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sometimes I'm so lonely I feel like I rather be dead
May 24, 2007
4:13 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((Nancee)))

Sounds like you needed to reach out and share those feelings about your family and close friend. I am glad you were able to do that. Your situation sounds frustrating and I am sorry that you had to see all of those horrible things as a child. I am also sad to hear about your family. My family isn't that great either. I also try to avoid doing stuff with them unless I absolutely have to. Sometimes that's best.

I agree with Ella, that your life does have meaning and you do make a difference to this world. There are so many things that caring people do that have a positive impact on others that we don't even realize.

Let me share a story with you that I think of whenever I need to remember that even the smallest kindness can make a huge difference to someone else.

This volunteer coordinator was good about sending out birthday cards to all 600+ volunteers for an organization. It was part of her monthly paperwork to mail out 50 or so cards for those with birthdays that month. With 600 volunteers, she didn't know much about most of them, she did mostly recruitment, appreciation events and paperwork. During one of the appreciation events a volunteer came up to her and thanked her for the birthday card... she explained that she was sick in the hospital on her birthday and the card she received from the library was the only birthday card she had gotten that year from anyone. She said that card reminded her that someone did care about her and that her work at the library was appreciated.

You do make a difference in a million ways that you will never know. Just by being kind and doing your best. You don't have to be perfect, just sincere.

Here is a link to a goofy little song I like to hear whenever I feel down...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....PrZ8vVZ2no

Chelonia

May 24, 2007
7:34 pm
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nancee
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Chelonia,

Thanks for the kind words. I understand your story about the birthday card. I have been on the giving and receiving end of things like that. That's why I try to send cards to my family or friends for no reason at all, just to let them know I am thinking of them. I hardly ever get that reciprocated, but it's nice when it happens. During the last few months of my uncle's illness, I started sending him funny cards each week and I would print out all the funny email jokes people had sent me. It had reached a point where there was little we could do for him but try to keep his spirits up and I enjoyed doing that for him so much. After he died, I took back all of the cards I had sent him and have them in a box and I can look at that and see proof of what I did to help him. I sometimes forget the things I did do when I am feeling guilty for the things I didn't. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Ella,

I love Damien, haven't heard of the others you mentioned but will check them out. I loved you calling them meloncoliacs. That's exactly how I would describe the music. I burned a copy of the cd and gave it to my work friend to listen to and told him it was my crying cd. I feel like he is the only person who understands how bad it really is for me right now.

I didn't cry so much today but was still sad. This will be a hard weekend and I can't change that. I know the first year after losing a loved one is usually the hardest.

Thanks to you for your understanding and kindness. I have said that I am lonelier than I have ever been but can't really describe it. It's a deep loneliness that just being around people doesn't fix. I would like to start working out if I could find something I like doing. I have to find something to fill my free time besides sleeping.

The guy I date has a child so we usually only go out every other weekend, although we see each other through the week. I've gotten to the point where I can take him or leave him and it feels good. I wish I could meet someone who understands me like my work friend does. He can't be the only truly sensitive guy with an open mind and heart.

I think I wore myself out last night with my venting and maybe it helped. I don't think I had many tears left today. Hope you're feeling better about things. I'm going to go watch the season finale of The Office and then probably to bed.

Hugs to both of you for caring!

Nan

May 24, 2007
7:49 pm
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nancee
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Darn, last week was the finale of The Office. I was hoping for one more. Guess I will get more sleep tonight than I expected. I didn't sleep much last night what with all the venting and crying. Tonight I am calm at least. Have a book I need to finish reading. Maybe I'll do that. Then sleep, my sweet sweet escape!

May 24, 2007
10:01 pm
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Chelonia-

Hi. I ended up having a nice time that night. Since then there was one weird day when I had an invitation to go out and at first almost turned it down. Lately I have been afraid to leave the house. Sometimes I feel like when I go out it's so hard to deal with the things that go through my head. Being with friends makes me laugh and distracts me on one hand, on the other, I have this great discomfort when in public and around strangers. I live in a large crowded city so it's extra hard. Lately, I am always comparing myself to people, jealous, and angry. I can't handle my ridiculous attitude, I feel like I've regressed to sullen adolescence. Why can't I just be a grown up?

