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sometimes I'm so lonely I feel like I rather be dead
May 5, 2007
12:42 am
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smarterone
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i relate, im so tired of trying to fix my life. I know the lord would be disappointed but this is not living. God bless you andgood luck.

May 8, 2007
10:20 pm
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Tonight I had therapy and it was pretty cathartic. One of those sessions when you just cry your eyes out unexpectedly. The other night was my birthday and my sister spent the evening trying to make it a nice day even though I told her I didn't want to celebrate. She knew I was down so she and a friend tried to cheer me up.

Then I found out the next day that she was pmsing a bit, but mostly she was so worried about how depressed I am that she just stayed up all night and missed work. When I spoke to her on the phone she started hysterically crying. I didn't realize she cared that much. That is sweet, but I hate being such a burden. My sister more for me than most people, she's a little self absorbed- but apparently not as much as I thought. So I was feeling very hypocritical not to realize it got to her that much. Maybe she is worried about my self destructive history repeating itself, or maybe she is putting herself in my place. She said she is so sad that I spend so much time alone- but I used to love that! It's just that now it's not by choice. I don't have any other options most of the time. She's not the kind of person that enjoys alone time, so my depression must seem even more severe to her. She said "honestly I just don't know what you do with all those hours." Really, I don't feel like I have ENOUGH of them- but I would like company.

Also, I finally admitted after a year and a half- that I really miss my ex. I KNOW I did the right thing leaving him. I just don't FEEL like I did the right thing. Does anyone get that? It will never FEEL right, either way- I was damned. But life goes on... I just have to learn how to let go on the inside even though everything on the outside is starting to move on. Friends would help and I'm working on it. Going to school. I might pick up an art class in addition to what I'm doing now and join a knitting circle (I don't really know how but have been wanting to start again).

Today was a fun day. Had my kitchen measured for renovation, nice walke with dog and cleaned my windows (what a project- still not done and I only have 2). Went to Times Square to get the kids some games from Toys R Us. We are having a big event at work so now I feel more prepared. It was a beautiful day and I felt like a tourist in my own town. Always I have that melancholy feeling, but when I can see the world a little in color I know the day isn't that bad. What better litmus test for color than Times Square at sunset?

Thank you all for writing to me. I have these awful feelings all the time. You all make me feel connected when I would otherwise feel so isolated. I'm sorry so many of you are down as well. Let's keep sharing. Sometimes the posts are more about relationships, and since I'm out of mine- I don't feel I can contribute. In the past I felt like not many understood or shared about general depression on the site. It's unfortunate you suffer from sadness too smarterone, but if you want to write to me I'm here.

Thanks all,
ella

May 9, 2007
10:19 pm
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Gee, Ella, I feel bad I haven´t checked this site before. I just wanted to say how much I care how you feel. I relate so much to your woes. I´m going to a good phase after adopting a kitty. But I know honey moon is dying out. I still think the kitty was a turning point in that I saw myself having real feelings with this kitten: from laugh to tears! I felt human again.

You share so much. I wanna come back and check on you. I have felt awfully lonely. I asked myself 'what´s the point' so many times.

One other good thing, I think, was letting go of therapy that wasn´t helpful. I wish I could cry once in therapy or out and have some catharsis.

I´m continuing with a psychologist and med´s. More pragmatic. I took what was good fromm psychoanalysis oriented therapy. Now I´m going more the golden rule route and the basics.

Knowing who we are is crucial to making changes. I´m basically learning not everything is black or white.

Gosh, you´re working, too? Busy bug. What about exercise. That could boost your brain chemicals.

Maybe what we need to beat the hell out of depression is an attitude, not fake it till you make it type of thing, just an attitude based on our book of rules, our boundaries, without having to justify ourselves. HP accepts us and knows who we are for what we are. The rest of the world can take a bit of our attitude.

Being sensitive is good but not when we are powerless over things and people. Protect yourself, say no to thinggs that are potentially hurtful to you, nip in the bud those things that you know can lead to disaster.

Such as having bad thoughts. If you can avoid, tell yourself you´ll think of it later. Don´t run from the thoughts, just don´t give them as much of your energy. I know what faialed suicide attempts are. But can abe alll the better for them.

I will try to check on you more often!

(((((Ella)))))

May 10, 2007
3:22 am
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Sininho-

Sorry that therapy wasn't helpful, but it's good you found some help that is working better for you. My therapist is a lifesaver, literally. I wish I felt the same about my doctor, but my therapist kind of makes up for the other's lack of skill.

Congrats on the new kitty!!! My dog is my little sweetheart. She gives me something to love and care for that gives me warm fuzzies back. I love her so much.

