Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
sometimes I'm so lonely I feel like I rather be dead
June 17, 2007
2:37 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Cassie Mae-

Hi. Nice to hear from you. Can I ask you a personal question?
With all the emotional upheaval, and depression, how do you prepare yourself for meeting someone on eharmony? I would LOVE to have a healthy relationship with a loving man, but this is probably not going to happen any time soon because I am not healthy right now. Honestly, I still miss my ex. THAT's not healthy. And I am really having major self esteem issues. Don't get me wrong, if I met a great guy, and had feelings for him, I might consider myself ready and I would pursue him. But I'm not going to pursue nameless men that I don't know, only to realize on top of it that I am not ready.

I just can't do the internet dating thing. It's not me. I'm glad you are finding some enjoyment in your pursuit. I hope you meet someone special, a lot of people do.

-ella

June 17, 2007
1:22 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, ladies, I thought Id drop by to get some ideas on beating loneliness. Its a tough thing. I got a cat recently and it has helped a lot to care for someone other than me. I made some decisions, too. Dropping one psychiatrist, taking on a psychologist. Putting flowers around the house. But I was ready ato put a halt on self piatay and take on suggestions.

I understand how hard it is to beat depression and loneliness. There were times I couldnt care if a child was starving next to me. Not that it happened but I am sure I wouldnt have cared, I was so depressed. Anxiety was the highest I could take so I guess I just found impulse to leap higher from hitting rock bottom. I dont even know how I managed. But lack of concentration is sometimes tricky. Managing the fulfillment of my hopes and others´ expectations (so codep) is sometimes a challenge. Sometimes people can´t take what we take, and they get scared. No support there. We need to just brace ourselves and get by the best we can.

Nancee, good thing Ella gave some music suggestions. That alone can scare away some loneliness!

June 17, 2007
1:31 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Ladies: you all ROCK, KUDOS!!!

Sadly, I'm not going to church today. In fact, it's been a while since I haven't been there (a month) and I started to miss the company of kind people I meet there who are important element in our recovery.

Well, my kitty, this internet give me a great solace. What else? Herb tea by my bubble bath tub. Wow, that's another wonderful tip to relax and feel less lonely. I might go to the park for picnic park with some snacks by myself and a good book. Pray that it won't rain since it's partly cloudy and has been raining here intermittently this morning.

Have a Woderful Sunday (((ALL)))!!!

June 17, 2007
4:56 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I realize I meant to get leverage from hittig rock bottom. But the way down is so slow and far. Nancee, I hope you find enough self-esteem to get out of the depression blues. However, right now, take it easy. Before implementing any plan, reflect and take your time. Think of where you wanna be when you wake up from this bad dream. Try not to stray too far from it. Then like Sleeping Beauty, the day you feel strong, start living again. I dont know that I can hold to my improvement. Thats why I have a thread called the eye of the storm, ie, the quiet before it... But with the help from people here and my perseverance, I hope I will. I wish you the best!

June 17, 2007
7:17 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are very wise Sini. I never liked ordeals too. When they happen, very few people can tell you that there are lessons to be learned and it's an apportunity for change or growth. Most people resent pain and try to look at it thru just a practical perspective.

Trials and ordeals are part of our life. This is the hard fact I learned when I became a spiritual person, esp when we remember we live in a dysfunctional imperfect world, where we never been promised that it's gonna be easy or rosy.

The bottom line is to realize that emotions and unpromising or unhappy circumstances are deceptive. And as I said to Ella in my other thread "Finally she's leaving," While battling with my unfinishing endless battle last year, with the sex-noise producing neighbours, that I did not feel that situation would ever change....all of a sudden I found myself walking in a new bigger, more spacious apartment and my "inner voice" was telling me:...this is yours now, you don't have to worry any more about that noise and sex from those rude selfish next door.

My codep side could not believe it. I thought to myself...well good things happen to others not to me. What I realized now is good things happen to all of us.

Perseverance pays off!!!!