May 24, 2007
10:09 pm
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loverbee
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Ella--in answer to your question, because being a grown up sux. No one wants to be one but we have to. Especially when you are unhappy in your career. You definitely need to have a friend to vent to and vent all you need too. Sometimes, when you are around people you don't like all the time, all social situations seem overwhelming. I understand that. you need to do something nice for yourself each day to kind of calm that jealousy down.

May 24, 2007
10:13 pm
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Thank you loverbee. I just feel like a small person right now, does that make sense?

Lately, one think I have been trying to do is not bring so much work home. It's a hard "habit" to break. It's hard to see things not getting done at work.

May 24, 2007
10:16 pm
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Hello Nancee,

I have never seen a whole episode of the office. Only one, and it was pretty funny. Maybe someday I can netflix the dvds. Enjoy!

May 25, 2007
9:02 am
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nancee
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Ella,

I agree that it is so hard to be a grown up. My mom who I have always felt tries to be too involved in my personal life has lately seemed to distance herself from me and I first took it as her pushing me away but just this morning realized maybe she is letting me go. It's freeing but scary too. She has taken off work today and she and my step dad are going to work around the house. They really seem to be working on strengthening their marriage and I wonder if that is why she has taken her attention away from me.

I didn't discover The Office until this season and devoured the first two seasons on dvd and then watched this whole season on tv. It is very funny but there are two characters who are very good friends who have always had an unspoken attraction to each other although she was engaged. At the end of last season, he told her he was in love with her and I completely collapsed in uncontrollable tears and watched that scene over and over. I have done this with other movies with happy endings which is very uncharacteristic of me. Goes back to the yearning I have for someone special in my life. Anyway, end of this season, they finally have made a date so will have to wait until next season to see if they get together or not. The characters are diverse and it is just a really well done show.

I had a pretty good day yesterday but this morning got teary eyed while remembering a conversation my uncle and I had one day when I was taking him home from one of his many stays in the hospital. He had already had his left foot amputated but was still optimistic that day, talking about how he thought he might be strong enough to go on one more trip, he had been reading of cruises for handicapped people. We also briefly discussed his funeral wishes that day. Although we touched on it a few times after that, we never made real plans other than pall bearers; but toward the end, he kept telling people when the time comes, ask Nancee, she knows what to do. I have no idea why he said that, we had not planned any sort of details for his funeral. But know what? It turned out to be the best darned funeral I have ever been to. I am proud of myself for the work I put into it, the music, the speakers, all of it was perfect. Many people complimented us and remarked that they wanted a send off like that when they died.

I'm sad again today missing him, wishing I could talk to him.

I totally relate to how you don't want to leave your home, I feel the same way. That is the only place I feel safe right now, the only calm I have it at home. Even at work or with my family around me I am uncomfortable and edgy. What can we do to change this? I feel like we have some similar patterns going on here.

I hope you are having a good day. I get off at noon today so I can rush home and barricade myself in my apartment. There are supposed to be thunderstorms later today so I can stay safe and warm while the weather rages outside. I love to do that, just tired of doing it alone.

Take care,

Nan

May 26, 2007
1:13 am
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Hi Nancee,

There are a lot of things in your posts I identify with for sure.

Isn't it sad in a way that so many of the depressed people in the world seem to isolate themselves and therefore will have trouble in most cases connecting? We are fortunate here to at least have this format to meet on.

It's nice to know you, even under these circumstances!

-ella

May 28, 2007
5:02 pm
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Hi, Ella! You, one of my miracle survivors, down!? Well, I understand. Depression can be hard to beat. Actually, it can only be distracted. As what happened with my kitty and ikebana flower arrangements! Like the medicine effect. No cure but imagine if one doesnt take it!

So here I am having a small setback with kitty on my lap and flowers on my door, kitchen, bathroom, LR... anywhere kitty won´t bring them down! But one gray winter day like today after a so so weekend is a test. I feel that loneliness you talk about, me and my feelings, disguising the anxiety, the sadness, the worry over lack of money, boyfriend and success, the unfit, inadequate feelins... A lot, huh?

