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sometimes i secretly wish he would come crawling back
March 20, 2004
6:54 pm
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whyme85
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sometimes like now...i secretly wish he would call...my phone would ring and it wouldnt be one of my girlfriends calling to check on me or my family...it would be him...even if he called just to say hi and be a friend...i wish he would knock on my door right now...and come in crying telling me he was sorry for what he's done...even if we could only be friends...but no...he's completely out of my life...the last i heard his voice he was yelling at me for talking shit about his new hoe...i havent heard from him since...this is so painful...sometimes i just wish he would just appear...and remember the good times we had and how much we loved eachother and how he's doing so wrong right now...

i sent that letter earlier this week...Wednesday to his mom...no response...no surprise there...i am sure i will never talk to her or see her again...but at least i made my peace...tonight is going to be soooo hard.

March 21, 2004
8:15 am
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whyme85
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the insomnia is terrible. i cant sleep at all...when i do its for about 45 minutes...if i am able to get any sleep at night I wake up on the dot at 6:30 EVERY MORNING. And then the day begins of thinking about them 24/7, thinking about how much I miss seeing the sparkle in his eyes when he would laugh, I miss that the most. I can't even have him as a friend and it's not my fault. He's completely ignored me for this girl, like I never existed. HOW? HOW CAN HE DO THIS? Is he really thinking of me and shielding me from more pain since they are together now? or is he just being an asshole, not giving 2 shi** about me? This is the longest period of time we have gone without seeing eachother or talking to eachother in over 3 years. I am thinking this has gotten to the point where its not in my control anymore. I need help but I am trapped. I have no car because I got into an accident. I miss him so much. I honestly feel like I would do anything to get him back...we had problems yes...but it seemed to me things were getting so much better...there was no more name calling, no more abuse, etc...that stopped a long time ago..it was like he was beginning to show his true self and everything was going to be okay...just like he told me days before we broke up...I miss him so bad...I am stuck without a car and no place to go crying and thinking about him and her...i cant take this!!!!!!!!!

March 21, 2004
9:07 am
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Kessie
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Oh, W. you are so anguished! It is a horrible feeling - sometimes even I feel the same about my dreadful alcoholic, wishing for the times when he made me feel so special. We all feel like that. BUT he only made me feel special in order to hurt and disappoint!

So try to get into your head that these feelings are temporary, and hard though it is to realise, - believe me - it really does get better with the passing of time. Just take one day at a time.
Try phenergan to help you sleep. It really has helped me.

Kx

March 21, 2004
9:08 am
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whyme85
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what is phenergen

March 21, 2004
9:35 am
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Whyme-
Is your car getting repaired? Or was it totaled? I can see how difficult it is if you can't get out of the house much.

It maybe that there was no more abuse, no more name calling, and that you got along better because he was already pursuing that other relationship. Even that creep might have felt guilty. Or more likely felt the need to conceal anything that might tip you off as to his infedelity.

A lot of times when men are cheating, they become more affectionate and "generous" towards their significant other. Whether done out of guilt, to distract her, or because they are just feeling so charged up by their new fling- it can be confusing to an unsuspecting woman. I am financially independent, but the boyfriend that I had years ago (the one I mentioned in an earlier thread) used to do that. Everyone just said "Oh he treats you so well, look what he does for you," We'd go out to dinner all the time, he'd buy me gifts constantly...but how much of an investment was that really? It takes very little energy to throw money at someone, and a lot more to love them, be honest with them and faithfull. That is really what I wanted. I can buy my own stuff. But that was his motivation sometimes and it distracted me enough that I thought, well I guess he was thinking about me today. Dumb, huh? And no, I'm not some gold-digger. I have very simple needs. I would never look for that quality in a man. I just didn't think there was an agenda behind generosity.

The same sort of effect can be achieved by someone pretending things are okay, when they are not. My old bf was all lovey-dovey and cuddly with me while apparently he was draining his libido on prostitutes and porn. So I figured...well...he drinks...he's tired from work...etc. Sex isn't everything, but when you're not getting it from your significant other, it's like being rejected every night.