June 19, 2007
11:29 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

i'm really tired of my life. i need a new doctor. the social worker didn't call me back and I don't want to go from bad to worse... i need a recommendation but no one has any... i'm not getting the help i need... my therapist is good but i'm a lost cause... i'm tired of this. i don't want this life.

if i didn't have a dog i'd check myself into the er tomorrow. seriously. i just feel like life will be so much harder afterwards so it's a catch 22. i don't have a support system. i wish i could check myself in and take my dog with me. i am feeling very low. very low. all day i fake it and i don't know how long i can do that. it makes me tired.

lately all my therapist says is find things you enjoy. well there are plenty, but i am not able to get out to do them, i don't enjoy being alone. i can't help it. i don't want to take my morose self and have to act 24/7. it's hard enough to do at work. i can't do it on my free time. i just wish someone loved me as is. no one does. i wish i were dead i really fucking do.

June 20, 2007
12:26 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

i really have done everything i can to help myself. there is nothing within reason that i haven't tried at one point or another... what do people do when they are at this point in life? it is unnatural not to want anything. i walk around and think "I'll do anything if it will make me happy, go anywhere, eat anything healthy or unhealthy, buy something to cheer myself up, but I don't want anything... even when i'm angry i am starting to feel numb and it's not like real anger it's like "intellectual anger" if you know what i mean. there is nothing i care about except my dog. i just live through obligations i must fill to other people. it's tiresome. i know there are a lot of people going through life this way. i don't even have kids so i feel like i am not even doing things for people i REALLY care about. i don't know what keeps me going frankly. i don't know what gets me up in the morning.

what do you do when you feel like this? i guess i should be proud i'm not out getting high or drunk but i'm beyond that at this point.

5 years clean and sober June 12. This is the prize? I guess it's better than jail or hospitals. Better than death? No one knows that.

June 20, 2007
1:46 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

nancee- rasp & friends maybe you will be round tomorrow... i hope so it's too quiet... i miss you all

June 20, 2007
7:18 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

When I am traveling for work, even though often I am surrounded by others, I can feel lonely. I guess for me it is missing my family and my friends.

I know for some people - including myself when I go through one of my depressive bouts it is hard to do things. But, I have learned that the more I wallow in my pity party the worse I feel. For me, to pull myself out of that funk I stick my nose in a book. I am an avid reader, and I have noticed myself that when I am feeling down, I don't read like I normally do. So, I will go to the bookstore and will purchase several books and force myself to read.

I think that does a few things for me. It forces me to get out of the house, or off the bus and go to the store to make my book purchase. I then force myself to read. Generally within ten to twenty pages I'm hooked and then having something to focus on? I notice it helps me get through the depression a bit easier.

Also, if you are on anti-depressants, how long have you been on the ones you are on now? Is it possible that they are no longer working? Additionally, if you are taking anti-depressants and you feel they are not working as well as they should, there is a new product on the market called Deplin. It is a prescription regulated vitamen. My Dr. put me on them about a month ago, and I have to say that it has worked wonders in lessening the intensity and shortening the length of the depressive bout.

Lastly, Nancee, what your mother did? That was illegal, she had no right to do such thing. Perhaps it is time to assert that you are an adult.

Z.

June 20, 2007
9:21 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Zinnie-

Thank you for replying.

The suggestion about reading is a good one, I use that often- I am a librarian so I can appreciate that! Always good to hear.

But please don't use the phrase "pity party" to imply that the sharing of feelings- no matter how negative and abhorrent they might seem- are "wallowing in self pity" if one is asking for help. Especially when posting to people who suffer from long term clinical depression. It's quite inappropriate. And I think posting here and asking for suggestions, when one has tried many things for self improvement is hardly that. I've seen that happen a lot here to people aside from myself, and I think it to be less then helpful, and even actually hurtful.