So, at least you´re not alone! But each time the sun shines (in every way) and it did today finally, I can grab my kitty, you can grab your bf and take off for a bit! And think of people like me who admire you!

I think you don´t mention all the good stuff that happens in your life due to YOU b/c depression down plays the good. But you can enjoy your blessings and be proud to deserve them. They´re are there to tell you have to be someone special!!

hugs,

May 28, 2007
11:07 pm
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hi sininho-

Glad you are enjoying your kitties and ikebana. I am working on changing my workaholic ways so that I will have more time to do the things I enjoy. Free time during the work week is not much, because of my commute, so I need to be more greedy with it and not take stuff home. This may mean leaving work undone, but so be it. My job is unfair as far as understaffing and then they want to know why work piles up. I will give them an invitation to come down and reveiw our schedules and see what I have to deal with all on my own if need be.

I don't think your statement about taking medicine applies so much to me, because I've been working on my depression for decades. My coping skills have been improved a lot in therapy, but that doesn't change how I feel inside. There are a lot of things I do to distract myself. I'm in a difficult situation now with work, so I will have to compromise. It may get me in trouble, in which case I might have to transfer as a last resort. But I have tried really hard to make both ends of my life work. You can squeeze 48 hours worth of activity into a 24 hour day.

Boy friends have not been a part of my life for a year and a half! I'm still recovering from the last disaster, before that I haven't had my life to myself since I was a kid it seems. My sister says this "dry spell" is self imposed. Maybe so if you look at it from her view: which is that I should be doing what she does- spending all my energy trying to rope in some man. No thanks. That seems so unnatural. My relationships have been the results of friendships, or at least friendly acquaintances with things in common. If I don't have that now, I will wait until more of my life is spent in pursuit of these interests. Because I will be happier then anyway and in better frame of mind to share my life with someone. I really would like to have some friends to hang out with more. My friends are unavailable, in codependent relationships themselves, or in pursuit of them and not hanging out with other women!

I do talk about the good stuff that happens to me when anyone is interested. I laugh a lot at work despite my problems there and inside me. I enjoy my few close friends and family often even though I have family problems. It's just that I come here for support, and I don't need support with the positive stuff. I could start a thread saying how great certain parts of my life are and how I lucked out in certain arenas, but I don't see how that's even helpful to other people unless it's something I achieved. I DO write of achievements in sobriety and drug recovery and staying in no contact with my exboyfriend. Of these things I am quite proud. Also when things happen at work, I talk of them: worries resolved, etc. I guess the site is too big for anyone to remember everything that people talk about, but don't sell me short! I do delight in the good. I just wish I could get this depression off my back so I could be more energized to produce more of that "good stuff" in my life.

-ella

May 29, 2007
8:41 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hey Ella,

How is everything going for you? Just thought I would stop by and say hi. Let you know you are in my thoughts.

There are a few threads on here that are for postive stuff. Two that come to mind at the moment are "Thankful Thread" and "Coffeehouse". I find posting postive just as helpful as posting problems.

Depression is so difficult to confront everyday- but you do a great job coping with it. You have a job that makes a difference to the kids and community. You have the strength, abilities and will to keep going in spite of feeling down.

It is sad to hear that you are having a difficult time finding buddies to hang with. The culture in NYC is so different than what I have dealt with that I am not sure how to advise you.

One of my aquantences who is now my friend faced a similar situation where she wanted friendly people to hang out with. Her current group of friends was unavailable to her. So she invited all the ladies she knew to join her for coffee at Starbucks Saturday at 9am. For a while she was the only one who would show up... which added to her feelings of isolation. So then she took a poll of all the ladies she was inviting and discovered that Sunday afternoon worked best for everyone. So she changed it to then. She sends out a weekly invitation to everyone via e-mail- there are about 6 of us who are regulars (who go at least twice a month), with an additional 6-8 that stop in every 3-6 weeks. It has become a wonderful support and something I look forward to.

We have been meeting for about 6 months now and have gotten to know eachother very well. We are there to provide positive support and encouragement for each other. We talk about a little of everything from philosophy to current events to books we are reading to daily problems at work to our pets... The ladies are very diverse- from university professors to stay at home moms to park rangers to bankers. I don't know if somethign similar might help you connect with others and create a group to hang with, but it might be worth a try.