My job is what is preventing me from exercising. I'm trying to figure out why I'm not adjusting. The commute is hard on me and I do not consider transfering or moving options. I have to figure out how to adapt. I'm the kind of person that likes to exercise, and needs lots of it to keep my energy up. This is something I miss terribly, I love the feeling of being in shape- as narcissistic as that sounds. It's one less worry. It scares me to see the years sliding by. It seems yesterday I was doing splits and running for miles and now I'm having a hard time with just stretching and doing eliptical trainer. There is no ailment to blame, just let work get in the way. I don't know how to fix it now that I get home so late. It makes me angry. I am a workaholic, but a reluctant one, and I am resentful all the time.

-ella

May 10, 2007
12:13 pm
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I totatally agree with the sentiment I'm so lonely I'd rather be dead. Today is my birthday and I couldn't be more down. I just feel like everything I do is wrong, I've been holding back tears all morning. I was so lost I stayed home in bed all day yesterday and want to be there today but can't afford to miss another day. My friends all just see the outside and think I am doing better but on the inside I am falling apart like never before. Each day I care less and less about myself. Being dead isn't an option because my mother is very involved in my life after losing my brother in a car accident 18 years ago. All of my life I have been controlled, smothered and lived in fear of disappointing her. Today I feel guilty cause it is my birthday and I am sad and if she knew this she would think it was her fault or try to fix it and this can't be fixed. My boyfriend has finally started being the kind of boyfriend I want and I feel nothing but numb toward him. I just don't want to be here today. I am tired of waking up each morning and being disappointed that I have to fake it through another day.
Happy Freakin Birthday to me...whatever!

May 10, 2007
6:18 pm
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nancee-

Sunday was my birthday so I know how you feel. I'm so sorry you feel awful. There's no way everything you do is wrong- most likely you do the same thing I do, which is hold up impossible, inhuman standards to meet. It's so tiring to feel like you do everything, and live, for others rather than yourself because you are deriving no joy out of your life. That is something I can identify with as well.

It would be great if we could find little areas of our lives that are just for us. Not to make other people happy, not to earn a paycheck, not to do to be "healthy" -just to enjoy and feel good about. Sometimes living life like it is one big "to-do list" makes us so miserable. It is hard to extricate yourself from the web of the "SHOULDS" that keep you from feeling good. I'm having a hard time as well.

I hope that your day takes a turn for the better and you have a few enjoyable moments. Birthdays can suck, I won't deny it. But I'm wishing you some moments of peace and warmth.

hugs,
ella

May 11, 2007
9:07 am
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Thanks, Ella. Happy belated birthday. You are so right about having some 'me' time that isn't about pleasing anyone else or spending it on self improvement. Just some time to 'be'.

I forgot to check my mail yesterday and picked it up on my way to work this morning and there was a birthday card from Mom. I started to leave it in my car and read it later because she always gets cards that make me cry but I brought it in and opened it. I can't even tell you exactly what it says but there was something in there that said 'just be happy' and she had underlined that. It made me cry, makes me cry writing about it. I feel like her whole life depends on me being happy and I can't ever let her see how bad I really feel. I could never tell her I have thought about suicide, although not too seriously. She would be watching me 24/7. We have had so much death and suffering in our family and I feel that I carry the burden of entertaining and keeping everyone in good spirits. I don't feel like it but I don't seem to have a choice this weekend.

My uncle that I was very close to passed away in September after a long illness. He was my Grandma's baby, we all grew incredibly close to him while helping to take care of him as his health declined. I feel bad and selfish, but I always have to share my birthday with Mother's Day because my bday is always near or on the same weekend. This one is going to be especially hard for my Grandma, her first MDay without her son. I was invited to Tulsa to go see 'Mamma Mia' tomorrow afternoon with one of my best friends but don't feel like I can go because I need to be here for my family.

Also, my boyfriend who is finally coming around and being thoughtful and considerate is supposed to come down after work to take me out for my birthday and I couldn't care less. I just feel like that's another thing I 'have' to do. I'd really like to go home this evening and have some quiet and some sleep but feel like that isn't good for me. I try to hide from the world but I know I need to get out there and do things with my friends.

I'm tired, confused, burdened, and completely sad. I could cry all day and not get it all out. I have to get my attitude straight before spending time with my family tomorrow. I am thinking of putting off the boyfriend thing until tomorrow evening but then I think I should just keep our plans and get it over with. Sounds like I really love him doesn't it? LOL

I'm so confused!!!! I just wish I had some time when I didn't have to please anyone but could be myself whether I was happy or sad.