Bipolar and any biochemical depression is quite serious. It leaves a person battling things that often are out of their control. Medication is often a crapshoot. I'm not finding any that work for my depression, only some of the anxiety is taking away by a mood stablilizer. Many, (In the past it was something like 9/10 I think that has changed a lot) people with my diagnosis die from feeling suicidal, self medicating, and or acting impulsively during psychotic breaks. One can either ignorantly blame the people who do these things to themselves, or examine what got them there in the first place. Maybe they didn't find their voice worthy of being heard, and that is a sad aspect of depression is the worthlessness one feels about their own self, and their own life.

I am compliant with my treatment, what's more, I have done all the best things I can. Sometimes you are just left with the feelings. Eventhough I can say I feel lousy about myself a lot of times, but one thing I am proud of is how hard I try to fight my illness, and do the best that I can in the big picture, and every day. I don't spend too much time wallowing. But I do need help, before the bad feelings explode. And that's what happens when one is afraid to express them, deal with them and try to understand them.

I don't believe people come here for a "pity party" or to "wallow." I think they are trying to understand themselves and get out of the hole they are in whatever their problem might be. I have seen that crybaby thread and I think when people call themselves and each other such things, well it's just a lot of denial and possibly even self hatred turned outward. Pretty sad to see in a therapuetic web site.

-ella

June 20, 2007
9:46 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi ella :o)

(((((hugs to you, my friend)))))

I get what you mean about the intellectual anger. Sometimes I can overthink myself into such a frenzy it's scary. It's different than that general "feeling" of depression. It's more heady, if you will. If you'd like some company, I've been kind of low lately too. I've got everything in the world to be happy about, but my head is just FULL of crap that just keeps my mind at a dull ache. I'm tired by 2pm every day, and I get plenty of sleep.

I did have my eyes checked, and I need bifocals of all things. Welcome to my forties, right? Oh well. I don't even care.

Do you have friends that live around you? I know that you mentioned that you didn't have a support system. My friends don't live around here. I moved to LA about 7 years ago, and I see my handful of friends occasionally, and talk to them once in a while via phone. But it's not the same as having them here. I feel lonely sometimes too. Especially lately. I want to work out SO bad, but I have no energy when I get home from work. I know that you mentioned that you try to keep busy, and that you do everything that you can to stay out of a funk - but what specifically do you do? I'm curious.

June 20, 2007
9:56 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

And for some odd reason, I've been listening to Bon Jovi a lot during my commute. HA! No kidding. I can't even begin to explain that one, but I just cracked myself up.

June 20, 2007
10:16 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Shaney-

Hey you! Thanks for writing. I am on the cusp of forties (late thirties, so I guess bodies change... and that doesn't help energy level, which doesn't help depression).

A major part of my problem is that I do NOT have a support system. That is why I post here as frequently as I do. The few people I am acquainted with as friends (pretty much mostly from work) I do not want to act like miss doom and gloom around. I would be happy though, if I had some friends just to have fun with, but those have tapered off... some were old friends who moved away, but mostly I cut a large number of people out when I cut out two things: drugs and ex boyfriends. I'm sure that was the wise choice, but I have not been able to replace them with anything yet. So in the meanwhile I'm lonely. Even those past friendships, imperfect as they were, took a while to establish- as most friendships do.

I too want to work out and have the same problem. Even if I had the energy, I would end up begining my work out at 8:30 or 9 pm. That's no good. I can't do it in the morning. But on my days off I try anyway and it is great. I am an exercise enthusiast at heart. It really makes a difference so I haven't given up completely. I think it would help if I could do this several times a week. I was thinking of walking partway home from work, but often I am encumbered by books and supplies. Also, I have terrible feet. Working out is so amazing, I miss it so much.

Well, one thing that I love that I enjoy even during this depression is the language class I am taking. I feel like when I go to this school that I am on vacation it is a very beautiful place. Also, learning another language keeps your mind so occupied fully that there isn't much room for anything else when you are attempting to converse. I'm suffering a little inertia when it comes to practice and homework, but I still do it and get stuff out of it.

I just found out the location of a knitting group. I barely know how, but I am going to refresh my memory with some videos. Unfortunately this one is in a bar, but there are so many ladies hanging out and sharing ideas and knitting of course, I don't think I will be at all bothered by the alcohol. But if so, I can use it to find out about other groups.

