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sometimes I'm so lonely I feel like I rather be dead
April 21, 2007
10:58 pm
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Don't worry, that's not a suicide threat, it's just how I feel. I don't have "plans." I'm trying everything to make my life better, and it's not happening in the social sphere. Now I realize why it was so hard to give up unhealthy relationships with nothing in their place.

My loneliness literally drives me to distraction. I am under a lot of pressure from work right now and have to spend a lot of free time working. To make matters worse, I have trouble focusing and everything is taking longer.

I'm so sick of crying.

-ella

April 21, 2007
11:58 pm
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i totally understand what you are saying! i feel like that VERY often, i am also so lonely at this point in my life and it seems like it would feel better to be in "bad company" than none at all...

it's saturday night, i have nothing better to do than sit home, make dinner and watch urban cowboy...hee hee.

i do read the blog often, i haven't commented in over a year, but i just had to respond, because honestly, i KNOW how you feel! ha.

April 22, 2007
12:04 am
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fantas
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((((mzrella))), I know what you mean about feeling so lonely you feel like you'll locse your mind. You reached out though. Good for you. Althought I know how hard this is perhaps you should just sit with yourself and cry. Wanting to engage in social activities when you feeling lonely is running from your uncomfortable feelings. I am the exact opposite I seclude myself and prefer it that way, so I make it a point to have a social life otherwise, I could just stay home and be with myself all the time. All the best to you!

April 22, 2007
4:27 am
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Thank you both for responding. The weekends are rough, and this site which is usually a comfort, is slow during those times. It's 4am right now and I've been up working, it's nice that you wrote. I don't think I'd be a workaholic if I had anything else in my life. I try, I have "hobbies and interests," take a class, try to arrange things with so called friends... it's just hard. So my sadness makes me drag out all the unpleasant tasks in life, and I know I'd be getting things done a lot quicker otherwise because I have in the past. It's like there is this cloud in my head. I can't think straight.

I don't do well with antidepressants, so that's not a real option. I nead to just get through this time. I feel like all my life is spent trying to make it better or waiting. Maybe it's not so bad. Why can't I learn to like being alone. I don't mean without a man, because I can do that. I mean really ALONE. Maybe because it is against human nature.

Sitting with myself and crying is taking up much to much of my time. I try and multitask and cry while doing other things, dishes, homework, etc. LOL. It's just become such a part of my life that I cry and then laugh later on. But all the time I ache.

-ella

April 22, 2007
4:30 am
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fantas-

Wanting to engage in social activities when you feeling lonely is running from your uncomfortable feelings.

Can you elaborate on that? It sounds helpful, but I don't really understand fully.

Thanks.

-ella

April 22, 2007
9:11 am
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(((Ella)))

Actually crying is very GOOD. I started to cry lately a lot when I'm bymyself and it's very healing and soothing.

I agree with Fantas, I am a loner. I prefer my own company than be with any company, being a selective person that I am. There is nothing wrong with you hon. You are doing just the right thing. Ditto!!!

I'm going to church today and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

(((Hugs)))

April 22, 2007
11:37 am
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Dear ella ~ I can relate somewhat to what you are saying. I felt that lonely many times after G. left me, thinking it is Saturday (or whatever) night, and we should be together, enjoy each other... I am not a very social person, and I am someone who needs and likes a lot of time alone, but I still felt so utterly lonely. I don't feel that way anymore, and I don't cry if I spend my Saturday night alone. Perhaps the pain we feel is sharp, because the wounds are not quite healed. It takes time to grieve, to heal, whatever you grieve, and from what I remember you made many positive changes in your life and you let go of your love as well. But when the wounds are not healed and still raw, we are unable to let others in, and there is an emptiness which feels so hollow.

I observed it in myself. I was dating, and rejecting everybody, no matter how good or how bad they were, and I thought I will never make new friends as well. Surprise, surprise I made two wonderful friends quite recently, and it was so unexpected... I am still grieving, but it is not as bad and intense as it used to be, so I am sure my energy is much more positive and I am much more approachable than I used to be. But, as you've said, you just have to wait. You are still in the liminal, transitional period - not there anymore, but not at the new stage of your life quite yet. You are doing great, and this crying is a part of the process.

I used to cry unbelievable amount of tears, up to 5 times a day in the beginning, so I cried when I was doing other things, naturally. But I never thought about it as multitasking, lol! You are so witty, you will make new friends and lovers, it will come to you when you will be ready, and one day you will. I really do believe it now. Take care.