May 11, 2007
10:20 am
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Happy belated Birthday, Ella and Nancy! I feel like I would be better off dead a lot of the time, too. I don't think I'm suicidal, I haven't planned anything or even thought of how I would do it. I just get tired of feeling down. I guess you could say that I'm not currently in a relationship either, since I am separated from my wife. We talk a lot and see each other about once a week, but I have my own apartment now, and we essentially are living separate lives. I think this is still a very appropriate appropriate community for us, though. Since we know we have the tendency to be codependent, the sharing here is very good for us. I think it helps us communicate in healthier ways, and get feedback from people who really understand us. The depression REALLY hurts, but it's good to know that we are not alone.

May 11, 2007
11:34 am
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Thanks for the birthday wishes, Harmony. I don't necessarily want to be dead, just maybe in a coma for a bit to give me a break from the constant anxiety and worry that wears me out. There are times that I realize 'hey, this is me and I can't change who I am' and it scares me to death. It's like I try to forget for a while and then it all comes back to me. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

Sorry about you and your wife. Sounds like a good sign that you are communicating though. My boyfriend called a bit ago and I am in a little better mood. We are going to dinner and then renting a movie. I am still a bit resentful that I won't have time for a nap, that would do wonders for my mood but I don't know how I can work it into my schedule.

Just one more hour and I am off work for the day. I will have a few hours just for me, maybe a pedicure, before the birthday and then Mother's Day events begin for the weekend. Will be glad when it's over. I think that's why I sleep so much, to escape.

And I didn't mean at all to make my mother sound like a monster, she is really my best friend but I still feel like I have to hide so much from her because all she wants is to see me happy and secure. I'm a long ways from that.

Ella, hope you're having a good day. I'm trying to be positive. It's the only thing I can do...

Nan

May 11, 2007
1:30 pm
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Nancee, You're welcome! What you said makes perfect sense to me. I, too would like to escape from the worry and anxiousness. It is very tiring. I sleep more because of it. If I'm feeling good late at night, I stay up too late to take advantage of the good feeling, then suffer for it the next day. I don't really want to die either, I just want to feel better. Thank you for your kind thoughts about my wife and I. I think it is good that we are communicating, too. We definitely have a very codependent relationship, so we need to change that to make things work. The main problem was that she saw her mother physically abused by her father almost every day until she was about 7 years old. She also saw her emotionally and verbally abused. She, herself was abused emotionally, verbally and even sexually by her father. She learned so much of this and even though she has resentment toward him and hates the way he behaves, she does a lot of the same things. I have learned through counselling that she has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for many years (we've been married for 9 years). Instead of running, I began clinging to her and became needy. I was constantly looking for love and reassurance. I didn't get the impression that your mother is a monster. She sounds a lot like my mother. My mom past away almost 15 years ago this year. She worried constantly about me. She had me very late in life, and was very afraid something bad was going to happen to me. Even when I was grown and living on my own, she wanted me to call her when I left work for the day, or when I went out of town for the evening. I don't think she was a bad person at all. She definitely had issues, and she was very much a worrier and obsessive. I'm sure that I picked these traits up from her, either through heredity or environment, or both. I'm also sure that these contribute to my codependence on my wife. I seem tp have been okay in romantic relationships as long as everything went well. It's whenever we had problems that I became very needy and clingy. Anyway, sorry I got so long-winded! I hope you enjoy your weekend, and have fun with your date and with your mother!

May 12, 2007
2:35 am
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Nancee-

Just because you don't feel like being with your boyfriend and acting like super-girlfriend doesn't mean you don't love him. Maybe you can explain to him tht you are going through a rough patch and it doesn't have to do with him. He may already realize it, and then you might find yourself very much relieved.

The thing about your mom, I understand. That is how it is with my parents only I do little to hide how miserable I am. Selfish, I know. But sometimes you just can't help it. YOu just can't summon the energy. You are such a loving daughter to worry that much about your mom, but try not to let it add to your burden and the hard time you give yourself already. It is not your fault you are sad. You wouldn't be that way if you could help it, you do not WANT to be sad, so you are not selfish for having feelings. Don't feel as if you are hurting your mom because you are depressed. You are not doing it on purpose, and you are not "acting out" like being nasty to her right? Believe me, that happens.

Holidays and special days are especially stressful for everyone, even in the best of circumstances because everyone feels pressure to act happy and make things perfect. When this week is over, you can relax a little. Maybe you should allow yourself to just express your feelings to at least one person in your life as a start? I mean, we can't act as we feel all the time anyway, but we need to do it to a degree for our sanity. From the sound of it, I'm the opposite of you- I cry all the time and struggle with self control. So I have to work on that! When I was younger and living with my family, I was more like you. I didn't get angry on the outside, or even talk much!!! Therapy changed that, but now I'm seeking balance in the other direction! It's hard. I know what you mean.