Another thing to look into would be to join a book group, art club, take you dog to a dog park. I know down here you can just go up to people and start talking- that is how at least 3 of the ladies joined our coffee club. One of them I met at PetsMart and I liked her dog and we started talking, so I told her the time and place we meet and invited her. She fits in great.... but then I don't live in NYC either- so that is why I am not sure if culturally it would work. We only have about 750,000 in the whole county- and everyone waves, smiles and says hi to everyone else, even if you don't know them.

Anyway, I need to go get ready to meet with the lawyers and my stbx.

I hope you have a good day today,
Chelonia

May 29, 2007
10:14 pm
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Hi Chelonia!

There are so many things I'm interested in, I don't think I'll ever get to explore them all. My schedule is tight so I have small pockets of free time and try to do the most with it. Lately, if I can, I go to gym (I just ordered a bathing suit to go at a pool with my sister, maybe take a class), I'm reading a book for a future book club, it's my third semester taking a class in a language I've been studying since I was a kid (I forgot most of it of course after college), I walk my dog and meet people that way (she's no good at the parks), and just started to hang out more with some people I haven't spent much time with lately- my cousin, a friend and her best friend (we are going to Italy), etc... My cousin is going to help be to start knitting so I can join one of the many knitting groups around here.

Doesn't that sound like I'm doing a lot? Depression is internal, as I'm sure you know. I'm battling it externally as best I can. People always thing you are at fault when you are depressed. I know I would feel worse if I didnt' do the things I do to combat it, so I give myself a pat on the back sometimes.

Honestly, I feel like when I post quite often I post positive thoughts. I don't feel the need to go to the "positive" threads unless they are a topic of interest to me. I don't have so much time to post, and sometimes those threads are chat amongs clicks. Also, sometimes I feel with certain threads as if there is an implied obligation just not to sound gloomy. I honestly am not going to worry about that in an environment that I come to for help. I can't afford to be self conscious here about "being cheerful," when I spend so much of my day doing that.

Thank you for your kind words, I hope you are doing well lately. Where is your latest thread?

-ella

May 29, 2007
11:29 pm
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ella - I've been following this thread since you started it (just peeking in) and just wanted to let you know that I have you in my thoughts. When you wrote:

"People always thing you are at fault when you are depressed."

it hit home with me, because my h is depressed much of the time. I think that I'm guilty at times of feeling that he is at fault because of his depression. I blame him... I don't know for what specifically... but I blame him for not being able to feel differently, I guess. That's horrible.... and until I read that, I didn't even realize that I'm guilty of finding fault with him. Thanks -

Hugs to you ella - you've always been a special person around here. I remember a long while back when I responded to one of your threads and you came back with the most funny, witty response. I can't remember specifically what it was but it cracked me up. Take care - love - Shaney

May 29, 2007
11:46 pm
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Hi Shaney-

Sometimes it is hard to love a depressed person. It seems to others that they LIKE to be miserable, only when you are living with it yourself you cannot imagine how anyone would come up with an idea like that. Depressed people get caught in ruts, behavior patterns that compound their problem, this due to the inertia that comes from depression. I'm sure you know all this. It's easy to understand it all intellectually, but when someone you love is having a difficult time, or BEING a difficult person due to depression... it's hard to remember that it's an illness and they are suffering.

To this day, even with all my own experience, I have trouble with my mother's depression. Part of this is because she doesn't see it as that, is not at all introspective. But I feel that this woman slept through a lot of my childhood afternoons and I missed out on having a "normal" mom. On the other hand, she is artistic, probably some sort of genius, and we really understand each other. I just felt cheated. It's hard when your needs are not being met when you are a child, or when you are an adult and your mate is down. Sounds selfish, but when you love someone... you want them to feel good, but you also want them to be present so that you can enjoy the person you love. It hurts to see them hurt.

I have a feeling that you are more sensitive to you H's depression than you let on. If not you wouldn't have even picked up on what I wrote.

