a LOT. I am just pissed about all of this.

Third....I was informed yesterday that a friend of mine thinks that it is best to permanently end our friendship. She feels that it was unhealthy. I am not going to make attempts at whether she was right or wrong...we will just go with, I disagree. I just felt misunderstood a lot, and not HEARD a lot of the time. That makes me sad. I am sad to lose her, as I cared way more than she will ever know. I am not going to fight against what she feels, I want to respect that. But, it hurts me. And what hurts me the most is that I don't trust anyone really right now. I feel VERY insecure. She always said that we were in this for the long haul, and that I couldn't push her away. Apparently that wasn't true. So...now, I want to trust the other couple of major people in my life that swear that they aren't going anywhere....but I am finding that very difficult. I don't want them to suffer for the abandonment issues that I have...but I am reliving it....and it hurts. Sometimes, I think that it would be easier to not love. I don't want to hurt anymore. I really don't. I don't know what to do to not push these other people away right now...when right now, what I really want is to be told that they aren't going anywhere...and that things will be ok. I don't want to hurt like this. This is SO painful to even talk about.

I can't go any farther than that right now...my heart is broken. And I need this pain to stop. I just do.

July 12, 2007
9:37 am
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turnabout
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Of course you're hurting, Mich. Any one of these things would be hard for anyone to deal with.

I'll be back later....

July 12, 2007
9:44 am
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risingfromtheashes
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mich...all I can say is this sucks.

here you are going thru major surgery and recovery and the people that mean the most to you are not treating you with love and care, but instead, tearing you apart.

how unfair.

you have every right to be hurt and upset...with our without hormones.

it's ok to feel that pain and acknowledge it. it's real, it's valid.

all I can do is tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers...and I hope you recover quickly.

(((((((((((((mich))))))))))))

July 12, 2007
10:03 am
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StronginHim77
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People can -- and DO -- fail us. That is a "given" in Life. Unfortunately, you are still recuperating from your surgery and at a low point, physically and emotionally. I don't know if your doctor explained the impact of a hysterectomy on your hormonal balance? But when I had my hysterectomy, my doctor warned me that I would experience tremendous hormonal shifting afterward, even though he left in both my ovaries. I had to be put on Hormone Replacement Therapy within weeks of the surgery and have remained on it, ever since.

Please consider putting a call into your doctor and sharing with him what you are experiencing. He may decide to begin putting you on HRT, to offset some of the more drastic hormonal imbalances and level out your emotions.

Love,

Ma Strong

July 12, 2007
11:07 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am on a small hormone replacement at this time. I will be ok...I just need some time right now. I need to deal with these things. I sent Jim a lot of what I posted in this thread before last night...then I sent him the long post in the middle of the night. I have a LOT to work through. And I will. But...it is going to take some time. I will rise above all of this...but it probably won't be today. I am tough...and I am a fighter. I WILL be ok.

Mich

July 12, 2007
11:14 am
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turnabout
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You have a good, strong heart. You don't need to BE tough, you just ARE tough. I think you can trust in that. You're right. You'll be okay, in time. Give it time ... and trust ... in yourself.

July 12, 2007
11:19 am
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StronginHim77
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Consider yourself HUGGED!!!!!

- Ma Strong

July 12, 2007
1:11 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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turnabout, rising, and Ma...

Thanks to all of you for your continued support. I appreciate it. It feels a little dark today for several reasons....but there is also a peace within me about certain things. I KNOW that I will be ok. Whatever that means...I know that I will be.

"here you are going thru major surgery and recovery and the people that mean the most to you are not treating you with love and care, but instead, tearing you apart."

Rising, how true this statement feels, and how much pain it brings. I just don't like feeling alone....and that is the part that is the hardest for me right now. I know that I can always turn here....but I wish I felt like I could hear a voice, or see a face that would make me feel better.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. I was on this site until 3 this morning talking to Bev, and I am whooped. I wish that I could just sleep. I feel tired, I feel weak, and I feel drained. I just want some peaceful rest. That is what I want more than anything right now. And I don't see it happening. I wish that I could turn my mind off. I wish that I could make it all go away....I wish that this was all a nightmare that I am about to wake up from. ughhh

July 12, 2007
4:00 pm
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mean girl
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I wish you luck! Don't give up. If you were gone just think of the people that would miss you.

July 12, 2007
4:12 pm
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I have recently felt the same way you do. Happiness is not a choice in my opinion, you have to go through the pain in order to end up on top again. You have to hurt and heal from your past so that you can be happy again. Pray, if you believe in God pray your heart out. I hope you feel better.

July 12, 2007
4:20 pm
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Darth Seder
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It does seem. Having gone in for a shot and awakened ten days later ICU bound, not knowing where I was or where I had been I find old issues come to the surface.When does it stop.

Divorce, coupled with a decision to forgive all things real and imagined. (When one's relationship contains deception I found myself focusing or things perceived and possibly not real.)Anyway divorce in excess of ten years coupled with insanity of illness has brought a return of anger. Words of single motherhood just set me off like Jack the Rocket, especially when I try to redirect our children into positive path without encroaching their right to choose for themselves.

Decisions to not enable consequences from poor choices seem so hard hearted. Decision to marry the woman who sat by me during this last bout of illness, read to me , just being there( this never looks right red being a color).chewed out kids who seemed more intent on playing than visiting, and just was there does not result in giddiness or overwhelming joy although I feel safe when with her and find a love that grows daily.

My most revealing expression and most heartfelt truth when confronted with impending divorce was that I didn't have a back up plan. In the absence of the usual infidelities drink, sex, drugs or rock and roll; our marriage had become one of pain. No matter what I did I couldn't make the grade, couldn't compete with the soft porn, didn't earn enough, didn't communicate in a productive manner (male method of showing love is to fix it), lack of knowledge. In summary, she deserved better than I.
Success in post divorce, career, financial,personal don't seem to counter the message received that I am a failure. Possibly in site of healthy knowledge something's are beyond repair.

I look into oldest son's big browns as the tears begin to flow ( he is over 25) when he tells me he didn't want to be divorced, and I stupidly tell him it wasn't my choice instead of giving him the hug his heart is screaming for ( I don't cease to make mistakes I just catch them quicker.)Anyway ten plus years out and I wonder if the pain I choice to Step into, in the hopes of maintain a soft heart was a valid decision.

What I can say is that the trauma that my brain experience left an emotional vegetable that just wanted to be set free. That the tears in my son's eye drive me to a rage that is hazardous to health.

My experience is that although I have volumes of truth and knowledge, it doesn't seem to go away. My experience for what it's worth.

July 13, 2007
11:55 am
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((((((((((MICH)))))))))) Thinkin of ya, love!!

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