Repressing strong feelings can indeed wear you out.

take care,
ella

May 12, 2007
3:47 am
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4harmony-

Hello. I'm so sorry for your pain. How come you think your community is the right one for you, and being friends with your ex? Do you have children together? If not, have you considered that being close to your ex is making your depression more intense? Or is your depression due to other issues?

I know it's hard to perceive of our lives without our significant others even after a break up, but can you identify whether or not you feel sad in connection with being in contact with her? I know it's hard to let go.

be strong,
ella

May 12, 2007
3:55 am
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4harmony-

The sleep thing is an issue for me too. I seem to let a lot of life slide by oversleeping. It's the only relief sometimes.

And you are right about your ex, at least you are trying to be friendly instead of hateful. You are understanding that it is not personal, that she had issues long before she met you. It is good not to think that there is something inherent in you, or something that brought on the abuse. It seems you are thinking about why you were enduring it to begin with and that is good. I just hope it isn't draining you when you could be spending more energy on yourself.

-ella

May 14, 2007
12:59 pm
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I have been pushed to the edge, ready to jump...I hate the moments when I realize that my mother really doesn't know who I am at all. I attended a very large church yesterday so that my grandma could visit her other son's church and be with both her kids on Mother's Day. It was a huge church and very loud and packed with people. I neared a panic attack there.

From there, we went to Golden Corral to eat, despite my protests that it was too crowded. As usual, I was the one who took my grandma around to fill our plates and it was so crowded there were lines just to get to the buffets. When we finally got to sit down, there was a toddler banging his spoon on the table behind us and I was literally shaking on the inside I was so nervous. I didn't think we would ever get out of there. My mother does not understand my anxiety issues. She thinks it's something I have control over, which I don't. She doesn't understand my depression, never will. It hurts when I realize this.

I finally made my way back home and slept for the rest of the day. I am filled with sadness today to know that my own mother doesn't understand me.

I emailed her earlier to see if my step-sister brought my niece down to visit yesterday and before I knew it, I was being belittled for not yet paying back some money I owe her. I had borrowed some money earlier this year from my mother and was to pay her back when I got my income tax but hardly got any back. My mom and dad gave me money for my birthday which seems kind of odd for her to be asking for money from me two days later. I will gladly pay her back, I just don't appreciate the tone she used with me. I am sick over the way she made me feel. She does nice things for me just so she can throw it in my face later. No gift of any kind comes without strings.

She lives about 45 minutes away from me and I don't plan to visit for a while.

I wish I could tell her how I sometimes want to die but she would never understand. It's always all about her. I would get a lecture about all that she has done for me and how could I not be happy with all that I have. She doesn't even begin to understand how deep my sadness goes. It hurts to much to be slapped in the face with the fact that she thinks she can make me into the perfect daughter and doesn't want to know who I really am.

I am sooooo sad today. Wish I could go home and hibernate. I am keeping myself going by telling myself that this coming weekend, I will stay in bed the whole time if I want. I am tired of trying to please everyone. I do whatever they ask of me and it still isn't good enough.

I wish I could cease to exist for just a few weeks, just go away. I think I need a therapist.

May 14, 2007
4:57 pm
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Ahh, the Golden Corral and it's boisterous tiny diners, I've come to know them from visits with my folks as well. ANNOYING! Some people are just not bothered by crowds and noise. I work with kids and sometimes it's hard to control the noise, but I am getting paid! When I am out in public after work, and dining that drives me nuts too. Your mother might not truly understand the degree to which this grates on another person's nerves, especially if you get panic attacks. Some people just plain don't get what they haven't experienced no matter how hard you try to explain it to them. I'm not excusing her, I'm just saying- it's really hard to accept people's limitations but we have to work around them sometimes. You did a great job of that making those sacrifices for mother's day, but it doesn't mean you have to put yourself through it on a regular basis!

There would be no point telling her how you want to die sometimes. What could she do anyway? She most likely would not be a comfort, and if you say this too often, it would not be unreasonable for people in your life to want to protect you, send you to hospital, etc... I know sometimes it's just a feeling, but becareful who you share that with. A counselor would be best of course. People in our lives can't handle hearing that. I know when you are in pain you might not care, but they will feel the need to do something about it, and it's overwhelming.

Please continue to share on AAC, and seek counseling. In dire moments I encourage people to call Samaritans hotline to get you through the moment, or even the night. They are good and calm you down even when you don't want to hear SH** from anyone. At those times, all advice might seem like BS, but you need to get past the urge and through to the next day.