Thanks for writing. It's good to hear from you. Last I heard your dogs were having trouble. I will look back on your thread. Send them some warm fuzzies from me.

love,
ella

May 29, 2007
11:49 pm
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"On the other hand, she is artistic, probably some sort of genius, and we really understand each other."

uh, sometimes. That came out wrong. My mom can be cool and we love each other lots, UNDERSTAND... well... about certain quirky things. She's smarter than me, but doesn't always "get" me.

May 30, 2007
12:04 pm
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Wow ella - you are so right.... I mean REALLY right. I do feel like my h is depressed for attention sometimes. That's horrible, I know, but even when life is better than it is bad, he is still depressed. It IS an illness, I know, but it's so easy to forget that when all I witness is unhappiness, no matter how good things may be. I've even gone so far as to tell him that he is becoming one of those that people regret asking "How are you?" Because instead of saying "fine" like most people (whether they mean it or not), he launches into an explaination of exactly how miserable he is. And you're right, I am sensitive to his depression. I swing from being sensitive and overly helpful, to irritated and resentful, to numb, to super-mega-cheerleader in an attempt to bring him out of it.

The good news, is that he's happier now that we dumped that damn house and are free from the evil real estate market. The dogs are doing okay now (thanks for remembering). It was scary for a while, but I'm happy to say that they live on, healthy and happy. What a relief.

My mom is depressed too... so I understand being a child and your mother is in bed until noon everyday. The thought of that is exhausting to me, really. She still suffers... but that is a whole other thread in itself.

Your post definitely helps me to realize what my h may not always be able to articulate. Thanks for your insight - I appreciate your view so much. :o)

May 30, 2007
11:38 pm
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Shaney-

I'm glad things are going better in your family, your house is sold and your dogs are feeling better.

Did you name yourself after one of them? I don't know where I got that impression. Your name "Shaney" is pretty, and I thought I remembered you calling your dog that. I guess we need assumed names on here for our pets too... actually!

It's late, I need to wash my hair and I'm exhausted. My schedule sucks. I need a lifestyle change. Unlike my mother, I don't get to sleep late unless it's a Sunday! I miss energy!

I'm glad you understand things so well, I'm sure your husband appreciates you more than you know (even when times are rough, and maybe especially then).

-ella

June 5, 2007
9:04 pm
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Ella,

Just checking in with you, haven't posted in a week or so. I had a really bad time last week and didn't go to work at all. I felt really down about it but then realized it's done, nothing I can do to change it so I've gone back and gotten busy again. The problem with my job is that there are various tasks and the schedule rotates each week. This week and next I am on assignments that don't fill up the day and I hate those days, I like to be busy all day and hate to have to look for something to keep me busy.

What you said about your mom sleeping through many of your childhood afternoons struck a chord with me. My brother and I had a single mom who was so unavailable to us, both physically and emotionally. She would go to bed as soon as she got home from work and slept most of the weekends while we were left to fend for ourselves. Last night, she called out of the blue to attack me for things I won't go into right now, but said that she didn't know what I have to be depressed about that that I sleep too much. I have told her repeatedly that there doesn't have to be a reason to be depressed or have anxiety disorder, although I have plenty.

I agree with you about getting out and doing things to stay busy. I am proud of you for doing that. I haven't quite worked myself up to that but a friend and I are going to start walking after work next week. What book are you reading? I am between books right now and always like to get a new suggestion.

Stay busy and have a good week.

Nan

The thing you said about your mom sleeping

June 5, 2007
10:30 pm
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Hi Nancee-

I'm sorry you had a bad time last week, and I hope it's behind you. Sounds like it was really rough since you missed work.

My mom must have been really dealing with a lot. No wonder she slept all day. I just got back from therapy and now I'm thinking of all the things she must have been dealing with (or not dealing with) and I imagine she was just paralyzed by the burden of it all. (Still, that's not a child's responsibility). She stopped working, unlike your mom, and didn't go back until we were almost ready for college. I think it was depression keeping her from it, in combination with wanting to be around to watch over us. It's complicated, there are abuse issues, and she may have been trying to be protective but got drained and immobilized by her own problems instead.