I do a lot of work at home, which both bothers me but helps me distract myself sometimes. Some of it is art that involves me scanning images on the computer so I do art projects for kids and then learn a lot about my computer.

Lately, I am reading a bit of history. A microcosm. But as Zinnie stated, a good book is priceless when one needs escape. I love nonfiction and often my job makes me feel obligated to read fiction for kids. Honestly, I feel robbed of reading time lately, so in a rebellion mode, I am reading adult books this year. And I've only read the first three harry potters! So I want to, and need to get back to that to stay relevant. There are a lot of kids books I like, but I want to read purely for me for a while- that's how I got that job to begin with.

Well, I don't know if my writing is any indication, but even though I love reading- literature was NOT my forte. (You can see bad spelling and grammar in a lot of my posts!) I love reading, but my backgroud and passion is art. So I have begun plans for new projects unrelated to work. Somewhat silly kind of things. A friend and I are going to get together and draw, and that is nice- to make it something social- which I haven't done since college. I often think of it as a solitary thing.

More passive activities when I can, the few friends I have go to dinner, or I go to a movie with my sister or by myself.

A guilty pleasure: stand up comedy on tv. I live near Times Square and there are a lot of stand up clubs, but I don't know if I'd want to go there. They are expensive and are big into serving drinks. The girl one of my old boyfriends was dating after I left him LOVED those places. She and I had a lot of things in common (besides my ex). She told me she drags him there all the time. I can't believe she got that guy out of the house! So maybe they are fun. I just shy away from places that really push the alcohol though. Has anyone been to a comic club?

Museums and the Opera are great, but I find they don't always lighten the mood. Certainly they take you some place else, and maybe that's what I need more of. I used to be a museum guard and ruined my feet. It makes it hard for me to go to places where I have to do a lot of walking. This is ironic, considering I got the job not only for the pay but to be near the art. Unfortunately, my free day is on Monday when the art museums are closed. I do like the museum of Natural History which is open all week.

My schedule is preventing me from pursuing a lot of things that I know would make me feel better. Right now I can't change that. I will have to adjust though, and find new things.

Anyway, gotta get ready for bed.

hugs,
ella

June 20, 2007
10:27 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We have a lot in common. I never realized that, really. I'll write more tomorrow morning - getting ready for bed sounds like a good idea. I'm tired and I want to get up early so I can spend some time on my hair and makeup. My h is coming home tomorrow from seeing a friend in Texas, and I don't want to look like death warmed over when he finally sees me. Anyway.... sweet dreams, my friend :o) - I'll talk to you tomorrow.

June 20, 2007
10:34 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Shaney-

Oh Bon Jovi! A blast from my past! I went to two concerts in my youth, and one was front row during the Slippery When Wet tour. I got to grab JBJ's arm and for me at the time that was a big thrill. Funny huh? I loved so many different kinds of music, I feel like if I didn't like it- it might have been because I didn't know enough of it.

Metallica and AC/DC kick [email protected]@. My sister and I were trying to figure out what is the most embarrassing thing on our iPods. For me it's hard to say. I call a lot of my fun/gym music "junk music" but it's not junk if it's harmless and makes you happy. My sister said Bon Jovi is more embarrassing than Captain and Tennile but what does she know? Lately I downloaded some Styx songs. Haven't listened to them since 7th grade. Duran Duran?

I love Shakira, I think she has more talent than Madonna, Britney Spears or any of those girls put together. But I love folk and classic rock with a lot of acoustic guitar. Neil Young, Bob Dylan, etc. I LOVE Bruce Springsteen- have since childhood, and got to meet him. So he is special to me. I love the Dixie Chicks and even some country music, but mostly that's new to me.

One thing I love is Chelo, there are two reggeaton songs Cha-Cha, and Un Corazon that make me just want to jump up and dance even when I'm down. Daddy Yankee and Tito el Bambino make me feel that way too.

I think soon I might have to have my iPod surgically removed from my ear. That and reading make my commute somewhat bearable.