April 22, 2007
11:38 am
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The secret is to not mind what is happening. Really truly and deeply. There are two things going on and Eckhart tolle describes them perfectly for me. I am trying to disidentify from my egoic mind and my pain body. For love to flourish this needs to be done. To deal with the pain body, you bring presence into the pain and thus transmute it. The longer you sit in the pain the more changes you will be able to make. To disidentify from the thinking is to be the silent watcher of your thought and behaviours, especially old patters and egoic roles. To check out more on the roles to name them and facilitate this check out genpo roshi's facilitation of big mind series on youtube.com. It starts with an introduction to big mind and goes onto facilitation of the control, skeptic, damaged self, etc. up to number 11 don't get confused with his series of same shit new day series which is also great. lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....38;search=

Basically if you can stop investing all of this with selfness the mind loses its compulsive quality which basically is the compulsion to judge and so to resist WHAT IS, which creates conflict, drama and NEW PAIN. Infact the moment judgement stops to WHAT IS you are free of the mind. Good luck in your journey. There is a ton of stuff out there. I find youtube excellent. Ken Wilber and the mystic heart series and a few others in the related links are also very, very worth taking the time to watch.

April 22, 2007
12:51 pm
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fantas
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mzrella, How are you doing today? I echo Matteo and tiedup, what I meant by running away from your pain is that we tend to want to replace the pain with something else because it is uncomfortable. It's like taking a painkiller when in pain. The longer we keep running, so longer it takes us to heal our wounds. The things is very few of us have ever been trained to look at pain and especially emotional pain as good thing or a lesson waiting to happen. I have a great deal of difficulty sitting through my anxiety without taking a pill, running, doing some meritorious deed, watching tv etc but I find that as I try and sit with it, I get more comfortable with it and I have began to look at what is causing it by writing in a journal. I hope that makes sense. I look up the link suggested by tiedup.

April 23, 2007
12:57 am
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Fantas,

Hi. Thank you for explaining that. When I was younger I used to spend a lot of time alone by choice. Now that it is not a choice, I guess I resent it and am not as comfortable with it. It just feels like eternity will be like this (and I guess philosophically speaking it will be). In the past, I used to do a lot of journaling, and have just started back at that. I stopped this week because I have hellish pile ups of projects for work, but I will go back to it since I'm having vacation in about a week. Journaling helps, you are right. It helps you face things because stuff comes to the surface.

Also, I am in therapy and now dealing with some intense stuff so that's rough. I guess not having a relationship will help in a way because it would just complicate what I have to look at as far as things that happened in my family (and still do in a way).

Sometimes I am brave about facing things, I have tried in so many ways. Other times I get weak and go the escapist/self medication route. I have been in recovery from drugs and alcohol since June 2002 so there are fewer and fewer vices for me to turn to.

I think the rest of the world turns to things like the company of friends and lovers and other things to comfort themselves and it is seen as normal. I just guess I feel angry because I am deprived of this option.

-ella

April 23, 2007
1:00 am
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tiedupinknots-

"The secret is to not mind what is happening. Really truly and deeply."

Easier said than done. I'm not ready for that stuff. I'll watch the link, but I feel what I feel.

My feelings are valid.

-ella

April 23, 2007
1:12 am
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Matteo-

Thanks for what you wrote. I'm not a really social person either. But I've always had a few good quality friendships in my life. Circumstances changed that for one reason or another, and then those were replaced with not so healthy relationships. Now nothing. I think you are right, that the pain just amplifies the feelings of loneliness when other times you might just make use of the time and/or just find it completely bearable and able to put it in perspective.

Something about being burned a few times, not only by lovers, but by friends and family as well. When you make bad choices, and or have difficulty in your life that happens. It takes no effort for people to attach themselves to individuals with no problems. However, no matter how you try to conceal it- others sense tht you have something going on and do not want to get involved. Even people who are supposed to care about you.

Sometimes I even feel lonely when others are around because of this. Both my father and sister were just here. I might as well not have been here because they mainly talked over me and talked to each other. My sister is a spoiled brat. I feel as if we were raised by a different set of parents. She's so narcissistic it's sickening. My father feeds into that.

I was angry at them when they left and didn't try to hide it. Personally I rather be lonely then be with that kind of company. I took a chance today- I thought things would be differnt. They never change.