My mother has the critical strain, and cn go into attack mode as well. But then again, I think I'm starting to understand where her sensitivity is coming from. The dynamics in our family have isolated her too much, my father has disrespected her too often. Long, complicated story...

Right now I am reading a history book about the Spanish Civil War by George Orwell called "Homage to Catalonia." I like it, but that topic is of interest to me. The previous book I read was also non-fiction by the same author who wrote "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" (which I haven't read, John Berendt. It is called "The City of Fallen Angels" and it is about the city of Venice and it's high society, the events that go on when their historic opera house burns down, and the cultural context it is set in. It was excellent and read like a novel, a mystery. Very good. Before that some time ago I read a very good book called "Three Dog Life" by a woman who's husband got a head injury and their life after. It was sad, but beautifully written... I could hardly put it down and cried... I wish I could tell you why, but I dont' want to give the beauty away. The author's name is Abigal Thomas. What kind of books do you like?

Thank you for saying hello. It makes me feel like the title of this thread is inappropriate right now!

have a better week,

ella

June 12, 2007
10:23 am
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Ella,

The title of this thread has now become appropriate again. For the past few days now I have had a thought that repeats over and over, I wish I was dead, I wish I was dead. I thought I had gotten rid of the darn thought but it is back. Maybe because I have been under the weather but whatever the reason, it is back.

I commute in heavy traffic and on the way home catch myself thinking, 'is this going to be it?', 'is that the big truck hauling cars that is going to swerve over and crush me?'. Yesterday I actually said a prayer on the way home in the event that I did die before making it to my doorstep. Not that I care.

My mom has been trying to understand my depression and it really isn't getting through to her that just making me laugh or not arguing with me is not going to make it go away. While I appreciate her effort, she has no idea how deeply this runs and that I have given up on feeling better. While I don't necessarily want to kill myself, dying doesn't look like a bad option right now. I think about it so much that I almost expect it to happen. Can't explain it any better than that.

Sorry to be a downer. Hope you are having a good week.

Nan

June 16, 2007
7:45 pm
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Hey Ella,

Where have you gone? Maybe to another thread--I don't usually spend enough time to browse the other threads unless it's some subject I that jumps out at me.

I'm really having a hard time. Things totally blew up with my mother yesterday and I am really sad today. I think to a degree, some daughters tell little fibs or half truths to their mothers to keep them from worrying. She finally guessed that something was bothering me, she asked me if I had a loan against my car and a car payment and I told her no. She has since 'investigated' and found out about the car loan that I took out to pay bills and is furious that I lied to her. I have tried to explain that it wasn't to be disrespectful, just to protect her from worrying. The way she has been talking to me you would think I had a meth lab going or was making porn films. I am still the only one who is wrong. She insists she had every right to investigate me when I lied to her. She also had her personnel department check references from some of my previous jobs and found out that I was terminated or left due to absenteeism. She does not now, and never has grasped the depth of my depression. It has been the downfall of me many times and I have lost jobs when I was not managing it well.

Anyway, I do not feel she, or anyone else, is justified in doing a background or credit check on me without my knowledge, even her. I am 40 years old! I am finally getting a hold on my finances, have a job that I like and that has real potential for a future, am looking into getting back into school in the fall but I have broken her heart and am now like a stranger to her because of fibs I told so that this precise thing would not happen. She is way too much involved in my life and that is my fault as much as hers. She raised me and my brother by herself, my brother was killed in a car accident at the age of 19, so for many years, all we had was each other.

She got remarried to a wonderful man 15 years ago and he is truly a dad to me and I love him with all my heart. I guess I have relied on her too much for emotional support since I am still single. If I had married and had a family by now, I would have cut the apron strings and there we would not be so tied to each other.

I called her yesterday after work and she told me that I have done things she never thought I would do (again, did I kill someone or do I have a pesky drug addiction or some other huge problem I'm keeping from her?) and that nothing would stop her from loving me but this will just take her some time to deal with. I said me too, meaning the stuff she did behind my back, and she hung up on me.

So, sad today, but also a bit relieved eveything is out in the open. I have to be an adult and stand up for what is right, this is my life and she had no right to do what she did, although she will never believe so.