If your mother is causing you pain and is abusive, you have every right to cut down on the amount of time you spend with her if possible. Try to give yourself some peaceful solitude or spend time with more kind people. It's hard to do sometimes, to build a support system or even just a social circle that is more healthy, this is what I am working on now. The holidays suck! I hope you feel better later on this week.

hugs,
ella

May 14, 2007
5:11 pm
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Thanks for understanding, Ella. It is true that people can't understand what they haven't experienced. The one good therapist I had a few years ago told me I likely have post traumatic stress disorder from all the things I saw and heard as a child and the way my mother would dump us with our grandma and then decide to come back for us like nothing had ever happened and we wouldn't want to go with her. She is truly a different person than the woman who raised us, but she does still have some control issues.

I had decided to stay away from her for a while but this Saturday is my deceased brothers birthday and I hate to leave her alone on that day. She started emailing me this afternoon trying to make nice so I know she knows she was out of line. Will just have to see what happens.

I am usually okay by the time I get home. My apartment is the only place I feel truly safe and can relax and forget about the rest of the world. I can go to sleep there and forget about the day but dread tomorrow. I wish I was stronger.

Hooray for me making it through the day! 1/2 hour and I can go home. I hope you have a good evening. Thanks again for listening and sharing. It helps more than you know.

Nan

May 15, 2007
9:35 pm
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hi nancee,

Mothers! The topic of the week right? My mother is a difficult person for reasons- most I don't feel like going into right now, but she has a big heart when it comes to me and my sister. My mother has endless complaints about the trivial, but never about major things. In a way, I've got to admire her for that. She doesn't have it easy, I'm starting to understand her better, but I don't always like to be around her when she is being "screechy" as I call it. Also, she is a pack rat- a trait I fight tooth and nail in myself. I just am so afraid of living like that, when I visit her I get so upset about her house. It's just dangerous. But I want her in my life. We have our chuckles together, talk on the phone and our visits are nicer now that there's a little distance. I think SHE likes it that way too. But it's hard. For some reason a mother's word or opinion, or actions still have such an impact even as an adult child.

You are sweet to go see your mom on your brother's birthday even though I'm sure from what you posted above- that it won't be easy for you. I'm sure no matter what you think of the day, the fact that you cared enough to show up for her will mean a lot. People don't always express their feelings, my mom is not all mushy about it, tends not even to call me much, but I know sometimes she has fun or appreciates me. Sometimes my father tells me things she says. It's weird that I always thought we were open about most things, but that she can't be direct about saying something simple and nice. I think it's a vulnerability thing. I don't know. Sometimes I just want to talk to my mother for the conversation sake! We do have interests in common. But I know when my family gets together sometimes things regress back to a similar dynamic from my youth, times that weren't all that happy.

Thank you for writing in this thread. I'm actually not having such a hot day. Garden variety depression B.S.. Just had therapy. Etc.

I went back to work for the first time after my vacation. My day was fine. It's not that there was anything wrong with my day. I'm just not happy to be back with so little time to comfort my self. Like you, I LOVE my apartment and wish I could hide out there sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I feel good about myself until I leave the house.

Today I went back to work and even though a friend of mine wasn't there I was forced to deal with my jealousies of her. I HATE being jealous of anyone, especially people that are deserving of all they have. I guess I just feel I deserve those things too? My coworker and I get along so well at work, I enjoy her company and she is a sweet person. She just has everything going for her that I do not. And do you know other people keep reminding me of these things constantly? I don't get it. I feel like they are testing me. Comparing us. It's cruel. (We have similar jobs, I am older). It's hard to explain with out going into detail and I don't have time right now. I can't even go into how I feel about it right now because it's making me feel like a bad person and I already am not feeling good about myself. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe another thread sometime when I'm not so exhausted.

Maybe when I wash my hair tonight I'll feel a little better. LOL.
have a good night.

-ella

May 16, 2007
5:00 pm
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Hi! What nice sharing you all got going!

How can people still think depression is something you just get out of your system with just a big kick? How can we cling to people that do not empower us? Just by listening or being there quietly. Hopefully I´ll be able to do that for someone. Without looking for soemone needy as a codependent, that is.

I don´t even wanna start about depression and mother issues. I know I´ll never meet my deceased mom´s standards and for the rest of the family, I was great while I had no sickness, no problems. I´m surviving, though. It could that because I met so well my dad´s expectations that there´s always a way to live, if barely at times. I tried suicide and failed on that more than once. Fortune or whatever, in a way I´m living a little bit out of despite and hoping for some good things in the future.

I´ve quit therapy at this hospital and now I´m holding myself to keep going with another therapist, which I like. Bottom line is I need to know myself, support myself and do what pleases me a little more.

You may have heard of ikebana flower arrangments. Well, that was oone thing I enjoyed as of last. I managed to do arrangements even I could not criticize cuz nature is so perfect. And they were all different arrangemnts, a change from the same symetrical stuff.

I´ve been out on a bike with my cat, too. Never thought I´d do that again. Just ought to keep going. At 48, this exercise could be my life saviour. Sleeping is great, really, I love it, just too bad we wake up with all sorts of pain, emotional and otherwise.