My sister was trying to do something I taught her 100 times on her computer (one I GAVE her). Something really simple, that she doesn't learn because she doesn't pay attention to a word I say. I was busy doing my work and couldn't drop everything to run over to the other side of the room and help her. I said if "you don't know how to do it by now, I'm not doing it for you." My father said "Don't be such a B----" Then he started to rationalize why he began to call his own daughter a bitch. I said "Why don't you both leave since you only agree with each other anyway." I'm sick of my family. They make me feel like I have no one.

-ella

April 23, 2007
1:14 am
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Rasputin-

Thank you for your understanding and your prayers. I appreciate it.

-ella

April 23, 2007
1:26 am
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fantas
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((((Mzrella)))) On this site you have friends who get you and understand what you are going through. Families are all sorts of triggers. I left mine a few countries away till I got myself strong enough to deal with them and stand my ground. I feel for you. Just concentrate on being your own best friend and take great care of yourself. You are an awesome human being. Cheers!!

April 23, 2007
1:46 am
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Ella-
Hi - fairly new here. Started a thread tonight called Narcissit - why didn't I see it?

I am going through so many of the same feelings and emotions you are right now. I too feel the lonliness is greater because I don't have a family I can count on. Frankly, I went home to see them on Easter and was disgusted with them. They are all alcoholics and just keep getting sauced to avoid their real issues. They made me sick and I couldn't wait to get on the plane and get out of there.

But I flew back here only to see my N play all his games. Tried to talk to him about how I felt after my family visit but he just wasn't listening because the world is all about him. But he and I are DONE again. It's only a matter of days before he comes crying back, but I am at the point that I HAVE TO do NO CONTACT. And that's it, no contact means lonliness. Lonely weekends.

Lonliness is horrible. It makes you sit there and think just way too much. I have been out of work for some time and am finally getting back to work - thank god. And like you I will probably immerse myself so much as an attempt to forget about everything else. But this is a pattern I know I need to break because I've done it in the past. Workaholic to avoid something.

Ugh! Why do we ask ourselves the same questions over and over in our minds?

I am so sick of crying too. I know what I need to do and every night I say to myself what I need to the next day - which is change this ugliness into something good, something positive. Wake up and be grateful for what you have. So many people don't have what we do! But it is so hard and it's a battle many days.

So what do I do to try to relieve it temporarily - drink a glass of wine or two to forget. And then wake up and say "you don't need to drink" - it only makes you feel worse the next day.

I know how you feel...

April 23, 2007
2:03 am
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luckyloo-

Thank you for writing. Yes, the thing about loneliness is that you don't get the refreshing perspectives of other people. You don't get the benefit of being there for another person. You don't get to give, which is just as important as being loved. (I cannot take the time to be a volunteer right now, but I am considering it for the future, to work with my dog in hospitals in a animal therapy program).

I have felt so guilty about having a good life that I don't enjoy. I really don't know what to do about that. I share what I can. It would be nice if I could be given the opportunity to have some real friends. Sometimes I'm afraid if I donate my time, that it will just bleed me dry because I would treat a volunteer job like I do my career.

I know people don't have it as good as I do. But there is somethign wrong with me too.

-ella

April 23, 2007
2:11 am
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Ella-
I'm so glad to find a dog lover. I adopted two amazing mutts since I moved here with my ex. They are alot of work but good therapy for me.

Volunteer - I did it when I was suddenly out of work. I mentor two amazing ladies. I act as a professional mentor, helping them find their passions. The experience has been so rewarding, it's amazing. And thank god I had this going while going through all the insanity I went through with my ex.

I am on a waiting list for the children's hospital pet therapy program - it's like a year out.

Do you live in the 'city'? I am from the Northeast. I am struggling with whether I should move back or not. Right now, my heart says no because it puts me back where I was with my family and I feel I might be better away from them for awhile.

What kind of doggie? By the way my nickname is Lucy Loo after my second adoptee mutt named Lucy. She's crazy but I love her to death.

April 23, 2007
3:23 pm
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(((Ella))) How you doing today hon? Please give us an update!

I know a lot about loneliness, have been living alone for so many years, till I found my present church and felt really much better and surely less lonely. Can you not join/find a good church in your area? Join a club/YMCA or go outdoor/indoor pool or do some other activities where you can meet people?

April 24, 2007
1:05 am
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lucyloo- Yes, I live in the city. I have a small mixed breed with 1/2 long hair chihuahua in her. I love her even though she is getting a little cranky. She may not be eligible for therapy dog training since when we are sleeping sometimes she's started to nip. Sometimes I wish I could just run away with her and just hide out and cuddle all day with her.

