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Sometimes I'm not there
November 4, 2004
10:54 pm
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tearsofaboy
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When she calls me on the phone a shot of tension grips my chest! Will this be a time where she will get upset - and what will it be this time? And I go away and my walls are there. She senses this and reacts and I become resentful because she reacts. Then we fight and she tries to take control by telling me how to talk and what to do - this just pushes me further behind my walls. What if I screw up? Certainly I will be in deeper muck if I screw up - but what is screwing up? I don't know! Then that building tension needs releasing once it hits that point - I lose it! I punch my pillows, throw my hampers, smash CD cases, I tell her that "I don't care!"... I push her away.

She hasn't spoken to me since this last time - and she isn't running to me like she used to. I'm glad she isn't running back, so many parts of me don't want the problems back in my life. But I'm also left so scared because this is new ground for her and me... and then the what if's start! We'll be back together tomorrow - because we will both cave - that's just reality and the cycle will start again.

I don't know what to do. I've been allowing her to control me for the past 2 years - who am I? I've allowed her to dictate so many things - I'm lost. And in "losing it" I've been controling her it's the only power I have seem to have taken in this relationship. I don't want that power - I hate myself for being a powderkeg of anger! But she'll take the power if I don't...

I know that all I can do is control myself and stay true to my inner me - Whatever I do I CANNOT MAKE her not find something to get upset about. I CANNOT MAKE her do anything!

I can stay true to me and make choices - because I have choices. The anxiety still looms like a vulture though.

Thanks for letting me vent. Advice is welcomed.

November 4, 2004
11:02 pm
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Tears-

Your statement "I know that all I can do is control myself and stay true to my inner me - Whatever I do I CANNOT MAKE her not find something to get upset about. I CANNOT MAKE her do anything," shows that you must have had a breakthrough revealation. This is of vital importance- to realize that the only person you can control is yourself. It is a relief to realize this, yet it is painful in many ways as things will continue to be revealed to you.

What exactly do you want advice on? Sounds like you both have anger issues? Is that what you want to address? Your inner narrative is leading you towards some good points...

You're in the right place for support.
I wish you well,
keep posting.
-ella

November 5, 2004
4:47 am
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SweetAmanda
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tearsofaboy,

When I read your post, I thought that you were my ex boyfriend... That he had somehow found this site, and was posting about our past relationship. Wow. Just the same. It's like being able to see what he was thinking and feeling, and it makes me kinda sad.

All I can do though, is tell you what I felt when I was his girlfriend:

I felt that I could never be my true self. I don't know who I am... So I was always trying to be something that would make him happy, something that he would like. I would worry all the time about the future of our relationship, or what he had been doing. I would always find something to get upset about! I felt that I could never have my defenses down, I thought that I would get hurt. Therefore, he put his defenses up as well. That's the thing… What is ‘screwing up’, will this be the time that I get upset, will he get upset? It just seemed like too many secrets, too much drama. I eventually stopped caring, and it drove us apart. I don't think he even cared when we broke up this last time.

The only advice I can offer you is to write out on paper everything as it is in your head... And next time you talk to your girlfriend, ask her to do the same. You two need to be totally open and honest with one another. Maybe go to a counselor? Tell her that you love her, but that this has got to stop... Don't put blame on anyone, don't apologize, just say that you want to work things out. It's really a control game to be pushing and pulling back and forth like that.

I hope I said something that may be of use to you. ~Amanda~

November 5, 2004
1:43 pm
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blujay
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Tears-
Reading about how your girlfriend acts towards you reminds me of how my husband would say I acted towards him. When he told me that I felt awful and knew I needed to change something. He has his flaws but my job is to fix me. I have axiety, co-depedence problems so im working with that. But I also read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book and workbook (don't know if your a fan of his or not). I found those books to be so helpful for self-exploration and realized that I can be really selfish and I didnt even know it!!
My point is that there is work she needs to do and counseling could really help you two, but if you really want the relationship to work, I would recommend those books. They can really give you the tools to improve yourself and allow you to stand up for yourself so that others treat you right. I hope this helps...good luck!
-blu

November 5, 2004
1:53 pm
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kathygy
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It sounds like you two are in a dance. One of you has to stop dancing. The next time don't react to her. Don't give her that power. You can tell her you don't want to continue the conversation if its going to be like this. You can tell her you'll talk to her when she is calmer. You don't have to play along. It takes two and she is pushing your buttons. Stop the conversation before it gets to that point. Stay calm and she will at frist try harder to pull you in but when there is a shift in one person the other person often can't help but shift too.

November 6, 2004
3:41 pm
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tearsofaboy
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Thank you, all! I guess when I say 'advice is welcomed' I am saying that if you have been "here" what have you done?

A little (tiny bit) about me - I do see a counsellor, as does she, and we do go to couples counselling. And I know the best I can do is stay on my path and hope she finds hers - not force her or tell her or remind her or anything - she has to do it for herself. But I know I can be SO reactive at times - I want to learn to respond.

Part II :

At our counsellor last night she told us to do somethings that would REALLY help both of us - and I saw this (it was one of those obvious 'duh, why didn't I think of that things?') yet, my girlfriend kept challenging those things - saying that they couldn't work. I can't make her take the advice - but what do you do when you see it as being good but she doesn't?

I guess I just have to excuse myself - and not let myself fall into it - but it's easier said than done. We will see each other today and talk about how much I hurt her - which is what we do - and it'll probably take the rest of the day (6-8 hours), I know I will be drained by then and not want to talk about the pain she has caused me making me feel like the bad guy, the evil one - another pattern.

I will take your advice and write it out of me and I will get out of the situation once it hits the spot where it will be no good to continue and sit this dance out. Take the power over me and leave her to struggle with her power issues (all of this in the best way I can do). I haven't gone into Dr. Phil's stuff yet - I'm still on Melody Beattie's book 'Codependent No More' - but all I've got is accounts of what happens no real advice yet.

Thanks everyone! Wish me luck!

November 6, 2004
3:47 pm
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SweetAmanda
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Hiya again!

That's the thing, maybe she is having trouble realizing that you are hurting too? You say that you feel like you are made out to be the bad guy all the time. That has got to be a huge stress. =(

I really hope things work out for you, and it is awesome that you are going to counseling and couples counseling as well! (Hugs)

~Amanda~

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