June 20, 2007
10:35 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

PS, I'm no american idol fan at all- but has anyone heard that Carrie Underwood song "Before He Cheats?" Wow. I love that.

goodnight.

June 20, 2007
10:40 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I was really into going to shows, I forgot, the best time I ever had was at a Tori Amos concert that I went to ALONE! No friends, no drugs, no alcohol! Just great music and uninhibited dancing! I LOVED it. I miss my concert going days.

June 20, 2007
11:02 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

YOU, my friend, are KILLING me with your music blasts from the past. We most definitely have to talk. Concerts RULE! Look for my mega post tomorrow. I may pass out in the middle of my post if I attempted to write tonight. My first concert was Cheap Trick! More to come.... Night!

June 21, 2007
1:10 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I saw Cheap Trick at Six Flaggs amusement park. It was a lot of fun, a great concert, but it reminded me a little of that scene in Spinal Tap when they are playing a concert during their dip in popularity and the sign reads "PUPPET SHOW ..and spinal tap."

June 21, 2007
1:43 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

"I’ve told them a hundred times: put ‘Spinal Tap’ first and ‘Puppet Show’ last."

June 21, 2007
12:36 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey ella :o)

I have a support system.... pretty much via phone only. Like I said before, I've only lived in LA for 7-8 years, and my handful of friends are all hours away. I've made some friends here, or acquaintances I should say. No one in particular falls into the trusted friend category. And because of that, I am lonely here. I spend a lot of time by myself, have occasional drinks with people from work, hang out with my h's friends and their girlfriends at parties or campouts... but other than that, there isn't really any substance to my relationships here. Plus, in the last 5 years, I've cut lots of people from my friend list for various reasons.... drugs, drama, but mostly coming to the conclusion that my time and friendship is valuable and I'm not wasting any more time on idiots. I've ended friendships of 10 years, because I'm not dealing with any crap anymore. From your post above, I know you can relate to this. But, I'm lonely right now. Sometimes I just want to be around the people that actually KNOW me... know my past... know my family... etc. I get that when I go back home for a few days - but I have to travel. Anyway...

Workiing out? There's not enough time in the day, I swear. My mom used to own health clubs when I was growing up, and I always worked there, so working out was never an issue. Now it is, infortunately. By the time I sit in traffic for an hour to an hour and a half, I'm ready to punch someone when I get home. Once I get over that, I have either more freelance work to do, or I have chores (dogs, laundry, cleaning, dinner, etc.). When the hell am I going to work out? I already get up at 5am for work so I can sit in more traffic. SO, I really need to figure something out. I need to work out. My 40 year old body is starting to ache and I want my 20 year old body back. :o)

Which brings me to concerts. My friends and I would dress up and walk around until someone handed up backstage passes. The best score was getting back stage to party with The Cult. THAT was a fun evening. And if we didn't get any passes, we'd fight our way to the front. We actually saw ourselves on a Rob Zombie special on VH1 going crazy in the front row.

I love all kinds of music... from country, rock, and neo-soul, to all the old stuff from the 70's to the glam of the 80's . I've seen Dokken, Metallica, Van Halen, Buck Cherry, Henry Rollins, The Cult, Creed, Cheap Trick, Angie Stone, DAngelo, The Dazz Band, George Straight, Lenny Kravitz, Pearl Jam, Black Crows, Temple of the Dog, Elton John, Eddie Money.... blah blah blah. Fun stuff.

"One thing I love is Chelo, there are two reggeaton songs Cha-Cha, and Un Corazon that make me just want to jump up and dance even when I'm down. Daddy Yankee and Tito el Bambino make me feel that way too." Now, THESE I'm going to have to look up. :o)

I can't believe you're taking a language class. I've been talking about doing that for months. Recently, the guys in the wherehouse at work have been instructed by me, to only speak Spanish to me. I'm learning, but I'm thinking of getting some lessons on CD to listen to in my car. What language are you studying?