I am more determined than ever now to be a success and not need her. It's hard though, I have cried a lot today. She is still my best friend and this has hurt me deeply and I am afraid our relationship will never be the same.

Anyway, blah blah blah, just wanted to vent. Hope you're doing okay.

Hugs,

Nan

June 16, 2007
8:00 pm
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nancee
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Also, while I was posting I have been downloading music and I remembered that you suggested Eliot Smith and Josh Radin and I love both of them. Thanks so much for the suggestion. I love it when I find new music to listen to that suits my mood. You rock!

June 16, 2007
9:09 pm
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CASSIE MAE
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Hi Ella I just posted for the first time in a very long time today. I am in a horrible mess right now emotionally and with my finances, court and all kinds of problems with an x that has tortured me for several years. I, like you have had a deep depression since I was a child. What few therapy sessions and the medication did not stop a recent sucide attempt, the first one I have ever had, now I fear if I don't find a way to heal myself there might be others to come. One thing I have found that is safe and a very secure service is e-harmony. It was worth every dollar I spent, which I really felt I should't have spent, I surely haven't regreted it though. The only thing is when you fill out the profile questions you must be "totally" honest with your answers for it to work. You never are obligated to anyone and stop conversation with anyone at anytime in a very easy click with a pre suggested answer so as never to feel you a hurting anyones feelings. You will meet many people of all walks of life and many ideas, and be able to share fun ideas with people you never dreamed you might have anything in common with, they are very genuine people and have not had anyone disrespectful or rude. It is not an over night thing to find someome you find sparks a real interest but you always have choices and it keeps you occupied. Just remember to go strictly by the guidelines and if you ever make to "Open conversation" with someone it is very rewarding, and even then you make the decisions to move at the pace you feel comfortable. I haven't actually met anyone yet and it has been a month, I have however had some very respectable, fun and smiles along the way. I think I have finally found someone I want to me, he seems very polite and patience with me. I have had two phone conversations with him and am beginnig to feel I might be able to actually meet him and have dinner. At least it has kept me from my lonely despair and I have smiled when I usually have been alone and crying. God Bless and I will say prayers for you.

June 17, 2007
2:23 am
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nancee-

It's been a while since I checked this thread since I thought it was through. I missed your posts, and I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Your relationship with your mother sounds a little suffocating, like my relationship with my parents. My parents used to check in on my accounts a few years ago because they thought I was spending money on drugs. Honestly, even in that extreme case, it was my own account and I really needed to hit bottom. By "protecting" me they were really enabling me. My mother still asks how much everything costs, which annoys me. Sometimes I say "none of your business" and others when I feel like it I will tell her and just say "it's my money, I wanted it, and that's that."

My mother was extrodinarily thrifty, saved money for my sister and my education and our parents bought us both our NYC apartments. This was no small feat on a single income family (my father was a public school teacher). There was a lot of sacrifice. However, as much as I appreciate that, I am single- with no children, an adult and resent that my parents expect me to consult them about even the smallest financial matters. So I know how you feel.

I don't have any answers, actually, I have my own issues. I need to get my kitchen renovated and my father wants to get involved. On the one hand, I don't want him to, on the other, contractors are a pain in the ass and I will feel better if there is a man behind me. I know that's cowardly, but I just am a stress case and want it done. I don't know what to do.

Your mom had no right to go into your business and "investigate." A lot of people consolidate their loans. What's it to her? That is your way of taking care of your personal business, it doesn't effect her.

I am finding it hard to break away from my folks since I've been single as well. I was the opposite before I broke up with my last boyfriend. I just feel like there's no one else on this earth that I can rely on, not even myself all the time. I would love to say that in the future that will change, that I will get stronger, wiser, more stable, but I don't KNOW that for a fact and I'm scared. My parents are all too happy to keep me an eternal adolescent. I was financially and emotionally independent of them for a long time, but it seems that my boyfriends were a distraction. I want to be an adult, it's like you say, it's just as much my fault as theirs.

I'm sorry I don't have any anwsers, but I understand where you are coming from. Hope your week gets better.

hugs,
ella

PS Glad you enjoyed the tunes!

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