Nice sharing with ((((you))))!

((((ELLA))))

May 17, 2007
1:32 am
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sininho,

Exercise is wonderful. It's great you can bike. I used to run, skate, work out with weights, stretch, and assorted things...I miss it so much. I just simply can't figure out how to adjust my routine, but I am dying to change my schedule so I am going to have to make some major changes. Exercise has so many benefits. One of the things that is getting me down is that I don't have enough of it in my life these days.

Artistic expression is important as well. You seem to have found two of the healthiest ways to occupy yourself! Ikebana is beautiful! You have the benefit of actually doing the arranging, but living with the arrangements afterwards in your environment must be a perk as well!

hugs,
ella

May 17, 2007
2:14 am
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My day sucked today. This thing at work is getting under my skin because I'm feeling extra low and insecure. My coworkers are so completely enamored of a friend of mine that it's kicking up my jealousy issues. Not so much because "they like her better" but they keep reminding me of the advantages she has over me, etc. If I didn't like her, and could do so, I would avoid her. But those are not the case. They don't do it to be mean, but they sure as hell aren't very sensitive about it either.

I guess we are seen as peers so there is that comparison thing. Honestly, this woman has "the life" and a lot of people would be envious of her- but she is a kind person, charming and I enjoy her company. It's just that I'm sick of when I am struggling with something and one of her groupies has to say something like "Well Ms. X has it this way, isn't that so amazing?" Or whatever. A lot of what she has is luck, she is neither a "better person" than I am, nor does she treat anyone better than I do, or is she more intelligent.

When matters like this come up, I NEVER say anything. I wouldn't like to sound negative towards my coworker whom is kind to me, and I like as a person. But today it got a little weird. She is still out on vacation and you'd be surprised how often her name is brought into compeletely irrelevant conversation. I was speaking to another woman, we were talking about diet and exercise with two men that were in the cafeteria. I was saying (mostly in response to something she said, and because she is a woman and we were speaking of shared experience) that I was struggling with exercise and body image. I said even if I starved myself, I would never be a tiny woman. (This is true because I was a gym rat and in great shape at one point, muscles, no fat but not small). The guys interruped us and said "Mrs. X exercises constantly, she does so much. She does blah, blah blah." (She does yoga on the office floor which I find inappropriate, but whatever).

Midway through their adulation (they were rude enough to inturrupt me so I had no problem doing the same) I stopped them. I said, you know she has no commute, she's naturally tiny and would look that way regardless. It is easier for some than for others. Then I stopped myself because I didn't want to sound too angry, like a small and mean person, but they really kicked up issues for me. Some men are so stupid about comparing women with out even realizing it.

The woman I was taking to, who is much larger than I am, agreed. The guys left and she and I were talking about how people are all different body sizes and the fact that you can whittle yourself down to a size 2 when your skeleton is a size 10 completely escapes most Americans.

Still, the issues are not just that one. It's everything. Also, it was recently my birthday. The topic of age comes up a lot where I work. We are a diverse workplace agewise. I am almost ten years older than Ms. X. I look awesome for my age (38). But I'm not happy to be getting older.
If one more person utters a nonsequitur about how young Ms. X looks and how healthy she is, I may puke. Honestly, it is getting me sick. Who is that insensitive to say that to another woman who is older than the person they are raving about?

There is not one thing that my superstar coworker doesn't have easier than me (0r most people for that matter). Why people add to this luck with worship I do not get. Admire her because she is nice and hard working, or something like that. But not because she struck gold in the lottery of life. I don't get it. It's not that I can't stand to hear people be complimented, it's just unbalanced. I don't hear anyone in our workplace getting as much attention, and they are all great people. What makes some more fortunate than others, and then why does fortune alone attract more fortune? In other words: "Them who's gots, get."

I know a lot of this has to do with my issues right now. Generally, I love my coworkers, but these things are getting to me. They really are.

May 18, 2007
6:49 pm
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I am having a really hard time right now. I'm supposed to go out as soon as my friends get here, and all I want to do is just cry. I cried my whole way home from work today (an hour and a half). Things there are getting on my nerves, I guess I don't work with enough people my age which is part of the problem. Also, I work too far from home. I'm just tired all the time. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have anything to do tonight. I'm actually afraid to come home. Thank god I have sleeping pills because I have a big day tomorrow. There's a big even planned and the woman that's supposed to assist me with it seems to have disappeared from the map. I am so stressed out over this lack of support. My coworkers can barely remember it's happening, even though they are supposed to be scheduled to work it. I'm really upset and have to act happy all the time. I hate it.