April 24, 2007
1:08 am
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Rasputin,

Hi. I'm okay I guess, just getting sick with sore throat.

I take a class, but there are only a few people in it and they are not my age. Still it is a few hours of relief.

Part of the problem is how depressed I am. I feel like I have to hide it.

-ella

April 26, 2007
12:31 am
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I don't know what to do with this. I really don't.

April 26, 2007
2:58 pm
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Depression is treatable. I suffer from it on monthly basis esp. during my PMS. So it is a feminine stuff.

I think you have a dog. My kitty gives me so much joy. I hope your doggie draws a smile on your face.

I heard lately that Omega 3 is good for depression? Have you asked or checked out with your doctor???

(((Ella)))

April 26, 2007
11:37 pm
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Thank you Rasputin.

Funny you should mention Omega 3. My sister buys them for me! Sometimes she is sweet, (makes me sad/angry she is so wrapped up in a hunt for a bf now that she's not herself). Anyway, so I take them... Well, it can't hurt, who knows, maybe I would be feeling worse without them?

My dog is what keeps me going when I'm hanging by a thread. When I was using drugs I got worried about her welfare so sent her to live with my parents for about two months. It was weird... I didn't care what happened to me then. But I missed her, wanted her back around the same time I wanted to be clean again. She makes me want to be more responsible and gives me a reason to take care of myself. I know that sounds stupid, and I said that once to my parents and they were insulted. I can't help it-- I just love her in a way that's far lest tainted than love for any human.

Still, sometimes I wish she could talk. I cry and talk to her, but she can't relate. She looks at me and probably thinks "Oh here she goes again, the drama queen. Just feed me, pet me, and get over yourself!" LOL.

Yeah, when it comes to my dog, I'm nuts.

-ella

May 2, 2007
2:06 pm
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Death is permanent. Depression is temporary. Depression is from a sense of loss. Try to figure out what losses you are suffering from. For example, no partner in your life, job dissatisfaction, unhappy with personal appearance, etc. Then make a plan to Gain what it is you dont have that you really want. Have to identify the problem first. Then you have to set a goal like where it is you want to be, then make a realistic plan to get what you want. When you start doing things for yourself and believing that you can improve yourself you will begin to feel better. For example:
Problem: I feel depressed because I feel unloved
Goal: To feel loved
Plan: I will get involved with something that interests me (such as dancing or art) I will do this activity in a public location (such as a club or taking an art class). So I can meet people who share the same interest as me. Then you will be able to surround yourself with people who have the same priorities and values as you do which will help you to feel love. Like dont go to a cat show if you love dogs go to a dog show where you can get the love and support that you need for something that is important to you. Then you can start to form healthy relationships.

May 3, 2007
3:21 am
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Destinystar-

Thanks for writing. For me, depression is not temporary. I have suffered from it since childhood and have been in treatment since. Sometimes I have periods of weakness and setbacks, but I have been fighting this and working on it the best I can. I do many of the things you suggested. Depression can be biochemical as well as environmental, when it spans over a lifetime it is harder to sort things out than it sounds. You can only change how you act and try to change how you live your life, but sometimes how you feel doesn't quite make the transformation.

Quite honestly, I have exeeded what most people thought were my limitations in life. With all that I have been through in life, I have done very well for myself. This doesn't mean that I am not unhappy. Somethings are just due to the human condition. Some people are more sensitive to certain things than others, some people are built with better coping skills and the rest of us take years to construct them and learn to put them to use. Honestly, I've had plans at every point of my life to improve it. I'm sick to death of my life just being one damn work in progress- (John Lennon quote aside.)

There is no quick fix for loneliness. I am surrounded by people all the time, I pursue my interests when I can. There is no sure fire formula for friendship. It can't be forced. It has always been something I found naturally.

Honestly, I've always believed death to be some big secret relief. That no one really knows that it feels better because that would be unnatural- no one would want to struggle and stay alive and promote the species. But really, once you get past the initial physical pain and gog unconcious, what is there? Relief, nothingness. And that means no pain. I am not arguing for suicide, because unlike when I was younger, I am scared that I am very very wrong. Besides, the whole undignified manner in which we die disturbs me. I've already had failed suicide attempts and it's not fun.

There's no problem for me to figure out what is bothering me, actually I know myself quite well. It's not like there's some simple problem to identify either.

One thing I can give myself a pat on the back for is how hard I try to "improve" myself. Too bad there are some things in life that I have no control over improving.

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