My present/ or more recent ex/ was the opposite extreme. Maybe that's why I still kind of feel like I wish I had him around. I know that sounds awful, but hey- it's nice to have a relationship where you both are as mutually hot for one another! This I haven't experienced with such intensity in any other relationship, so I guess the vain and carnal part of me doesn't want to let that go either. My bf knows this, plays on it, and works it to his advantage. That is why so often when he knows I'm trying to stay away from him, that he will track me down doing the "I just want to be held...it doesn't have to be all night...can't we go to your place?" routine. It works, at least 50% of the time because unless I'm angry, I want it just as bad as he does.

It's human to miss someone, even after they hurt you. No matter what negative things can be said about the relationship, there had to be some good things that filled some needs or we wouldn't have stayed. I wouldnt encourage a friend to stay with an abusive man, but when you look even at those guys from a distance- they are more products of a vicious cycle (child abuse, whatever) than evil incarnate. It's hard to look back on an ex as soon as they are gone and simply be glad they are gone.

I did feel initial relief in kicking my ex out. But our situation is different. He was behaving erratically, it was a mental illness issue- he started having delusions and saying things that upset me- in addition to his usual drug problem. It was too much. He was draining me, his behavior hurt me, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I stopped worrying about him a long time ago- I don't want to say I don't think about it- but if he is on the street, well that is not because I didn't care about him. I cared very deeply. How long can you watch someone destroy themselves? It eats away at you. Not to mention- nobody in a relationship with an addict gets all of their needs met- but if you are codependent, that's just what you are used to.

Just like you, I sometimes wish he would call. I wonder why, is he angry because I didn't give him more sympathy when he got arrested? Why would I? I dont know. It bothers me a lot and I'd be a liar if I said it didn't.

On the otherhand- since we didn't technically "break-up," in an earlier time I would have tracked him down. I have enough info to do that, I just dont want to. I want this pain to end. It's getting worse and worse with him as time goes on. I don't get high now, so I am the one out of the two of us who is left always being the responsible one, holding us together by endless forgiveness following endless apologies that follow endless instances of inconsideration and hurtfulness. If ever I hurt him- well, he doesn't need to feel a thing- not for long.

I don't sleep well either. Well, truth be told, I sleep too much mostly. I'll sleep in the early evening and wake up at 4am like last night. I hate waking up but I hate going to sleep because I miss lying there with him and talking at night. I miss waking up in the morning and smelling coffee and being served breakfast in bed. Or just hitting the snooze bar a million times and lying there in each other's arms with my dog in between. You don't stop wanting all of that just because someone acts like a jerk and takes off (or in my case-goes to jail). You need a mourning period. Even these guys had their moments, we just have to keep in mind that those moments aren't worth the price your self esteem pays when you stay with someone who doesn't treat you well.

I can't stand all this drama not to mention the sleaze that still infiltrates my life because of drugs and this man. Do I miss him and wonder why he hasn't written or called? YES. Do I want him back? NO.

I just want MY life back.

March 21, 2004
2:37 pm
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whyme85
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yes they totaled my car...i have no clue whats going to happen. cars are expensive as we all know...i may be lucky to get $2500-3000 out of my car...you can't buy much for that. I have been looking around and man it sucks. It sure isnt going to make me feel good driving around in a rust bucket or raise my self esteem. Not trying to complain but it's like what else can God slap me with right now? I know you are never given more than you can handle but this is tough. I despise the fact that I have good times where I am feeling great about everything and then it's back to square one...crying thinking about them etc. Tomorrow is the day. The day I see him for the first time since this happened, the day I see him after more than 2 weeks, the longest time ever. I pray I don't see her. It would only break me down and bring me down. I can handle probably seeing him but not her. Not them both.

If any of you out there are praying for me, please pray for the strength to get through tomorrow morning, wake up, and march into class okay. As well as for me to find a safe, decent car.
Thanks 🙂

PS Mz..have you been clean for a while? or are you still struggling?

March 21, 2004
6:31 pm
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Kessie
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I used to take a preparation called 'Night Nurse' - which is for when you get a cold and can't sleep. I discovered that I slept remarkably well when I took this stuff, I asked the local pharmacist what was in 'Night Nurse' that made if so soporific. Phenergan she told me, so I discovered that you could buy this without a prescription, and I've been getting it ever since. I only use it occasionally, but give it a go. In the UK it's sold as a travel sickness remedy, but I believe the trade name in the States is the same.

So sorry W that you feel the way you do - It isnt much consolation at the moment I know, but I've been where you are, and I got through it. So can you!!!!

All the best, Kx

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