I'm a designer, so I'm surrounded by art all of the time. Mostly type and color, not so much fine art unless I go to a museum. I work full time as a creative director (been here for almost 11 years) and I do lots of freelance stuff at home. The best freelance gig that I landed was for a paint and scrapbooking company testing their products and creating projects as samples for books and trade shows. It was a blast. I also work for a beading company doing their packaging, so I've gotten into creating jewelry for them from time to time. I love to create stuff, so drawing with a friend doesn't sound strange to me at all. I've gotten so much free product over the years from my freelance people, that I'll invite a friend over sometimes just to create things with all of my supplies.

Reading? I'd love to do more of it. I like reading historical fiction, and also books about government and conspiracy theories. A bit heavy at times, but interesting.

I've never gone to see a stand up comic, and there are plenty of places around LA to go see them. In the last year or two we haven't gone many places. Once we got married, it seems that we just wanted to watch tv all the time. Order in and watch a movie is about all the excitement that we've experienced lately. But I DO want to get out more. Dinner with friends/acquantances is something that I do while M is on duty. It passes the time. I should be working out instead of eating.

Anyhoo... I almost peed my pants when you mentioned spinal tap. I've never seen it. I know, I know, it's like a mortal sin for anyone who loves music... but I just never have. I promise that I'll get it and watch it. I've been meaning to for 20 years already.... jeez.

June 21, 2007
3:58 pm
Avatar
nancee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ella,

I am so sorry you have been so down. I haven't been around lately, as my Gram would say, "If it's not spiders, it's piss ants". Just get one problem solved and there is another one right behind it. My car got stolen Tuesday night from right outside my apartment. Yesterday was just a nightmare talking to the police, insurance company and trying to get a ride to work and home and then a rental car. My car was found last night in south Oklahoma City and it had been stripped down. I am meeting the insurance adjuster at the wrecker yard in about an hour to see if by chance any of my stuff is still there. My journal was in my car, a really good book I had just started reading, a baby gift for a girl at work...I just feel sick thinking about it.

I haven't fallen apart yet, have been running on adrenaline. I'm sure in a day or so I will crash and the tears will come and I'll be a basket case.

I can relate so much to how you are feeling. I know there are things to do that 'should' make me feel better but I don't feel like doing anything. It is a struggle for me to stay out of bed on the weekends. Most week nights I am in bed by 8 or 830. My bed is the only place I feel safe. I have struggled with the idea of taking enough med to put me in the hospital but not kill me. Sweet relief to be out of it for a few days and not have to face the world. The problem is I would probably take the wrong amount or combination and accidentally die when I just wanted to send a cry for help.

True story, a lady that used to live next door to a friend of mine recently committed suicide. She was a home health aide and had slowly been stockpiling meds from her patients. She apparently took the combination of pills thinking she would just go to sleep and not wake up. According to family members, the meds caused her to have tremendous seizures and she was likely in a huge amount of discomfort before she died. She was a nurse, if she can't do it right, then I know better than to mess around with my meds.

Good for you for staying clean and sober. I was at a point a few years ago where I was drinking every night. I quit about two years ago and only drink socially now. I don't know how I stopped, it just happened and I thank God every day that I did. However, my life isn't much better.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I told you you rock--Tori Amos is one of my favorites of all time. I just pulled out one of her cd's last week and have been listening to it. I am loving the Josh Radin too.

I hope today was better for you. I will try to check in later. Take good care of yourself, remember you are not the only one feeling low, misery loves company you know. I don't know about you, but it always makes me feel a bit better to know I'm not the only one.

Big hugs to you!