May 23, 2007
2:32 pm
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nancee
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Ella, Hope your week is going better. I totally fell apart last week and was sick in bed from Wednesday through Sunday. Came back to work Monday and now am trying to figure out how I am going to get by with this week's pay check which will be for only two days since I was ill last week. I hate being a temp, wish I could get a permanent position here. I love the casual atmosphere, get to work with one of my best friends, flexible hours, casual dress code. It would all be perfect if I had the permanent position with sick/vacation leave and benefits.

However, I have to be thankful because as my friend pointed out, I would not have survived at my previous job the way things were going there. It was just way too stressful; my boss there thought everything had to be done her way and she spent more time examining my and my co-worker's work than doing her own work. So glad to be away from that horrible, oppressive place.

I got really down when I was sick, as if I wasn't down to begin with. Then I felt a little better and yesterday had a really good day. Then driving home, I remembered Memorial Day is coming up and was overwhelmed with guilt that I hadn't been missing my uncle who died in September enough. I know there is no reason to feel guilty and that he would want me to be happy. There was a line from one of the poems when I was going through stuff for his funeral that had a line like "Better to forget me and smile than to remember and be sad." That doesn't sound quite right but you get the idea...

Anyway, these last couple of years since he had his foot amputated, when a holiday fell on one of his dialysis days, two family members would have to go take him to dialysis and then pick him up in the afternoon. My family lives about 45 minutes away from me and my uncle lived about 20 minutes from there in a handicap equipped apartment. Anyway, it was always a hassle deciding who would go take him and pick him up and I feel so guilty about that right now. I'd give anything to have the duty of driving him somewhere just one more time. I wish I could talk to him so bad. He was my 'go to' guy, especially when having problems with my mom, his older sister. I just feel like my whole world has been torn apart with him gone.

He did way too much suffering and I am glad for him that is over but selfishly wish I could have him back and healthy, telling jokes and playing cards and all the other things he did to glue our family together. I feel like I'm left to be the glue and I'm not sticking very well.

I still feel like there isn't a purpose to my life. I did figure out a way that all could be solved...if I got pregnant and then died in childbirth then I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving my mom because she would have her grandchild to love and I wouldn't be committing suicide. The hitch is there is no guarantee that I would acutually die....Just Kidding..don't want anyone to think I am actually that whacked. I really don't feel like being alive but am too scared of going to hell to consider suicide as an option, besides, it would devastate my mom to lose me after losing my brother when he was 19. My life is just one long string of people I love dying.

What's the point of it all?

May 23, 2007
8:21 pm
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nancee
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I'm home now and have been torturing myself listening to Damien Rice whose words always help a good cry get started. I started way early, in my car on the way home and continued it on into the house. I did take time to tend to one of the plants from my uncle's funeral that I am terrified of losing. It would be like losing a part of him. I realize I sound like a big drama queen, and maybe I am, but I am also really really hurting and really really alone and really really needy. I have just fallen apart today, a combination of things are making me sad but not sure what was the last straw.

I think I have mentioned my very good friend who helped me get the job I have now--I have known him for over 15 years. We met when we were both in our early/mid 20's working together and became fast friends, mostly because we were the ones everyone else thought were nerds, dorks, whatever you want to call it--but actually we were the coolest, could talk for hours about nothing, dissect a song to death, share past hurts, but mostly we were just two misfits who needed a friend.

At that time, he and I were both living with others. There was and never has been anything remotely romantic between us; he married his girl, the guy and I broke up long ago. I feel right now like I am relying on him too much for comfort and stability. I feel safe when he is around. He loves me like a sister and is very protective of me. We confide in each other and I can tell him anything without fear of judgment.

I feel a bit of resentment that he has me to talk to all day, then goes home to his wife, his house, his pets, his life and I come home to my crappy apartment, boyfriend who is not 'the one' although he tries more than he used to. This week, though, I have just felt a yearning for him when we leave work, like there is so much more I need to talk about. I know this is just becuuse he is the friend who is the most available to me right now. All of my other friends could be subject to the same resentment due to theit significant others, children, jobs, whatever.

I just feel so alone and empty. I don't see a purpose to my life. I am 40 years old. My life is half over and it has all been wasted, miserable years.

I go every year and put flowers on my biological father's grave. The father that I have memories of choking my mother while I whipped him with a toy telephone cord begging him to stop. The father who drank and drugged himself to death at 40. Along with my sadness over this being the first Memorial day since my beloved uncle passed away, I feel really resentful toward my long dead father and wonder if this is the year I will finally stop visiting his grave. I think last year I placed my flowers and said sonething sarcastic like 'thanks for everything dad.' That side of my family is rather large but they are all strangers to me. They were never around when he was beating my mom and my brother and I watched it. They weren't really around when my brother died drunk in a car wreck at the age of 19. In the past few years, though, they have begun to seek me out and I just don't have any feeling for them. At times I was close to dear old dad's youngest brother's wife. She passed away a couple of years ago way too young. That was about the last tie for me. I have told my aunt when she calls that I have a problem being around a lot of people at one time and that if she and her sister, my other aunt, would like to meet for lunch that would be great, but I am not up to a big family gathering. She still only calls when it is a big family gathering. The last time she called was about 3 weeks ago. She left a message and I have not called her back.

None of them were at my uncle's funeral, knowing all the time and work I had put in to helping take care of this man who was an uncle, dad and brother to me. I have a wonderful stepfather who loves me like his own daughter; I have a step sister who is hard to get to know but we are both trying and she has a one year old little girl so I am an aunt--never thought I would be after my brother died.

I don't really know where all this is going. Maybe I am just venting. I am miserable and I am ready for it to end. I want to get up each day and be glad to be alive, not disappointed that I woke up. I don't think my depression has ever been this bad, although I am on medication. Sleep is the best escape for me right now.

I guess I have wasted enough time with all this meaningless ranting. Forgive any typos, am typing without my glasses and through tears. I do feel a bit better having gotten some of this out.

thanks to anyone who listens. I'm so tired of being alone with only my own thoughts. I dont know how to make it better.

May 24, 2007
12:45 am
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Hey Nancee-

Damien Rice is good stuff... do you like Eliot Smith? Josh Radin? I have a whole collection of those meloncoliacs on my ipod.

"...I feel a bit of resentment that he has me to talk to all day, then goes home to his wife, his house, his pets, his life and I come home to my crappy apartment, boyfriend who is not 'the one' although he tries more than he used to. This week, though, I have just felt a yearning for him when we leave work, like there is so much more I need to talk about. I know this is just becuuse he is the friend who is the most available to me right now. All of my other friends could be subject to the same resentment due to theit significant others, children, jobs, whatever. ..."

Wow. That hurts. I know what you are talking about. I can really relate to that. When one of my old ex's who I had a "friendly" break up (my first bf ever) with came to visit me... I got a taste of that. And as far as other people, oh... I want to start a whole thread on how I wish I had the things in my life that so many I know do... significant others, friends, family, self esteem, etc. Not that I dislike people when I am in their presence, but I feel sad and resentful, and then sad THAT I'm resentful. Disappointed in myself. It all sucks. You just want to feel like "oh I'm just so happy for this person" and all that nobel crap, but the truth is, you are a human being and you are hurting, and wanting to feel better. They at least appear to have it easier, so it is natural to want what they have, and to want more from your friends including their company when you are down.

Nancee, I feel as you do. I feel the hopelessness, the meaninglessness. But one thing we have to keep in mind is that this is a major effect of depression. These are not facts. Our lives are not empty, meaningless and hopeless. These are powerful feelings, yet, but they are not facts. Not to trivialize your pain, or the circumstances that are causing you to suffer. Losing people close to you and enduring abusive situations certainly must add to those feelings you have.

Know that your life has meaning outside of your own perspective. There are things you will never know about how your lives has touched others in beautiful ways. Kind souls are needed, often they themselves suffer but bring warmth and brightness into the lives of others. I can't look at myself this way, so I feel like a hypocrite. I try tho- think of my dog, the kids I work with and some of their parents. And from what I read in your posts, I really see you as a person who brings a lot into this world even though she may not be enjoying it at this time.

This is not to say that you should live your life for others and suffer doing so, and if you are codependent type you have to be careful how to walk the line. That's a whole different thing. You just naturally bring light where you go, and I mean that you should feel good about yourself and that your life is not meaningless, or a waste. I have a feeling you have spent much of your years doing kind things.

Please don't apologize for "ranting." This is where we let it out! If we can't do that here where can we do it? And btw, it wasn't ranting, and it wasn't meaningless.

hugs,
ella

May 24, 2007
3:52 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((Ella))),

(sorry to have missed this thread until tonight, but I haven't had a lot of time to browse through the threads lately)

How did it go the other night with your friends? How did your event turn out?

I have been there myself on both.

Sometimes being social is just to much work. Sometimes I go and wish I hadn't, but other times I go and have a nicer time than I expected. It reminds me of that Forrest Gump saying "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you will get".

As for the event... I have so many times planned and prepped for some big event that maybe 2 people come to. It is so discouraging. Or equally frustrating is to have a big event that loads of people come to and you are the only one or one of the few doing the work.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely right now. I find great comfort in my pets. They are my most reliable companions.

Based on what you have posted, you seem like someone that I would be good friends with. Stop by the coffeeshop sometime if you are looking for a friend. I often hang out on that thread.

Sending good thoughts your way,
Chelonia

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