Nan

June 22, 2007
2:46 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello Mzrella, I know you don't know me, but I was reading this thread and got interested in your life. I really appreciate your honesty. I can see alot of things I can relate to with you. I don't write post much, but I felt compelled to here. I am 49 years old and have had bouts of Major Depression several times in my life. At 19 I was hospitalized for a failed suicde attempt. Like you have said , it was horrible to fail, I took so many pills because I didn't want to awake, but they pumped my stomach out for 2 days so I thought I had died and gone to hell, Plus the family was tramatized. So I like you see the results and the only option is living. I also have a dog I depend on to keep my gripe on things. I also know what it feels like to be lonely in a crowd. I have been misdiagnosed before and been put on the wrong medication in my 30's that sent me in very wrong directions. I do have a clinical bopolar disorder. I have tried everything through my life to make things work for me until my illness took over me and my moods ran to gather. I am now taken mood and depression medication. I have found the medications that work together is the key. Sometimes you have to adjust the dosages. I am just now accepting this but it has helped me alot. I am trying to just let someone know that I understand clinically depression is chemically inbalanced. Well , anyway , I wish you well...Take Care, horsefly

June 24, 2007
3:24 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Shaney-
I've also cut lots of people from my friend list for similar reasons ( drugs, drama, etc.) Yeah, I can certainly relate especially about the part about just wanting to be around the people that actually know me well. But I don’t even have that anywhere.
There seems no time to work out for me either, certainly not in the morning. I miss my old body too. Funny how we don’t appreciate it when we have it the way we should. I’ll probably feel the same way about the body I have now, in twenty years from now. I hate getting older and I’m not handling my issues well. Yes, I’m being really juvenile about it.
I miss sex and even my awful ex a lot. Isn’t that a sad thing to admit? I did so much work to be able to cut him loose, but in my mind part of me is still really in love with him. It makes me sick that he’d be ego tripping if he knew how much time I spent thinking about him. Last time he showed up or called my house was in January and I was still refusing to speak to or see him. It seems he finally gave up, and in a weird way I miss him because now I really have to let go. It’s really over. I just uploaded all these old pictures of us onto Picasa and last night I stayed up late watching “The Godfather” because Al Pacino used to look like my ex. What am I, twelve years old? I really need to get a life but I feel frozen. It’s like the things I would have to do to socialize and meet people, even friends, do not come naturally to me. I used to just make friends from just being me and doing the things I do. What I really resent it having to TRY while it seems to come so naturally to everyone else. My sister meets guys walking down the street or just sitting drinking coffee in a cafe. It’s just easy for her, and I’m so jealous. At the same time, I wonder how much I’d be interested in them or ready. I really feel heart broken.
If I could erase the past 20 years of my life and start from then, I just might do it. Concerts were awesome. I miss that scene, but feel too old to go now. Yeah, I used to dress up- I didn’t pigeon hole myself into any particular genre, I loved it all. I remember dressing in fishnets and a leather mini for quite a few concerts. I got a little tired of being felt up and having my butt pinched. I never got backstage passes! The Cult were great. Funny that you saw yourself on a show, I always wonder if people recognize themselves.
I wish I could make you a CD! Or send you some music files. When I have more time I’ll make a list and you can recommend some things to me as well. I have listened to my iPod so often it needs new life.
You are not going to believe this but the language class I am taking is in Spanish! I took it up through the college level and naturally forgot most everything. Since 80 percent of the people where I work speak it, I figured this would be a good time to learn and practice.
You’re lucky to work in a creative field. My job is starting to frustrate me. It’s not at all my dream job, though it’s an okay job and there are a lot of special things about it. I feel I gave up a part of myself when I took on this job. Like I sold my soul. And lately the administration is changing things and making it less fun, taking away decision making from us. It’s very degrading and demoralizing.
My friends and I used to get together and spend hours making jewelry. We planned to sell it at Dead shows, but truth be told we were too much of a bunch of slackers to get that much together. Over the Christmas holiday I got some new beads and took some of my old ones and got together with my mom and a friend of hers and we made jewelry. It was great fun.
Well, I hope to chat with you again. Tomorrow I have a ton of laundry to do and it’s so late. Ugh. I hate chores.

-ella

June 24, 2007
3:25 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests
100sp_Permalink sp_Print

what happened to my paragraphs? sorry about that.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110962
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714252
Newest Members:
JayGriffin212, Youse1937, Cannabeme, charli55, SeaG1ant, shawncanwe
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information